The Bipolar Photographer

Shutting down

2011-07-31T20:12:00.000-07:00

I may be shutting down this blog soon. I haven't been feeling up to writing and the gaps between posts seem to be getting longer and longer. I apologize for this to anyone who might be reading, but it's obvious that I don't have the energy to keep this up. I can't begin to describe how fatigued I am all the time and how much it takes out of me every time I do anything at all. I need to move out by April, which MAY mean I have to go back to work yet again (hopefully will be able to STAY there, although haven't had any luck so far). I doubt I'll be able to do this and keep up with everything else. My sister came for a visit for about 3 days and I'm feeling completely wiped out for the past 3 days. I can't imagine how I'll feel going to work every day. I can hardly stay awake right now. I used to fall asleep at my desk at work, or go home and nap when I worked out of my car. I have always had this issue for as long as I can remember. I know it's not normal, but the doctors I've seen so far don't seem to be concerned about this at all. I have no faith in them whatsoever. My only chance at getting better, I think, is to either get on disability and then on Medicare or Medicaid (although that's only because I'd see actual medical doctors instead of medical students) or else going to work and getting actual medical insurance (which is better than nothing, although I'd prefer national health care---I'd love to move to Canada or France). So, barring any of those things, which don't seem likely at this point, I have no idea what to do. I feel horrible and no one seems to care. No one knows how to help me. I'm still depressed. I just need to take care of myself right now and I don't even have the energy to do that. I'll still think about this for a few days, but right now, I think I might as well shut down.

Recovery

2011-07-06T08:25:00.000-07:00

Everyone is now adjusting to the loss of my uncle. Of course, he was my favorite uncle or I wouldn't be so distraught. But we all know it was for the best considering how much pain he was in. That's the only thing that helps us now. It has been a few weeks, so everyone had gone back to his or her routine. My grandmother is taking it the hardest since she'd already lost my aunt and now she lost a son. Her brother-in-law passed not long ago. It's all been really hard for her. As long as she's keeping busy, she seems fine, but as soon as she's alone for a while, she dwells on the losses and gets really down. We all think she should be on an anti-depressant, but she doesn't want to take it.

Other than that, I had my 40th birthday. No party or anything, but I spent the day with my dad, eating out and then a little shopping. He'd given me a gift card to Bath and Body Works, so I wanted to spend it during their Hello Yellow Sale. : P

My friend "I", whom I haven't seen in nearly 5 years, came to visit for a couple of days. Her family came down to Texas mainly to visit her husband's family who have been dealing with illnesses and I's family wanted to spend time with them just in case. She had time to take me to lunch (I thought I was going to pay for mine, but she wanted to pay for it as a birthday gift). We went to Sushihana, which is obviously a Japanese restaurant here in town. The service was excellent and the food was amazing. Everyone loved it, even I's teenage daughter who didn't even want to try it if it wasn't sushi. At the end, I ordered dessert. She ordered 2 different ones for all of us to share (there were 4 of us), but the waiter overheard her say it was my birthday and brought a tiny one just for me of the green tea creme brulee. It was sooooooo good. : )

I spent the rest of the day with I and her family. We went back to the hotel where her husband and son told us about their trip to HEB, which they'd obviously missed. Everyone there was really friendly toward them, which they say they don't get in the northeast. Her son had gotten a lot of Jelly Belly jelly beans which he was sharing among everyone, although I was really too full from lunch to have many of them.

Anyway, my twin sis R is going to be visiting soon, too. I'm really looking forward to seeing her. She just got back from New York, so I'm sure I'll hear more about her trip. She posted her pictures on Facebook, but I'm sure she'll have more.

I've taken up crocheting since I couldn't afford to keep buying beads. They're really expensive and yarn is relatively cheap and takes a while to work. I've made a lot of things since this past winter when I started and am now working on my first tank top. Before it was afghans, scarves, and socks. I hope it goes well because I want to make other clothes and some gifts for friends for Christmas and birthdays coming up.

So, some good things have happened to take away the sting. I'm glad I got to spend so much time with my uncle before he passed. He really had a great sense of humor and was a really sweet person.

Update on my uncle

2011-06-13T20:13:00.000-07:00

My uncle passed away just before Memorial Day and was buried the day after with military honors. It was a very moving ceremony and my heart is with my family right now. Everyone seems to be doing relatively well, although I'm most concerned with my grandmother and aunt. My grandmother had to be put on Xanax because of all of this. I'm hoping that she will start to come to terms with the loss now that the funeral has passed. My uncle was a very fun person to be around and will be greatly missed.

My uncle

2011-04-21T04:23:00.000-07:00

Was able to see my uncle twice in the past few weeks. I wish it could have been more, but the gas to Houston is horrendous and we're soooooo broke right now. He looks like the cancer patient he is and very, very thin. He hardly has any energy even to talk, but he was very touched that we visited him, esp. since I hadn't seen him in a long time. I feel so guilty that I haven't seen more of him. He's a cool guy, I think. When he was in his 60s, he wanted to play basketball and went to the park. There were some teenagers there and he asked if he could play. Afterward, they were pretty surprised that he could play that well and that he'd beaten them so badly! We had home videos of a Christmas when I was very little where he got a basketball as one of his gifts. I asked who it was from. He said he probably gave it to himself! Anyway, I'm still wiped out from these visits and hardly able to check my e-mail, much less type something longer. Obviously, I have issues with fatigue, so this is hard for me.

The only good thing about all of this is that it's put me in touch with my cousins and my aunt again. I hope we can keep it up, even though we're in different cities. Will have to get their phone numbers from my sister, though. Anyway, I know my uncle is not doing well and getting weaker all the time. He is looking forward to dying since he's in so much pain right now. I wish he didn't have to go through that. I'm so sad about all of this.

Family issues

2011-03-27T01:20:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've been having family issues. My uncle is ill and we just found out that there is nothing more the doctors can do for him. I'm going to be going to Houston soon to say goodbye. : (

What am I going to do?

2011-02-20T18:24:00.000-08:00

To my family, I'm sorry I'm like this. I wish I could be normal and go back to work. Maybe you think I'm fine and that I should be able to function like this, but I'm obviously not doing that or I'd still be working. I would be able to get up and take care of my room and shower more often, etc. Maybe you think I'm exaggerating or being lazy, but I'm not. It takes a lot of effort to do the little I do. It takes tons of energy just to get out of bed. I'm tired of making excuses. No one ever believes me. But really, I wish I could talk to you about this. I wish you'd understand. I know you don't or you wouldn't be upset at me. I feel like you'd be better off without me so I wouldn't be such a burden on you. That's the way you make me feel. I know you think that if you're unkind I will "snap out of it" and go back to work. But that's not how it's actually making me feel. Maybe you're just frustrated at my lack of progress. Surely, you know I feel the same way. I'm frustrated. But I wish I could talk about this with you. I can talk to the doctor, but that's not the same as getting understanding from your family. I feel like you don't want me around. Well, maybe you don't want me around if I'm depressed. Too bad. That's the way I am. I wish I was different. I wish I could be the happy, sunny person you want to be around. I may never be like that. I hope so, but it doesn't seem likely at this point. I don't know whether I'll ever NOT be depressed. This has been going on longer than you realize. I've always tried to hide it. I was suicidal at 8 years old and possibly younger. I didn't know what to do about it or whom to talk to or how to talk about it. I never felt like you'd understand even then. Maybe it seems like it came out of the blue, but every time I've tried, you tell me I'm being stupid (that does NOT make me feel better, by the way) or that I'm fine and stop acting like that. If it was that simple, do you think I'd be going around trying to kill myself? Who WANTS to feel like that? But really, I don't get the feeling that you'd rather have me around. I feel unwanted and unloved. I'm just a burden to you and nothing else. I really wish I could go out on my own and forget about you.

Bucky

2011-02-08T13:55:00.000-08:00

Today, I had to take my dog, Bucky to the vet. It was supposed to be routine, just a heartworm test and rabies vaccine. However, when I got there, I discovered that he needed 2 other vaccines (which I didn't have the money for--my dad had only given me money for the previous 2 items mentioned). I was very upset because then I ended up putting the extra on my credit card, which already has a $70 visit to Sam's on it, a $134 eye exam, and will have my contact lenses on it, too.

My appointment was at 10:00 am, which I was hoping was early enough for them not to get too far behind. However, they misplaced my chart and called everyone in but me. I wasn't too upset. Mistakes happen and they got me in as soon as I drew their attention to it. During his exam, though, the vet discovered that Bucky has a heart murmur. It's still in the early stages, she said, but he will require medication. I know this is one of those things that will progress and continue to get worse, but I'm hoping he has, at least, 3 years left, preferably more.

When I came back out into the waiting room, I chatted for a while with a woman a few years older than I who had a dog (Jack Russell terrier) with similar behavioral characteristics to Bucky. She had gotten a behavioral specialist (a "dog whisperer") to help her, but I said I couldn't afford that and explained why. She said she had medical expenses, too, and said she didn't have a lot of money either, but she was an animal lover and was worried about her dog because he'd somehow lost a toenail and was in pain. She just couldn't stand seeing him like that, so brought him to the vet anyway. I understood what she was saying, too, because I don't have children and Bucky is the only thing that keeps me going. If anything happened to him, I just couldn't stand it.

When I went to check out, I was dismayed to find out how high the bill was, then the woman I'd been chatting to said to put $20 of the bill onto her credit card. Of course, I couldn't allow her to do that, but she insisted. She said she had cancer and there was no cure, but she wanted to help me because she knew what it was like to have medical bills and not know how to pay for your pet's medications. I tried not to cry. It was so sweet of her to think of others when she had other things to be concerned with, like her own health. But she seemed to be fine and seemed like she was past being concerned about it and wanted to think of others instead. Really, I wish there was something I could do in return. She deserves to live a long and healthy life. Life can certainly be unkind to some of the nicest people. I wish I'd learned her name before she got called into the examining room. I just can't say enough how sweet that was of her. I know she'd have paid more if she could afford it.

SNOW!!!!!!!

2011-02-04T03:53:00.000-08:00

OH...MY...GOD!! There is actually SNOW...ON THE GROUND!!! To understand why this is such a strange occurrence you have to know that the last time there was snow on the ground was when I was about 11 or 12. I'm now 39. We've had rare instances when there was snow in the air that melted before it hit the ground, but only about 2 or 3 times in the past several years. Really weird.

Beads!

2011-02-03T16:36:00.000-08:00

I used to do a little beading in the past. It's been a while, though! But I wanted to buy a pretty pendant for a friend who likes to make jewelry, also, since it was her birthday last month. I don't get to see her but once a month, so I knew I had time to shop around and find the right gift. At first, I thought I'd buy something for her apartment since she's been fixing it up. I thought a throw for the sofa or a pretty pillow or something along those lines would look nice in there since I know what colors she likes, etc. However, I couldn't find anything I liked for the $20 I could afford (that's usually been our budget for gifts, so I'm not skimping).

Then, I remembered Nomadic Notions, which is this bead store I liked in Alamo Heights. However, when I drove over there, I found out that the store is completely gone now. I'm so disappointed because they always had really unique items, like pendants, incense, scarves and stuff besides the beads that really made it a fun, almost bohemian atmosphere to shop in. I didn't know where else to go because I never went anywhere but there or Hobby Lobby when I wanted beads. I remembered seeing a small bead store near Hobby Lobby and thought I'd try that one. I went there and she had a decent selection, but it was mostly strands of gemstones and glass beads and a few findings. She didn't really have many pendants, which is what I usually find the most fun to shop for. That's what I really wanted to buy for H. So, I looked around a bit and found some jade or aventurine beads that were really pretty. There were some pearls about the same size (not perfectly round but "potato" shaped) and some pretty cloisonne beads that looked very nice with the aventurine. I don't know that I'm great at jewelry-making, but I thought the colors worked well together and thought that then I'd make a necklace for her instead of just the pendant I'd planned. In the end, I made a simple pair of earrings to match:

It was a lot of fun to make it and I wanted to make more jewelry. So I made a simple pair of crystal earrings for myself:

Today, I went to Hobby Lobby, who were having a 50% off sale on a lot of their beads. I bought a few strands of gemstones and pearls, although not the longer strands available in bead stores. I wish findings had been on sale, too. I could have bought some chains, clasps, and ear wires. Oh well. Another time. The thing that upset me was that the cashier didn't take the 50% off of 3 of my items. I'm really unhappy about that. Perhaps I'll make an online purchase on Fire Mountain Gems or something. They're relatively inexpensive, despite shipping costs.

2011-01-28T15:24:00.000-08:00

I found this CD of the Crowded House concert I saw in August from Kufala. Apparently, they were there for much, if not all, of the tour and have posted CDs for sale of many of the shows. If you were lucky enough to see them this tour and the show wasn't available as a USB purchase, try Kufala. The sound quality, to me, sounds like any other live album, although Neil has a tendency to not talk into the microphone at times! But I love that Crowded House does this so that you can have a great souvenir from the show. Kufala has shows from other artists, as well, so I may check their site again if I'm able to go to another concert any time soon. : )

Still depressed

2011-01-27T09:54:00.000-08:00

Was just wondering before, but now I'm sure. The slightest thing will set me off. I just feel like I'm crying all the time and I'm so sick of it. I, obviously, mean to post more often than I do. Usually, if I don't, it's because I'm not feeling well. I'm either too tired to compose anything (not that this is the best writing in the world) or else I just don't feel like doing anything at all. I'm not sure where I'm going with my treatment. Everything has been staying the same for a while and I'm not sure the doctor realizes how bad I'm really feeling. I've tried explaining this, but she says I look better. Well, yes, I'm better than before, but that doesn't mean I'm feeling well. I still feel sad a lot and very emotional. I'm irritable. I don't want to be around people and I don't feel like anyone really cares, understands, or knows how I am feeling. Yes, sometimes I feel like everyone is better off without me. That's the most common "automatic thought" I have.

I don't know whether I will get better. I don't know how I can. I don't think that what I'm doing is working, but I'm tired of being broke. I don't see how I can work when I can't handle relationships or any kind of stress. I'm not very responsible right now. I can hardly wash dishes or vacuum. I don't even always shower or brush my teeth. Is this fatigue or something else? Maybe both depression and my thyroid? It's hard to stay optimistic when any progress I've made is so slight. I just don't know what to do to get myself out of this situation. If I actually get on disability and then on Medicaid, will it really help with expenses? Will the doctors be any better? I don't see how. I don't even know whether it makes any difference at all. I don't know if anyone can help me.

Getting a new G.P.

2011-01-19T23:55:00.001-08:00

I have been trying to get a new G.P. since the old one messed up my thyroid meds. I've been calling the Carelink number forever, and the message always says that due to a high volume of calls, they cannot accept my call. I tried several times a day and always got the same message. So, I called my usual Carelink representative and she told me she couldn't do it over the phone. This is just nonsense from her (or else her usual habit of saying something once and then saying something different at another time when faced with the same question) because she'd done this for me before over the phone. The first time, she assigned me someone all the way over on the south side of town. Then she assigned me the guy who messed up my thyroid meds. So, not doing a good job so far. She said I had to call the main Carelink number and basically got me off the phone. So, I continued to call the Carelink number and getting no response. Now, I'm out of my thyroid meds, even the bad prescription, which is better than NO prescription. I had the pharmacy call him for a refill, but he never responded (sounds like him because he never responded to my requests for further blood tests, either). So, I went back to the psychiatric office to see my usual Carelink representative in person this time. I had looked online and seen that there's another clinic, but the Carelink representative said there is a waiting list to get a doctor there. They don't even know how long it will be (yes, I figured they wouldn't know. Why would they? They don't know anything.) So, I asked what I could do in the meantime. She just said to go to the emergency clinic. Oh, yippee. I just love emergency clinics. Yuck! But, what else am I to do? I just hope they'll help me and not rely solely on the TSH test, which is inaccurate, especially with me. My TSH when I was first diagnosed was 877. How can that be accurate? I'd be dead! Ugh.

I'm a Gemini?

2011-01-14T15:36:00.000-08:00

So recent news says that I'm actually a Gemini and not a Cancer as I'd grown up to believe. Of course, I never believed in any of that stuff, like the stars can really influence our lives. But, I do have the personality traits of a Cancer. That has to be more proof that this stuff is false, right? If I'm actually a Gemini, how could I more closely match the traits from another sign if the stars influenced me when I was born? Plus, my dad is nothing like a Sagittarius. My mom and little sister are sort-of like Aries, but are they really Aries anymore? Hmm...

Am I still depressed?

2011-01-11T13:32:00.000-08:00

I feel better overall, but it's hard for me to decide whether there are other issues besides the fatigue right now. Partly this is because I know that even people without depression can feel down or sad sometimes. I've been sad lately, although not much has really occurred to be sad about. Sometimes, it's just a song that hits in the right place, or an episode of "Doctor Who" or "Star Trek" (yes, I'm a nerd. I don't think I've made a secret of this...). It just seems to be minor things that will set me off crying. I miss my old poodle, Qui-Qui, like crazy. Everything reminds me of him and I dreamed of him the other night. When I remembered that part of the dream later that day, I broke down in tears. He passed away about 5 years ago now, so this isn't exactly grieving, is it? I've been okay, mostly, the past, say, 3 years about this. I think that it could be just about anything that would make me feel emotional about now. Is my medication not working anymore? Or, was it never as good as I thought it was? I have an appointment in another 2 and a half weeks, so I want to know what to tell my doctor. Does she adjust the medication? I'm afraid to do so. I can hardly sleep as it is, and I'm so tired from lack of sleep that I can't wake up in the mornings. I tried setting the alarm and avoiding naps to see if I slept better at night. But I don't, and I will sleep right through the alarm if I'm too tired. I just don't hear it at all. Other times, I hear it, but am too exhausted to get out of bed, so I'll just hit snooze about 3 or 4 times. By then, it's not as early as I'd like. I wanted to get up around 7 or 8, but that's beyond my abilities right now. I set the alarm for 9, but have trouble sticking to that. Maybe I'll set it for 8:30 and see if I can get up by 9, instead of setting it for 9 and getting up about 9:30 or 9:45, depending on how well I slept. I don't know if it makes any difference, though. I can be really exhausted and still not sleep. Maybe I'm somewhat manic? Don't know.

Another gripe...

2011-01-08T08:53:00.001-08:00

Maybe some of my other gripes are pretty minor, but this one, I think, has justification. I go to my doctor's appointment on Tuesday, the one I really didn't think was necessary. I was a little early because I'd heard they'd moved the visitor and patient parking lot further down the block and I wasn't sure how far I'd have to walk. Plus, it was raining, so I allowed more time just for that. They got my information pretty quickly and then showed me to an examining room.

The previous time I'd been down there for an appointment, I'd had to wait a long time and I'd thought they'd forgotten about me. So I was prepared to wait a while. I kept looking at the clock. I'd been waiting for 30 minutes. 1 hour. 1 hour and 15 minutes. 1 hour and a half. Finally TWO HOURS later, the doctor came in. She offered no apology or explanation at all. She just said, "How are you feeling?" "Tired" was my reply, because I was trying not to go off on her. Perhaps I should have, I don't know.

The chair I'd had to wait in was really uncomfortable and my back was hurting pretty badly and I kept having to shift positions. I knew I'd be sorry later. Certainly enough, I've been having bad back pain since then, despite the ibuprofen and heating pad I've been using. Really, I'd like a deep tissue massage, but can't afford it. But that might actually get the painful knots out. Nothing else seems to work. : (

Normally, after an appointment, I've mentioned, you have to wait for an hour to be dismissed. However, I was there so long that they were closing, so the doctor solicitously offered to mail my next appointment so that I wouldn't have to wait. Uh, yeah. I don't think I would have waited whether they wanted me to or not. Plus, I doubt they wanted to stay after closing.

Afterward, since it was the last day to start the new pack of pills, I had to go to HEB right away and hope the pharmacy was still open. Yes. Then, I had to wait for my prescription to be filled. Another 40 minutes passed, although the chair was much less uncomfortable. I was still in pain, though. It was late when I got home, too late for the plans I'd made the week before.

Right now, I've just taken some ibuprofen and it's now about 4 days later, but the medication is still not really helping. The heating pad is really restrictive since I can't get any errands or chores done. I can't afford to buy a bunch of those one use pads that don't have a cord. I wish I had the $26 for a 30 minute massage. I'd prefer an hour, but I'd take the 30 minute one. Ugh.

Gonna gripe again...

2011-01-03T17:09:00.000-08:00

Another bad day with the University Health System. I mean, I'm so glad they're paying for so much of this stuff since I don't have insurance or income, but they really could make this whole process much simpler.

I went to the gynecologist about a month ago. She wrote me a prescription for something that was really expensive. So I called her back and told her that I wanted another one that was cheaper, but still a higher dose of hormone. I went to pick it up at HEB, thrilled that it was only $7. Then, I got home and saw that it was a variable dose hormone packet and not the higher dose tablets that I wanted. Usually, on the variable dose ones, it's higher dose tablets for the first week, slightly less for the second week, low dose for the 3rd week, and nothing for the last week, so that you'll get your period. These don't work for me because, as soon as I'm not on the high dose tablets, I start to bleed and will keep bleeding the rest of the month. Not heavily, at first, but it gets heavier and is painful the whole time. I'd discussed this with her at my appointment, but I guess she didn't remember and my reminder to her that I needed a higher dose tablet didn't seem to click in her head that these other packets wouldn't work for me. So, I've been calling to get her to call in another prescription, but they've been out for the holidays and were supposed to be back today.

I called today, and not only is my doctor still not there, but they said that she can't call in another prescription unless I go back down there for another appointment. I was furious, because it's not my fault she didn't listen to me and called in the wrong prescription. However, they were adamant and told me I could switch to another doctor, but I'd still have to go in for an appointment. So, now I'm going to have to drive all the way downtown (I'm on the far north side of town), pay to park in a lot that doesn't always have spaces and they make you pay in advance (space or no space), and wait in a noisy waiting room forever with the noisy, screaming, misbehaving children running all over the place. Then, even after they see me, I have to wait for an hour after they talk to me so that they can have a conference, then dismiss me. Urgh! I hate this system. Why can't they have their little conference AFTER I leave? Why do I have to be there for that when I'm sitting in the waiting room anyway? Plus, the place is run-down, dirty, and depressing. I hate it and never want to go back there, but it's not like I have a choice. I can tell I'm still depressed because I cried all morning over this. I wish I could just deal with it, but I just don't know how. I get frustrated and I get mad when people don't seem to understand how I feel.

Anyway...

Holidays

2010-12-27T08:29:00.000-08:00

The holidays went well. No arguments or major annoyances. The weather was beautiful up until Christmas Eve. Then, it poured down rain while we were indoors, wondering how long it would last and what the drive home would be like. Then, it suddenly stopped and the skies cleared up. It was cool, but not cold, and sunny. My grandmother did not make her tamales, of course, although I've wanted her to show me how to make them so that it would then be someone else's job to make them from now on. Still, she keeps coming up with excuses. This time, it's that she didn't have my phone number. She could always have had my dad call me, but I gave her my "new" number.

The good thing for her, this time, was that she only had to make some rice and beans, and that was a lot easier and meant fewer dishes to wash afterward. She was able to spend more time with us, unlike at Thanksgiving, when she just couldn't leave it for a few minutes. It eats at her that the kitchen is dirty, so she just goes and cleans the whole time and exhausts herself. So, she did get tired and go to lie down, but she did stay for the (short) gift exchange and a little conversation. We each only got one gift (we did a variation of the "secret santa"), although my grandmother wanted to give something to everyone, and we all pooled our money to give her a gift. The major surprise was that my uncle Richard (who was not present) gave my grandmother and my father each $100! This may seem understandable from someone who makes as much as my uncle does, but he's notoriously stingy with it, so I was shocked that he was that generous. Still, it was very nice of him.

Christmas Day was a very quiet day at home with just my mother and me. It was much colder, but not cloudy, so we were fine with not going out except to walk the dogs. I made some Mexican rice and we had some tamales from HEB, the chef-made ones that we all like. I also had some beans that I took home from my grandmother's. My mom isn't a huge bean fan, so I gave her a larger portion of rice. Overall, that was nice. Very tasty and very simple. I'd given her the gift I bought her the day before, along with the dogs' gifts that I gave to them that day, too. So there were no gifts, but I was glad to relax and stay at home.

The next day (yesterday), we both went to my sister's (M, since R is out on the west coast now, and was on vacation in Vancouver with her family). Instead of more tamales, or the proposed turkey, we decided to order pizza (why not?). M put on a video of Night of the Lepus, which I could sort-of remember. It was so funny, of course, because the special effects were terrible, and the plot was outrageous. I mean, rabbits turn gigantic and are suddenly carnivores?

The good thing, I will say about these past few days is that I'm able to participate a little more. I'm still tired, but I don't feel like I'm going around in a daze. I feel more aware of my surroundings. I wish I could finally break free from the depression symptoms altogether, but I feel better than I have in a long time. I'm just soooo tired, though. I've discussed the fatigue already, so I'm sure I don't have to go into it again that I'm not sure of the cause of that. I just wish I could get more done in a day and be able to get out of bed at a decent hour. Today, I had to set my alarm for 9:00. I reset the alarm for 9:30 when it was about 9:05 and I'd hit the snooze button. At 9:30, when the alarm went off again, I hit the snooze 2 more times to end up getting out of bed at 9:40. I just couldn't make myself get up. I wish I could get up by 8:00. Of course, I don't want to be up if I'm not going to get anything done, but it takes me a long time to get motivated to do anything. That I'd like to change, also.

New Dosage

2010-12-21T14:30:00.000-08:00

I went to the doctor on Friday. I have been feeling a little better on Abilify, despite the lack of sleep. I still have no energy, but am not sure that has to do with the drug or the lack of sleep either. So, my doctor decided to raise the dosage on the Abilify. I'm to see how I do on it for 1 week, then decide whether I want to stay on it or not. So far, this only makes for my 4th day, so I'm still not sure. I have noticed that I'm nauseous at times, although that may be that I need to take it with food. Did that this morning and yesterday morning and that seems better. My sleep schedule is about the same. I don't wake up as many times during the night as I did when I first started on the drug, but I'm up longer the one or two times I do wake up and I have trouble getting to sleep initially, even.

So, I'm still not sure I'll be staying on this drug. I wish I could paint or draw or something, but that ability went when I started on it. I suppose I just need more time to make a decision, but I'm really sick of being stuck at home.

Abilify

2010-12-12T10:38:00.001-08:00

I was having a lot of side effects on the higher doses of Geodon, despite how much better I felt mood-wise. But it was time to switch. I was too sick and my tardive dyskenesia (sp?) was much, much worse. My doctor decided to switch me to Abilify. I'd heard of it, but didn't know much about it. I was willing to give it a try since I'm really tired of feeling like this and I will do just about anything to keep from being suicidal. I was supposed to cut the tablet in half to start at 1 mg, but the things were so soft that they practically disintegrated. So I started at 2 mg instead. It took a while, obviously, to feel any different really, but right off I was having trouble sleeping. I'd always taken the Geodon at night because it made me a little sleepy. But after a couple of nights of not sleeping, it was obvious I needed to take the Abilify in the morning. I did that, but I am still not sleeping as well as I'd like. I have trouble getting to sleep, and then trouble staying asleep. I wake up several times during the night and toss and turn quite a bit before going back to sleep. I will say that I've been waking up less often the longer I've been on it, which has been about 4 weeks now.

Other than that, the tardive dyskenesia is better, although not gone (I've been on these meds too long for that, I think). I'm not hallucinating like I was on Seroquel. I do somehow feel less depressed, although I didn't really think an anti-psychotic could do that. However, this drug is prescribed to go along with anti-depressants sometimes for people with depression, so maybe I shouldn't be that surprised. I don't feel 100% better, but I'm afraid to have the dosage raised because then my sleep will be interrupted again (or, more than right now).

I've also had my thyroid rechecked, and the levels are low on the free T3, but within the normal range. I don't usually do too well at that level, so my old doctor had raised the dosage on my thyroid medication. The new doctor lowered it again. I don't know whether to have a doctor raise it again. However, I'm incredibly fatigued. I can't even describe how tired I am. I can hardly do anything around the house. When I go out, I'm wiped out the rest of the day and part of the next day, if not the whole day. I can't stay out as long as I used to, either. This could be the thyroid problem, my lack of sleep on Abilify, or something as yet untested, like a complete blood count or white blood cell count. I am just not too anxious to have any more blood tests done as I've had way too many done in the past couple of months. I am phobic of needles, which means that the fear level associated with them is equivalent to what I'd feel if my life were threatened. Plus, I have a very low tolerance for pain. It's very difficult to go through this, and to have it done in very close proximity to another is especially hard. Doctors never think anything of ordering a blood test, but really it's traumatic for me every time.

Anyway, we'll have to see. I may have to concede to more blood tests to find out what's wrong. My dad bought me some multi-vitamins to see if that would help. I hope they do so that I'll know it was something easy and cheap to fix.

Sadness

2010-11-22T20:33:00.000-08:00

So, today, most of the day, I'm just sort of annoyed. I had to go to the gynecologist, which meant going to the depressing, ghetto hospital downtown where I have to pay to park before even going into the lot, whether there is actually a space or not, then wait in a noisy, uncomfortable room where the staff are rude and as depressed as I am. I had to wait an immensely long time, too, even though I was a half hour early and they got me in early anyway. Apparently, it's a teaching hospital, which means they have a conference after each patient leaves, usually lasting about an hour, before they'll even dismiss me and give me my prescriptions. It was longer than that, I think. Plus, I had a major migraine and there were children (way too many children in a waiting room that's all tile, which makes the sound echo) screaming and running around like wild animals while the parents just looked on and did nothing. Of course, the staff did nothing about it either, even after I complained. I mean, it's a doctor's office, not a playground.

I get home, and I didn't get a call from the shop where I dropped my computer off this morning, which I was hoping for, thinking they'd at least have an idea by now what might be wrong and how much it would cost to fix it. No such luck, so I'm still on a borrowed mini-computer that I can't type on and which doesn't have all my programs or files. I want mine back ASAP.

Nothing much happens. I'm hungry and eat, watch a little TV. But, by the evening, I'm depressed again and I have no one I can really confide in. My mother always tells me I'm being stupid and it's my fault I get upset all the time. What she doesn't seem to understand is that it's a chemical imbalance in my brain that makes me feel this way, and that things could be perfect and I'd still be sad. It's not events that are making me depressed. It's the disease that's doing that, plus her attitude and that of many other people. Most of the times I was acutely suicidal were after arguments with her where I basically felt like she didn't want me around because I made her feel down and I was stupid and lazy and want to be sad on my own. I don't want to live here anymore, but there's no where else for me to go with no income. I don't want to talk to my dad because he's mentally ill himself and is ill-equipped to deal with it. No one else wants to really be there when I need them. In fact, sometimes I wait long periods before calling anyone, just to see if they'll miss me and call to see how I'm doing. I've waited as much as 2 or 3 months and no one ever calls to check on me. I usually cave at that point because I care about my family and friends, despite the fact that I'm not as important to them as they are to me. I usually want to know how they're doing, despite the fact that they don't seem to care how I'm doing. Maybe they know I'm not doing well and don't want to hear about it.

I'm just frustrated, lonely, and misunderstood. I'm going to all these doctors and taking medications that help a little in that I'm not acutely suicidal 24 hours a day, but I wish they could get it right and I'm feeling more normal and can work and then be out on my own. My other conditions are hard to diagnose. They've done all these tests and nothing ever shows up. My gynecologist wanted to do a biopsy of my uterus to check for cancer. I've heard about this procedure and women say it hurts worse than childbirth. I know that nothing will show up because nothing ever does, and I'll have to go through all of that pain and trauma for nothing and somehow have to find a way to pay for it. No, thank you. I had to order more blood tests for my thyroid since my general practitioner made that change to my medication and I feel really horrible and run-down. My old doctor's wife was an endocrinologist, with whom he'd actually discussed my case. I have more confidence in him than the other because he's managed it in the past and I've always felt fine. Of course, that means I have to pay for the test and the doctor visit because he isn't one of the University Health System doctors, but really, I don't think taking less thyroid hormone than I need is going to make me feel better and I know it's unhealthy and dangerous. I just can't get this all done fast enough. I'll have to wait for the lab results and he might want to get me re-tested, which I'll somehow have to pay for. Hopefully, he'll wait a while in between to let us pay for the other tests and doctors that I've had to have the past month and a half.

Well, the blood test is scheduled for 10:00 tomorrow morning and it's now 11:00 at night. I know I haven't been sleeping well and I'll probably be groggy tomorrow, so I'd better try to get some sleep. I've been switched to Abilify instead of the Geodon, so that might be why I'm not sleeping well. I hope that I'll get adjusted to it and that will pass. We'll see. I've only been on it for 4 days. Anyway, I had better get some sleep. Goodnight.

The last couple of weeks

2010-11-15T08:17:00.001-08:00

Things have been a little slow the past couple of weeks, hence I have not been writing. There have been a couple of family issues, one being that my great uncle died, and the other that my uncle is in the hospital. My great uncle had a fall down the stairs and sustained a head injury. He was in the hospital for a while, but in the end passed away. My uncle has fluid in his lungs, but has been having trouble paying for the treatment. I'm not sure what the difficulty is exactly, but he's out of the hospital, but still having to go in and have the fluid removed, which he says is really painful. They're still working on how to pay for this stuff. He and my aunt are both retired, so I think they are both on Medicare. Even then, it's been $250 at a time for the doctor visits. I'm not sure why, but I don't know enough about how Medicare works to advise them. I guess it's just the proximity to my great uncle's hospital visit that scares me so much. He could recover and be okay, but I'm scared that he won't make it because he can't afford the treatment. He'd been feeling bad before that, so I suppose he should have gone to the doctor sooner. I don't know.

Anyway, that's pretty much it. Somewhat eventful, but there's not really much I can do. I don't like that feeling at all.

My Ex

2010-11-03T20:30:00.000-07:00

So, a while back, about 3 years ago, I dated a man I'll call N. It was winter and we knew each other for about 3 months before he was laid off at his job and had to move to Austin. This isn't a huge distance, only about an hour and a half drive from San Antonio, but we ended up losing touch. I really didn't know why or what had been going on with him in that time. But I found him on Facebook and sent him a friend request, which he accepted. Now, just recently, he wants to pick up where we left off. Of course, I really can't do that. A lot has happened and it has been 3 years, after all. But I did agree to drive up there last Monday for a visit.

I am not going to write about what we talked about necessarily, but I found out what had happened to him in the intervening years and much of it was very unpleasant or else he had no computer. So, he would have made a much greater effort if it had not been for this. I suppose I'm happy to hear that to some degree, although I'm sad to hear what he had to go through. In some ways I have missed him a great deal. We agreed that we would remain friends, whatever happened, and he is a friend at this point. I would like it to develop more, but it is just way to early to say. In other ways, a lot of things have happened. I've dated a little more since then. Those didn't work into relationships, but I've discovered some of what I like in men and some of what I don't. I don't know if N and I are compatible any more. We have stuff in common, but I'm a different person now than I was then. He finds me immensely attractive, which is a nice feeling since I don't get that very often. He is attractive to me, also, although not in the classic way. Still, I find other men easier to talk to on the phone, for instance. N is very quiet and doesn't say much. He has a sense of humor, but overall he is quiet as a person and somewhat serious. I don't know if this is really someone I could see myself with in another 5 years. I guess I just think it's too early to tell at this stage.

So, at this point, I have mixed feelings. I don't want to lead him on, but I also don't want to turn down another chance. Things could develop further, you know? Maybe after I've spent more time with him, I'll change my mind. At this point, we're friends, though. I'm interested in it becoming more and I think we have enough in common to keep it going for a little while. I don't know whether it will be long term or not. I don't want to ignore other men who come along, but I don't see myself as the type to date more than one person at a time. I'd feel horrible about myself. So, still don't know what to do. Maybe Sunday will help clear things up. Maybe it will be a few weeks from now. We'll see.

Boring, boring, boring

2010-10-31T19:47:00.000-07:00

Not much to report at present. Nothing much going on. I have been hiking a couple of times, at night, but with a group, so not as scary as it could have been. It was fun and I could take Bucky. So both of us get exercise and I'm also being a little more social than my ordinary life usually allows. I'm trying to get out and meet people and make friends. So far, I've met some nice people, but not made any friends. Going to keep at it, though.

The medical stuff is in a hiatus for a couple of weeks, thank goodness. I'm really sick of it and hoping I don't have to go back for quite a while. I have 2 doctors' appointments in one week and yet another blood test to schedule (just another TSH. I wish he'd do a full panel. I don't trust the TSH test by itself). Not fun. I hope I can put that off a little longer.

Other than that, my life is pretty dull. I've been reading a lot, which I always enjoy. I wish I could be painting, but really need some new paints. I've already talked about my wish to go back to oils, but that will have to wait, I suppose. I think I should keep at the acrylics for a while yet. I may decide I like them better than oils. Who knows?

Right now I have Bucky sulking and refusing to come near me until I give him a treat. I usually give him one before bed, but he's come to demand it earlier in the evening, then expect another one later on. I refuse, of course. I presume he's got me mostly trained!

I did get a couple of albums from the library, and now I can burn CDs. The new drive came in the mail and actually works. That means the computer is fine. It was just the drive that went bad. What a relief! I was dreading that moment. How much? The drive wasn't that expensive, thank goodness, although hard enough to pay for with all the other expenses from last month. The credit card bill comes to $160. Dad always wants to pay it off in it's entirety, so this will be a difficult month for us. I wish I could work and help with the bills. : (

Yet another medical test

2010-10-27T15:01:00.000-07:00

The good thing about the new program is that I can finally get all the tests done that I needed. The bad thing is that it's only temporary, and they'll probably order tests I don't need or that aren't covered. I will only find out when I get the bill at the end of the month. I hope it's not horrible. No one could tell me how much it would be.

Yesterday was supposed to be a transvaginal ultrasound. This is one I'd never heard of. I got to the hospital (which was an adventure in itself--we got lost a couple of times and barely made it in time--we were supposed to be 30 minutes early, but were not) and went back for the test. Mom went with me, but did not go into the testing area. They asked me to strip down, then the lady asked me if I was not a virgin. Of course, I am (long story that you don't need to hear at the moment), so they said they couldn't do that test. So they did another ultrasound, which was just over my belly and didn't hurt like the other would have. So it turned out fine, but I wouldn't have gone down there for the test if they'd known I couldn't have it done. No one told me any of that or asked me any questions except "when was your last transvaginal ultrasound?" and thinking I should have one in that case. Idiots, I swear. That particular hospital was in a ghetto part of downtown and was the most depressing-looking hospital I've ever seen. Sadly, I have to go back there to see my gynecologist. The waiting room was depressing and crowded with a bunch of crying, fussy children and no place to sit. I'm not looking forward to going back.

I hope this will be the end of tests for a while, at least until I know how much I have to pay. This will be hard enough, even if the tests are only $20 or so, it will still be horrendous. I have a bunch of doctor's appointments next month, so not looking forward to that either. I don't hate them, but I don't have much faith in them either. Also, I just keep thinking, "How much will this cost?" every time they want me to come in for something.

Most recent doctor visit

2010-10-19T07:38:00.000-07:00

I did finally get to see a general practitioner. The office stinks. It's really crowded and there's no parking anywhere. There's a Sea Island with a huge parking lot that's completely empty next door, but they constantly put out messages that they'll tow you away at your expense if you park there. It just doesn't seem fair that they have this empty lot they won't let anyone use and yet there's a doctor's office next door with almost no parking. I drove around forever, then decided to chance it with Sea Island, but they put out another message that if you didn't move it in 15 minutes it would be towed. I wasn't the only car in the lot, but the lot is huge and there was probably less than 20% of the lot taken up with patients. There was no one else in the lot at all. It turns out that since I'd already been called inside that they saved me a space in the back (it was full when I went back there before).

The doctor himself seemed nice enough, although very business-like. He even wore a suit. It may be that he had other obligations that day, but I doubt I'd have worn it to work if it were me. I'd have brought a change of clothes perhaps, but not worn the business suit. Anyway, he seemed to think it was fine to judge my thyroid based on the TSH test alone, which I disagree with. So there's already a point against him in my book. I think you always need at least a free T3 in addition, if not others as well. My old doctor always did this. His wife was an endocrinologist, so I had more confidence in him to judge that than other doctors. It may be that I get a referral to an endocrinologist if this guy can't get it right. Besides the thyroid thing, he seemed fine, although I'm not sure I buy everything he said. He did give me the referral to a gynecologist, which is the main reason I went to see him. He wants me to get a transvaginal ultrasound, which is something I'd never heard of, but which sounds very painful. However, I think the gynecologist might want the results of this test (probably why he ordered it--he seemed to think it strange that I'd never had one done).

Regarding the tests, he says that nothing showed up that was irregular except my thyroid being a little off. I already mentioned above why this may not be the case, but he adjusted my thyroid med anyway. I hope I don't gain weight after all the work I'd done dieting to lose it. The vomiting episodes could be the result of migraines (he said there are several kinds, including abdominal migraines--this sounds a little flaky to me since I'd never heard of such a thing, but I'm not a doctor), or it could be a side effect of the Geodon (the fainting spells as well). So, I will have to work with my new psychiatrist to figure that out. I hope it's easy to fix. I really want to go back to work.

Tests part II

2010-10-10T07:36:00.001-07:00

I'm assuming that since I haven't heard anything about the tests aforementioned that everything must be okay. I'd assume that they'd call me for an earlier appointment or they'd at least call to let me know what had happened. When I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism, that's what happened. My case was so severe that the doctor called me the night he got the results and told me to come in first thing in the morning and I didn't need to make an appointment, that it was an emergency. I'd assume that diabetes or a heart problem would require some sort of immediate action.

Other than that, I've had a cold the last few days. I haven't felt much like doing anything, although it wasn't as severe as it could have been. To be honest, I haven't been severely ill since I started taking a zinc supplement. I really think it helped. I'm not sure if I'd have been severely ill with this one, so it could just be in my head, but I wasn't stuck in bed the whole time. I do feel better today, although my cough hasn't gone away yet, but that'll probably be the last thing to go. I am drinking some echinacea tea, as well. It's supposed to boost your immune system, so I'm giving it a shot. It seems to help, but again, maybe I wouldn't know. Maybe this cold just isn't that bad. It just seems to help since I haven't been as ill as I've been in the past in a long time.

The other thing is that I've lost 5 pounds in the last 2 weeks. I'm extremely happy about this, since I'd plateaued for a couple of weeks and nothing happened. I was extremely disappointed and was afraid that it was something to do with my diet and me, rather than something that happens with every diet. So it's a little more encouraging to have lost weight again. I was so happy when I got on the scale today and it didn't go up as high as I expected. : )

I've contemplated writing a book of some type. Not necessarily the same style as I write here. This is more to get my thoughts out than to really entertain anyone. I'm not even sure anyone follows me anymore, or that anyone would find it entertaining. But I have been told that I should write again, and I did have some novels I'd started to write a long time ago that I could attempt to finish, or else make them short stories and attempt to put them into an anthology. Not sure yet. I've also been told I should write my memoirs, which I'd never considered. I didn't think anyone would care to read something about someone they'd never heard of, but I've also been told that there are people who would still read it and that not everyone who writes them is famous. Well, that shows you how much of that genre that I read. I guess I tend to focus on historical mysteries and sci-fi. : )

Medical tests

2010-10-01T21:01:00.000-07:00

Today, it was time for some tests that needed to be done a long time ago. The only bad thing was that I will probably have to have more tests done, since I don't think the ones the doctor ordered are adequate. All she wanted to test of my thyroid was TSH, and you really should also do a Free T3 or something in addition. Keep in mind, of course, that I am phobic of needles and I'm also a huge wuss when it comes to pain. If I can get used to it, like the knee pain, that's one thing. But sharp pain that's only once in a while is hard to get used to. I also needed an EKG. I am taking Geodon, and that can make you prone to heart problems and diabetes. She did a fasting glucose test to check the latter. The EKG, however, was written separately. The form was filled out incorrectly, which caused me to have to wait while they waited for a corrected form to be faxed over. However, with the Center for Health Care Services (where my doctor works and is in a different building), everything takes forever. The tech told them over the phone that I was waiting, but that didn't speed them along. I waited for an hour. The tech said that the computer won't save the results if the wrong code is there, but she did the test anyway after a while and said she won't submit it until she gets the form. However, that depends on how long it takes to get the form. If she didn't get the form by 4pm, all the exam results will be submitted or lost. So, I may have to retake that one. I hope not. I hate going there as that's where I was hospitalized. You also have to pay to park and they don't validate.

On top of that, I get home and I was trying to burn a CD of the photos I took at the Crowded House concert for a friend, and the drive in my computer is not working. I have no idea why, but it has just suddenly decided to stop burning CDs. I checked the discs on another computer, so this time it's not the discs. I have no idea how to correct this situation. I probably need either a new DVD-RW drive, or else a new computer. Obviously, we can afford neither. I have no idea how much these tests are going to cost. No one could tell me, although I asked around. Also, there's the hospital bill that needs to be paid somehow. It's not a good time right now.

Doctor visit

2010-09-25T23:27:00.000-07:00

Just went to the doctor yesterday (well, Friday, since it's now Sunday early morning) and I guess it went well. Nothing major to report, but she upped the Geodon, since I'm still having trouble with concentration and memory. I really need it. Still having depression symptoms, but she doesn't want to make too many changes at a time. I'm glad of that, actually, although I want to feel better asap. But then I wouldn't know if side effects were from one medication or the other. It's too early to tell whether it's making any difference or not, of course. But she said that this could also help with the depression symptoms sometimes, so maybe I'll be lucky.

I did get unlucky and had another of my vomiting episodes recently (just last week). It lasted 2 days, so I was pretty miserable and it was hard to keep food down. I took promethazine, since that's the only thing that seems to work. I wish it wasn't by prescription only, since I have to take it so often. Plus, I wish I didn't have to take so many pills before I feel better. I wish I could just take one and that would stop it. I guess that's unrealistic, but I'm afraid that this could escalate and then the pills wouldn't work anymore. The tests the doctor did a few years ago didn't show anything, so they don't know what causes this. I don't know if it might be one of my medications, though. I seem to remember this starting before I took the Geodon, which is the one I've been on longest. The others have changed too much. I wonder, also, if the Geodon might be the cause of the fainting spells I have sometimes. The doctor ordered an EKG, so I guess we'll find out whether there's something wrong with my heart or not. Plus, there's heart disease in the family, so I'd rather catch it early, rather than wait for it to happen and then try to do something about it.

Just please let all this take care of my symptoms so I can go back to work!

Week 3

2010-09-12T10:21:00.000-07:00

So now I've been on this plan for 3 weeks. I've lost another 3 pounds this past week. That makes 12 pounds so far, which is great. I really needed that! I'm only 4'9". I should not be 147 lbs. Now, I'm 135. Not great, but better. It may be that my scale is off and I'm not really 135, but that's the weight I'm going by to judge my weight loss. So regardless of whether I started at 137, like the doctor's scale said, or 147, like my scale said, I've still lost 12 pounds. Yea, me! Really, I need to feel positive about something. I hope I'm going to exercise. I need to be outside a lot, but it's way too hot out there. So, I'm trying to do power yoga again. I don't enjoy it as much as hiking, but I can't hike when it's 98F and humid. At least it's below 100 for now, but that may change. We just had some rain, so it will surely go up in another day or two, if it doesn't rain again. The humidity doesn't make it feel any cooler, though!

Our latest project here at home is to archive all our old photos. The old photo albums that these were in did not have acid-free paper, etc. So these are becoming damaged. We're trying to scan them all in to the computer and then will burn those onto discs. We won't discard the old photos, but we don't want to have them lost forever. We will take them out of the old albums, though. Black-and-white is more archival than color, so those photos are in better condition, although turning yellow from the acid in the albums. The old color photos were used with an older color process which doesn't hold it's color very long. They will have to be scanned, too, before they turn yellow or red (or, rather, more than already). Of course, this is a good time to scan all the newer ones, too. Might as well preserve them before they get damaged, right? Of course, as a photographer, I want mine scanned hi-res, so that takes much longer. My printer/scanner/copier/fax isn't a professional-grade one. It's just a household one. So the highest it will scan (without freezing up the computer) is 2400 ppi. I guess that will do. They need to be a decent size to fit onto discs, so I guess they can't feasibly be any larger than that. I don't like the idea of any information being lost, so I hope that is a large enough file in case I want to do something with those photos later.

I am starting a new painting. Again, I'm still trying to get used to acrylics, so this will probably not be very good. But I'm going to paint something based on one of my old photos. After that, I may tackle my depression issues again. I want to figure out how to do this while on bipolar meds, so this will obviously be a challenge for me. I need to get used to my DSLR, too. I want to take it hiking with me this fall/winter when it's finally cool enough to be outside.

Maybe I sound like a wuss, but I got sick from heat exhaustion once and it was horrible. I never want to feel that way ever again. I now know better (and did before that day, but it didn't stop me--stupid) than to spend a lot of time outside when it's that hot. I see tourists here all the time in the summer spending all day at the theme parks and you can see they're flushed red and about to be ill all night, but they don't seem to realize it. If they're lucky they'll leave before they get heatstroke and end up in the hospital. If it's 104, it doesn't matter if it's a dry heat or not. It's dangerous. So, since I'm carrying extra fat around, I know I can't deal with high temperatures any better than I did when I was thinner. The parks I like to go to are a bit difficult to do a hike less than an hour long (more likely 2 or 3 hours). There's also a relatively new park called Government Canyon that I haven't been to. The name makes it sound really boring, but I've heard it's a really cool park. It's not open every day and there is a fee, so it's not one I'm going to go to that often. But I like Enchanted Rock (again, the name doesn't do it justice--it's 3 or so large granite hills--if I go back I'll write more about it), so I think that it might be worth the money sometimes for these parks.

Anyway, I can see that I'm rambling now, so it's time to get off the computer. Time to paint or read again.

Anxiety

2010-09-09T20:00:00.000-07:00

My symptoms are mostly in the area of depression, however, I will also mention that I have problems with anxiety. This has somewhat lessened after being treated for the bipolar, however, I am still pretty anxious. I've always had this fear of someone sticking a needle in my foot. There are probably several reasons for this, but on is that I stepped on a sewing needle when I was 4 years old. This may not sound that traumatizing to a normal person. But for a child who was very tiny for her age, this needle went a good way through my foot and was a pretty wide needle used for embroidery. Then I had some traumatizing experiences when I was around 11 and so on for a few years with a sadistic dentist. I hate needles. Somehow this connected together in my mind. I can't sleep if my feet aren't covered. When I was on Zoloft, I had managed to work my way into wearing socks instead of having a blanket over them (this was preferable since my bedroom is so hot). But now I feel the familiar pangs of anxiety again and the socks aren't enough. I hate for my feet or anything else to hang off the bed. I have this sensation that I'm going to feel pain at any moment, so I yank it back up. This is horrible for when I'm just sitting there trying to read or work on the computer. Sitting with my legs up can cause problems with my circulation, so I hate to do it. But the anxiety over the needles is way stronger than my desire for adequate circulation.

Another of my fears is of doors being open. If I can see darkness in the closet at night, I'm always afraid someone is hiding in there waiting for me to fall asleep. It doesn't matter if I check there a hundred times before I try to sleep. If that door is open, I will not sleep. This has escalated to cabinets and drawers, although I know no one can hide in there. But I can't stand seeing that darkness inside. At first, I wasn't sure I could sleep in this bedroom because there isn't a door to the closet. Really, I have anxiety about it all the time. I take melatonin to help me sleep, but this is sometimes not enough. There are times when I resort to promethazine (which is given for severe nausea), which is a really strong tranquilizer. Even if I only take half the tablet, I will be groggy the next day, even if I manage to sleep well. I hate to take it, but being sleep deprived is worse.

The other major issue is my hand or something else touching the wall. Mainly this is at night, which is when my anxieties are strongest (although the social phobia can be at any time). But I've always been afraid of bugs crawling from my hand onto the bed. This could be that I've had this happen numerous times, including from ants, which I despise (especially the big ones we get here in TX). I had the window resealed, which helps, but the ants still get in sometimes. Any bugs are gross to me, so I really don't like them in the room. I actually have a very strong phobia of these nasty bugs that are usually associated with disease spreading, but which I cannot even write about because I hate seeing the word written down. I can't stand seeing cartoon ones, even. This may be a type of neurosis, which is much worse than a phobia. It's a phobia taken to a much higher level. Even worse, is that here in TX, these can be quite large and sometimes they fly. I will seriously freak out and scream and cry and generally panic. I'm just lucky that I haven't had too much experience with scorpions in my apartment, although that happened once. I've been other places where they were just everywhere but just not in the apartment. We did live in a house when I was little where there were black widow spiders in the garage. We knew this, but our toys were in there, so we were forced to go in there if we wanted to play with them. I'm sure my parents would have been horrified if they'd known. However, we had a tendency to exaggerate, so maybe they wouldn't have believed us anyway.

These are the main fears that I have although, obviously, not the only ones. I will speak to my new doctor about this because, so far, the treatment for bipolar disorder has not helped my anxiety much at all. Will probably relate more as it develops...

Weight Loss

2010-09-05T09:40:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately, some of the meds for bipolar and other psychiatric conditions cause weight gain. Seroquel was one of those for me (as well as Paxil--will never take again). Obviously, this isn't the same for everyone. I should stress that only some people gain weight on these drugs, or any drug, really. But I was one of the unlucky ones. Going back to Geodon, which did not make me gain weight, was a chance for me to lose some of the weight I'd gained. This is not the heaviest I've ever been. That was Paxil. I was on it for way longer, though. I'd gotten up to a size XL and I'm only 4'9". Now, I got up to a medium, which is still big for someone my height. Also obviously, when I was on these drugs, no amount of dieting would make me lose the weight, nor the 2 hours of working out at the gym that I did. I can't afford the gym anymore. But I can do Weight Watchers, which is very inexpensive. I can eat my own food, so that's a plus. Last week, I lost a shocking 7 pounds. I wasn't sure that was accurate, since my scale hasn't been very consistent in the past. But this week, I'd lost another 2 pounds, which is more in line with what my weight loss was in the past. I'm going to continue this plan until (and maybe after, to maintain) I lose most of the weight I've gained, a couple of pounds at a time. Rapid weight loss isn't too safe, so I'm happy with that. My bones have shifted and thickened, so I will never be the weight I was in high school (which was 86 pounds--keep in mind that I'm extraordinarily short, and I had very fine bones at the time). Thin for me now would be 104 probably. I'm under no illusions that I will be any thinner than that. Anyway, I'm happy so far, because I'm taking steps to make myself healthier. I need to exercise somehow. My sis R recommended power yoga, so I got myself a DVD and will do that when my sprained toes and injured wrist have healed somewhat. The toes are better, but the wrist is recent and I did it probably while sleeping, because I don't remember doing it or it actually hurting during the day previous to that. I wish I could also lift weights, but I don't have any, nor can I afford them. I probably don't have the space for them, either. Will take what I can get, though. : )

Denied Again

2010-09-02T13:35:00.000-07:00

Okay, last appeal was denied. This was our "request for review", which meant we disagreed with the judge's decision (duh, of course we did), and wanted him to go through the evidence again. Unfortunately, they do not let you get another judge. So, we ended up with the same jerk we had before, who, of course, did not think I was disabled. Our only option was to file a civil suit, however, I don't think that's what my lawyer wants to do. Our chances are almost nil, and I talked to them recently. They mentioned that they would call if they were going to continue, or else they would send me a letter. Then she confirmed my address. However, from the tone of her voice, I could tell it would be the latter. I am obviously very disappointed. I, honestly, don't see how anyone would think I can work. Anyone who hired me would have to put up with frequent illness (not just the bipolar disorder), and I know there is no one who could have an employee that is absent that much. I don't want to get a good job, then get fired and not be eligible for re-hire.

I have no clue as to how to proceed. I know I can't work. However, not having money for my medical tests, etc. that need to be done is very difficult. I needed the medical coverage from disability in order to get better. I need a diagnosis and treatment. I don't know how I'm going to get that if I can't pay for any of it. I don't know what the University Health System's program covers (and the woman in charge of that has no clue, either). I don't know who to contact for information. Everyone tries to pass the buck to someone else. I just hope that the general practitioner that they assigned me to is not a jerk and that he will listen to me and be able to answer my questions. I'd prefer to see Dr. R., my regular general practitioner. However, if they will cover the tests, I have to see their doctor. Please let them cover the tests!

Sunday

2010-08-29T16:05:00.000-07:00

Wow. It's Sunday and you're already getting a new blog post from me. Amazing, right? Yeah, we'll see if I can keep it up.

Anyway, I promised to write something more on-topic, so this is my medical update. Yes, I know that sounds boring. It might just be that, but if you are bipolar or even depressed, you might be having similar symptoms. You are not alone, which I have to remind myself all the time! I am not on here to provide medical advice. I am not a doctor and I hope I'm not pretending to be. I've learned a lot about my condition over the years that I've been treated, including about some of the medications I take and what they do. I want to be as informed as possible when I talk to my doctor. If I have a good one, they want me to be informed, too. The last doctor I had was not that type.

I don't want to give his real name, but Martinez is a very common name here and be aware that that is not his actual name. I don't give my name or my friends' names, so I'm not going to start now. If I have something good to say, I'll say it straight out, though. Anyway, now that I've explained that, I will say that he did not seem to like it that I wanted to be on certain types of medications or that I was aware of more recent research than he was. Keep in mind that I do not read medical journals and this was published in a book in 2004, so we're not talking cutting-edge. He told me that Lamictal and Seroquel were both anti-psychotics, too. I know that Lamictal is an anti-convulsant from just about every source I've read and the other doctors I've talked to. According to them, it works as a mood stabilizer in bipolar patients, which is not the same as an anti-psychotic. So he did not want to keep me on both medications. I stuck to my guns because that was the treatment that has worked the best, so far, as I'd been on the anti-convulsant alone and it did not correct all of my symptoms, including the hallucinations. I wasn't sure I liked the Seroquel because I'd been gaining weight. However, I wasn't sure if it was my diet (I do eat when I'm depressed), so I was willing to give it another chance. I had to argue and argue, but he gave me the prescription anyway, even though he grumbled about it. I didn't like his attitude (he was very abrupt and was just like every other doctor I'd had with the University Health System, which means I had to repeat myself over and over). I didn't have a choice on the next appointment. They just handed me a sheet of paper and that was it.

The next time I went, I was going to ask for another doctor. I did not like him and I didn't feel comfortable talking to him. My previous doctor, whom I liked a lot on a personal level (he was like a father figure for me in some ways, and we had all kinds of pleasant conversations when I came into his office, like similarities between ancient Rome and the United States, the history of art, our experiences in Paris, and any number of things). We had a lot in common and I could relate to him and he could relate to me as he had children my age that had similar interests. He is also the one that had me reading the research and explaining what my prescriptions did and how they worked, what the side effects were and how they would begin manifesting, and what to do if I had any of them. I guess I was spoiled. I will use his name because I think he is a good doctor and very easy to talk to. His name is Dr. Jacques Baillargeon in San Antonio, TX. He's just awesome, really. He is the one that first thought it might be bipolar disorder instead of post-traumatic stress disorder, which was my first diagnosis (another doctor). He doesn't take insurance anymore (he was tired of dealing with them and I don't blame him), but he is worth the rates he charges, which are reasonable for his profession. He could change his policy in the future, so it's worth it just to talk to him.

I went in to my new appointment and I was waiting quite a long time (always there--another reason I was spoiled as Dr. B. never made me wait) and another woman came out. She told me her name was Dr. Rodriguez (again, not her real name) and I could see her if I wanted to, or I could wait a little longer and see my regular doctor. I told her that I'd only seen him once before and wanted to change doctors. I guess she thought I would want some continuity, and ordinarily, I would. But, in this case, I was ready to switch. She was very nice and was new in the office (only her 3rd day there), which was why she didn't have as many patients assigned to her yet. She also seemed to understand exactly what I was talking about and knew all of the research I'd read and more (yea!). She was happy that I knew as much as I did and was actually pretty surprised about that, too. But she was really sweet and I would like to stay with her, given a choice. So they gave me the choice, and I'll be you know what I said. :) They also gave me a new appointment, and at least now, they let me pick the time. As she gets more patients, this may not always be possible, but it was nice this once.

The new plan is to put me back on Geodon as my anti-psychotic since it helped my symptoms better than the Seroquel (and, yes, it was actually making me gain weight). Indeed, my hallucinations had been worse than ever before, by a long shot, and were much more negative and disturbing, and they were never like that before. My concentration and memory were worse on it, as well. Unlike the doctors at the hospital, she wanted to make that change not quite so suddenly, so I'm on a slightly lower dose of the Geodon, and she will raise it the next time I see her. She did raise the Lamictal to 200mg.

I'm not as depressed as before exactly. I think I always get a little optimistic after I see a doctor. I think, "this is going to work this time." But then, later on, I start feeling that familiar refrain of, "Everyone is better off without me." It's a dangerous thought to have and it scares me quite a bit. Usually, it seems like my symptoms are worse at night. Maybe you've had similar problems. But with me, I guess, I'm just doing things during the day and it isn't until I'm trying to sleep that I have time to think...really think. That's when the crying spells happen most. That's when I ended up in the hospital. But with this disorder, at least in that mood, thinking isn't what you need to be doing because your thoughts are controlled by the disease, not you. But I've fallen victim to them many times and probably will continue to do so for, at least, a little while longer. I can tell, after last night and the night before, that the dosage still needs to be adjusted. I had thought that I was feeling sort-of "in the middle", not really badly depressed, but not really happy, either. But I think that was just because I had a doctor's appointment. Now that some time has passed, I can tell I'm still depressed. I'm better than before, no doubt, or I'd still be in the hospital (although I will admit that my acting got me released, not the alleviation of symptoms). If they'd known I had done some acting and taken acting classes, they probably would have seen through it!

But, I also knew that my family were pissed at me for putting them through that when they knew themselves that I wasn't that depressed (yeah, they know me so well). So, I put on a happy face and tried to go on with my life. I tried to enjoy every minute I was out of that place. At first, it did feel great, but not as great as I would have liked. It was nice to see trees, really. I missed them so much. I didn't think 3 and a half days would be that long, but it was. It was worse because I'd been hiking every day before that. I'd used that as a stress reliever. When I couldn't do that, or paint, or draw, or any of the things I normally did when I felt unwell, that was worse than my symptoms at that time (probably not literally, of course). If I'd had insurance, I would have gone to a different hospital. Other people who were there with me said the others were better. Hell, even if I was on Medicaid, I probably could have gone somewhere else. But I'm not working (and I probably wouldn't be here right now if I were), and so I had no choice. However, I will say that I will probably call the crisis line again if I need to. It's better than the alternative, although it won't feel that way at the time. Hopefully, a little cool-down time is enough to get me through another few days, y'know? But the worst thing was really the boredom. If we'd had counseling and other things to do, it would have helped more, I think. So, if I win my case and still need it, I can call someone else. I hope I won't need it.

That being said, I am hoping that I will be okay and that I will be able to go back to work in the not-too-distant future. I don't know when that will happen. It's like there's a light at the end of a tunnel in that I feel some relief from the worst symptoms, but the light gets farther and farther away the more I travel through the tunnel. I keep thinking that it will not be much longer, but it is taking longer than I expected it to to finally get better. Really, when I saw my first doctor, I believed her when she said she thought I could be back to work in 3 weeks. Seems really naive of me now, but at the time, I really did think that I would be cured by a magic pill and everything would be perfect in no time at all. I know that's unrealistic now, but I had no clue back then. I wish I'd been better informed, and I wish I'd had someone be honest with me. So, I'm telling you. It might take longer than you think, but it's possible. I have a friend who was just diagnosed with clinical depression. She's doing wonderfully right now. It helps to talk to her because she's where I want to be, and I see that it's possible to feel better. I know it. I don't know how long it will take me to get there, but I want to know what that feels like. I do. I want to know what it's like to be truly happy for a change. Happy, without the black cloud over me, you know? To quote one of my favorite bands, a-ha, "Make it soon."

Bonus

2010-08-28T19:31:00.000-07:00

Considering how bad I've been about writing on here consistently, I am giving any readers out there a little bonus. I am still trying to find a style that works with acrylic paints. I'm not used to the medium. The stuff I did in oils was much more polished and realistic-looking. The problem with acrylics is that they are somewhat transparent, and so any mistakes you make will show through any corrections you try to make. So, since I am new to this medium, I figured I would work on some stylistic changes that might work better with it. This is still, obviously, a work-in-progress (See "Limited Artistic Ability"). But I have made changes since the last posting of it. It looks more like a dog, but his face still looks a little crooked or something. Hmm. Not sure what to do about the ears.

Thought they looked a little too much like Doritos before. Not happy with them now, either, though. : (

Ancient Sunrise Yemen Henna

2010-08-28T10:52:00.000-07:00

Yes, I know I promised something on-topic, but that post will follow soon. I just wanted to put something positive on here, and I was pretty excited about hennaing my hair. I always like to use natural henna since regular hair color doesn't last very long. For the price, natural henna is the better buy, even if it costs more to start with. The color is permanent and does not wash out. So it can last a year or more. Mine was last done about 2 years ago or more. Probably more like 3. Anyway, my natural color is odd and hard to describe. It did not look natural, but looked like a bad dye job. It was dark at the roots, red in the middle, and blonde on the ends. I always got nasty comments made about how horrible my hair looked, sometimes to my face and not behind my back. So, I started coloring my hair a darker color, since people have a stereotype about Mexicans that they have dark hair. Maybe that's why they didn't think it was natural, but probably not the only reason. Now all I get are compliments. Of course, I originally used regular dye, which only lasted about 4 weeks, if I was lucky. I usually picked a dark red (which is closer to my natural color, but darker) or else a dark brown. However, the chemicals were very harsh (I'm lucky that I'm not allergic because I didn't burn, but it was hard on my sinuses, etc.). Plus, I was doing it so often that it began to cost quite a bit. I heard about natural henna and wanted to try it, but the henna itself was a little expensive. Plus, I had to buy stuff to put in my mix (you want to pick all natural products and no chemicals, since that can make the color more unpredictable--or you can have your hair turn green or something). I usually put tea, wine, coffee (something acidic), then a scented oil. Usually people use tea tree oil, since this makes the dye release faster. I use lavender oil, since the smell isn't as off-putting. But I believe there are other oils that are okay as well (not all oils make the dye release faster). I also add pectin, since that thickens it up and makes it not so runny.

I always get my henna from hennaforhair.com as Catherine always has the best quality hennas. If possible, you want to use body-art quality henna (boxed henna made for hair color usually has chemicals added). She usually only had one kind and I always bought it because I knew it was good. It's been a while since I did this, so when I looked recently, she had a whole selection. In the forums, the one people liked the most was the Yemen henna as it was supposed to mature to a deep ruby or burgundy color. Since my problem is that my hair is usually brassy or fairly golden, this appealed to me, so that's what I bought. It came to $14.75 with shipping, however that could change depending on what she has to do to get the next shipment. It varies. She also had a henna that was similar called Celebration, which I almost chose, but the Yemen henna ended up being cheaper this time, so that's the one I chose. Every now and then she gets one called Dark of the Moon, but it is much more expensive.

I bought my henna and had a bottle of wine that was beautifully-colored, but didn't taste very good (way too bitter for me). I didn't quite have enough wine for my mix, since you need 2 full cups. One cup you add the day before (just anything acidic--you can use lemon juice or something if you want), plus the oil. The next day, I boiled the last 1/2 cup of wine and made a strong raspberry hibiscus tea (2 tea bags for the 1/2 cup of water). I bought the wrong pectin, or this would have worked perfectly. But I bought the regular pectin instead of the no sugar needed pectin. Stupid of me. So, it didn't set properly and was very clumpy and runny. If you use the other pectin, add it to the boiled liquid and stir, then mix it into the henna mixture. Wait about 20 minutes, then apply to your hair. It didn't work for me, so the mixture was very runny and clumpy. I left it on for 3 hours and that was about as long as I could stand. The longer you leave it on the better. It makes you hot because you have to wrap your hair in cling wrap or something (I use 2 processing caps that are the type for relaxing your hair). As I sweated, though, the mixture was dripping down my face, and I had to wipe it off immediately. If I left it just a few seconds my face was stained a little yellow. This particular henna has a VERY high dye content, which I was not used to. So, I had to stay by the mirror and the bathroom, which made finding things to do a little difficult. Instead, I put down a length of canvas under my easel and worked on a painting that I'm having a difficult time finishing. I also answered some e-mail and that seemed to take most of the time. I rinsed in the sink for a while, until most of the large clumps were gone, then rinsed in the shower and shampooed and conditioned until the water ran clear. The color I got was still a reddish brown, but was less golden red than my natural color and was very pretty. Today it has oxidized a little, and it is a little more ruby red than yesterday. Tomorrow will let me see what the color will stay like, if it isn't the same as today. I wore a dark teal silk top today, which seemed to bring out the redness in my dark hair and I got loads of compliments on how I looked. I don't get a lot of compliments, so this made me feel great. I have low self-esteem, but you can imagine me wearing that top a lot from now on! : )

I will have to write at one point on how my moods are now and what my prescriptions are. They are changing a lot very quickly and I am seeing a new doctor now. There are more changes coming. Our request for review (on my disability case) was denied. I'm not terribly surprised, but extremely disappointed that they didn't even consider it. Really, I got screwed big time, considering how the "experts" and the "judge" treated me during the hearing, and now they won't even review it. Our only chance now is to file a civil suit against them. Not sure if my lawyer will want to do that, considering how low our chances are of winning. If it hadn't been for the judge we ended up with, she said we had a good case and would have won. However, I don't think another judge will want to go against the other guy. If I don't win any back pay, however, I do not have to pay her, so I know she will want to do whatever she can. Will talk to her Monday.

Apostrophe

2010-08-22T18:59:00.000-07:00

Might be a while before I can post again. I want to try to keep this up, and I have been doing a pretty poor job of it. Obviously, I am still depressed, and this affects my ability to write (and even get out of bed). But now, a button came off of my computer keyboard. Unfortunately, it was the apostrophe, which also makes quotes. I tend to not notice how often I use that key, but it is quite a bit. I cannot use contractions now, which is not how most of us speak (at least here in the US). I also realize that I type quotes a lot. Either I am quoting someone else, or I am typing the name of a song or something. Obviously books and movies would be in italics, which is not affected, but nevertheless, I am hampered by this. I have tape over a few of my keys to keep the contacts under the missing key free of dust. Therefore, those keys are hard to hit as well. They do not move as freely as they would normally. So, I will actually give you a heads-up that it will be at least a week before this is fixed, possibly longer. Will try to post up something interesting after that (or at least something on topic) and not just about my computer problems. The THs seem gone and my computer error-free so far, so that part is good. I have ordered the apostrophe key from a retailer and will hopefully get by with only replacing the one key and not the whole keyboard. Fingers crossed!

Trojan Horses

2010-08-19T14:16:00.000-07:00

Found TWO Trojan Horses on my computer today. Somehow, the anti-virus software on my computer became disabled. This is NOT something I would ever do, so I have no idea how that happened. This is my personal computer and is at my home. No one ever uses it but me. I live with my 69 year old mother. This is not something she would ever do, either. She is not malicious toward anyone, not even when she is angry. That's just not her style. Plus, we haven't fought in ages. Anyway, so I was going to run a scan, and when the window came up, it said it was disabled. I turned it back on, and of course, I was alarmed. So I set it up to run a detailed scan. It found the Trojan Horses, and I told it to delete them. However, I don't know how long they've been on here. I don't know if anyone got the information on all my accounts, or what was going on with the THs. So, today, I've been updating all of my accounts, and even changing my e-mail address. Yes, this seems drastic, but it was time to switch anyway. I was getting to where I hated Hotmail with a passion, and you shouldn't hate your e-mail provider. So, I'm now on Google, and it seems much better. So, I created a couple more passwords (well 3, actually), which I will use for all of them. I especially wanted to change the most at-risk ones, so I did those. But, even here, I don't want anyone sending Spam or anything from me, or posting something indecent and saying it was me. No, no, no. Hopefully this will take care of the problem. Only time will tell (and possibly my browser crashing over and over again, which is what alerted me this time). : )

A Good Day

2010-08-13T12:08:00.000-07:00

As anyone who reads this knows, I haven't been doing too well lately. I've been depressed a lot, and when I'm not I'm just "okay". I'm not happy or anything. I've been having trouble creating art, which doesn't make me feel too great, since that's one of the things I've always done to cope. If I can't do that, I'm not myself. It takes quite a lot to cheer me up or make me anything other than just "in the middle". But the last couple of weeks have been great.

My sister came to visit. She brought my nephew, who, for some reason, isn't scared of me, even though I'm grumpy quite a bit. I always feel like I'm nothing to want to visit, but it was good to see them and go out and do tourist things. We went out to eat a lot and did some shopping

(low-cost shopping, since none of us really has a lot of money--I'm talking Goodwill and Ross and whatnot). We went to the zoo and fed the lorries. For one week, we went up to Fort Worth to visit my sis' in-laws. There, we did more shopping, since there's not a whole lot else to do, except go out to eat. One day, the in-laws watched little E, so sis and I could go to a concert. We drove to Dallas (about an hour away) to the House of Blues to see Crowded House. I'm pretty petite (I'm only 4'9"), so I wanted to get there really early since the floor, where our tickets were, was general admission. If I'm not in front, I can't see a thing. Even if that person were only 5' tall, that's too much for me. However, it was 107F and we really didn't want to wait outside. One woman told us, when we walked in, that if we spent $15 in the restaurant or shop, we could wait inside and skip the line. That was fine with us as we would have probably spent that in the shop anyway. So, we bought a couple of things in the shop. I bought a travel mug with the House of Blues logo and a keychain. It was only around 3:30 pm, so we had a long wait since the doors didn't open until 7. The good part about that was that we could hear the sound check through the open doors of the room where the show would be.

A little while later, a couple of other women joined us, and we had fun talking about music and TV shows and such. When the doors opened, we all ran down to the front of the stage and had perfect viewing, except for the speakers that were in front. The stage was exceptionally high, so these blocked my view of the back of the stage. However, I wouldn't complain, since it was a great place regardless. The band were awesome, as usual. They were funny and had us laughing and smiling the whole way through. Also, they let us bring cameras in (no video or flash photography), and my camera has a low-light setting that doesn't use the flash. So I got some great shots, and we all traded the camera around every now and then to get some different perspectives. At the end of the show, as the staff were clearing the stage, they handed out guitar picks, etc., and I got one of Mark Hart's guitar picks, which even had his name on it.

Afterwards, we went out to the back door, and we were able to meet the band and get autographs. They were exceptionally sweet and really funny. Nick Seymour even let us take a photo with him (I'm sure the other guys would have, too, but we didn't get to ask, however, they did sign autographs and chat with us). When we walked back to our cars, we were all screaming and jumping up and down like teenagers. I haven't felt that happy in a long time.

Sis and I also saw a-ha in LA in May, which was my birthday present to myself, to go on a trip out there. I hardly ever get to go to concerts, and this one meant a lot to me, since a-ha were the first concert I'd ever been to, and this was the first time they'd toured the US since 1986. It's also their last tour EVER, since they are breaking up after this. I have been a fan of theirs since the beginning and it was great to hear all their newer songs live, since I'd never heard them live before. It was hard not to cry, knowing it would all end, but it was amazing. So, for me, that's two great concerts in one year, which is rare for me. I just wish I could feel that way all the time.

Limited Artistic Ability

2010-06-09T11:14:00.000-07:00

For a while, I was able to paint and draw again. I'll admit that this is when my medications were less effective. I was on a lower dose of the Lamictal, and before that I'd run out of Trileptal, eventually causing my trip to the hospital. However, I'd managed to come up with a couple of coping strategies that sort-of helped me. I'd begun making art again, which felt great since I hadn't been able to think that way in a long time. As soon as I started treatment for bipolar disorder, it helped curb my suicidal feelings, but I could no longer think like an artist. I couldn't come up with ideas for photographs, paintings, or whatever. Anything I'd begun before that, I was suddenly stumped with, like how would I finish it? I was at a loss. So, suddenly being able to see where my paint colors should go, come up with ideas as to how to relate my experiences with mental illness in images, etc., felt fantastic. I painted like a madwoman, constantly having a piece of paper or canvas at least in the process of priming, if not painting.

The other thing I'd begun to do was to go hiking with my dog. Not only was I getting loads of exercise and spending time with my baby, who desperately needed to get out of the apartment and relieve his boredom, but I was dealing with my anxiety of doing things by myself. I have a fear of being ambushed by someone while I'm in the park, falling and being unable to call for help, or getting lost and unable to find my way back to the parking lot. Climbing the rocky hillside was dangerous, of course, and I almost fell backwards a couple of times, scaring myself into thinking I could have ended up with a head injury or worse. But, I kept going and actually enjoyed the time to think. Any time I'd feel stressed and like I couldn't stand being in the apartment (I still have a strong dislike for the neighbors and their noise--and their rude attitude towards the other neighbors), I would head out to my favorite park, that being Eisenhower Park on the north side of town. I rarely ever see wildlife at this park, but it is fairly large and has a variety of trails, welcomes dogs, and provides decent maps with information on the different flora. I did however, see a roadrunner ( a fairly large one, about the size of my papillon) run across the path in front of me. Luckily, Bucky was looking in a different direction and did not try to chase him!

Anyway, of course, I ended up in the hospital, which made me feel incredibly closed-in and trapped, since I could no longer get out into the open air to deal with stress. In fact, we were assured upon admission that we had the right to go outside, however this was not a possibility. The doors were locked and we were not allowed to go out of the ward at all. In the 5 minutes I spent with their doctors, they did change my medications. I felt groggy, but could not sleep in the hospital. It ended up being a total of 5 days (since I hadn't slept much for the previous 2 days, and ended up in hospital for 3 days) that I was sleep deprived, and ended up sleeping for a total of 22 hours straight after my release. I had trouble waking and slept more than usual for the next week. I had no energy at all. By the time I finally felt a little more normal, the weather had changed and it was suddenly dangerously hot to spend an hour or so walking in the park. I really didn't have the energy to do so, but I would have at least made an attempt to get back into the habit. Also, I couldn't think like an artist anymore, either. I was incredibly disappointed, and now I have an unfinished painting, which I can tell is a little off, but cannot think of what I need to do to correct it, or at least make it look more like what I want it to look like. It's been a couple of months now, and I still have no idea what to do. I need to get back into exercising, but have hardly the motivation or energy to do so. Wish there was some way I could feel happier without curbing my artistic instincts. Anyone, got any tips or ideas? I could certainly use them. I'm not happy if I'm not creating.

Dr. Martinez, Jr.

2010-06-09T10:58:00.000-07:00

Usually, I like to keep going to the same doctor. However, my lack of funds and my continuing fight with Social Security sort-of prevent me from seeing my usual doctor. So now, as I've previously ranted about the University Health System, I've seen the new doctor they assigned me. He seems nice enough, although more businesslike than I usually like. Plus, he seemed hard of hearing or something, constantly asking me to repeat statements that I thought were a little loud for my privacy, since the doors are only so thick. Plus, there are things that I've read about bipolar disorder that he didn't seem to know, like the more current research. He seemed more interested in what medications I was taking than my actual symptoms and what has worked and what hasn't. Like, he was considering putting me back on Depakote! Hell, no! I don't want to go through all of that again! My hair all fell out (well, I'm exaggerating...not ALL, just a LOT) and I got really bad tremors in my arms, legs, hands, fingers, mouth, etc. Unfortunately, the tremors have not gone away after I went off the medication. I certainly don't want to do anything that could make it WORSE! Not to mention that he thought Lamictal was an antipsychotic and not a mood stabilizer as I've read. The antipsychotic would be the Seroquel. He didn't think I needed to be on an antipsychotic, which I really don't agree with. There's a reason I'm on it. I had problems concentrating and focusing when I was on only a mood stabilizer. My doctor said the anipsychotic would help me concentrate, which I didn't believe at first. But it really did work and I'm not about to go off of it. I like to read, and I couldn't do that before the antipyschotic. I couldn't remember anything I read and had to read and reread passages since I would forget how the paragraph started by the time I reached the end. Sometimes, just a sentence was incomprehensible to me. There were other problems as well, of course. I also had some hallucinations. They were very infrequent and I could always tell it wasn't real, but I'm glad to have them gone at any rate.

Anyway, I'm not pleased with this doctor and I hope I don't have to continue to see him for very long. If I have problems with him, I hope they'll let me switch, or else I could win my disability case and then seek my own doctor.

Finally!

2010-03-28T18:57:00.000-07:00

Well, they came around somehow. After arguing and arguing, the doctor's office finally told me they'd pay the bill. What a relief! They told me they couldn't do anything until I'd talked to the doctor, because the doctor was the one who ordered the tests. Well, I didn't even end up talking to her. I'm guessing it was discussed between her and the billing department, because that was who contacted me in the end. In some way, I wish I'd have been able to let the doctor have it for ordering those tests in the first place, so that it wouldn't happen again. But I guess I'm glad to have the bill taken care of regardless. However, I will not be going back to that office ever again. The previous gynecologist I had had problems with her billing department, as well. So I don't want to go back there, either. Wish I could just find a good one and leave it at that. Hate going from doctor to doctor.

I'm not even going to go into my feelings on the whole Center for Health Care Services thing. I mean, they're so swamped that you have to wait months for an appointment and I'll be lucky to have even adequate care if I can't get to see a doctor when I need to. Don't see how my prescriptions, etc. can be managed that way, or how I'm supposed to make do in the meantime, while I wait to finally be given a doctor's appointment some months from now.

Otherwise, I think I'm doing okay. Weird, but seems fine for now. I think it's too early to say whether the Seroquel is doing it, or if I'd have been having a sort-of normal phase anyway. I just remember feeling so good to be out of the hospital that I kind-of think that that was the thing that did it, at least for the time being. Don't know how long that will hold out, but maybe I'll just be so anxious to stay out of that place that I'll manage somehow. I doubt it could be that simple, but I can hope. My meds were so messed up before the whole depressed episode anyway, that really I can't be sure that that was the reason I got so bad. I mean, I'd run out of a couple of them for a while. How do I know that the meds weren't working and that's why I got depressed, rather than the fact that I'd been off them for a few days and that's what messed me up? But the hospital docs thought to switch things up, and indeed made several changes at once. I have been having this weird feeling like I'm itching all over and I can't relax and be comfortable. I mean, I itch so bad that I can't sleep because I can't stop scratching. Have no idea which change could have caused this, since they made so many at once. Could have been caused by the increase in the Lamictal. Could be caused by the Seroquel. Indeed, I've had reactions simply to the dye used to color the tablets before, so it could be something that easy or it could not. Wish they'd have only done one thing and let me follow up with another doctor later. I'd have more of an idea what's wrong. I just don't like it that they don't care what my feelings are on the matter and are going to do whatever they want whether I like it or not. I have no more faith in the doctor I will see sometime in the hopefully not-too-distant future than in the hospital docs. I have a feeling I'll just be a number to them as that's how I've been treated so far. Plus, I wish they'd listen to what I'm actually saying, instead of me having to repeat myself several times, or keep rephrasing everything because they don't accept the answer I gave them because it wasn't the answer they expected. I mean, I got tired of saying, "That's not what I said. I said..." Ugh.

I hate doctors!

2010-03-15T21:42:00.000-07:00

Okay, not EVERY one. But if I hadn't found a certain Dr. R. here in SA, I'd think all doctors are idiots who don't listen to their patients and are just out to make money. They don't CARE about people at all. Today, I called my gynecologist, a certain Dr. Gurwitz, because they charged me for 3 tests that I didn't order. But the doctor ordered them, so they won't take the tests off my bill. Well, they also said that they don't normally order those particular tests unless it's discussed with me and the doctor. There's no way in hell I'd have asked for a Gonorrhoeae (sic) test or a Chlamydia test. I'm not sexually active, so there's no reason to test for those things. I'm sure I mentioned that at my appointment because they always ask. So I don't know why they'd have ordered them based on my appointment. Plus, they know I'm not working right now and each of these 3 tests they ordered for me were $100. The most they offered me was a discount, that would make the total bill $240 instead of the $375 they billed me for. The only thing I should have to pay for is the exam and the pap test, which was all I asked for. As it is, they charged me $125 for the exam, which was $55 the last time I was there a year ago. They told me that was the lowest amount they could charge. But-- and I said this, too--if it had been that much last time, I wouldn't have come back. Not only that, but they didn't even give me samples of my medication. Last time, they gave me enough samples for the whole year. I got nothing at all this time, and the prescription they'd given me was so expensive, I couldn't afford it. So really, this has been the most expensive doctor visit I've ever had (hospital and ER visits aside), and I'll never go back there again. I just felt scammed and like they didn't care whether I could afford all this stuff or not. It's my word against the doctor's. What can I do? I'm calling back tomorrow to talk to a billing supervisor, but I'm not optimistic. But so far, after the doctors at the hospital and the people at the Center for Health Care Services (like low-cost help for the mentally ill--but it's like the McDonald's of health care because they see so many people and it's not like it's GOOD health care, just so-so care), and now a gynecologist that I had previously liked, I don't trust doctors at all. If anyone has any ideas as to any recourse I might have for being overcharged, I'd like to hear them, because it's really unfair for me to pay for things I didn't want.

Hospital

2010-03-05T19:07:00.000-08:00

I feel embarrassed about this. But I just got out of the hospital. For the first time ever, I've now been hospitalized for depression. Really, all I wanted was to talk to a suicide counselor. But the hotline I called must have been a different one, because she sent the police to my house, and they took me to the hospital. I ended up there all night long in the ER. Literally. I called the hotline around 10:00 or 10:30 pm. I was at the hospital soon after. Then, it was 7:30 in the morning by the time they finally told me I had no choice but to be admitted. I didn't sleep at all. And all of this was triggered by the fact that my neighbors don't let me sleep, so I got anxious and depressed. So now, are they making me feel any better? No, not at all. Really, by that morning I wasn't feeling suicidal anymore. I was just tired and really too tired to think about it. The moment had passed. Still, I had no choice. It was still 4:30 or so by the time they took me upstairs to my room, which I had to share (not good, I'm a light sleeper). I was exhausted, but they had me doing a few things once I got up there. I had no chance to sleep. They make you eat dinner at 5:00. I don't even get hungry until 7:00 or so. But I had to eat. Still, the food upstairs on the 7th floor was waaaayyy better than the stuff in the ER. It was at least tolerable. I couldn't even eat the stuff downstairs. Then my dad came to visit. They told me I'd get to go home the next day. The next day, I met with the doctors. They didn't want me to take the new meds until that night. So I was there another day! Really, BEING THERE made me feel depressed. Everyone there was nice, but the patients were depressed and that was hard to take. Some of them were worse off than me, being that they talked to themselves and stuff. Plus, I really missed my dog. I didn't like the hospital beds. It felt like I was just sleeping on the box springs. Plus, they check on you every 15 minutes. Those doors were not quiet, so I heard it every time and it made me jump. I didn't feel comfortable with someone watching me sleep. I had nightmares about it when I managed to sleep an hour. I just felt worse being there. They didn't let us outside at all. They didn't let us exercise. They didn't let me have my facial moisturizer or my facial cleanser, but my roommate got to keep her shampoo, conditioner, lotion, and body wash. I got zilch. I didn't trust them to watch my stuff that they were holding. They had it locked up, but it went through a few hands by then, and they told me they had to inventory it, so they went through each item before they locked it up, including my cash. Then, when they let me go, I got a sheet of paper saying they think my diagnosis is schizoaffective disorder instead of bipolar. I read about schizoaffective disorder. The schizophrenic symptoms match me not at all. I have no idea why they'd say that. I'm bipolar. So I'm pissed about that because now I don't trust them to help me. They're going to be treating a condition I don't have. And because I need help paying for my medications, I have to see their doctor or I don't get my pills. I don't trust their doctors. I'm so unhappy about it all. Not to mention, I didn't get all the stuff coming out that I went in with, including a couple of dollars and a vial of my motion sickness pills that mysteriously went missing. I just don't trust them at all. I hope I get a good doctor. I wish I could continue to see my old doctor.

Noisy Neighbors

2010-02-22T20:30:00.000-08:00

They don't do the loud stereo thing because I complained over and over again, but they find new ways of being noisy all the time. Our apartment is downstairs and the upstairs neighbors are up until at LEAST midnight every night. They make a lot of noise getting ready for bed, if that is indeed what they're doing. It takes them 3 hours to do it, so I'm doubtful. They slam cabinets and doors, go out on the balcony (the sliding door is LOUD, and it sounds like thunder or else like MY sliding door is opening--very unnerving), plus they stomp when they walk. They even have a little toddler, who is very noisy when she runs around in the apartment, and they don't even put her to bed until around 11 or later (who lets a toddler stay up until 11?). The next door neighbors are just as bad. They fight constantly, which means slamming doors and yelling constantly. I've complained about them NUMEROUS times, and it never seems to do anything because they'll just do it again the next day. Either they're dumber than a bag of rocks or they're just really huge assholes. I'm inclined to think they're assholes, because really, I just assume everyone is an asshole until I learn otherwise, because it makes life easier. I can never relax in this place and I'm not getting enough sleep, which is impacting my health. I always try to go to bed at 10. Always have. But I can't even attempt to go to sleep until midnight because I know the neighbors will keep me up anyway. Then, to top it off, they wake up at 6 and don't even leave for work or whatever until 10, so I can't sleep in. I hate this place and everyone in it, and if I really thought about it, suicide would seem the perfect answer to this whole mess. I'm miserable and I'm making everyone around me miserable. If I didn't have to take care of my dog, I probably wouldn't be here typing this. Nothing else is keeping me here. I hate my life. This disability thing seems like it's too little too late, or else it's just going to make a whole host of new problems rather than helping. I want to buy a house and get out of this whole apartment thing. No way I can do that on $700 a month. And really, how is it fair to base the disability payments on how much I've worked. Duh. I haven't worked. I'm disabled. I can't work. People are idiots. I wish I could just get out of here, but I'm stuck in this horrible place and I'll probably never know what it's like to be happy and I'll just be in this position forever and ever. How can I plan for retirement on $700 a month? I'm almost 40. I can't stand this.

I guess I needed glasses...

2009-11-28T16:03:00.000-08:00

Had an eye test done not long ago. Really, my distance vision isn't much better than close up, but close up was the worst. She wanted to write a prescription for bifocals, but since I've never worn glasses before, she didn't want to do that. However, I need to get my eyes tested regularly because I'll be needing the bifocals before I know it. I'd had problems with distances before, but my eyes tested so well, that they really didn't know how to write a prescription for it. My vision has always been way better than 20/20. So the last time I got my eyes tested, in 2003, they wrote me a weak prescription for distances. It really didn't improve my vision much, so I never wore them except maybe at night when I was driving in an unfamiliar location and needed to read street signs. Really, I can make out most things just fine. So, I hadn't gotten tested since then (not good, but I didn't have insurance and I figured it would be like the last time and my vision would test better than 20/20 and there'd be nothing they could really do for me). But I guess it's been getting worse since then. But the new glasses help when I read. I hope that if I really have trouble with distances I can get contacts or something instead of glasses and just wear reading glasses, like now. That way I don't need bifocal contacts. I don't think I could do that. I also don't really want to do the bifocal glasses either because there are times I really don't want glasses on. I'm very petite (only 4'9") and most glasses are loose on me and fall off or down my nose. Sometimes I need both hands, like when I'm painting, and I can't push them back up or put them back on. As it is, my sunglasses are dirty and constantly need cleaning because my eyelashes are long and very straight. There's almost no curve to them at all. So they rub on the lenses and my mascara gets all over them. I don't want to be cleaning glasses all the time, either. But I wear sunglasses a lot because sunlight triggers migraines for me, so I really can't go out without them. But I hate wearing them. Anyway, at least now I can read. Hopefully there won't be a new prescription too soon. We had a 50% off coupon and my glasses were $120. I picked the cheapest frames I could and I didn't even get bifocals. I knew glasses were expensive, but in 2003 I had an awesome vision plan that was included in my health insurance plan and I got the exam and glasses with frames up to $150, so I got designer frames, and I still could get the anti-glare, anti-scratch, UV, transitions lenses, etc., all for only $10. Of course, that was then and no insurance is as good nowadays as that plan was. The plans cost more and cover less. Such a rip off. I know I've already railed against our lack of a national health care system, so I won't do it again. But I have a friend living in England and she wants to move to the U.S. She loves everything about the country except that we don't have national health care. She has diabetes and her health care costs would be quite high if she lived over here as she's got all sorts of complications that I don't want to go into, for her sake. But that's the thing that keeps her from moving here. That sucks, really. I mean, we live in an awesome place. But we shouldn't have to pay so much just to stay healthy. The way it is now, only rich people are healthy. That just seems very un-American to me. Anyway...

So, everything is fine. New glasses. Thyroid still off. My joints are aching and not feeling very lubricated. I feel like everything is rusty and not moving. Hopefully that will improve when my hormone levels are back to normal and I don't have some form of arthritis, which would be my kind of luck. I can't afford glucosamine although I've taken it in the past and it works pretty well. But it costs as much as one of my prescriptions, even at Sam's, so that's not going to happen. I can't afford a decent knee brace. I have a crappy compression brace, but it does nothing at all to keep my knee cap from popping in and out of place. When that happens, I fall over, especially if I'm on stairs, but that's not the only time. Well, a decent brace would hopefully help, but they're not any cheaper than the glucosamine. So I guess I just have to somehow tolerate the pain for a few months and hopefully it will stop. I have one bad knee that always gives me trouble anyway, but it's been worse than usual and both knees are doing it now. That bad one will probably keep giving me trouble even after my hormone levels return to normal, but at least it will be like before and not like it is now.

Well, enough griping. Hope everyone had a decent Thanksgiving. Mine was fine. Spent 2 days eating with both sides of the fam since parents aren't together anymore. But it was good. R, C, and E couldn't make it and probably won't be over for Christmas either, but I didn't really think they would since they came earlier and I doubt they have the money to come again. Still, I enjoyed the holiday as much as I can when I'm depressed and my grandmother is too and starts crying that we're not all together and she doesn't know when she's going to die (she's been saying this for 30 years and you'd think her death was imminent the way she's always talking about it and making plans for her funeral, etc.). Still, she is at least planning Christmas, so that's a good sign that she's feeling okay. She still wants to go shopping this weekend, although she wouldn't go shopping with me and Dad on Friday. Apparently, she can only do it on her schedule and nothing spontaneous. But, that's Grandma! I just hope she wasn't lying to me when I asked her if her doctor said it was okay (she goes downtown and walks all around down there on foot since she can't drive and is stubbornly refusing to learn how even after all these years even though she can never get a ride from anyone). Hopefully she'll have a good time, though, since this is something she does every weekend and seems to get enjoyment out of haggling for the best deals (yes, she haggles, even at Sears, JC Penney, Macy's, etc.--the shocking thing is that it works and she gets really good deals somehow--I'd be too chicken to try it as I'm sure they think she's difficult and I have a hard enough time thinking that people are calling me a bitch to my face and behind my back). Anyway....going now.

Update...

2009-11-20T19:45:00.000-08:00

Well, I haven't been up to much. I know most of the time, I'm talking about my mental health, but I've got other conditions that bother me as well. Mainly my thyroid, but I also get nauseous and get fainting spells that cause me to miss work. The nausea doesn't sound bad, but it can get quite severe. They thought I had stomach flu one time when I was sick and it keeps recurring, so it can't be stomach flu. But I miss so much work that my employers don't like it and I almost got fired from my last job. Finally, I just quit. I guess I'd rather quit than get fired, but I know I'd just continue to get sick and the job wasn't helping my mental state either. It was a very high-stress office. But anyway, I got sick again recently, for about 4 1/2 days. Usually these nausea episodes don't last QUITE that long, usually only a day or two. But this time I was so sick I could hardly get out of bed. And before anyone says anything, I've had loads of tests done to find out what could be causing this, and nothing ever turns up. Is it just anxiety? Surely then, I'd be having fewer episodes then, when my stress level is lower, like now. Nothing much going on my life right now except happy stuff. My sister visited and I had a good time with her, although she was only here for a weekend. But it was great, and we even visited my grandmother, who'd had a mild heart attack, but was doing well. It was good to see her feeling so well and she was laughing (?!) and telling jokes . We also got some information from her regarding our family tree project for my nephew. My grandmother is obviously doing very well, so I'm not worried about her. Her doctor says she's doing great and the medication is working for her. If I was going to get sick, I'd think I'd get sick when I heard about her heart attack a while back, but I didn't. Anyway, later, I'd been painting, and actually, despite the attempt to paint my dog, that I've posted here, I've been getting a good response to my paintings and I've had my little sis commission two more from me. Hopefully, that will lead to more opportunities as she's got a good social life and lots of friends. I've enjoyed the work on top of that, and I'm getting more used to how the acrylic paints behave as opposed to oils. They're very different and I'm having to adjust my style considerably (which is why the examples I've posted looks so weird. Oils are very forgiving and you can make corrections easily. Not so with acrylics; they're too transparent for big mistakes). I've figured out how to do this almost color-block teqnique that seems to work okay, althlough I think I still need some practice getting the stylization level to what will work for me. But I feel that painting lets of some stress when I do have a little. It helps me deal with things that are going on, like when family members don't seem to understand my illnesses and all that comes with them. Most of them are trying to, though, so it doesn't happen often, which is the great thing about my family.

The only thing that happened recently that was not good was that I had my thyroid tested and my TSH, which is supposed to be around 1, was at almost 8. I can't even say how bad that is. Well, I'm sort of a miracle anyway because when I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism, my TSH was 877. No, that is NOT a typo. A lot of labs don't test for levels that high because it's not usually medically possible for them to get that high. You'd die long before. But I have the test results to prove it, and was retested just to be sure. The second test confirmed the first test. Weird, I know. Have no idea how I was okay and walking around and functioning with levels that high, but I'm okay, obviously. Anyway, so now my doctor raised the dose of my Levoxyl (didn't take well to Synthroid for some reason). I need to get re-tested in 60 days and maybe raise the dose again. He doesn't want to raise it too fast because there's a risk of heart palpitations. Ugh. I don't want that for sure. I'm already in a few risk groups for heart disease (diabetes, too--yikes). The bad part about my thyroid levels being off (and this should have been a clue that something was wrong, but I always assume I did something wrong myself before I think it might be medical) is that I gained almost 20 pounds. It's not that I care if I'm fat for looks or anything, although I can't say I like the way I look fat, but the main reason is, of course, that I don't want diabetes. It scares the heck out of me. I've got a friend with it, and my b-i-l's aunt had it. I don't want it. Plus, that isn't good for your heart or anything else, for that matter. So, I've got to diet and exercise, which is hard for me. Especially the exercise, although I know it's super-important if you're bipolar to get cardiovascular exercise. The problem is that cardiovascular exercise is my least-favorite kind. I prefer weight lifting or something like that. So, I've got to renew my efforts, somehow. My bedroom is always hot. It's only about 57 out right now (of course it's after 10 for it to get that cool--usually this time of year it's in the mid to upper 70s during the day), but my bedroom gets up to 87 during the day. It's down to 84 right now since it's nighttime and the sun isn't coming in. But I can't stand being hot. Long story from when I was a teenager. My mom wasn't well and was severly anemic and she had the heater in the apartment on in July when it was over 100 F out. It used to be that the heat down here in South Texas didn't bother me much. I was used to it. But after that time in my life I can't stand it. I even get rashes and such when I get too hot. I hate it. Really, I'd just go in another room to work out, but there isn't another place big enough. I don't know what to do. Work out and overheat, I guess.

Anyway, I guess that's it for now. I've got some problems with my eyesight, and will probably have to check my eyes soon. Mostly I have problems with serif fonts, which is why I always choose to type in a sans-serif font. It's much easier to read. I read a lot, too, so that's why I noticed it. I was getting words confused and transposing letter sometimes and even not being able to make out certain letters at all. They just looked like strange symbols to me. I'm not sure why they're not clear. I don't know if it's fatigue (in which case, it wouldn't be bothering me as much as it is because it seems to do it all the time not just later in the day). I don't know if it's just too dim in here. But the computer is just as hard to read sometimes, so I don't think that's the case either. It could just be a part of normal aging. I almost 40 now. I don't know. It just seems like everything happens at once moneywise. Hopefully I can find a place that can do it that isn't too expensive and save up for the upcoming blood test. Still, I have time, so I'm not too worried. Anyway, hope everyone out there is doing well. Have a good Thanksgiving for you Americans out there. I'm going to be at little sis' with Dad. Should be good. : )

Sometimes you just need to paint your dog...

2009-10-22T19:35:00.001-07:00

New Artwork

2009-10-13T09:58:00.000-07:00

These are based on the automatic thoughts that come into my head when I'm depressed.

When people criticize me, this is how I feel...

Touchy?

2009-10-08T10:51:00.000-07:00

Am I just a little down on myself or something? Sometimes I wonder if I just IMAGINE slights that people give me. Am I just so sure that someone is going to say something offensive that I make something offensive out of nothing? Why is it that I feel I'm being treated so unfairly and even rudely be everyone else? Is it all in my head? Am I really a bitch like everyone says? Really? Is it me? I do feel like people think it's funny to make fun of me, and I try to go along with it and not take it to heart, but it does hurt. Sometimes the jokes can go a little too far and people don't even realize they've hurt my feelings at all. Am I just being ignored? Do people just use me as a tool for their amusement and then not care about me at all?

Nightmares and Anxiety

2009-09-24T15:40:00.000-07:00

Big problem with me is anxiety. I know my dad was diagnosed with OCD when I was a kid, but he probably had some other problems that were never diagnosed. I know my therapist thought I had social anxiety disorder (I'd buy that. I didn't talk to anyone except my parents and my twin sister until I was 7 years old). But I know I've got other anxiety problems as well. I probably have some symptoms of OCD, although I don't do the usual ritualistic behaviors that my dad does. I just have general anxiety and obsessive thoughts associated with it. When I first started on anti-depressants, it helped a lot. I started being able to do things I'd never been able to do before, like sleep with a door cracked open or with my feet uncovered. I could talk to people I didn't already know. It was nice. But it seems like my anxiety symptoms are coming back. Actually, even on anti-depressants, I was still shy, just not cripplingly shy like before. But lately, I'm back to checking the doors to make sure they're all closed and covering my feet, etc. It bugs me that my closet in this apartment doesn't have a door, so there's this big black yawning space staring at me all night and it freaks me out sometimes. I have to sleep with the TV on (it lights up the room, but is dimmer than having the lamp on, so I'm still able to "sleep").

Sometimes my anxiety level gets so high, that I'll get nauseous and start throwing up over and over again and I can't stop (which is why I have promethazine tablets in my house). I'll start having tremors (probably tardive diskenesia ). I once became so short of breath that I thought I was having an asthma attack, but it turned out to be that there was no medical reason for it, so they blamed it on anxiety. I started having panic attacks shortly before my last trip to LA (no scarlet fever this time, yea!). I really did believe I would die if I got on that plane. Really, there was no doubt in my mind that it would happen. The only bright side I can see to that is that at least it was unappealing to me to die. So, the only thing I can think is that this must be somehow related to the bipolar disorder somehow, because my anxiety symptoms seemed to get worse as I got more depressed. However, on the Lamictal, I feel like I'm already not as depressed. But my anxiety has yet to get any better. I've been having nightmares every night for the past week. It's always something bad happening to a loved one. Last night, it was that my mother died and had probably been murdered. I woke up devastated and couldn't get back to sleep in my grief. I just couldn't believe it was just a dream. I was so relieved when I heard her wake up and walk her dog. I just dread what I'll dream tonight, if I can even get to sleep at all. Since I haven't been sleeping well, I've been groggy and unable to get anything done (well, less than usual anyway). I did, however, make an attempt to vacuum my bedroom, because they were "inspecting" our apartments the next day, only to find out that the vacuum is broken. Ugh. So, nothing has worked out lately.

My mom and I were going to go out to eat today (spending money neither of us actually had--but it's been months since we actually went out to eat that we felt like splurging--and it's finally gotten down below 100F). I had won a $50 gift card for this local wine bar. Neither of us really enjoy wine, but it's also a restaurant and somewhat reasonably-priced at lunchtime. So we've eaten there a couple of times. I still had $5 left on the card, so we'd have gotten a discount if we ate there today. We get to the restaurant, and I pull on the handle only to find the restaurant locked. They were totally closed and have discontinued lunch service altogether. Well, the place is too expensive at dinner, so I guess that's it. Goodbye, $5. We thought we'd see a movie then, but nothing was showing at the decent theaters that we really wanted to spend that much money on (already saw "District 9" a while back--it's really awesome, for those of you who haven't seen it). So that didn't work out either. I mean, we never do anything together and we so rarely go out that it was really disappointing. I did manage to pick up a "birthday cake" for my baby, but it took all my spending money for the week (no, the cake was not that expensive--I just really have that little spending money). I guess maybe it was good that we didn't see the movie or I'd have ended up putting it on my credit card (yet another bipolar topic altogether--already have one bankruptcy and don't want another). Anyway, it's just really hard to de-stress and relax when things have been the way they are. I know I should exercise, but it's 85-87F in my bedroom. It's just too hot to do it in there. Luckily, today it's only 81F since it's only 75F outside. I'd go hiking in a local park, except that it's also raining. Normally, that would make me feel bummed out, but we've been in a drought and we needed that rain sooooo badly. We've lucked out this summer in that there weren't any wildfires even though it was the hottest and dryest summer on record. But, it's not like I want to go traipsing around in mud, so no hiking. There's no mall near us. I just don't know what to do. I just feel like I never get to do anything fun and I'm always doing what everyone else wants me to do instead of what I want to do. I never get to make my own decisions it feels like. Well, I do have a bankruptcy, so maybe I can see why no one trusts me with money. Ugh. I just don't know what to do. I miss shopping. : (

Can't Sleep!

2009-09-21T02:42:00.000-07:00

Well, another night when I sleep weird. I got to sleep fine with melatonin, although I had to take 2 3mg pills since one won't do the trick. Then I have to take a Xanax even though I hate doing it. But nighttime is the time I'm most anxious and stressed out for some reason. Still, I slept fine at first, then I wake up (as usual) and can't get back to sleep. I woke up just before 3 and it's now almost 5am. Sucks because I don't get enough sleep as it is, and that's supposed to help my recovery. It's also good to wake up at the same time every day, but like that's going to happen when I've only gotten 4 hours of sleep. Then I'm groggy all day. I guess I should say that I have bipolar II, so I don't have the kind of mania where I can get by on less sleep, or when I'm euphoric and happy. I tend to be irritable and impatient with people and my racing thoughts keep me awake, along with anxiety. I should at least say that on the Lamictal I haven't been as depressed, and even when I'm manic it doesn't seem to be as bad as before. Still, I'd like it if I could get a decent night of sleep. Well, when I'm depressed I can hardly stay awake and that's not good either. I just want my sleep cycle to normalize and I can get on with my day without feeling wiped out and exhausted. Plus, I'm having difficulty motivating myself to do normal things. Like, sometimes I can't make myself brush my teeth or take a shower. I haven't vacuumed since we moved into the new place, which hasn't been that long really, but long enough that I need to vacuum pretty badly. So, I don't know if I'm having a mixed episode and not just complete mania or depression. Then again, all the drugs they give me cause fatigue, so I don't know how I'm ever supposed to have any energy. Ugh.

Noisy new place...

2009-09-14T11:30:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a while since I was blogging. For one thing, I got extremely depressed and did not want to have anything to do with anybody or anything. I'm still not working. My disability case is still being worked on, but I got a lawyer this time. Been denied twice so far. Now it's down to a hearing sometime in the future (really, couldn't this be speeded up somehow?). I hope I'll hear about it enough in advance to prepare. It's been months since this whole thing started. Really, with me being suicidal and not being able to afford treatment, that's not good that I have to wait that long. Even so, I know that there is medical care available with the disability payments. It's just that it's cost-prohibitive. I doubt it helps at all, because I'd be paying for the plan, plus deductibles and co-payments. When you add all that up, it will probably be more expensive than what I'm paying now with no coverage. Gosh our medical system sucks. And no, I haven't seen "Sicko". I hear it's good, but I'm afraid it will just make me more pissed at the government than I already am. Yes, I'm jaded. I admit it.

Anyway, in other news, we've moved. Could no longer afford the old apartment and had to move into one that is $200 a month cheaper. So, nowhere near as nice, not that we could afford anything really nice the first time. The neighbors are noisy and the apartment management (who put it in the lease that loud noise was unacceptable) do nothing at all. Actually, they don't do much about anything else unless you badger them several times. My drain was stopped up for weeks! So, although my room is bigger and there's actually a walk-in closet for all my art supplies (well, some are stored at Grandma's--even the walk-in closet wasn't big enough for ALL of it), I still feel bummed and irritable because it's never just quiet. I need quiet sometimes. I just can't relax with noise going on all the time. I'm not sleeping well. It's certainly not helping my mood or my depression.

Still, on the Lamictal, I'm doing somewhat better. We're up to 75 mg a day now. I've only been on the new dose for a couple of days, though. On 50 mg, I was still having episodes, although they didn't seem quite as severe (still bad enough, though). I'm still taking Trileptal, although I don't see the point. I guess my doctor was afraid to take me off of it without the Lamictal being up to theraputic levels yet. But really, if the Trileptal had worked I wouldn't be needing the Lamictal. My anxiety has gotten worse. I had panic attacks and went back up to 100 mg of Zoloft, although I know it could make the manic episodes come back. I just couldn't stand the panic attacks. Hopefully this will all get straightened out at some point. I know my doctor doesn't want me on too many medications and will take me off the Trileptal and Zoloft when I'm feeling better. Hopefully that won't be too much longer. I'm really sick of this.

Anyway, I guess I just had to vent a little. Not much going on except medical stuff most of the time. I was volunteering at this artist-in-residence program/art gallery here in town. However, they said they didn't need me this coming semester. I'm really sorry about that because I enjoyed it, even though all I could manage was 10 hours a week (and was sick for 4 days in the 2 months I was there). At least since I was a volunteer I didn't get fired. I will finish the neon pieces that need to be done, but after that I don't know. I let them know I'm interested in working there permanently, although it will have to be part-time, of course.

Well, I guess that's all for now. Hope everyone out there is feeling okay and not as depressed as I am.

US Health Care

2009-01-16T16:15:00.000-08:00

Okay, I've just got to vent here. I'm pissed. The generic of Lamictal is $92 at my local pharmacy. I am not working anymore and not eligible for unemployment. I'm going to be applying for disability, but not likely to be approved, and anyway it's only a pittance and not enough to live on. There's no way I could get assistance with my medications except a line of credit which has to be paid in full at the end of every month. Well, if I had the money every month for the prescriptions, I wouldn't need their help, now, would I? I have trouble holding down a job with bipolar disorder. I get stressed and then I get extremely depressed and suicidal after only a few months. On top of all this trouble I've been having, I just found out how much my prescription costs in Canada. It's $59 for 100 pills, not the 30 pills I got over here. That's a little over a 3 month supply, and it's almost half of what I paid here. It's the exact same prescription! This is ridiculous! And if I were Canadian, I wouldn't have to pay for it at all!!!! Why is it that America is supposed to be the best country in the world, and we don't have national health care. Why are people so afraid of that? Why? It's completely irrational. Are they thinking they'll never get sick? Are they thinking that it's okay for people to rack up thousands of dollards in debt to pay medical expenses and end up declaring bankruptcy? That's OKAY to these people. I think it's wrong and shameful that our country allows that to happen. We're supposed to be the best country in the world, aren't we? Aren't we supposed to be the shining example of democracy that everyone else wants to follow our example? Aren't we? My friend L in Australia has schizophrenia. She gets her medical expenses paid by the state. She gets set up in an apartment of her own (which she couldn't do without their help--they have medical personel on staff to help, then she gets set up in a regular apartment after that). She gets regular doctor appointments. She gets disability payments every 2 weeks. AND she's allowed to work while this happens. That would NEVER happen in the United States, because apparently we think that mental illness is not important enough or life-threatening enough (if you're mentally ill, you KNOW that's not true) or else that it's not a real illness and it's all the ill person's fault. In England, where S lives, they have national health care and she doesn't have to pay for her diabetes treatments, even though she has severe complications. She gets disability as well. On top of that, their income tax is higher than ours and they have a separate tax for health care, although it's cheaper than insurance payments for us Americans. It all takes about 40% of her husband's income. BUT, they still afford go on regular overseas trips and they get 5 weeks of vacation a year, if not more. They have GUARRANTEED vacation--4 weeks minimum BY LAW. America doesn't even require ANY vacation time. WHY NOT? You're lucky if you get even 2 weeks (which won't happen unless you've been at an employer for several years, usually). That's just crazy. We complain so much about how high our taxes are. They're not even that high. They're among the lowest and that's because we have this stupid capitalist system that says we should pay for everything ourselves and screw you if you're poor or ill. So I just feel like Americans get screwed by the government and we're just supposed to accept the propaganda that our country is so great and we're better off than everyone else. Bullshit. Our country should do more for us. They really could do better. If I could afford to move to Canada I would. Sorry US. Love the country. Hate the government. And I swear that I'll really have a chip on my shoulder if Obama can't get us national health care, because it's about time we did have it. Or are the Republicans so rich that they don't need it and don't see any reason any one else should have a problem affording their doctors or medications? They're so out of touch and if they sabotage Obama's plan I'll hate them even more than I already do. Our country is supposed to be better than this. The government should do better and take care of our people. That's what they're supposed to do. Isn't it? Isn't that their role? They're supposed to maintain law and order, protect the nation from threats, protect the economy, and take care of those less fortunate that others. Taxes pay for that. Shouldn't we get what we pay for? If it were a product in the store, we'd have returned it because it's defective. Capitalism doesn't work. It just makes people greedy for money and they only look out for their own interests. We can't expect private coorporations to handle health care. They're not doing a good job now. Too many people fall through the cracks and it makes me very, very, very mad. I know there are people worse off than me moneywise and healthwise. My family helps the best they can, but it's not fair to them. Neither of my parents are rich, and anyway I'm 37 years old! It's not their job anymore to take care of me. And if I'm having problems I know there are people much worse off than me. This poor woman I used to work with had some weird immune disorder where her immune system was attacking all the cells in her body, including her heart and lungs. She has to have chemo frequently and she gets sick a lot. But she couldn't afford to pay her bills, so she had to leave a job she loved to take something that's not even in her field and that she hates (she's miserable and depressed now) just because the pay was better. Even then, that's not enough. She'll be paying that debt for the rest of her life because there's no cure (they don't even know what it is) and she'll need treatment forever. She might end up losing her job because of missed work. What's she supposed to do? Even if she could get disability, it probably wouldn't be as much as she's making now. How can she pay her bills? She's going to end up in bankruptcy over and over again because of the constant chemo. She racks up $15,000 of debt a day during chemo. She doesn't make that much in a month, much less in a day. And with inflation, the bills will go up higher faster than her income will. That's not fair. Why should she have to struggle like that for some illness that she had no control over? Why is it that France (a country many Americans hate) treats its people better than we do? They get a minimum of 5 weeks of vacation a year (by law), although most employers offer more than that or no one would want the job. They have a 35 hour work week. They have national health care (it even covers pre-natal care and even other costs for the mother after the birth--like someone to come take care of your house for you so you can concentrate on the baby!). Oh, I could just go on and on. I doubt anyone would change their mind on national health care because of this, but I just had to vent my frustrations. But I'm really, really, really pissed and disappointed in the US right now.

New Makeup

2008-10-28T12:11:00.000-07:00

This weekend I hung out with my dad. First, we went to lunch at our favorite Chinese place Bei Fang. Then we did some shopping. The first place I wanted to go was Ulta, since I needed makeup and I'd been researching some online. I initially wanted to try Bare Minerals, even though it's pretty expensive. Then, I read reviews where people said that it was difficult to apply, exaggerated wrinkles, and didn't last very long. Well, that's my primary complaint against mineral makeup. So then, I didn't know which liquid foundation to go to since I'd tried almost all of them, except for the more expensive ones. So I researched again and heard about this other one called Dermablend. It's supposed to be really good at covering scars, etc. The reviews sounded good, so I decided that would be what I would get. It's a little high, being that the foundation and powder were both $20. But I had a coupon for 20% off. However, I have a problem finding the correct shade and I didn't want to buy it being that it cost that much, and then what if I didn't like it? So, a woman there gave me a consultation and picked the shade for me. Really, I think the shade matches very well. Anyway, then I paid for it, since I really wanted to get my dad out of there. I know he's uncomfortable in these really girlie places like that. But then, after I paid, he showed me 2 other items in the store, like he'd been looking around. He seemed pretty excited about them, too. I mean, one was makeup, so I'm sure he just thought I'd like it. The other was a hair dryer. But I thought that was funny since I thought he was in a hurry to leave!

Anyway, my review of Dermablend:

It goes on looking very natural and is really easy to apply. I can use my fingers and it takes only a very small amount to cover my whole face. It doesn't completely cover my acne scars, but it diminishes the appearance of them, which is great. I'm sure I just need their concealer, but that's another $20. Anyway, it lasts all day and looks fresh the entire time. I mean, it looks like I'm not wearing anything at all. I love it. I'd recommend it to anyone. The setting powder is great because it's translucent. It's a white powder, but it goes on looking clear. So it doesn't change shades as my skin produces oil, like most powders do. That was my other complaint with other makeups. So even if I matched the shade of the foundation pretty well (which is hard to do since my skin is a weird color), the powder would look too dark or too light. LOVE IT!

LA

2008-10-27T13:41:00.000-07:00

Realized I didn't talk about my LA trip. Well, to be honest there wasn't much to it since little E got scarlet fever. So, for the first couple of days, we got to see a few things. Mostly we ate and went shopping. So the first day, we just walked around in Burbank and shopped at Urban Outfitters, which there isn't a location of in San Antonio. We also saw this coffee house called La Mill. That was pretty good, too. I had a Valrhona mocha. Ethan had vanilla bean ice cream that looked pretty good. We hung out with R's friend G there and then did the shopping. Then, we went back to R's apartment and ordered takeout and sat on R's roof deck. It was a nice night and there's a nice view from up there, so it was very nice and relaxing.

Day 2 we drove up the Pacific Coast Highway. We didn't go that far down it, but it was a nice view. I took a few photos when I could get a clear shot. We wanted to stop and see the beach, but there wasn't any parking being that it was a Saturday. For lunch we had Cuban sandwiches and a dessert of mango mousse.

Sunday, we went to Old Town Pasadena and went shopping. We picked up some treats for Bucky for his birthday at Three Dog Bakery. We missed S and D's call, but they called again that evening and came over for drinks. We sat on the roof again.

The next day, Ethan was sick. On top of that, S and D were in a car accident and were too shaken up to drive back to R's apartment. So that day was pretty much a bummer. Tuesday, R took E to the doctor, where he got the scarlet fever diagnosis. S and D came and picked me up and we went to eat at Porto's for Cuban sandwiches again. Then, we went and got coffee in Burbank and did a little shopping. That night, they came by and said goodbye to R and E since they were going to be leaving the next day. The rest of the time we were pretty much stuck at home since C was at work. However, R and I did go to the mall my last night there and we had these really good smoothies and did some shopping. We picked up food for later, though. So, not much. I need to go back since we didn't get to do much sightseeing. : (

Sorry!

2008-10-24T14:41:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't been on here in a while. I've been busy. Got a new job. Went to visit R in LA. Then, got scarlet fever. Yippee. So, haven't been doing this much. Been on Facebook mostly as it doesn't take as long to keep updated on there. So, I apologize should there actually be any readers out there anymore.

Lately, I guess I've been sick a lot and really worried about my health. It costs so much to go to the doctor and I really don't have enough money to go when I need to, even with the new job. I did go to the doctor with the scarlet fever, though. I mean, I guess the diagnosis was pretty scary when little E got it. I ended up getting it from him. E didn't really have a rash that we could tell, so we weren't sure. But the evening before I went to the doctor, there it came on me. It didn't really itch or anything. It just confirmed the diagnosis. So I had to take antibiotics for 10 days. Luckily, Dr. R is really good and he knows about my money situation, so he picked one that would be really cheap. In fact, with the generic, it was only $5 with this prescription plan from HEB that I'm on. Thank you, Dr. R. He also gave me a prescription for nausea, which is a common problem with me. I took it with the scarlet fever and it knocked me out, though. I wish it wasn't such a strong sedative. Then, I took it the other night when I had trouble sleeping and I still fought it off! I mean, one time a doctor prescribed codeine because of the insomnia, and it still didn't help. I can fight off just about anything when I can't sleep. Anyway, so I know that if I have one of these severe attacks of nausea, I'll at least have the prescription and not have to rush off to the emergency clinic. That'll help money-wise.

Still, I know there's something else wrong. I don't know if it could be one of my prescriptions or not. I mean, I kind-of remember having this whole thing start with the thyroid thing, and not so much with the start of my psychiatric treatment. So, I really don't think it's the meds. But I have this problem with fainting spells. I just get really faint for about a half hour to an hour and then it goes away. It usually comes up in the morning or evening and not so much in the afternoons for some reason. But I still worry that it will happen while I'm driving or something. Or else I'll end up getting hurt and end up going to the ER. THAT would suck. Once I passed out outside and banged my head on the concrete. Somehow I hurt my hand, too, as I had a death grip on the stair railing. Luckily that wasn't too severe, but you never know when it'll happen. I'd really feel better if I could get a job with insurance. The one I have now doesn't. However, it's a small company and I know they really can't afford that.

I did get to act in one commercial, though. I was just an extra, so I was just in the background of the first one. Well, it was more than one commercial for the same company and they filmed them all the same day. So I was in a few commercials. It was a local thing, to extend term limits for city council members, who currently can only serve 2 2-year terms. The premise of the commercials was that it wasn't enough time to get anything done. I didn't really care either way, but it was $100 for a day. I know I don't get paid $100 a day where I work. So, cool. I showed up in the morning, and I was really early because traffic was surprisingly light, even though it was just before rush hour. So they let me grab coffee and breakfast from the crew trailer. I didn't sleep very well the night before and I was exhausted. Then, the other actors started arriving and they made an area for us in the waiting area of the restaurant for us to gather and fill out paperwork. Basically signing in that we were there and giving contact information (the agency's contact information, in other words). Then, some of us were chosen to go into the restaurant and sit down. I was chosen, but they wanted me to change my shirt to better go with the other 2 people at my table. They wanted us to look business-casual like we were at a business lunch.

Then, they brought out food! It was a Mexican restaurant, and the brought out a nice plate of cheese enchiladas for me, along with rice and beans. It was really good. They encouraged us to eat the food. They took our drink orders (more coffee for me). Then, a "waitress" kept coming to our table during filming to refill our cups. Cool! So I probably drank about 5 cups of coffee. My stomach was NOT happy with me, but I was afraid I wouldn't be able to drive othewise. We were the background and the main action was at the table next to mine. Those were the speaking parts. So, since they were speaking, we couldn't speak or we'd have been too loud. So we were supposed to mouth our conversation. We felt pretty silly, but we were still able to converse with each other. So it was fun.

Then, they filmed another scene in the restaurant and they picked me and 3 other people from the first shoot to do it. I guess we had the right "look". Have no idea what that was, but...cool. I sat with this other guy and we chatted for a while as well. We didn't really mouth our conversation, though. We sort-of whispered, but no one said anything. Actually, I forgot to mention that in the first scene, the "host" came over to our table at the end of the scene. I MAY have ended up in that shot. I don't know. I haven't seen the commercial. I was probably in the background anyway, but I may have gotten a closer-up shot at the end!

Anyway, after we filmed the second restaurant scene, we got a break. I went to Da Vinci Gelato for an hour and got even more coffee! Then, we met at this studio for the second set of commercials. In this one, we had to be in business clothes. So I changed into my pumps, which were horribly uncomfortable. It was lunch by then. They bought food for us and there were sandwiches and pizza for everyone. More people were at this one that the last one. We went into the studio and it was painted completely white, with only a revolving door at the center of it. We were supposed to walk through the door over and over again. My feet hurt soooo badly. But they made all kinds of jokes with us, saying we were the best walkers they'd had all day, etc., etc. It was so much fun. They went down the line and gave us numbers, like picked the order we were going to walk through the door and gave us numbers so we could get back in line again later. I ended up being number 6. So naturally, I made some stupid Prisoner reference. No one got it, of course. Really, I didn't think it was that obscure. They even replayed the whole thing on Sci-Fi a few years ago and AMC is making a series based on it as well. Anyway, I enjoyed it. We got out by 4:00. Not bad for $100. Of course, I had to go to work afterwards, but I was okay to drive by then. I guess the caffeine had worn off, but I'd been awake for long enough at that point.

I wouldn't mind doing another one, but I need headshots for that. I did have those headshots done a while back--the free ones---but they haven't come in yet. The photographer has had all sorts of problems and apologizes. He knows it's been way too long. But he says they're coming "soon", whatever that means. I've pretty much given up on them and think I should re-shoot. I hate to spend the money on them, but if I want to do any more of these commercials and TV and stuff I need them. I don't know. Should I? I mean, you only live once, right?

The other thing is that Mom and I got tickets to see Duran Duran at the Majestic Theatre! Yea! I'm so excited. I haven't been to a concert in a long time, and I haven't been to that venue in ages, either. I've always loved that venue. My first concert ever was at that venue. I wish I could have seen Tim Finn in Austin, but hey. You can't have everything. Tickets just cost so much these days and it's not like I have money to spend on stuff like that. I mean, my trip to LA was "bought" by C's mom with her airline miles. I didn't even buy that. Another reason I'm concerned about getting headshots. Everyone tells me I should do it, though. They say I'd be good at acting. I don't know about that, though. Acting for friends and family is different than doing it for a stranger, you know? Maybe classes would help. I don't know.

Well, I guess I'd better go for now. I'm supposed to be working, but I just don't have anything to do. I'd better TRY to look busy, though! : )

Soon...

2008-08-17T10:48:00.000-07:00

I'll start getting paid. Not soon enough for my taste, of course. But starting September 1st, I'll be getting money for all the work I'm doing. I don't know why it couldn't have been sooner as I've been doing the job all this time and not in training anymore. And especially the past couple of weeks, since everyone was in LA, there was no one to do the job but me. There were only 3 people in the office most of the time, although the 3rd person was gone for Thursday and Friday and then there were only 2 of us. I have no idea how much I'll be making or how often I'll get paid or anything. I'll probably have to wait until the CEO gets back from LA as she's going to be there until the 27th, whereas most people will be back next week.

I wanted to go to LA to visit R, but the air travel arrangements were supposed to be made by C's mom, who tends to put things off. It could be that she waits too long to do it and I won't end up going. But obviously, my twin sis R lives there, along with her family and I'd like to see them. Plus, on top of that, my friends S and D will be there visiting from England and I'd like to see them as well. I just hope the trip ends up happening. But C's mom was going to pay for it out of her air miles, and there's only a few seats the airline uses for those reward tickets, so they may be booked up already...and she wants to WAIT until the beginning of September to do it. Crazy. I wish I'd be getting paid sooner so that maybe I could pay for my own ticket, but no such luck. I'll be lucky to pay my bills as there's just not enough time to save up for a plane fare if I'm not getting paid until September and I'd planned on leaving on Sept. 26. Ugh. I hate waiting on other people to do things for me. I wish I could just do it all myself. : (

The best meal ever!!!!

2008-07-04T12:52:00.000-07:00

Really, I can't imagine any food ever tasting good ever again in comparison. I had wanted to get something flambe ever since I was a kid. I'd always seen it done in movies and on TV and always wanted to be the one with the flambe dessert. But the problem with that was that all the restaurants in town that do that are fairly expensive. So I told Dad that what I really wanted for my birthday was the dessert. We didn't even have to get food if we couldn't afford it. But Dad surprised me and got me dinner at Bohanan's. It's this steak place here in San Antonio, downtown and across from the Majestic Theatre. Dad said he'd fixed machines in the area and always smelled Bohanan's and thought it smelled really good. But it's one of the pricier restaurants in San Antonio, so we've never been there before. Well, when we first got there, they asked if we had a reservation and I have to admit that I'd wondered if we should get one, but then decided against it. I guess Dad thought the same thing. But we were there just shortly after 5:00, so it was still early. They said they had a table upstairs for us, but we had to go around a corner and up the elevator to the second floor. The guy also said something that neither Dad nor I could make out. I have no idea why. He didn't have that strong of an accent, and the accent he had a was a Hispanic one and one I've heard everywhere around town, so it's not like it's one I'm unfamiliar with. But he was talking really fast and kind-of slurring his words, like he'd given the directions so many times that he barely knew what he was saying anymore. Dad couldn't make it out either, but we understood, "elevator" and "second floor", so we walked down to the elevator and pushed the button for the second floor. When it stopped, we got out and we were in this really elegant room that looked like it was for private parties or something. There was no staff in there whatsoever, even though we walked around and snooped a little trying to find someone. But Dad thought he saw a button on the elevator that was for rear doors, so we got back on and pushed the button and sure enough, rear doors opened and there was a restaurant there! We stepped out and they asked if we had a reservation. We said no. They said it wasn't a problem, but took our last name and asked if it was a special occasion. I said no, but I must have hesitated because they didn't believe me. So I just specified that I didn't want anyone to come and sing to us or anything to embarrass us. They said they didn't do that, which was a huge relief. But they escorted us to a small table for 2, where the guy seating us sprinkled rose petals on the table. Well, I'm guessing that in addition to it being very pretty and elegant, that it's also a signal to the staff that there's a birthday as everyone would come by and say "happy birthday" to me. How they knew it was me and not Dad, I don't know! But they were very nice and gave us a couple of books that we thought were the menus. In fact, they were the wine list, which was pretty extensive. If I liked wine, I'm sure I'd be thrilled. But then this man came by who was dressed like all the waiters in Paris, with the slacks, white shirt and apron, and he wanted to take our drink order. Both of us just wanted water, so he left and brought back our drinks. Then, this guy came by in a suit that we assumed was the manager, which was really nice as we were getting a lot of personal attention. He brought by the menus and a starting course of candied jalapenos in cream cheese (way creamier and softer than any cream cheese I've ever had) with those crisp bread slices that are for bruschetta. The bread was so light and buttery that I could have eaten it by itself. It was just a bonus to have the cream cheese, which was better than any other cream cheese I've ever had. They must make it themselves as I can't imagine any store selling anything that good. Really, candied jalapenos sounded really disgusting. I mean, I'd heard of candied peppers and didn't think anything of that. I guess I just didn't think of jalapenos as a possible dessert pepper, but it was surprisingly good and we at it all way too quickly. The manager came by and asked if we wanted more, which I did, but Dad didn't want to fill up before the meal and he wanted us to save room for dessert. Really, it was so good I was thinking about it all that night as I tried to sleep and all the next day.

The manager then came by and told us about the daily specials, which included escargot, which he said was so good that even people who don't like escargot will like theirs. Some of it sounded really good and I wouldn't have minded trying it, but I was set on getting something small, like soup, so that I'd have room for dessert. Then, the guy came back later with a tray full of steaks, when he described their "premium" steaks that aren't available all the time. Well, I thought they sounded fantastic, but the cheaper ones were $79, whereas the better ones were $95. I'm sure they're wonderful, but the cheaper steaks were $35 and I thought that was high enough. At that, though, Dad thought the steaks on the menu were cheaper than he expected and he wanted to get a steak. Well, they're famous for their steaks. How could we pass that up? So we both decided on steak. I felt I needed to let Dad know that you had to buy the side dishes separately, to which he seemed to understand, until he asked me what came with the steak, when I had to tell him that nothing came with them. You ordered the side dishes separately. Oh. The side dishes all sounded great, but none of them were anything intimidating. In fact, it was all basically fancified versions of "comfort food". By then, we had decided what we wanted and the manager came back, by which time we realized that he wasn't the manager, but our waiter. He was just wearing a really nice suit, so we assumed he was a manager, but all the waitstaff were dressed the same, somehow elegantly carrying those huge serving trays in one hand above the tables, even the women who had to do it all in high heels. The restaurant itself was beautiful, too. We were very impressed by them.

Anyway, as we waited for our steaks, they also brought by a small basket of 3 different types of bread along with a dish of the creamiest and lightest butter I've ever had. It was amazing. Of course, we chatted for a while before our steaks came. That took a while as it's a nice restaurant and they take their time to prepare the food. When the steaks arrived, we realized there was no salt or pepper on the table, and I didn't want to ask for it, afraid that was just something that people there just didn't do. So I tasted the steak and found it to be somehow perfectly seasoned and amazingly good. It needed nothing at all. I've had some really good steaks before, too, especially in Paris. In fact, when I got back from Paris, I didn't like the steaks in America as no one seemed to prepare them properly. But this one was the best steak I'd ever eaten. It was perfectly juicy and cooked perfectly all the way through, no dry spots or anything. Really, if their cheap steaks were that good, I can't imagine how the $95 ones must taste. The side dishes were amazing, too. We got potatoes au gratin, which was mine and Dad's favorite. Also, the waiter recommended the mac and cheese, which was really good. I'm not sure what kinds of cheeses were in there, but I'm sure there were some good French cheeses in there somewhere. It was really good. AND, the steaks were humongous. The side dishes were very filling and very rich. It was just wonderful.

Of course, the highlight of the meal had to be the dessert. I wanted cherries jubilee. I mean, I've always loved cherries. I wanted a dessert with cherries. It took a while to set up, but the waiter came out with a cart that had a burner on it. He had all the ingredients set to the side in little dishes, that he added to the saute pan one at a time. First, it was butter, which he melted. Then, it was a little brown sugar. Then, he squeezed what looked like lemon juice into it. He drained the cherries, which had been marinating, and poured them in. There were 2 liquids that he poured into one container before adding to the pan. Then he stirred it and dipped the pan and it caught fire. It was a pretty big fire and very flashy. He calmly stirred it, which I'd have been afraid to do as I'd be afraid I'd burn myself. He said, "The bananas touch the ceiling. Scared me the first time I did it!". Well, those were pretty high ceilings, too. Can't imagine that. Then, he stirred it until the fire went out, then spooned it over a couple of small scoops of ice cream. He gave us 2 spoons so we could share. I mean, the ice cream itself was just plain vanilla, but was the best ice cream I've ever had. I mean, it blows everything else out of the water. No comparison at all. I could have had that all by itself. But with the cherries, it was just heavenly. Dad and I were there trying to spoon all the melted ice cream out of the bottom of the dish when we were done. All in all, it was the best meal I've ever had by far. I never imagined there could be food that good ever, even though I've had some pretty good food living here in San Antonio and also in my travels. I never knew what I was missing. Nothing can ever taste that good ever again I don't imagine. I can only hope I can go there again and try some of their other food as everything sounded fantastic. They even had "Valrhona chocolate cake". I'm sure I spelled that wrong, but I'd love to try it sometime. All in all, it was just a perfect evening. It was so relaxed as they served it all out in courses, so we could take our time. They were very friendly and not snooty at all. They made it very easy and fun to be there. The service was the best. I think every time I even took 2 sips of water it was refilled. All in all, it's a really great place to celebrate a special occasion as they do their best to make it as memorable as possible. I'd go again in a heartbeat.

A JOB!!!

2008-06-12T20:59:00.000-07:00

I'm not getting paid yet. Of course, it's a small company and I was an intern. So I've got to be trained for the position, but that shouldn't take more than a couple of months, maybe less. But they offered me the position of intake coordinator, which means I'd be in charge of bringing in new talent. It also means, I'd be supervising a couple of interns. It shouldn't be anything I can't do as I've already done some of the work that the current intake coordinator delegated to me when I first started there. But she's mainly been wanting to do more marketing type stuff and hadn't been able to because she was having to do all the intake stuff. Now she'll be able to concentrate on what she really wanted to do and I'd get a permanent position. They also hired this other girl who I was really afraid of as she's really smart and she'd been there longer than me. But they offered her a different position. I think she's a very capable person, though, and I'm sure it's about time she was hired. Anyway, I'm so relieved to have a job offer and I can't wait to start getting paid. I'll start the training on Monday, so I have time to finish what I'm doing if I can. Plus, the training is only going to be a few hours every day and not all day. So I can still work on the Access stuff. However, I've already been given the okay to delegate some of my work to other interns, which I've done some of. It helps a lot, as I'd rather be training than what I'm doing now. I really don't mind it, but I don't want to do the same thing all day. I'm happier when there's more variety. So this will be good. My strategy at this point is to learn everything as fast as I can so that I can take over the position and start getting paid. : )

Hope I get a job soon...

2008-06-05T21:11:00.000-07:00

Things are going well at the internship. So far, I've almost finished putting all the info on all of the talent into the computer. Plus, they've given me new duties here and there, and the boss keeps coming up with new projects for me. So I'm hoping that means I'm fairly valuable and they'll want to hire me. No formal offer yet, but I don't want to be pushy at all. I knew going in that this was an unpaid internship. But I can't help but be a little impatient once I heard they might hire me. Please, let it be soon. There might be some photography in it for me, but I don't have a camera, so I'll have to get one. But I don't want to get one if I can't make payments on it, you know? Need a paying job first before I can do anything like that. Hopefully that's some incentive for them, but we'll see. I didn't bring it up and didn't want to this early. Maybe when I've been there a little longer I can mention it and let them know I won't wait around forever. I think they're all well aware, anyway, that what I really want is a job and not just an internship. I don't think I need to say it every chance I get like Dad seems to want me to do. I don't want to ruin my chances by annoying them or pissing them off.

Got on Facebook recently, too. Don't know why, but I'd signed up for it a while back, but never really used it. But everyone else started using it and I guess I can see how it might be nice to keep in touch with people. I'm not 100% sure on how it's any better than e-mail, but hey. One thing is that my cousin in Georgia who I haven't talked to in ages added me to her friends list and I'm so glad to be in touch with her. I hope we can actually talk at some point, too.

Anyway, I guess I'd better get some sleep. Don't get off work until 7:30, but can't stay up too late anymore. Don't know why. Maybe it's just me getting older. Got a birthday coming up, too. I'm going to try to find a way to make it fun if I can. : )

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

2008-05-24T19:11:00.000-07:00

No way does this ever happen to me! But I won something else in a sweepstakes. Not a little prize either. I usually win something worth about $10, although I've won some good ones here and there. This time, I won an iPod!!!! Kick-ass!! I'd been wanting one, but I figured it would be forever before I could actually afford one. AND it's really cool. It's the new iPod Touch, with the touch screen thing that's kind-of like an iPhone. Not the little 8GB one either. The 32GB one. Well, BIL C's is 60GB, I think, but it's the old one. Still, I'm so happy I won one. Finally, I'm not the only person in the world who doesn't have one, but one of the many who have one. R's getting an iPhone, so I don't have to feel bad for her. I mean, I'd get one if I could. It's cool. But no way could I afford it or the plan, so good for her that she can. I'll just have to take what I can get.

I'm working at this talent agency as an intern, but they hinted that they may want to offer me a permanent position. I just hope it's soon. I could SOOOO use the money right now. The gas alone is horrible. I filled up today. It was $50!!! That wasn't even a full tank of gas, either. I had a quarter of a tank left. And for those of you who don't know, I don't drive a big old SUV. It's just a sedan. And I thought it was a V6, but I was mistaken. Mine's the model just under the V6 model. It drives like a V6, though, in my opinion. But anyway. That's about a half hour of driving each way, no traffic. If there was traffic, it would probably take a little over an hour to get to work every day, but my day doesn't start until 10:30 and we don't get out until 7:30, so I miss the traffic. The missing traffic part is cool, but I don't get to go to as many meetups as I'd like since most of them start an hour before I'd get there and they'd end about an hour after I'd get there. So I don't want to drive half way across town for some thing that I'd only be there an hour for. I wish I could work out my hours to be a little earlier, but we'll see. At this point, if they'd just hire me, I'd be happy. I'm tired of working for free.

For now, I'm just transferring their Word files into Access to make them searchable. Hopefully I can come up with something else indispensable to them so that they'll want to keep me. I'm reading a book on Quickbooks, so maybe that will help. The only problem is that they're interviewing people who are applying for jobs (not the internships), and I'm afraid there will be someone more qualified than me that will come along and take my place. Wish me luck!

You can't have everything...

2008-05-17T17:54:00.000-07:00

At this point, I'll take what I can get. Surprisingly, I had an interview for an internship at a talent agency here in town, and they hired me on the spot. The bad part is that it isn't paid. : ( Really, I wouldn't have expected it, but I can only hope they love me and want to hire me on permanently. I start on Monday. So, the good part is that someone wants me to work for them. At least going into this one I'm not being lied to about pay.

Dad bought a new car on Monday. So far, he loves it. It had keyless entry, which is a feature he never thought he needed. He's come to think, "How did I ever get by without it?" Not to mention that it will go almost 100,000 miles before it's first tuneup, and the timing chain is supposed to last the life of the car and never needs replacing. Cool. Low maintenance. Good for him. He loves it. The only thing is that the cigarette lighter outlet thingie is too far back for his taste. He wants it up near the dash like mine. Again, no car would be absolutely perfect, but he's not complaining. So far, it's not like things have been perfect and it's rare when something goes exactly like you wanted. That's just life, you know?

Then, we were looking into the price of synthetic oil (I mean, reduce our oil consumption as much as possible, and it's supposed to be better for the car--he's wanting his to last as long as it possibly can). It really isn't that much more if we get the Walmart brand. So Dad was happy about that. AND he'd bought oil filters for his old car that he didn't end up using. So he was thinking he'd trade them at the store for the ones for the new car. Turns out, the new car uses the same oil filter! Another thing Dad was happy about. He changes his own oil, of course. Then, we looked into the price of an oil change with synthetic oil there at Walmart for my car. It's $50!!! The lady was saying it was because of the oil, but really the price difference in the oil is only about $5 for 5 quarts. At most, that should make the oil change at Walmart about $25. But they also check your fluids, too. Like really, that costs $25 more dollars to look under the hood and check the translucent containers to see if they're full. I could do that myself. So Dad thinks they're ripping us off and said he'd change my oil for me. Really, I'd do it myself if they'd let me at our apartment complex. Oh well.

So, today I also got a book about MS Office. I need to brush up on my Excel skills. I can't say how many tutorials I've taken on the program, and it never sticks in my head. I just have a hard time remembering formulas and stuff. Hopefully I won't need to do anything really complicated at work. I think I can handle Word okay, but it never hurts to learn more. I want to make a good impression at work, you know? Want them to think I'm indispensable. I can't imagine myself ever being indispensable, but I can try. Maybe my winning personality? Something? Personally, I think that if anyone gets to know me well enough they'd hate me, but I'm insecure. I just compliment them a lot. Maybe that'll work. : )

Everyone is pissed at me

2008-05-05T13:14:00.000-07:00

Everyone. Maybe not you, but it seems as though it's everyone. I'm sure I can do something to piss you off, too, while I'm at it. I'm not doing it on purpose. It just seems things aren't going right lately and everything I do isn't good enough for someone. So, right now, I should explain why my boss is mad at me, because really, she should know better.

She has yet to pay me. I started working for her back in March. Yes, March. I still haven't received a paycheck. RE thought this was outrageous and looked up state law regarding pay, and as it turns out, she is breaking the law. According to the Texas Workforce Commission website, an employer is required to pay an employee within a month or less. PLUS, FEDERAL law requires that an employer specify a regular pay period when hiring an employee. She never did that. So, naturally I wrote an e-mail to my boss, notifying her of these facts, and stating that I didn't want her to get in trouble and I still wanted to work with her. Well, she's being really nasty to me now, when before she'd loved me and trusted me with anything. She never had a problem with my work before. Now, she says I've misrepresented myself as a web designer. Truthfully, I NEVER told her I was a web designer. When she hired me and asked me to update a website, I told her I'd never designed a website before and I asked her to give me something easy. She gave me two sites that were already messed up and I wasn't able to fix them as I don't know enough about web design. She just gave me print stuff after that and she was fine. She said I'd learn about web design as she had another designer that would work from the office when she got the office fixed up. But now, she's pissed about the web design, and I reminded her that I'd never said I was a web designer. She said it was on my resume. No it wasn't. My resume lists the classes I took on the software, but I have no experience as a web designer and never even took classes in web design. I took a class in Dreamweaver, but that's not the same thing as knowing web design. I mean, I TOLD her I'd never designed a website! She only hears what she wants to hear, apparently. She is sort-of flighty, disorganized, and misinformed. I mean, she said she had lawyers that worked with her on contracts. Like she wants me to sign a confidentiality agreement now. She also said she has a contract that her employees sign (this is the first I've heard of any such thing) that states they get paid when a job is finished. Well, she never said that. She said I was hourly, not contract. I mean, doesn't a contract, even a verbal one, have to be clear to both parties to be valid? If I was an hourly employee, as she told me, I would expect regular paychecks based on the hours I'd worked. She never laid conditions down, like I had to finish a web site first, or anything. Besides, I have done stuff for her and I continually asked her to give me more work, but she doesn't. Still, she has to pay me for answering phones, cleaning her office, etc. I'm not a volunteer.

Ugh. I don't want to have anything to do with her anymore. I just want my paycheck and I'll be on my way. Not that there are lots of other jobs out there. There are hardly any. But I'm hoping something will come along. I can't be unemployed forever, can I? I doubt I can hope to marry some rich guy. Besides, I doubt I'd be happy if I wasn't doing something at least somewhat worthwhile.

Anyway, I did go to the atheist meetup a few days ago. It was Thursday night, actually. I got to sit by J, who is a cute reporter for a local TV network. Firstly, he came in late as he had to work, but he ended up sitting at another table as they were all full. But, as people left for the night, he made a point to come over and sit by me. I thought that was really sweet, but of course, I tried to make myself as attractive as possible, since I knew he'd be there. I wore a low-cut dress. I put my hair up to show off my tattoo on my upper back. I wore my cute "new" sandals. I did my makeup to show off my eyes. I mean, I did my best. So we did talk, although he had to get up early in the morning and didn't stay very long. : ( I wish he'd asked me out, but again, it's only the second time we've ever met. Maybe he'll come to the next meetup and I can talk to him again. The next one is at Ruta Maya Coffee. Hope he can make it to that one. I hope I didn't piss him off as I have everyone else. But, in my boss' case, aren't I the one that should be pissed? That's what I think.

Well, that's it for now. Despite my post, I'm actually in a relatively good mood today, so don't judge my mood based on what I post. O-keee?

GO SPURS GO!!!

2008-04-29T11:39:00.000-07:00

They're up 3 games to 1. Mad they lost the 1 as they could have swept the series, but they must have not wanted it bad enough that afternoon. But, I'm sure they'll win the 1st round. I doubt Phoenix can win 3 more in a row. Spurs only have to win 1 more, after all. I like the playoffs and I also hate them. Nerve-wracking, but they're exciting games to watch. Hope they do well. I think the next game is tonight, so we'll see how they do.

Today, I've got a doctor's appointment. It's mainly because it's time to have a thyroid test, but I've been having other problems as well. I've been having these gastrointestinal problems for a long time. Like maybe a year and a half or so. It started out as just periodic nausea. Then, the nausea became acute and I began throwing up. It would be so bad I'd need a prescription medication to stop it. It's progressed now to where I also have diarrhea in addition to the nausea. Again, it's periodic, so I'll be fine for a while, then suddenly it'll hit me and knock me out for a couple of days. Then, I'm okay again. It's really annoying and it's impacting my life as it can be so severe, so I'm hoping there's something he can do about it. The other thing is that I don't think I'm doing as well on Synthroid as I was on Levoxyl. I have drier skin, etc., etc., all the hypothyroid symptoms, even though my hormone levels have been testing normal. Plus, I've been having fainting spells. It feels like it does when my blood pressure drops suddenly, so I'm thinking I keep having unsafe low blood pressure that causes me to become light-headed and then faint. Not good. I don't know if that's related to the thyroid thing or not, so I've got to tell the doctor about it.

Not much going on lately besides that. I have a psychiatrist appointment next week, where I will discuss those sorts of issues such as my stress level and how absent-minded I've been. Don't know if the nausea might relate to my meds or not, but it seems like it's not related as I haven't had any med changes in a very long time, like much more than a year and a half ago. So the timing is off there for me to think it's related. But I can mention it if my other doctor can't find anything else wrong with me. Or maybe that appointment is at the end of this week. Now I can't remember. I have it written down on my calendar. I just haven't looked at it recently. I need to check before I go off anywhere today.

Got to go to the library today, too. The two books I'd requested are there waiting and I thought I'd look for this other book that I read about. I think they have it there, so I'll just see if it's not checked out. Been reading a lot since there aren't that many jobs out there to sift through. It doesn't take me as long as it used to to get through them all. Sucks, but what can I do? Just keep looking. Well, I guess I'd better go. Sorry my posts have been relatively depressing lately. Hopefully that'll change after my psychiatrist appointment, though. Hopefully I'll be more optimistic.

DUH!

2008-04-24T14:28:00.000-07:00

Didn't doubt it for a minute, but the guy was telling me the check would clear. I didn't think so, but he kept saying it would, and even gave me his contact information so that I could return the "money". Yeah, right. So, I didn't expect to have to wire him the money or mail him a money order or whatever. But today, it's official. The check did not clear. I called the bank to double-check. So now I'm in a negative balance on my bank account. I did get the camera, so I can return that now and get the money back. I hate to do it, but I'll have to make some sort of arrangement later. My mom had a plan, so I'll go along with whatever she suggested. I'll get the camera eventually. Hopefully the jobs will follow. But hopefully the money will get credited to my account before the bank has to close the account.

The other "duh" thing is that I had gotten a couple of interviews and I went to Walmart today to pick up some thank you cards so that I could send some out as I'd run out of the old ones. I write them out today and I stick them in the outgoing slot in our mail center. Suddenly, it strikes me that I didn't stamp them. DUH! I'd meant to take them to the post office as I ran out of stamps. Stupid. Obviously, this hasn't been my smartest month. Hopefully things will get better, but I feel pretty stupid lately. Maybe it's my medication or something. I don't know. So, now I have to wait for the cards to come back to me so that I can send them out again, STAMPED this time.

Other than that, not much going on, just the interviews. Not many, just a couple. Still, that's better than nothing. Maybe the cards will matter, but maybe not. You never know. It would look worse to NOT send them, I think. Maybe there's a new job in my future. PLEASE...

My boss took it better than I expected when I told her I was job hunting. In fact, she understood completely and offered to give me a reference. So sweet. If only she'll pay me the money she owes me, though. I think she said beginning of May, but that's a long time to wait when I'm hourly. It's been 5 weeks! That shouldn't happen. Anyway, that's it for now. Almost time to go home. : )

I'm an idiot

2008-04-18T14:54:00.000-07:00

Okay, I always prided myself as being a relatively smart person. Apparently I'm only good at pointing out when others are making mistakes. Perhaps I'm only good at things that involve studying and books, etc. I don't know. But I received a check in the mail with no note or anything in it. My natural thought is that it must be a sweepstakes win, as that happens sometimes. When you win, you just get the prize in the mail with no notice or anything. So I deposit the check, wait for the bank to tell me the balance is available, and then I buy a camera as that's what I really needed in order to help me find a job. Well, as it turns out, while my balance said "pending", it wasn't because the bank was checking to see if there were funds in the other bank account or if the check was bogus. I don't know what they were doing exactly. But they tend to make the balance available right away as a courtesy to members. Then, a couple of days later, I get an e-mail and a phone call from this guy who had been trying to set up a photography job with me and he says HE sent the check. Well, I wasn't going to take the job because he seemed kind-of shady to me. There were things about the whole thing that I didn't like. But then, I'd already used the money. Great. So I have to wait for the check to clear now, so that I can return the money to the guy (if it isn't a scam in the first place). I also have to return the camera so that I can get that part of the money back. Of course, I have to wait until I GET the camera as I'd bought it on Amazon and it's not here yet. Great. Just what I needed. More stress. I mean, if I'd known the check was from that guy (I mean it, no note, no return address, nothing in the envelope) I would have sent it right back to him immediately. I wouldn't have even deposited it or anything. Maybe I should have been a little more suspicious of the check, but money's been tight as I hadn't gotten paid yet (still haven't) and I was desperate for cash. I was also hoping to visit R, C, and little E in LA. But, I guess that's not going to happen after all. Anyway, I guess I just needed to gripe.

Tonight I'm meeting RE for coffee. He's also having a little fondue get-together on Sunday that he wanted me to come to. But he told me I could bring a date, so I guess that means he only thinks of me as a friend. I guess I wasn't sure, but it's good to know where I stand. Maybe it could still turn into something more, but at least he's not in any rush and neither am I at this point. Right now I just want to get a steady job (that will actually pay me) before I start worrying about anything else. I had an interview today at the McNay Art Museum here. It's far, as it took me 50 minutes to get there and traffic wasn't really that bad. The job is only part-time and the hours would be weird, but at least I could get paid there. It's in the gift shop as a retail sales assistant, so nothing fancy. The problem with it is that it doesn't start until June as the museum is closed right now for renovations. So I still have time to find something full-time before then.

Anyway, I guess I'll go for now. It's almost time for coffee, so I can decide what tasty Starbucks treat I should go for today. : )

Maybe I should avoid Mi Tierra

2008-04-14T10:53:00.000-07:00

I had a good time at lunch. I wish it was a little cheaper to eat there, but at least it's good. Everyone liked it and we all talked and enjoyed ourselves. Then, everyone wanted to go shopping afterward. Well, I thought it might be fun just to go with them and not buy anything. We wandered around and the group organizer took pictures. It was fun. Of course, after a while everyone was tired. In the last store I ended up buying a pendant. I really shouldn't have as I didn't really have the money, but it was this neat-o Mayan design, kind-of like a calendar. That was, incidentally, the only thing I bought. But I really shouldn't have done that. Then, everyone left except for RE, who I'd been seeing, although we haven't seen much of each other in a while. But we went back to Mi Tierra so that I could pick up some sweetbread, but they didn't have much of the Mexican stuff. Mostly donuts and the like. I was disappointed. So I didn't end up getting anything there, which was probably a good thing.

RE and I went walking around a little. We saw this little coffee house across the street, but we really weren't thinking about it being Sunday and the place was closed. So we kept walking and ended up by the Spanish Governor's Palace. I didn't realize it was that close to Market Square, so we decided to go in as the place is fairly small. It didn't take long, so we went back to Market Square and looked around at El Mercado (another building separate from the place we were that was across the street where the parking was. Anyway, after a while we got some bottled coffee and water and went to the park across that street to sit down. It was a nice little park and it was a nice day. Not too hot. We sat and talked some more and even did a little snuggling. Hope that wasn't too obnoxious, but we weren't being noisy, just hugging. After that, RE had to go as he had a bowling league game he had to go to. It was after 5:00 by then, though, so I didn't feel too bad. It was fun.

Today, I'm waiting to hear from my doctor about some Geodon samples as I can't afford to buy the prescription. But they'd been out when I called last week. I'm hoping they have some as I'm out and I don't want to get all confused and absent-minded again. Also, my boss hasn't called me and she had her phone off when I called her. I left a message on her voice mail, but I'd already done that last week and she never returned my call. So I hope she's okay. I'm hoping she calls me back, too.

Anyway, I could spend my day cleaning the bathroom, but I hurt my hand and I can't imagine scrubbing the bathtub with it hurting as bad as it's been. It hurts to type, too. Well, maybe I'll scrub the toilet and wipe down the sink again. The bathtub will have to wait, I think, as that's the one that will take the most effort. Hopefully it won't be too much longer that I have to worry about my hand, though, as it looks terrible and I want it CLEAN. Plus, I'm going to keep going through job listings. Hopefully I'll find something more stable, full-time, with benefits. : )

Yesterday

2008-04-13T09:03:00.000-07:00

Dad and I went to our favorite Tex-Mex restaurant for lunch, El Chapparal in Helotes. I had some yummy carne guisada (it's stew, not beef tips with gravy on them). It was awesome. Dad had some things to do later on, like empty all the fax machine parts out of his car so he could take it in to get it repaired today. The brakes are causing him trouble, among other things. So we had to cut our day short, but we managed to do a little shopping at Walmart (not really fun, but we got everything we needed fairly quickly). But we did take some time at Starbucks after that. I remembered to bring my Starbucks cup so that I could get the discount. Then, it was HEB, where I used a few coupons. Really, a fairly short day, but we had a good time. I think Dad was disappointed that he didn't get to buy a new car just yet. I think he was thinking that I'd make enough money to pay my car payment, but that's not happening at present. I haven't even gotten paid and I've been there for 3 weeks already. Plus, that day I was supposed to go in at 2:30, she called and said she didn't need me to come in after all. So I only worked 7 hours last week. Sucks. So, if I ever do get paid, it won't be very much.

Today, I have a coffee meetup at Mi Tierra, the place I went with R and E at Market Square. Should be fun. : ) I'd better get ready to go, actually!

Bored

2008-04-10T10:33:00.001-07:00

You'd think that having a job would keep me busy. But no. I don't have anything to do. I'm bored out of my mind. Yesterday I got stuff to do, but she didn't give me anything additional, so I've been just piddling all morning and part of the afternoon. She doesn't want me going in until 2:30. I asked her to give me some things to work on this morning and e-mail the files to me, but she didn't. She said she would, but she didn't. This isn't the first time I've asked her to do this, either. I've asked her on several occasions. Not to mention, that when I go into the office I don't have anything to do there either. I have no reason to go in, but she wants me there. It's HOT in there, too. The a/c sucks and on top of that she leaves the window open. It's 86 or so out there. Not really letting cool air in by having the window open, you know? I wish I could find another job where I'd get more hours. I really need the money and not having anything to do isn't helping me at all. I'm still looking for a job, but there aren't many out there. Most of them, like about 80%, are all medical jobs. Sucks, but that's the way it goes. Even worse, I was cleaning out some paperwork in my boss' office yesterday and I was finding records from '05 and '06 and there were bills in there. Several of them kept popping up saying "past due" and other similar phrases. I just get the picture she's not very organized and she's the type of person I need to bug over and over again to get her to do anything. I mean, I can't even get her to give me work! Not a good sign. It's so frustrating!

Pictures from R & E's last visit

2008-04-05T10:50:00.000-07:00

Meant to include these last time. The first one is E in Market Square.

Then we took the "trolley" (actually a bus) to the Alamo.

Then, we rode the river barges at the Riverwalk.

And R snapped this photo of me when I was talking and E wasn't ready:

Recently...

2008-04-04T18:38:00.000-07:00

Recently, I discovered I suck at web design. I apparently effed up an important client's website and someone has to clean up my mess. I feel so stupid. I have no clue what I did wrong either. But for some reason, when I downloaded the files, something got effed up and I was the only one logged into the server at the time. So it must have been me. All I was supposed to do was change the phone number on the website, but it was in a Flash format that wasn't compatible with my trial version, so I couldn't do it. Okay, right? No harm done. But the guy has tons of extra files in there that shouldn't be in there, including an old version of the site's homepage. Now THAT'S what's loading instead of the newer Flash site. Uggh. Every time I try to mess with this guy's files, something goes wrong. I think the guy isn't a very good designer in some ways, in that he stores EVERYTHING in the folders on the server instead of just the files needed for the site and he doesn't give the files descriptive names, just things like menu08 or menu02. So it's confusing as hell. But he can do things with Flash that I don't know how to do, so he's going to have to fix it.

The one thing I was able to do was to update the sign that goes out in front of the building as she wanted some changes done to the file that another guy had designed. That I was able to do. So my next project is to update the prices on a menu. Should be simple enough if I have the files. But this other guy has the files and has to e-mail them to me. We'll see when that happens. Most of the time, when I go to the office, I'm sitting there chatting with my boss and reading e-mail as I have nothing to do. Hopefully that will change. I've been bored. But, hey, if she'll pay me to just sit there, that's fine with me. I just don't want to be seen as expendable, you know? So I keep reminding her that I'm willing and able to do other things than what she hired me to do. Hopefully she'll find me some more work next week.

Also, as recently as last week, R and E were here. It wasn't a long visit, unfortunately, but we did manage to go downtown and visit Market Square (El Mercado), Mi Tierra, the Alamo, and the Riverwalk with little E. We wanted him to see the famous parts of the city and remember it fondly. So now, when he sees a picture of the Alamo, he'll know he's been there. Actually, he was pointing it out every time he saw it in this magazine I have! I was worried about all the stairs, but he went up and down like crazy and didn't slow us down a bit. Of course, when he got back to the apartment, he went back to his usual cautious self, but hopefully he's getting braver. He did have his first ride in a bus (the trolley, but they had regular buses running the trolley route downtown for some reason), which he loved. He had the biggest grin on his face every time the bus lurched or went over a bump. One time he even let out a little laugh. He loved the river barges, too. We saw a lot of the historical buildings and even some baby ducks.

Market Square was first, where we spent most of our money, actually. R and I got some jewelry from this little place that got items from Peru. I also got some hairclips from Mexico (inlaid with silver). E got a tambourine and a little mini-guitar that wasn't really a toy but a real guitar, only smaller. I think he's looking forward to learning to play it from his dad. Then, we ate lunch/dinner at Mi Tierra and picked up some Mexican sweetbread for later. Yum! All in all, a really fun day. I wouldn't have minded going back down there another time, but I got sick. Like, what else is new, you know? But I didn't want R and E to go and cried when they left. I was hoping I'd get to go up to FW, but it doesn't look like it's going to happen and they can't come back down here, so I guess that was it, until I can make it to LA. : ( I was hoping we'd be able to see La Villita or some other places around town, but we didn't have time. Oh well. I'm sure they'll be able to come back to visit.

Last night, I had a good time at a meetup for atheists. Some really good conversation there. The food was okay, not great. But the restaurant had a lot of different items on the menu than you usually see in Chinese restaurants. The portions were okay. Really, it was expensive for what you got, but it was pretty in there and the service was good. I met some really nice people, including a guy who was a reporter for Telemundo. He was really hot, too, but I don't think he was nearly as interested in me as I was in him! : (

Anyway, that's the update for now. I keep saying I'm going to keep up with this space, but then I don't do it, so I won't even promise that for now. Keep in touch peeps! : )

WTF???

2008-03-22T18:51:00.000-07:00

Okay, that woman called me the night before last and after I had told her to call. By then, I'd written her off, especially as she seemed to have blown me off when I went to her office. Well, she said something that sounded like, "you're one of the ones I hired," but her phone was cutting out as it sounded like she was on her cell. So I wasn't sure I heard her right, you know? So I'm trying to listen through the gaps and static to hear the rest of what she's saying to try to get it from context. And first of all, I have no idea why this woman called me out of the blue to ask me to interview with her. I have NO experience in web design. I have never designed a website before. Well, there was this silly college thing that I did with free downloaded software, but that was a long time ago and it wasn't very good. So, using regular stuff, I haven't done it. I don't even have Dreamweaver. I'd like to, but I don't. But even when I took the Dreamweaver class, we didn't design a site from scratch. We worked from material that was already given to us. So I wouldn't know the first thing about it. But she called me because she'd seen my resume on the SAC job board. On top of that, without even really interviewing me, she hired me. Really. I'm not joking. I can't tell you how shocked I am. I'm SOOOOO not qualified for this job. I'll do my best, and I'll try to learn what I don't know, but the first job she's given me is a toughie. It should be simple. I'm just updating her website. See, just altering something that's already there, right? Wrong.

First, she doesn't have the original files for the site. The only version of the site is what's on the internet. The links don't work. So I had to get the main portion of her site from a link from another website that she designed. I guess I was just using it as a guide, because I couldn't connect to her site to download the files from there. It took forever. I finally got an FTP software that worked and connected and I downloaded the files. Problem solved, right? Wrong. There are TONS of extra files. It took an HOUR to download all of it. There's no way it should have taken that long or that much space. There must be about 40 or 50 folders that have nothing in them. A lot of files are just gibberish (not even HTML code--I know what that looks like). Some of them are from old versions of the website. Well, when you update a website, you're supposed to download the old files and upload the new files. You don't keep all of it on the server at the same time. PLUS, he even has files there that are from completely different websites, like not even her website at all. And all of it is there in her file. The stuff that IS from her website is all published and therefore, there aren't layers, so I can't alter what's already there. Maybe if I knew HTML I could, but GoLive won't let me alter it at all. This would have been SOOOO much easier with the original files, I can't even tell you. Not an easy project for me as my first one. And I told her to please give me easy stuff to start me out. Yeah, thanks.

So, I don't know where to start. I might have to just build it all from scratch and start all over. I'll have to prepare her for that, of course, as she liked that site and just wanted me to correct the errors the other guy left. I just don't know what to do. I wish she'd give it to the more experienced guy and let me do something else. But for some reason she trusts me to do it and she thinks I won't let her down. I'm terrified I will. I mean, I'm glad to have a job, at last, and I'm relieved, but at the same time, I feel like I can't do it and I'll end up looking again anyway. I just feel like I shouldn't get too excited about it in case it doesn't work out. It's starting out as part-time and at $10.00 an hour, but after her website gets updated (????) it could turn to full-time. I'm also hoping I'll do a good job (or else prove myself indispensable in other ways) so that I can angle for a raise down the line. I really don't want to lose this job!

Absentee blogger

2008-03-20T14:59:00.000-07:00

Sorry I've been gone a while. First, I was just bummed from the job hunt. Plus, N moved to Austin. I just didn't feel good about it. AND R, C, and E are moving to LA. So, as soon as C headed off for LA, R came down here with E to spend some time in San Antonio, the city R and I were raised in. So, there were the obvious benefits of coming to a tourist city, but also, all her family is here and the food is much better than in FW. We had a blast touring sites around town and trying new food. Unfortunately, I discovered I love gelato! We also discovered this crepe place near my apartment. Sounds like French food, right? No. It's actually a Japanese place, but they serve crepes. Odd, but it's good and it's cheap. They even have frequent customer cards.

Then, R had to go back to FW and I rode with her. Not nearly as much to do up there. Really, it was pretty boring except for the company. Then, we were back in San Antonio again, having a good time until we were just worn out. I think there was no way we were getting enough sleep. I mean, we were staying up horribly late and then trying to sleep, but not succeeding with a little 4 year old talking right there. Well, R and E were trying to sleep on the floor, but Mom bought an air bed for them. But I could easily hear E's "whispering," which is basically a funny version of his usual loud toddler voice, in the next room even though my door was closed and I had the stereo on. Would be nice if kids came with a volume knob or something!

But R eventually had to go back up to FW. She had stuff to do on the house before closing. They accepted an offer on the house, but they had a really nitpicky inspector. What luck.

So I keep hoping they'll come back down before they leave for LA now that I've caught up on my sleep. However, I'm sure R isn't sleeping as well as I did now that things are quiet. Surely, it isn't as quiet in her household. But I am going out with a guy that I'll call RE. I don't know if it's really a romantic relationship or if we're just friends, but I'm fine with friends for now. I really can't feel really anxious to date again so soon after N, whom I never officially broke up with. It's just hard to see someone when they're in another city. RE seems nice as we met through Meetup.com also, and he's not pressuring me to do anything at all. In fact, hasn't brought anything I'm uncomfortable with up at all. We haven't even held hands, so it's a good slow speed, like I like. He also reminds me of N in some ways as he's interested in similar things, but doesn't have the aversion to fried food that N had. N was also somewhat of a vegetarian (most of the time), whereas RE eats meat, as do I. I guess I don't feel like I'm always trying to be as good as he is or something. That's not to say that N said I shouldn't eat meat or anything. He never did. Maybe it's just my own low self-esteem or something. But at least I've attracted some people and I've been dating, something I really haven't done much of. So that helps my ego a little bit. Plus, going to the meetups and meeting new people all the time helps my confidence level improve as well.

I had a "job interview" today and I wasn't even nervous at all. The thing that was most stressful was driving there, because there were TWO car accidents along my route and my map was wrong. Add on top of that the fact that the woman didn't give me directions to her office, so I'm out there going around and around the building looking for a suite 13 that you can only get to by going in one of the UNMARKED doors and going upstairs. Well, I had no clue there was even an upstairs as it wasn't clear from outside. There were only suites 1-6 and no signs or anything about anything else. I had to get help from someone in another office. Even that person didn't know exactly where suite 13 was, but helped me find the stairs (not as easy as it sounds--I'm not a complete moron, you know. I know what stairs look like, but these were hidden). Then, as if it wasn't already a mess (and I'm still not stressing out or getting butterflies at this point), I'm late and she's talking to someone else when I get there and is just basically chatting with this guy who's work she's oohing and aahing over, while she makes me fill out a job application. Then, she finally sees I'm done and comes over only to tell me she'll call me later. Yeah, that'll happen. I already know she's hiring the dude that she was chatting with, who's work she absolutely loved. Even worse, she kept slipping into Spanish talking to him, which seems a somewhat rude way to keep me from knowing what they were talking about. But, the office was a dump and there were only 2 workstations, and she's got one and someone else has the other. Don't know where I'd have been working as the office was only about the size of my itty bitty bedroom. I need a job, but I guess I don't have to feel too bad about not getting that one. Still, I'd have beared it if she gave me a chance. Even if she didn't seem like the smartest person in the world.

Oh well. But I'm trying not to lose hope. I will find a job eventually. Going to the meetups helps, as I'm networking. Last time I went out with RE, he had a couple of people from Meetup him and one of them was in HR and willing to help me. She just got laid off, though, so I feel bad for her as I know how companies are downsizing and it's hard to find a job right now. I keep hearing more and more people I know getting laid off. Scary. So, I'll look out for her and she's going to help me, too. The friend who was going to help me with my website and blog (other blog, not this one) to attract potential employers has been sick, so I haven't seen her. But I gather she's feeling better, so I may see her soon. Hope so.

Anyway, I've been busy, some of it good, some of it bad. Mostly good, though. I'll try to keep up with this better for the few people who still come back. I really appreciate the readers I have and the comments they leave. Thank you, thank you. I'll try to be a better blogger.

My lucky day!

2008-02-06T10:58:00.000-08:00

Okay, I didn't get hired on the spot. But I had testing in Austin yesterday. Already I was worried because I didn't know how long it would take to find the place as it is Austin and you can never get a good map of the city. Plus, there's traffic. So I stopped at Starbucks on the way out of town to get my caffeine fix. Didn't want to be falling asleep at the wheel. Then, I leave. Traffic leaving San Antonio wasn't too bad. But I left late and I'm worried I won't be able to find the place or I'll hit traffic and be late. Don't want to make a bad impression by showing up late, you know?

But traffic in Austin wasn't too bad. I had to go to north Austin, so I went through a good deal of it, too. Then, on top of that, the map was actually right. It took me right there! I was dumbfounded at that, as I think that's the only time that's ever happened to me. But I made it on time, about 5 minutes early. Plenty of time to fill out the job application. I actually had more than enough time, as they were waiting for this other guy to fill his out and take him for testing first, as his test was different than mine and these other two women. He took FOREVER to fill it out. I don't know why, but he was just being so deliberate and thinking a long time to fill out every question. I mean, I already knew the answers; it didn't take me long at all. But he would stop to rearrange something like 5 pages he had laid out every time he answered one. And he wrote really slow. The other women and I were pretty antsy by then as he even took a long time to put his papers in order to turn them in to the receptionist. He must have rearranged them like 5 times, and he kept straightening them over and over again. I wanted to go over there and take them from him and turn them in myself. Maybe he had OCD or something. It seemed like it. But the testing wasn't hard at all. I hope I did well. I think I was pretty slow for some reason as this other girl did hers really fast, although she didn't fill in the little bubbles on her answer sheet. She just put a slash through them. Personally, I didn't think it took that long to fill in the bubbles, but hey. What do I know?

But I managed to leave Austin by about 3:30 or almost 4:00. But there was traffic heading back to San Antonio as there always is. By then, the traffic is just as bad heading up north, too, though. I had to stop and get something to eat, as much as I hated to do that. There wasn't anything healthy, so I just got Whataburger. I was feeling really weak by that point, like my blood sugar just dropped dramatically really fast. Then, on the drive back, I got this text message saying $10.00 had been posted to my phone account. (?!!!)All I know is that I did not put the $10.00 on there myself. When does it ever happen that people just give you money for no reason, you know? Then, when I got home, I found me a lucky penny right on the ground. Even after the Whataburger, I still had enough Flex Points to have dinner and even a couple of pieces of chocolate, with a few points left over. I was just in a really good mood.

Today R and little E are coming into town to visit. Hope we can find enough things to do that don't cost money. But we should have a good time. If nothing else, we'll have coffee. : )

Last Hiking Meetup

2008-01-31T10:39:00.000-08:00

It was at O.P. Schabel park, which is one we go to all the time in my family. I thought I knew the park pretty well, but we didn't go on the trails I knew. Anyway, I got there a little early because I didn't want them to leave without me. I brought Bucky, as he seemed to like it the last time I took him to that park. Other people brought their dogs, too, and Bucky wanted to bark at them, of course. I picked him up, and he got quieter. So I just held him until we were ready to leave. As it turns out, I was the only one who brought a small dog. All the others were golden retrievers or bigger, so he was really out of place! A few people were worried he wouldn't make it or that I'd end up carrying him part of the way. But really, they don't know him like I do!

We took off walking, and it was a nice day. It was warm and a few people wore shorts even. Yes, even in January. There was someone who said, "It feels like summer!" and I just wanted to laugh as there's no way it would be that cool in summer. It was only about 73 F at the warmest. But a lot of people in the meetups are new to San Antonio, so I didn't want to make them feel bad or scare them off before summer really hit. Anyway, so we walked about an hour and a half in one direction, until we reached the road down at the far end after you go down into the ravine. It seemed to take forever. I was stupid and forgot to bring water, so I was dying of thirst by that point. Someone was nice and let Bucky have a sip of the water she brought for her dog. That seemed to perk him up a bit. His ears were sort of drooping a little by that point. But then we had to walk back the other way. So it was another hour and a half back. My legs were a little tired, but the thing I noticed most was that my knees started killing me. Really, I didn't think to wear a brace on my bad knee. Not very smart of me. People were marveling by that point that Bucky was doing so well. Really we took a short breather to let some people catch up who'd fallen behind going up a hill. He was jumping up on me and wagging his tail. He was absolutely fine. One guy even made a comment, "he's making me look bad." Well, they shouldn't have assumed he was weak just because he was small, should they? When we got to the parking lot at the end, a lot of people were relieved. And I wanted to go straight home for a tall glass of water or two. Bucky was looking at me excitedly, like "What are we gonna do now?"

Some of the people there were going to this bar afterwards, but I couldn't as I had my dog with me. So I just went home. Bucky wanted to be walked immediately, but I wanted to go straight upstairs. My knees were so sore I could hardly move them. Then, I got upstairs and had a full glass of water. Bucky saw Snoopy getting walked and got upset at me because I wouldn't take him, too. Goofball. Like he hadn't been outside for 3 hours already. I stretched as much as possible, although my joints still hurt later that night. By morning they were fine, but I think I'll wear a brace next time. Don't let me forget. : )

Anyway, not much going on. N is still in Austin and I haven't heard from him. He said he might be able to come down this coming weekend, but we'll see. Again, I haven't heard from him. I haven't gotten any more job interviews and I'm obviously still not employed, or that would have been the first thing I wrote about. But a couple of people in the coffee meetup had some tips for me, so I'm looking forward to the next one of those. : )

First Hiking Meetup

2008-01-21T11:30:00.000-08:00

This was the first one I attended anyway. It was a moonlight hike, which I'd never done before. We were all to bring flashlights, although there was a 90% full moon. Clear sky. Kinda cold, but really, it was warmer than the night before, and anyway this is San Antonio. Not exactly known for having real freezes in the wintertime. So we all bundled up and were fine. It was this park called Walker Ranch that I'd never been to before. We all met up in the parking lot of Incredible Pizza to carpool, as we'd been told there wasn't enough parking for everyone. There were supposed to be about 50 or 60 people. So a bunch of us crammed into a truck and I think there was another truck or two with us. When we got there, there were a couple of other vehicles there, but that was it. So as it turned out only about 16 people showed up! So there was plenty of parking after all. Still, we waited for a while, then decided to head out. There were a few trails, and we took one that would probably have some wildlife for us to see. A few deer, who didn't seem to be very afraid of us. They just kind of stared at us, like "What are you doing here so late?" or something. We kept following the trail and headed up on top of the dam, then, came down the side, where we ran into a barbed wire fence. We went through the fence for some reason, and kept going as there seemed to be a trail still. Ended up going through another fence. Kept following the trail. Then came to a sign that said "No Trespassing". Well, we were confused by that as we'd stayed on the trail. But then the other side of the fence said it was the park, so I guess we'd been trespassing before, so we crossed back into the park (?). Someone joked "Who said this wouldn't be a wild night?" in comment for our trespassing earlier. We were all pretty goofy by that point. We saw more deer and some thing that I thought looked like a cat, but someone else said looked like a squirrel (I thought it was too big to be a squirrel, though). Then, since we'd had a good time, we decided to head over to the Lion and Rose pub as the organizers had a room reserved for us. That sounded nice, so we all headed over there. When we got there the room wasn't ready as there were people in there that wouldn't leave. The staff were trying to persuade them, but they were really stubborn and were arguing, etc. It ended up being a half hour past our reservation before we were let in. And it wasn't even a room after all, but an "area". A bit of a let-down. Then we waited there for about 45 minutes for them to come take our drink order. Some people hadn't had a chance to eat before the hike and were hungry, but the staff wouldn't take food orders until later. That made some of us pretty mad. Then, we waited nearly an hour for the drinks to come. No explanation or apology or anything. Some people left. One guy complained, but got a story about the bartender being taken away by EMS. Well, if we'd known that we would have been a little more patient, but they didn't tell us anything. Then, waited another 30 minutes or so for them to come take food orders. It took so long to get the food orders, that some people were getting ready to leave right as the food arrived. By then, it was midnight, so I just ate a little and took the rest home. Really, it was disappointing. But that particular pub has more than one location, and someone said the other locations were better staffed. So maybe we'll go to a different one. Everyone said the food was good, though. I just got a dessert, but I'll admit it was good. I'd just rather go somewhere else, maybe the one off 1604 next time.

Anyway the next meetup is at O.P. Schnabel, which is a park we go to all the time in my family as it's nearby. It will be a daytime hike. They want to go to Hill's and Dale's afterward, which is not really my style. It's a place right by the UTSA campus, so everyone went there all the time, but it looked kinda like a biker bar, so I never wanted to go there. I still don't.

N got laid off from his job, so I'm hoping he finds something soon and something in SA. He's afraid he may have to move, as he hasn't found many jobs here and the ones he's been interviewed for are out of town. So I'm pretty bummed about that. But hopefully he'll be here long enough to go on the hike with me and we can spend some time together afterward. At least we could do something during the week maybe. Something. I hope he doesn't have to leave, though. I mean, it would just be my luck to meet someone and have this happen, wouldn't it? Maybe he'll just move back to Austin and we can still see each other. I don't know. I can hope.

Anyway, I guess that's it. I have a job interview tomorrow, but I'm not 100% sure about it. I'm really checking them out as much as they're checking me out. I just wonder about the place and if it's legit, you know? Plus, it's not a creative position, which is a drawback for me. But you never know. Really, I applied for other jobs that I'd rather get interviewed for and I'm hoping I hear from them this week. Please, please, please.

Coffee Meetup

2008-01-11T11:54:00.000-08:00

There was a coffee meetup on Wednesday and I'm only just now writing about it. Lazy, I know. But it was a good meetup. I met up with C, who is my neighbor. She lives just a building down from me. She is now the assistant organizer of the group and her boyfriend is now the organizer. They decided to keep it going after Dunn Brother's closed, which is good as a lot of people wanted it to continue. We met this time at Da Vinci Gelato. It was soooo good. Now you know how addicted to Starbucks I am, right? Well, this was pretty darn good. I had an amaretto latte and it came in this pretty glass mug with a little design put in the foam with the espresso. They also gave me a little square of dark chocolate for the coffee. It was so pretty that the organizer, who is an amateur photographer, wanted to get photos of it. A lot of people tried the gelato, which I didn't try as it looked really fattening, although there were promised fat-free selections that I didn't check out. I mainly wanted coffee. I knew I would need to eat again later to take my Geodon, so I didn't want to eat there.

Anyway, there is this other coffee house that is downtown that everyone wanted to try. It's called Ruta Maya and it's one of the top 5 coffee houses in the country. But the meetup is on a Saturday and I can't go. : ( Then they tried to change the date to Sunday, but forgot that the place is closed on Sundays. Darn. So, they'll have to arrange for that another time as well, when other people can go. But I wanted to try the place. There are others coming up, so I'm hoping I can go to some of them. The next one is just at La Madeleine. Should be good as we can get dinner, too.

Not much else going on at present. Still waiting to hear back from the last job interview. They may or may not call me back, but I'm hoping I get called back. I will even beg if they want me to. Really. I'm not above it. But a couple of people at the coffee meetup said they knew people who might be hiring, so I hope that's true. The more leads the better. I gave one guy my business card to give to this other guy, but I think he might have had a crush on me as he kept telling C how cute I was and that I was "like a little doll". Then again, I am tiny, so maybe that's all it was. But C thought he was gonna ask me out at some point. Of course, I am still seeing N, so that probably won't happen.

Well, I guess that's it for now. I'll try to keep updating if stuff actually happens. Take care everyone.

I'm still in the running...

2008-01-04T13:47:00.000-08:00

Despite my lack of experience in graphic design, I think the job interview went well. I think it didn't really matter as they said they'll train me, so I'm relieved. Plus, the graphic design stuff they do is all on templates and you basically just drag and drop most of the time. I can handle that easily enough. The other stuff the job entails is what I'd be doing most of the time, so they'd definitely have to train me for that and they said they would. I think my previous jobs have prepared me somewhat for the other duties, so hopefully I'll get a second interview. They're interviewing for the next couple of weeks, then they'll be calling a couple of people back for the second interview. Just PLEASE let me be one of them!

I was supposed to meet N yesterday, but he had plans with a friend for dinner and he was going to meet me after. He said he'd call and he never did. I'm assuming that he just got carried away at dinner and lost track of time. So we'll worry about that later, I guess. He hasn't called today. Anyway, got to hang out with H yesterday. Got our usual Starbucks fix and H gave me a Christmas present. Just a cute little scarf and a $5 Bucky's gift card. Then we did a little shopping. H had a gift card for Barnes and Noble and wanted to get a book. I got a calendar as they were half off. I really wanted this poodle one, but it wasn't marked down. It was the last one, so I couldn't check the other ones. I was disappointed at that, but I got this other one that's nice, too. So now I can keep track of my appointments.

I saw the most adorable Sketchers at Kohl's, but they didn't have a size small enough for me. I mean, the smallest they had was a size 7. Really, short people need shoes, too! Oh well. So then I looked them up on the Kohl's website, and they don't stock smaller than a size 6. I'm a size 5. : ( Then I looked on the Sketchers website, but they cost a lot more there. So I guess I won't be getting them, no matter how cute they are. : ( and : ( again.

But we had fun and promise to do it again soon. She has a birthday coming up, so I have yet another gift to buy. I was hoping I was done with that, but then I remembered the b-day thing, so I guess not. Anyway, will try to keep updating as I hear about the job situation. If I'm really lucky I'll get some more interviews and not have to feel like everything's staked on this one job.

Long time no see!

2007-12-28T10:35:00.000-08:00

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've been busy. Of course, now I'm sick and staying home, but that's a recent development.

Of course, every year, at least one of us is sick on either Thanksgiving or Christmas. This year, Thanksgiving was fine, but we had quite a few of us sick on Christmas. R and little E stayed in FW, although R did make it down for the weekend before. She had to go home on Sunday, and was already feeling bad. Then, both M&M were sick, but managed to make a lunch for us (Dad and me) on Christmas day. It was simple, just some tamales from HEB, which were made in their kitchen and not the storebought kind. So they were really good. And sis M made some rice. Really the tamales were so huge, we didn't need anything else. I ate 2 of them and was sorry. They're about the size of 2 or 3 regular tamales, so I felt like I ate a ton. But it was nice, and we stayed a little while, while BIL M showed my dad some tricks with the Playstation 2 as they'd gotten him one and he was stuck in a couple of the games. We also got a sample of what the PS 3 looks like and it's pretty awesome. I don't really play games enough to get one myself, but it looked good.

Then, Dad and I left as M&M wanted to take naps as they still weren't feeling too well. So we went hiking at a local park and it was a beautiful day, not too cool and not too hot. Actually, as we started walking it was cool, but got warmer the longer we were there and we had to take our jackets off. By then, the people that were arriving were only wearing T-shirts, so it wasn't just because we'd been walking a while. But we saw a part of the park we hadn't been to before.

The next day, I had dinner with N, the guy I've been seeing. It was supposed to be something he cooked, but he got home too late and we went to this Vietnamese restaurant we'd been to before, but they turned out to be closed, and we went to a second restaurant that ended up being closed as well. We ended up going to Blanco Cafe, which I'd been to before, but at a different location. It's this Mexican restaurant and it was packed (probably because nothing else was open). The food was fine, but I had trouble eating it because I'd seen a roach on the wall and couldn't get past that. I mean, what are the chances they're only in the outside part where the customers are and not in the kitchen? I was just really grossed out and creeped out. But anyway. Now I'm not feeling well either and slept most of the day yesterday. I'm still tired today and the congestion is worse, but I hope I get better soon. I'm taking zinc and green tea to help.

Anyway, I have a job interview next week. I'm not really qualified, but I hope they'll be good enough to show me how to do the things I don't know how to do. We'll see. I'm not too optimistic about it as I've been interviewed for these things before. I just have to keep looking, of course. Hopefully I'll be feeling better by then, too.

The Lamest Christmas Party...

2007-12-09T14:24:00.000-08:00

Okay, this is a big employer here in SA. Thought their Christmas party would be fun. It's usually a really big deal. They book a huge venue for the thing and have several rooms with different entertainment in each one, along with lots of food to choose from, dancing, etc. But in the car on the way over there, Mom breaks the news to me that there will be no booze! What? At a Christmas party? Sure they're an insurance company and all and they know about risk, but that's pretty sad. But we get there and they're busing everyone to the event. It took forever to get on the bus, but they were more like motorcoaches and had comfortable seats and TVs (which they never turned on--WTF?). Traffic is always horrible downtown, so it took forever to get to the event. It actually took an hour and doesn't normally take quite that long. But we get there and I'm looking forward to it. And they've only booked 2 rooms. So EVERYONE was crammed into just these two rooms. You could hardly move around. There was no space to mingle or anything. There's only one band booked. That's it. And there were so few buffet tables that the lines were longer than the ones at DisneyWorld. Really. The food didn't look that great to begin with. Mom says they had a different caterer this year. I think it must have been a cheaper bid, rather than a choice to get us better food for the event. THEN, as if this wasn't lame enough already, there were hardly any tables for people to eat at. People were walking around with food with nowhere to go. It was so bad, people were leaving the event in droves to go to the hotel across the street that had a bar, and then taking the next bus back to their cars. In fact, we just skipped the hotel bar thing and went straight to the bus. We were extremely disappointed at how little they cared about the party and how little they actually spent on it this year, when they've always gone all-out for it. Then, we went to a restaurant and had a dinner and a margarita, just because we were so p-o-ed. Not sure if we want to go to the party next year. : ( What a let-down.

A DATE!!!

2007-12-04T12:56:00.001-08:00

I went to a Meetup event recently. It was a coffee singles group, which I wasn't too excited about, but I thought I could at least make friends and enjoy a cup of coffee. Turns out I met a few people and had some good conversations. One guy even wanted to see me again. Another guy wanted to e-mail me, so that's good, too. I think the second guy wants to be friends, which is okay with me.

The date turned out fine. We went for coffee last night and then to dinner. It was a pleasant evening, although we're still in the getting-to-know-each-other phase. Too early to get really excited, but he seems like a nice guy. I did read his profile, though, and he's a Republican, so that could be a problem, but we'll see. I don't expect us to have everything in common, you know? But he wants to see me again, although we couldn't arrange anything for this week as he's busy on the days that I'm not. And he's going to Austin this weekend, so that's out. Maybe next week.

Also, this past weekend, R and E came down from FW and we had a nice visit. It was busy as we were visiting family and friends the whole time. So I was tired yesterday, but it's okay. It was fun. R got her Tex-Mex fix, which she was happy about. I didn't mind it either, of course. : ) I also got another cranberry bliss bar, which was really yummy. I know they'll be gone soon, so I want to have as many as possible. It's a shame they're 8 points for one, so I can only have a little at a time, but it's worth it. R and I were also naughty in that we had pizza from HEB, but I still have a few flex points left. Not many, but a few. I will get more tomorrow, so it's okay, I suppose.

Anyway, I've got a Meetup on Thursday evening that I want to go to, although it's at a restaurant I've heard isn't that good. But 2 previous Meetups were at places where there would be smoking, which I can't do. This one is the atheist Meetup, which I enjoyed when I went to a past one. That's pretty much it, as my life is pretty dull at the moment. Hopefully there will be some job interviews soon, but I'm not holding my breath.

Turkey Day and eBay

2007-11-27T10:18:00.001-08:00

Well, Turkey Day was actually two days as I have two parents who don't get along. I suppose that even if they did manage to be on speaking terms, they probably wouldn't want to have Thanksgiving together anyway. So, sis M, who graciously offered to cook as Grandma is still out for a few more weeks, cooked 2 dinners! One for each parent. I, of course, attended both. R couldn't make it down, unfortunately. But day 1, actually on Thanksgiving Day, was turkey with Dad. M got a free turkey with the purchase of a ham at our local HEB (they rock, BTW), so she made that. BIL M made his famous mashed potatoes. He's pretty much been cooking since he was 5 years old. Amazing, but true. I didn't start until I was 8 or 9. And there were veggies and dinner rolls. All traditional fare, of course. No dessert as we couldn't eat any more. I was good and stuck to my daily allotment of WW points, as opposed to having more than one plate. So that worked out fine, and we had a good time.

Then, day 2, sis M made ham for Mom as Mom doesn't like turkey that much (fine because Dad doesn't like ham, so it worked out). She also made some mac and cheese and BIL M made his mashed potatoes again. Really, a very carb-ful dinner, but it was tasty. I managed to keep my portions down and stick to my daily points again. Woohoo! I'm so proud of myself for managing that! So, no seconds for me, as hard as that was. Then, on Saturday, Dad and I went to this Chinese restaurant we hadn't been to in years since Bei Fang is still renovating. Actually, the other place, Mencius, turned out to be really good, so now we have an alternative until Bei Fang (our favorite one) opens back up. The place looked someone upscale with marble walls and waiters dressed up like waiters in Paris, but the prices were very similar to Bei Fang. So, yippee!

Not much going on now, of course, as the holidays are over, at least until Christmas. The jury's still out on weather R's fam will make it down for that, but we'll see what happens.

The only thing I've noticed is that eBay isn't very secure. Someone broke into my account and used it to send spam. So they suspended my account and got me to change my password. Great. Fine, I don't use the site very much. Then, just recently, the sent me an e-mail saying my account had been closed, again for unauthorized use or something. I mean, that's twice! I don't even know if I want to get it reinstated as I don't trust them right now. Are they secure? I've bought stuff on there before and hadn't had a problem until just recently. Maybe it's safer for me to leave it closed for now as that means no one can access the account, right? I HOPE. I mean, at least eBay notified me of the problem, but I'd feel better if I didn't have these problems to begin with, you know? These two incidents didn't happen very far apart, either. Why all at once? I mean, I could always get a new account, but then I'd lose what little feedback I already had. I just don't know. Plus, I thought my password was pretty hard to guess, but someone still broke into it, so I don't know that if I changed it that no one could break into it again. Anyway...

I think I'm gonna get going now. Maybe I'll go to the library. I'm almost finished with my last book.

The best anti-racism cartoon ever...

2007-11-22T15:24:00.001-08:00

BIL's B-day present

2007-11-17T18:42:00.000-08:00

Brother-in-law M's birthday is tomorrow, but my sis M wanted to get him a present early. I don't know the details, but I'm thinking there was some sort of trade involved with the computer as BIL M's parents gave him money for his computer and then bought him a new computer. So sis M had the money for the computer, plus some money from something else recent (don't remember). The Playstation 3s had gone down in price to $399 and she thought she'd surprise him. All leading up to this, BIL M is saying how much he wants the PS3, and sis M is saying it costs too much, etc. and coming up with excuses not to buy it. So BIL is thinking he's not getting one. Then, while he's at work, sis goes with Mom and buys one, then tells BIL on the phone that she got him something at HEB and left it on the bed for him. Well, she's afraid he won't go in the bedroom. Then she goes to work. So BIL is probably thinking it's one of the collectibles he's into or something and looking forward to that. Wish I could have seen his face when he walked into the bedroom!

I think Dad is jealous...

2007-11-10T16:44:00.000-08:00

Okay, all day today he seems to be wanting me to talk him into buying himself a car. That's not to say we didn't already have this discussion a few weeks ago, and he talked himself out of it and into buying me a car instead. He said that was what he really wanted to do because he didn't trust his car to be very good for my out of town forays, etc. He didn't think it was reliable with all the miles he has on it. Well, fine. He said he'd fix it up and keep it as it's decent enough for his work. That's what he SAID. Now, he sees all the nice features my car has and I think he's getting car envy. I keep trying to talk him out of it as he just bought a car and I'm not employed yet to take the payment off of him. I said "why don't you wait until I get a job, then?" and he doesn't want to wait. I said that all his car needed was regular maintenance stuff done on it anyway. It just needs new struts. That's something that needs to be replaced eventually. Not something that really went wrong with the car, you know? But now he's acting like it's too much trouble and too much money (?!) to fix it up. WTF? I mean, I may be mistaken, but isn't it more expensive to buy a brand new car, as he wants to do? Unless there's some cheap-y car out there that I don't know about that only costs $240 (the cost of the parts and labor for new struts). He might as well admit that he just wants a new one. He just wants me to say it's a good idea, too. Really, if he was going to do that, why didn't he fix up his car and give it to me, and then buy himself a new car? We discussed it. He rejected the plan. But really, if he wants the new car, it would have made more sense. I tried for a while to convince him that was the better plan, because I knew this would happen. I knew that he'd see the new car and get jealous. It always happens. Ugh. Dad. He's just a big kid.

Not a TOTAL waste of time...

2007-11-09T11:04:00.000-08:00

I drove all the way from the west side of San Antonio to the east side of San Antonio to get to the dealership so they could look at the seat belt, only to find out that there was nothing wrong with the seat belt whatsoever. My dad was just doing it wrong. He tried to put the right belt clip thingie into the center buckle, which doesn't work. It only works if you put them in the right buckles, which he should have been able to figure out, but I think he must have been sitting on one of the buckles. Then, I leave and I'm on the way home and the salesman calls me to see if I'm coming over and I say I'm on my way home that I just left. And he says to come back and he'll top off my gas tank. Well, that sounds good to me, so I head back and get a full tank of gas (although I'd only used a quarter tank at that point). He let me know what was going on with the user manual search and said he'd probably have to order one, which is fine by me. Oh well. At least I got to drive my nice car for a while...

And I got a prime parking place when I got back home. : )

Seat Belt repair

2007-11-07T09:04:00.000-08:00

As of Saturday, I own a burgundy 2002 Nissan Altima. It's a beautiful car and near spotless. I just discovered that it has keyless entry and an alarm on it, too. I keep discovering new features all the time, like if you push the trip odometer it tells you the gas mileage and the outside temperature, too. Neat-o. I tested the cruise control as the one on the rental car didn't work and I was paranoid, but it worked fine. That's a feature I wish I'd had on the Mercury. I just really love the new car.

One thing about it is that one of the seat belts in the back seat didn't lock when you clicked the silver part into it. So, the dealership promised to fix it. But that means I have to drive over there (we're on opposite sides of town, too, so it's a long drive) for them to look at it. I thought I could just call them with the VIN and the salesman seemed to think so, too, but the service department insists on seeing the car. I'll admit it's gorgeous, but surely they got to look at it already. Well, I'm joking. I know they mean they want to look at the seat belt. Anyway, I guess I'll be doing that today. I meant to be cooking dinner, so we'll see how long it takes. They may have to special order a new one.

We did get the duplicate title and Dad signed it and I signed it and I mailed it off yesterday. Hopefully the rest of the settlement will come soon. It might take a couple of days to process, but hopefully soon. Also, my prescription shipped from the second Canadian pharmacy. I hope they're more reliable than the first one I tried. They'd told me my prescription hadn't arrived because of a postal strike in the UK, and I really didn't believe them because it seemed illogical to ship my prescription from the UK if they knew there was a strike. But Sarah confirmed the story. Still, it was only for a few days and they told me when the package would arrive and it didn't arrive. It STILL hasn't arrived, so I don't think I was going to get it at all. The new one had free shipping, so it turned out to be a little cheaper than the first one, so I'm really hoping this works out as it would save us some money and money will be tight for a while with the car payment.

Recent book recommendation would be Nefertiti by Michelle Moran. I don't know how accurate it is, but it's pretty entertaining and fun to read. If you're at all interested in ancient Egypt, it would be a more detailed look into daily life there, especially for people connected to the royal family as the story isn't told from the perspective of Nefertiti, but from her sister's perspective.

Well, that's it for today. Will probably give an update on the seat belt story as I don't really know what's involved in fixing it. It will probably have to be replaced, but we'll see.

The Car Title was "Altered"

2007-11-02T08:41:00.000-07:00

Okay, I always thought that "altering" the title meant trying to change something on the front of the thing and trying to make it look like it said something it didn't. But apparently, they say that if you write on it, that's altering it, even if it's on the back and you just signed it like you were told to. So now that we "voided" the title by "altering" it, we need to get a release of lien, even though it was plain as day on the now-voided title. Of course, the lien was with Security Service CU, which we couldn't find anywhere. We must have passed by 10 or more banks, none of which were a Security Service. Luckily for us, Dad knows where they are as, for some reason, he has a memory for that sort of thing. He has a map in his head and remembers just about every place he ever goes to fix a fax machine. He knew right off the top of his head. I wish I could do that, but usually I'm watching the road and not paying attention to what businesses are around there. Oh well.

So, despite my feeling under-the-weather, we have to go over there and get the paperwork from the bank before we get the duplicate title paperwork over to the DPS. And by the DPS, I don't mean the driver's license office. It's another whole separate building. Could they make this more confusing and complicated? I'm sure this isn't the end of it. I still have to get Dad's signature on the duplicate title form, even though it shouldn't matter because you can't do anything with the title unless you get both of our signatures on it. It's just an extra unnecessary step. But for some reason, everything we've ever done involving a car title has been a big hassle and they're so picky that nothing is ever filled out right. We did it exactly the way they told us to once, and then they said that was wrong. Every time you get a different person, you get a different story. Really, I don't think they're very organized.

Anyway, should you be anxiously awaiting those book recommendations, I have a couple of them. First off, I finally read Khaled Hosseini's The Kite Runner. I meant to read it much sooner, but couldn't find it at the library. I finally had to have it reserved for myself or else I'd probably have to wait much longer to read it. Needless to say, it was really good, although parts of it were sad. But I'd certainly recommend it. Next up, in a completely different genre, is John Scalzi's The Last Colony. Even if you don't read science-fiction, you should find it entertaining. The writing alone makes it extremely entertaining and beyond that the story is more complicated as it goes along. When you think you get what's going on, there's always something that happens to change that. I'm not done with that one, but it's fun to read and I thought I'd recommend that one, anyway.

Well, that's it for now. Again, I'm not feeling well, so my attention span is a little shorter than usual. It's hard to concentrate and I'm really tired. Hope I'll feel better by tomorrow. Don't worry I'm loading up on antioxidants and taking zinc and drinking lots of water.

The latest on the car story

2007-10-29T11:02:00.000-07:00

Right now, nothing is going right. Apparently, we filled out the title wrong when we sent it to the insurance company. So now I have to get a new title. But I have to wait for the old title to be mailed back to me because it's our proof that the lien was signed off, then I can take that to the "title place" (wherever that is) to get a new one that we can then sign correctly and send back to the insurance company. This promises to be very time-consuming as most of it is waiting. Waiting for the old title. Waiting for the new title to come (unless they really can print them on the spot as the insurance guy said--dad said he had to wait for another one recently to come by mail, though). Then, after we send the new title off to the insurance company, it takes a couple of days of processing before we'll get the rest of the settlement money.

The one thing the guy did do was give me a partial payment for the car. Like he gave me the money as if I was keeping the car and getting it fixed, but I'll get more when they get the title, which is what I mean by the rest of the money.

The other ordeal right now is waiting for my Trileptal. Obviously, this is the one that causes the most problems anyway, as it's $233 at my local pharmacy. But then, I found out I could get it for less if I ordered it from Canada. For one thing, they have a generic one there that's not available here (why it can't be available everywhere is beyond me) and that was $85. So I'd been ordering it from this Canadian pharmacy. However, over two and a half months ago, I placed an order and didn't receive it. They wouldn't run a trace on it unless I checked for sure (even though I could already tell them the answer to this question without checking) with the post office that they weren't holding a package for me. Well, we're getting all our other mail and even have gotten packages since then, so it's not the mail. So I called the post office that I thought was my post office to see if they were holding a package for me and they said that for security reasons they couldn't tell me over the phone. So I drove over there only to find out that that wasn't my post office anymore. Great. So, in the end I checked 3 different post offices before I found out which one was mine. Mind you, they're not very close together either. The one that's mine is actually the farthest away of the 3, too. Weird. Anyway, all of that just to find out what I already knew, no, they weren't holding a package for me. So I called the pharmacy back and said so, and they ran a trace on the package and said it was at a sorting facility and would be here the next week. The next week came and went and I didn't get the prescription. So I called back and told them. So now, they say they'll re-ship the package. Great. Whatever. Again, I have to wait the regular 3 weeks before I found out that that package didn't arrive either. So I called them back and she said, there had been a postal strike and it would be delayed, but would be here by last Friday. Again, Friday, nothing happened. So I called again today (Monday) and she ran a trace on it and said it would be here tomorrow. Well, I've heard all of this before and I don't believe that it will really come, but they won't issue a refund until then, because that's when her computer system is telling her it will be here now. Well, nevermind that, before, she said it would be here last Friday, right? She went on about the postal strike in the UK causing delays. Well, if there was a strike, why did they send my package from the UK then? Either way, they're not making sense to me. I don't believe them. I have already decided not to use them again, so no need to say that to me. There are plenty of other Canadian pharmacies out there.

Anyway, that's it for now. Feel free to drop a line and cheer me up. Been kinda bored, despite all the endless phone calls trying to sort everything out. I should have some book recommendations coming for anyone interested. I'll probably be reading a lot this week since I have to give the rental car back. Reading is fine, still didn't want to give up the rental car, though. : (

Need to look for a new car : (

2007-10-21T14:30:00.000-07:00

Found out on Friday that my car was a total loss. I'm not happy about that at all as the car was in good condition with no mechanical problems at all. It also sucks that it wasn't even a mistake I made that caused this, but some woman who was stupid enough not to pay attention to her driving. Still, what else can I do?

So, Dad and I discussed options and we're going to see some cars and decide from there what the plan is going to be. Will probably need financing of some sort. I'm not looking forward to it. I mean, car shopping can be fun, like the looking part. The buying part is not fun because there's no way to do it without talking to the salespeople. That part I hate. I'm going to see if my bank can do something about it, maybe I can co-sign on a loan to rebuild my credit. But we'll see how it actually works out.

Had a good time in FW. Mostly we went shopping as Mom wanted me to buy some clothes to interview in. The suits I had were pretty huge on me, so I guess it was time to replace them. It's a shame as I really liked them a lot, but the new ones are nice, too. The hardest part was finding a skirt in a size 2. In the end, we got a couple at Old Navy, although at Old Navy I needed a size 0 as their 2s are fairly big. I wish I could have bought a lot more clothes as most of my stuff is too big, but I have to get a job first. I hope I get the one I interviewed for on Monday, even though the office was kind-of creepy. It was just dark and depressing, but the guy insisted that they were just remodeling. I don't know. I didn't see any additional light fixtures anywhere.

Anyway, I guess I don't have much to blog about. I'm just wanting to get all of this resolved and over-with. I don't know when I will get the settlement from the insurance company but I hope it's soon. I really don't want to mess with this anymore. : (

Invisible car strikes again

2007-10-14T13:09:00.000-07:00

Not the best time in the world for my car to turn invisible again, but it happened. Dad and I were leaving Starbucks and we're out on the street now, driving, minding our own business. I'm in the left lane and there's a truck in the right lane trying to turn into a driveway. So I slow down, because I can't see around this giant truck and I don't know if there's someone going to come out of one of those driveways or not. Apparently there was. As I decided I was past the truck, this woman guns her truck (another truck, coming OUT of the driveway as the first truck was waiting for her to move before he turned in) and smashes into the side of my car. Basically she was trying to make a left there and go down the opposite way I was going, and she ended up making a "T" with my car being the top of the T. How she couldn't see me, I don't know as I was right in front of her. Hard to miss, but she did it. I call 911 to get a police officer over there to take the report, and she calls her insurance company first. She's extremely apologetic and knows it's her fault, but that doesn't make it any less of a pain in the ass to deal with, you know? Eventually, I'm taking down her information and then I talk to her insurance company, and they say they won't do anything about my damages, getting me a rental car, or anything at all until they do an investigation. Great. What am I going to do about a vehicle? I was extremely mad by that point, at the insurance company dragging their feet about this, when it's obviously the other woman's fault. I wasn't speeding or anything as I'd slowed down considerably, when I was only going 35 in a 40mph zone anyway. I don't know. After we were done with all of that, we were waiting for the cop, and he still hadn't arrived. Finally I decided to call 911 again, but the cop arrived right as I was doing that. He took the report quickly and that was that.

I got home somehow, even though my car was making all kinds of funny noises because o9f the damage. I told my mom about the accident and that the other woman's insurance sucked (it's a county mutual--insurance for high risk drivers). Well, my mom said county mutuals are like that. They drag their feet about everything and it's really hard to get a hold of them on the phone and it always takes forever to resolve the claim. Great. So, I called MY insurance company (USAA) and they scheduled my car in the shop right away and arranged for a rental car. They'll just get the money back from the other insurance company later. Fantastic! I love them. Hopefully it will be arranged before I have to pay my deductible, but we'll see. I'm just mad about the timing as I have a job interview on Monday and that's the same day I've got to get my car in the shop and get the rental car, so I can (hopefully) go to FW. R's husband C is in LA right now doing a freelance job and they've already informally discussed hiring him permanently, so this might be my last chance to visit R if they end up moving to LA. But C is there designing the package for the Country Music Awards, so it will be cool for him to do some national spots as opposed to the local stuff he's done. Anyway, busy, busy, busy. I'm going to have to get up early tomorrow. Hope everything works out.

Looks like I'm going to FW...

2007-10-12T10:18:00.000-07:00

Woohoo. Yes, not that exciting. A boring place to go with nothing to do, but my sis is there. So I will be visiting her mainly. I doubt we'll find all kinds of fun things to do, but we'll probably go to Starbucks a lot. Hopefully she has this ice cream I've been obsessed with. It's Blue Bunny No Sugar Added, Reduced-fat Bunny Tracks. This stuff is heavenly and doesn't taste light at all. Normally, I'm not one for peanut butter, but put it with chocolate and I'm all over it. However, this ice cream is 3 points for a half-cup. I wish I could have lots more, but I usually don't have more than 3 points left over after my meals. The first time I had it, it seemed really rich and I didn't think I could eat more than a half-cup, but the more I eat it, the more I want it. I wish I could feasibly eat it all day long, for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. The stuff is delicious.

I made a version of tortilla soup from a recipe I got online. I had to alter it a bit as they seemed to think there were bell peppers in tortilla soup. Well, you can tell when someone is not from here when they put weird ingredients like that in Mexican food. Still, it made some good soup (my altered version), although it didn't really taste like tortilla soup. I think that's the recipe's fault, though. In real tortilla soup, there just aren't that many ingredients and they seemed to think they needed a whole bunch. But at least it was good, and there's some left over in the fridge.

Anyway, I'll be back on Thursday as there's another meetup group I want to go to that night. Then, the organizer for the atheists meetup wanted to have a Halloween party, so that sounds like it might be fun. He said he hired a 12 member folk band to play loud music directly behind us all night, but I think he was joking. So, hopefully I'll make some friends out of this and have some fun.

Besides all that, not much going on. No job interviews, nothing. I'm getting so sick of it. I NEED a JOB!!! I'm getting impatient here. It can't last forever, can it? I mean, someone will hire me eventually, right? I mean, I'm not mean or awful to live with, am I? I think I'm a decent photographer. I know the graphic design software and I can learn quickly. I have customer service skills. I have a college degree. Really, what is it about me that turns employers off? Really, someone tell me.

Atheists Meetup

2007-10-05T13:19:00.001-07:00

I had a great time at the Atheists meetup last night. One guy was in the same area as I am, so he carpooled with me. So I had company on the way over there, and he and I shared an interest in photography. So that was cool. He does mostly landscapes, which I also enjoy. He said he didn't become an atheist until he was 55, so it was fairly recent for him, whereas I think I was always an atheist. I just didn't figure it out for sure until college.

We got to the restaurant and met a few people. At first I had a table with a couple of guys who weren't very talkative, so I tried to ply them with questions to get them to talk a little more. Then, some more people arrived and they moved to another table. One guy stayed with me since I was alone at the table. He and I got into a debate about what an agnostic really is, then he went over to the other table with his friends and I joined another discussion at another table. There we had some lively debates and some really enlightened, deep, philosophical conversations, which were really fun. I think our table was the last table left in the whole restaurant after a while as everyone left and we ended up staying really late, but it was fun. The only thing was the food was only so-so and kind-of fast-food-like and not very good. AND there was a band playing right behind us, like not even a foot away. My chair was right against one of the musician's chair. So the music was really loud and it was hard to talk. We had to yell to hear each other. So, I enjoyed the group, but I don't think I want to go to that restaurant again.

I have a paranormal group meetup tomorrow morning before I meet my dad. That should be fun, too, but it will be a smaller group of only 9 people. The guy arranged it at this tiny Starbucks with only two tables, so we'll have to sit outside, probably. There's not even that much room on the patio, so I don't know. I don't know why he picked that one when there's a larger one right across on the other side of the highway. But, what can I say? I won't get to meet everyone, though, because they had to make another meeting the next day since the place was so small. I wish I could meet more of them, though. Oh well. Still, I look forward to meeting more people and maybe making some friends.

Anyway, lunch is almost ready, so that'll be it for this post. But at least I did something fun for once instead of being bored at home. Nothing new on the job front, though, but I'll keep you posted.

A little bummed...

2007-10-03T09:38:00.000-07:00

I may have had a post on my other blog with a similar or exactly the same title. I don't know. But every so often, when I think there's a job that I will get, it sucks when I don't get a call back. Really, the last interview, it seemed like they were desperate. Why didn't I get that one? Am I really that awful? Was it something I said in the interview? I thought it went really well. I can't think of anything that would make them not want to hire me, except maybe that there was still someone better out there. But that makes me pretty bummed, like maybe I'm not that great a photographer or something. Obviously, I'll keep trying, but it's hard not to let it get to me. It does get to me. Why wouldn't it get to me? I just feel like no one's ever going to want to hire me if I didn't get that one. Who could possibly want to hire me more than those people? No one.

Well, I can't give up, of course. I've got to keep trying. I just wish I'd get a job soon so I don't have to worry any more. I'm sick of job-hunting. I'm sick of looking at listings, I'm sick of interviews, I'm sick of getting turned down. Really. There's only so much of this I can take, you know?

I have a couple of things to do this week, though. I signed up for some groups on Meetup.com. So, there's a meeting tomorrow night at dinner at a restaurant I've never been to before. It's a pizza place, so it will be a challenge to stay on my diet that night, but I think I can do it. Then, I have another one Saturday morning. We'll see how they go. Obviously, I don't have to go to any more group meetings if I don't like that particular group, but maybe I'll at least make friends. It gets lonely without R bugging me all the time. I don't get to see H very often either. So, it will be nice to meet some new people.

I haven't been wanting to update this blog for a while, I guess. Most of it's just being down all the time. Plus, I don't feel like I have much going on. I don't have that many interviews and when I do there's not much to say about them. So, we'll see how things go. It's hard to be optimistic when I keep applying for jobs and nothing ever happens, not even an interview.

Another interview in the map-impaired city

2007-09-25T09:40:00.000-07:00

For those of you who haven't read my earlier post about an interview in Austin, I'll tell you one thing. There are no decent maps of Austin. I have no idea how this happens, but every single map I've ever gotten of Austin was wrong and I always get lost. So, why did I apply for a job in this crazy city? I don't know. Can't find anything closer to home maybe. But it's hard to find my way around over there because of the problem with the maps. The good thing was that they had directions posted on their website. The problem was that they were worded confusingly, so I wasn't sure if I'd find it. I printed a map, fully aware that it might not help.

Luckily, this time I made the correct guesses where the directions lacked clarity, as opposed to last time in Austin when I didn't and got lost. So just lucky, I suppose. The interview was fine, nothing major. Really short after a long drive to get up there, though. But it was a relief to get it over with. I was majorly anxious the day before. I don't know if it was an anxiety attack or what, but it made me extremely nauseous and I felt really ill all day. That evening, however, I somehow managed to relax, trying to convince myself that the reason for my anxiety is that I haven't gotten my Trileptal yet. It's late arriving and I'm out. I've been out for several days and I have no idea what's taking the shipment so long. That's something I have to try to find out today if I can. So that's one thing a job will be good for. Insurance. No more ordering drugs from Canada. Dear old Canada, what would I do without you right now? Go crazy I suppose as that's what's happening without my meds. Ahhh! Hurry! Hopefully today, but we'll see.

Today I feel fine, although I still have little twinges of anxiety here and there. I manage to relax after, but I try to keep my mind on something else and it hasn't escalated to the point of a full-on attack like Sunday. I just didn't expect that to be a symptom I'd get from lack of a mood stabilizer. It seems more like something that would happen if I was out of Zoloft or something instead. It's not like I'm a doctor or anything, though. Anyway, maybe I'd better get off the computer and figure out where my meds are and maybe get out of the house. I need to get something to read at the library and go to the post office to mail my "thank you" card to the guy who interviewed me yesterday. Then, I can come home and look through job listings again.

Back to job-hunting

2007-09-17T10:18:00.000-07:00

Wouldn't it be great if job-hunting meant I just had to go out into the woods with a shotgun? Really, if that's all it took to snag one, I think I could do it. I mean, I hate guns, but if I really need medical insurance, I might suck it up and manage it for a while. I might not bag a really beautiful 10-prong photography job, but I'm sure I could get something. Instead, this piling through listings over and over again hurts my eyes and puts me to sleep. This daily tedium is a little much for me. I try to act on leads, but it only goes so far. I'm either under-qualified or over-qualified. It sucks to be stuck in the middle. When I find one of those jobs that I think I'd be perfect for, there always someone out there who's more perfect than me. So I won't bore you with a listing of every job I've applied for. But once in a while there's one I'm really excited about and I hope I get called for an interview. That job of the moment is Texas State University. It's in San Marcos, TX and they need a photographer. Really, I'm in Texas and I'm a photographer. How great is that? I'm sure they want more, but I not only do I have experience in photography, but I have a degree. I can do film or digital. I can do processing. And really, how often is it that there's a photographer out there who loves working in the darkroom? Many out there are thrilled with the advent of digital photography because it means they get out of the darkroom. Personally, I miss it. I enjoy the wonders of Photoshop as much as the next person. It's a fun program after all. But nothing is really like that experience in the darkroom when you're waiting for a print to develop and it finally darkens in the developer and you see it's the perfect image you were waiting for. Nothing beats poring over contact sheets with a loupe and a Sharpie. I miss all of that. It's silly, I know. Plus, I just got addicted to that stink of the chemicals and the perfect control of your image (unlike when you send it to a lab to be finished) in the enlarger. But, I digress...I just think that it would be nice to work for a university and be connected with education somehow. Maybe it would help me to get my masters degree like I've wanted to do. That would be great, too.

The problem is that I tend to get all excited about the possibilities and probably end up jinxing myself out of the job. I'm sure there are other qualified applicants out there. I'm not fooling myself into thinking my portfolio is so stupefyingly amazing that they can't wait to hire me, either. I wish that were so, but then again, maybe that would put me into the over-qualified category again. I don't know. Technically, they did say they wanted someone with 3 years experience, but I'm hoping my combination of experience and education will count for something. We'll see. Usually I hope for these things, but they don't come true. But I remember when there was the time I got hired for the photography job at Clear Channel and that was the job I really wanted at the time. (That job did come available recently, but they didn't hire me back--super-discouraging).

I do have a couple of book recommendations, though. I recently read Red River by Lalita Tademy. I may have mentioned this book earlier in my blog, but maybe not. It's really her family history, but it involves the famous massacre in Colfax, Louisiana that Louisiana history dubs as a race riot. Even other newspapers of the day called it a massacre. Either way, the story is riveting and continues on to tell the aftermath and what it was like for former slaves trying to make better lives for themselves. I'm sure I had other recommendations after that, but that's the book that sticks out in my memory. And recently, I read Jo Bannister's The Tinderbox that tells of the homeless communities in London, England. The story was interesting, about a man whose daughter went missing 6 years earlier and who now believes his daughter is living homeless in London. There is a commentary near the beginning about the shortfalls of community programs and aid there are for the homeless, but most of the story involves this man's dedication and love for his daughter, no matter what she has done in the interim. Of course, I'm still convinced that the lack of programs and funding to help the mentally ill probably contributes to the rate of homeless in the world, but that's beside the point. Obviously there is a lot to be done to help if enough people would just commit to making some very fundamental changes to policy. It should be simple to fix, but it's not and it will take a coordination of efforts. But it's possible. Anyway, read the book. It's a good story, full of danger and suspense.

Well, that's it for this post. Check back later for more job-hunt progress reports (I'm trying to stay optimistic) and hopefully some good news.

NJ

2007-09-10T11:03:00.000-07:00

Well, this is long overdue. I've been back a week already and I have yet to mention a thing about my trip. It was really fantastic. I had a great time and hated to leave. It was great seeing IP and the fam. I wish we lived closer to each other. My first day was exhausting, although I did sneak some Wheat Thins on the plane so that I wouldn't starve to death. Security in SA was a breeze. Really, I expected worse. The thing that took forever was that they had to hand-search my bag of 35mm film. I wish I had a digital camera, but maybe someday I'll have the money. I looked into selling off my old cameras to buy a new digital SLR, but I wouldn't have made enough money out of all of them to compensate for a new camera. Oh well. Anyway, the flights went about as smoothly as you can expect. The commuter jet from St. Louis wasn't as small as the last one I'd been on, although my carry-on bag still didn't fit in the overhead bin (but at least the plane had an overhead bin--I've been on one that didn't) but we didn't have to descend from the jetway and climb on the plane via the door, so it was markedly better. I arrived in Philadelphia and tried to navigate to where I thought IP would be waiting for me, but I got there and so no familiar faces and I started to get nervous. Did I take a wrong turn? Luckily, I'd been smart enough to program her number into my phone, so I called her and she just said she'd been stuck in traffic and she was about 10 minutes out. Whew!

So I went down to baggage claim because that was where the exit was and waited down there on a bench and read. It didn't seem nearly 10 minutes before IP called and said she was outside, so I went out and found her. She gave me a big hug, and I waved to the kids, who were smiling big as well. I was really relieved to have made it and to have been found. IP was really apologetic, but I assured her it was okay. I was surprised at how big the kids were now. Natalie had been 4 when I saw her at R's wedding, but she was now 9 years old. And the little baby Ryan is now 6 because he just had a birthday! Wow. Before we did anything, we just wanted to get back into NJ, so we left Philadelphia and crossed the river. Then we thought we'd try to find something to eat that wouldn't be too unhealthy for me. First we tried Applebee's and followed the exit signs off the highway before IP remembered that it had burned down recently. So we tried to find something else and IP saw a sign for this place called Panera Bread, which is a chain, but we don't have one here in SA. But it was all soups and sandwiches, so I chose a bowl of French onion soup and an apple for a side. Poor IP had to run out and make a phone call, though, because she said her mom's friend passed away about 20 minutes earlier and she needed to talk to the medical examiner. This ended up taking forever as arrangements hadn't been made. I felt sorry for IP dealing with this, and it ended up taking up the next day with phone calls, too.

But that evening we were just talking and talking and it ended up being after midnight when we went to bed! Luckily that week she was on vacation. The next day we went to Grounds for Sculpture. It's really hard to describe. But it's this large park area where there are lots of outdoor sculpture that the kids could touch. Plus, there were indoor galleries there, too, which were housing glass exhibits at the time we were there. And the grounds were landscaped and there were hidden alcoves with sculptures and places to explore, so the kids loved it. There were other sculptures that were 3-D renditions of famous paintings like Manet's Dejeuner sur l'Herbe. There was a pretty water garden there, too, which was near the beginning.

That took a good portion of the day there, but it was fun and it was pleasant weather and not too hot.

The next day we had to go to Philadelphia to help IP's mom fill out some paperwork for the funeral home to do the cremation. IP's mom speaks English fine, but she's always afraid she's not understanding something right. So, we decided we'd go over there and help her out in the morning, then do something else while we were there. So the morning was spent at IP's mom's store, where we ended up helping a few customers in addition to the paperwork as Mom ran to fax the paperwork when it was finished. Then, we went to the U Penn Museum of Archaeology and Anthropology. The garage was expensive, so we parked by meter and paid for 2 hours. The museum was really cool with a lot of Egyptian artifacts, but we realized it was going to take longer than 2 hours. So, we got something to eat and IP ran out to pay the meter. She could only pay for another hour as it was only 3 hour parking, though. So we had to skip a lot of stuff, including the Polynesian exhibit and some cool artifacts from Ur, which is one of the oldest cities. We ran briefly through China and Japan, then ran upstairs to where the mummies were, which is what the kids wanted to see. Overall, it was a nice museum. I just wish we could have seen everything. Then, IP drove me by the Rocky steps at the Museum of Fine Art (again, something else I would have loved to see, but it was getting toward rush hour and it was $7 to park, plus whatever the museum admission would have been--and the museum was HUGE--I doubt we could have seen much of it). I took some pictures of the steps for Dad, though, as I'm sure he'd wish he'd seen them, although I couldn't get any shots of the statue as it was hidden behind parked cars and pedestrians.

The next day was Ryan's belated birthday party. He didn't get to have his party on his actual birthday because he and Natalie were in Illinois visiting family. So he had his party that day and a few of his friends made it for a wading pool and sprinkler sort of water party. Plus there was pizza, a pinata, and cake and ice cream. So the kids loved it. One of the favors IP had picked were these temporary tattoos, so the kids put those on as soon as they got them. IP and I ran out later and got groceries at one point, and we stayed up talking a little more. I thought the kids would pass out, but they were excited because the next day we planned to go to New York. Natalie kept telling me about the cool Toy's 'R Us that's there and she hoped we'd see it. It was actually hard to get the kids to sleep at night. They were sharing a room so that I could have Natalie's room. Apparently, the only way they could do this was by putting a camp cot in Ryan's room for one of them to sleep on as Ryan only had a twin bed. I felt horrible that Natalie was supposed to sleep in the cot the whole week and a half that I'd be there, but the kids would actually fight over who "gets to sleep in the cot". So, I felt bad for nothing.

The next day, I was as jazzed as could be. We had to stop first at IP's hubby Travis' work. Poor guy had been fighting with this one air conditioner all week as it kept shutting down. As he's a manager it was sort-of his responsibility to take care of it. So we went over there on a Sunday and checked it, and it wasn't working. But there was a ping pong table in one corner of the warehouse, along with a badminton net. So IP and I played badminton a while and the kids played ping pong. Then we switched around until everyone got to play everything. We were thoroughly exhausted by the time Travis said it was time to go. I was hoping we weren't too tired to walk around Manhattan. But a cool sip of water was all we needed to perk up and the drive over wasn't too bad. We drove to Staten Island first. Then, we took the passenger ferry across to Manhattan. It was a great view, actually, and I took a few photos.

It's not actually 1998, of course. It's the stupid camera malfunctioning. I'd actually SET it to NO DATE.

We took the shuttle bus to the train station, passing by the WTC site. It's mostly blocked off, but you could see through rips in the plastic sheeting of the construction being done there. It's just sad that they have to do anything like that at all, though. All the buildings are so close together there, too. I mean, it must have been awful that day.

Anyway, Travis was the only one who could figure out the subway maps, so he took us to the right spot and told us to go up to 53rd street then turn right to get to MoMA. He was taking the kids to Central Park. I think we were on 8th Ave, but I could be wrong. No we were on Broadway, I think because we met there later and walked to Times Square. Well, whatever. We walked up to 53rd Street, then turned right and kept going and going and going past block after block after block. We finally came to the end of 53rd Street and we were in a questionable neighborhood. IP called Travis and he said the equivalent of "Oops, I meant turn left", so we turned around and walked all the way back, stopping to get something to eat. IP got a sandwich and I got a chicken pita. To save time, we ate as we walked. The great thing about Manhattan is that there are trash cans every so often, so we could discard our litter before we got to the museum. And the museum was this huge site with buildings across the street, too. But it had been blocked off from view because of this work being done next door and this huge wooden awning type thing to protect pedestrians. Anyway, we got in and we knew ahead of time that admission was $20 because we'd looked online. We also knew they closed at 4:30, so we wanted to be sure to see what we wanted to see. For me that was the paintings. The rest of it was stuff I don't really find all that interesting, like architecture and set design. So we went up and saw the painting and sculpture. There were some really famous paintings there, which I'd been hoping to see, including Van Gogh's Starry Night and some of Jackson Pollock's drip paintings. They had lots of Rothko, Stella, Judd, etc., too. But mostly, if you're a huge Picasso fan, that's the place to go. There are tons and tons of his paintings there. Really, I was never a huge Picasso fan. I can appreciate his work, but it doesn't really get to me the way other paintings can. But we saw what we came to see, then browsed the museum store. They had some cool things, but it was all expensive. I mean, I guess they're assuming only rich people go to museums or something, I don't know. I saw a cool keychain, but it was $12, whereas I wanted to spend about $7 or less. So I didn't buy it, but there was a sign saying there was more in the store across the street. We walked over there and looked around. It was stuff that was more expensive than we'd just seen, including some furniture and housewares. I'll admit, it was cool and all with unique styling and sometimes ingenious features. Really, if I could have afforded it, I'd have gone crazy in that store. But I finally splurged and bought the $12 keychain (one of the cheaper souvenirs). It's really cool, though, because it's designed in a ring and other smaller rings attach to it, but can easily be removed if you need to.

After that, we met up with the rest of the fam, and we walked to Times Square.

Along the way we saw MTV Studios and a group of fans waving to a band as they were leaving the studio. I have no idea who the band was, but we saw them through the window. IP took this shot with me and the kids:
It was tons of fun, and we saw the Toys 'R Us that Natalie was raving about. It was HUGE. 4 stories! There was this ferris wheel inside that people were riding and lots of demonstrations in-store, plus the displays were cool. There was a huge mechanical dinosaur by a section of Jurassic Park toys. There were other sections, including some imported stuff from Germany or Japan or whatever (Diddles and Hello Kitty). We were tired by then as it was almost dinner. Before we got to the store the kids had been complaining about how tired they were. Of course, they had boundless energy when they saw the toy store. We literally had to drag them screaming out of the store, which I'm sure is a common occurrence to the employees there. Of course, upon leaving the kids resumed their complaining. Then, we reached the subway and got on a train and suddenly the kids perk up, wanting to stand up in the car. Then, they see someone cross from our car and walk through to the next car. Now they want to do that, too. Of course, we adults could barely move. Luckily it wasn't long in between trains when we had to change, and we were coming out of the station and IP was hanging back with the kids, who resumed being tired. Now they want water. Travis and I were at the top of the stairs already, though. Travis said he saw a place and we were going to stop. IP said there was water right down there. But Travis insisted. So they came up and we crossed the street right to my favorite place, Starbucks. I got an iced nf sfv caramel macchiato and Natalie wanted one, too. She'd tasted one that IP had gotten me on the way to Philadelphia. So Travis got her one, too. Ryan got little E's favorite vanilla milk. IP and Travis got Ethos water. Natalie raved about her drink. I think Ryan was cheered when I told him the vanilla milk was my nephew's favorite drink, too. Now the kids are happy. We get on the shuttle bus and have plenty of room to sit down (as opposed to the adults having to stand when we first arrived--I guess that's what made the kids want to stand on the train because they thought it was cool). When we arrived by the ferry, I saw people selling cheap t-shirts 2 for $5. I wanted to get some. The first stand wasn't really anything. So we crossed the street and I got one that said I Love NY and another that was cool. Natalie and Ryan both got the I Love NY ones and wanted to wear them immediately. The ferry ride was really pleasant. We got to stand at the front of the boat again and got the most perfect view of the Statue of Liberty, but my camera malfunctions wouldn't allow me to take a picture. I wasn't too happy about that, of course. But the weather was great and the kids had a blast.

The next day, Travis had to go to work, but IP was still off, so she took us all to the beach. The weather was beautiful. It was 72F, the water was 70F, which seems cold but really wasn't. We meant to stay there a couple of hours. This was at Ocean City Beach Park or something like that. I can't remember the name. But it was a park, and the beach was beautiful, with waves almost as high as the ones in Hawai'i, but not quite. The water was beautiful. Natalie and I collected shells. Ryan was looking for crabs because he used to have some as pets. Then, IP saw what looked like a shallow place in the water and wanted to take the kids over. I rested with my sunglasses to take a break and hoped to not get a migraine from all the sunshine. But it was relaxing just to be there. IP came back after a while and said it was actually a sandbar out there and it was really pretty. So I went back with Natalie (the water was too deep for me to take Ryan as I'm not tall enough to carry him). It wasn't too steep of a drop, but then, as soon as you were down it was time to go back up. I guess it was low-tide because IP said she's been there lots of times and the sandbar was never there. But the sand was firm and the waves were lower there. On top of the sandbar it was only about ankle deep water. But it was nice and Natalie and I found a lot more shells. After that, IP and I took turns resting and going out to the sandbar. Before we knew it, we'd been there 4 1/2 hours! So we went to the bathhouse and showered and changed so we could get something to eat. On the way out of the park, we saw a sign advertising "Kids Eat Free", but the sign didn't say the name of the restaurant. So we went to the one that looked closest to the sign, only to see the menu by the door and the prices indicated that kids did not actually eat free. And everything was $20 and UP! I don't think I've ever paid that much for a meal in my life (of course, I'm poor--maybe that isn't that much to other people, but it is to me). I told IP to go somewhere else, but she said it was okay. I argued a little, but she insisted, so we went in. The restaurant was upstairs. Luckily when we got the menus there were some less expensive options, but all the healthy dishes were the expensive ones. I wasn't about to let IP pay that much for a meal for me, so I picked a fried fish sandwich, thinking it wouldn't be that much. It was. It was a big sandwich, with 4 fillets of fish. Of course, that doesn't excuse me because I still could have saved some of it, but I didn't. I was starving. I ate the whole thing. It used up every flex point I had that day and I never use all my flex points. Usually I use about half of them tops. Oh well. I was on vacation. So then we got back home and talked and relaxed. It was just a really beautiful day. We all ended up with sunburn, though, especially IP. Her back was beet red. We were all slathering ourselves in aloe that night.

The next few days, IP worked and I stayed and watched the kids. They didn't require a lot of supervision, just making sure they didn't fight too much or bother the dogs too much as Ryan has a tendency not to let them go when they're tired of him. He's been bitten before, but that doesn't stop him for some reason. Wednesday, IP and I went to pick up IP's delivery of vegetables from the organic farm. They deliver to one person's house as she went in threesies with two of her friends for a CSA membership. Then, they divide up the delivery between themselves. So IP went to her friend's house to get her share, which included some heirloom vegetables and an heirloom watermelon, which IP said wasn't enough for 3 people to share and she got one last week. So she let her friend keep it. Her friend let us taste it and it was super-juicy and delicious, though. IP was hoping there would be others so she'd get one to herself. Then, Thursday night was supposed to be the mother-daughter book club meeting, but when we got to the woman's house for the meeting, she had canceled it as her toddler had fallen in the bathroom and was bleeding from his privates. She wanted to rush him to the emergency room as she didn't know how bad it was and the bleeding wouldn't stop. Of course, IP said that was fine and she'd watch the kids for her as the woman had 3 other kids. The woman didn't want IP to do that and said her husband could take the little one, but IP said that wasn't good. She knew they'd both rather be there. So when the husband got home they both rushed out with him and took him to the ER (where there was supposed to be quick admittance for children's injuries). Her kids were no trouble at all to watch, although the baby cried for about 45 minutes instead of the promised 5 minutes at bedtime. The other two kids were older and went to bed exactly at their bedtimes with no fuss whatsoever. When the parents got home, it was thankfully not too late and they were relieved that there wasn't any serious injury and all he needed was bandages. He was happy because he had a hospital bracelet and thought of the whole thing as an adventure once he found out he was going to the hospital. That made him forget about everything else, actually.

The next day, IP only worked a half day, so we went to the organic farm to pick our own produce (you can go once a week to pick your own in addition to the delivery with a CSA membership). The kids loved it as they were snacking on raspberries and blackberries while we were picking. It took a fairly long time as it was near dinner time when we finished and IP wanted to take me to dinner to thank me for babysitting. When we got home, though, we'd found a thank you card and a couple of bottles of wine from the mother of the injured toddler. She said she appreciated us helping her out the night before. Really sweet of her, but of course IP can have all the wine. We had to put the berries in a container as they were mashing in the bag we were carrying them home in. Then we went out to Applebee's for dinner so I could stick to the WW plan. The kids liked it, and I got to thank IP and Travis for everything as they'd paid for all my food, transportation, museum admissions, etc. while I'd been there and I said it didn't feel like anything more than a vacation and I had a lot of fun. They said they'd enjoyed it, too, but they did appreciate me helping them out. Really, I didn't feel like I did them that big a favor, but it was sweet of them.

The next day, I flew home. The Philadelphia airport is confusing as hell. There's no clear signs saying where the terminals are. Really, it actually pointed to the right, when the entrance was on the left. Makes no sense at all. AND, not only did they need to hand search my film, but they needed to search my bag. So I waited in a little glass-enclosed room while they checked my film in this little machine. It took longer than hand-searching really, because the machine had to do whatever it needed to do for each roll of film when they could easily have just looked themselves and seen what was in there. Then she had to look in my bag, and she saw all my little bottles of pills and realized that was what had shown up in the x-ray. The x-ray couldn't tell if it was liquid or not, and I guess they thought I'd be smuggling tons of itty bitty bottles of liquids to San Antonio. It took forever and seemed to really be overkill. But anyway, the flight from Philly to Dallas was long, but nothing awful. The only thing was that I was hungry and I planned to get something in Dallas when we landed as the pilot said we'd arrive early. Not so. We arrived late. I had no layover at all. We landed as my other flight was supposed to be boarding. AND I had to run through 3 terminals to get to the one my flight was leaving from. There was a tram, but it was slow. Really, I expected to hear the last boarding call as I ran to the gate (if they held the flight for me), but they were late departing as the plane hadn't arrived yet. Okay, so there was a little relief. I looked around to see if there was something quick I could grab to eat, but there were nothing but stores and sit-down restaurants, which I doubted I had time for. Great. So I'm holding on to my suitcase for dear life as I'm so light-headed I feel like I'm going to pass out. That's what happens when you don't have time for breakfast and planes don't serve free food anymore. So I'm changing my mind about the paying for food and deciding I'm desperate to pay too much for a tiny bag of peanuts or whatever the plane is serving. By the time we board, I'm exhausted and can barely stand. Then, I find out there's no snack on this flight. I took another dose of dramamine and ordered a diet Sprite. But instead of giving me the can as the flight attendants had done on ALL the other flights I'd been on, she filled this little thimble-sized plastic cup and moved on. Great. The day I need some energy, I get the tiny cup only. So then, I'm waiting until San Antonio. I arrived and ran out of the plane as fast as I could. The San Antonio airport is small, so I didn't expect trouble finding Mom, but there was this huge party waiting for a soldier coming home from Iraq and I couldn't see anyone else. Of course, I wasn't thinking clearly and I missed her completely. Then, we go outside and it's sprinkling, but stuffy and hot and nothing like the beautiful weather in NJ. Still, I couldn't wait to get home. Mom promised Sonic, but I didn't want to be that bad. She reminded me I'd had nothing to eat, and I remembered that a chicken strip dinner is 17 points and I had 18 points to use. So yes, Mom go to Sonic. It was delicious, but I ate it way to fast and made myself sick. Still, I hadn't been bad like that in a long time. Plus, Bucky missed me tremendously and it felt so good to hug him after so long. He felt tiny after petting IP's dogs, though! But I missed his sweet little face. But if he'd been with me up there I wouldn't have wanted to come home. Maybe he and I will move to New York someday. Who knows? : )

Tropical Storm Erin and the ceiling hole

2007-08-17T07:49:00.000-07:00

Normally, a tropical storm heading right for Texas doesn't scare me. Usually, we just have some rain and that's about it. But this one seemed to be moving unusually slowly and the eye passed right over Bexar county. Really, by the time it got to Bexar county, I didn't expect it to have an eye anymore, but there you go. And for anyone not in this area, it's pronounced like "Bayer", not the actual Bex-Ahr, like it's spelled. Like you didn't already think Texans are weird. Anyway, so I manage to make it to the pharmacy to drop off my prescriptions, but the way to the pharmacy isn't a route that floods. I had no idea how bad it was in the rest of the city until I turned on the news later. Apparently, there was heavy flooding all over town, including some normally dry creeks that overflowed and covered the roadways, washing away cars and SUVs. Many of the highways also flooded and had to be closed, making traffic an absolute nightmare. Causing accidents all over town, including some with fatalities and serious injuries. Causing high-water rescues to be so frequent that the emergency crews couldn't keep up. The winds were so high that some tornadoes were spawned north of here and west, too, I believe.

So, you'd think we're safe living on the 3rd floor and on a hill, right? Well, I'll admit there were no injuries. But Mom heard some water and thought it was her imagination until she heard a gush and some debris falling and...

Crash. This pic doesn't include the debris on the floor, of course, but it's a mess. Mom called the apartment office right away and they said they'd send someone, but no one came. You can tell how seriously they take us. You'd think that for $1000 a month we'd get some better service. AND they still haven't fixed the floodlights that are on our building. All of them are out and it's been a few weeks now. They even sent out a memo telling us how seriously they take the residents safety and security. It's DARK out there at night. I just hate to walk the dog out there, but what can I do? He's gotta go sometime. He can't hold it all night.

Anyway, if I have to I'll call them again. I don't want to be the "bitchy resident", but it isn't safe out there or in here either. Leaking water can be a health hazard, you know? It can lead to mold and even further damage, and if we get any more rain...I don't want to think about it.

Our Wonderful Vet

2007-08-15T09:23:00.000-07:00

Really, he must be the best vet in town. He has an encyclopedic memory. Every time I see him he remembers all kinds of stuff I told him from ages ago, and I know it's not in my file. It would be a book if it covered everything. Plus, he just instinctually knows stuff. I don't know how he does it, but often he doesn't need to do tests or anything because he knows what it is already. He's always right, too. So, I take Bucky in, and Bucky takes an immediate dislike to this Westie that's in the waiting room. I don't know what it was about the dog, but Bucky didn't like him. Other people came in later with other pets and he was fine with them. He just didn't like the Westie. Anyway, we get called in and Bucky is absolutely perfect. He doesn't growl or bite or even cry out when they give him his shots. Really, that's not what I expected after his last vet trip. He let them draw his blood for the heartworm test. He let the vet look at his teeth. He let them weigh him (4.14 pounds). He was just wonderfully well-behaved. I mentioned his teeth because I was concerned that I'd seen some brown stuff on them and I didn't want that to lead to any health problems. He hasn't been chewing on anything and he doesn't let me brush his teeth (really, he's as slippery as an eel---you try restraining him). So the vet thought immediately of this stuff that we can add to his water. It acts as a dental rinse, but it's safe for the dogs to drink. It cleans their teeth and will even help break down the stuff that's already there over time. GREAT! Perfect. Thank you! Although he did say that papillons are the poster dogs for periodontal disease, so Bucky is lucky his teeth aren't worse than they are. The vet thought they looked pretty good, but it's always good to do preventative care. I don't want it to lead to heart disease or anything. And the Heartguard stuff made him throw up, so they suggested this other thing called Iverheart that's a chewable pill, but it should be easier to take. He got his Advantage. He's all set.

I gave him the Iverheart the next day, because I didn't know if it would upset his stomach and I didn't want to give it to him the same day he had the nervous experience of the vet's office and shots. Still, he took it just fine. He even seemed to like the flavor. Great. The water additive seems to have no flavor or scent at all. They drink the water normally and didn't even sniff it like it smelled funny or anything. Great. Great.

Today it's just chore day. I started off with a mammoth laundry experience. Pretty much everything I own got thrown in there. Then, I vacuumed at that seemed to wear my shoulders out. Mom got this old-type vacuum that's the kind you roll around on the ground, but doesn't need attachments. While the not needing attachments part sounds great, the problem is that you have to hold the tube part out at a specific angle to get it to roll forward and now my shoulders are killing me from hunching over. Yes, even I, at 4'9", had to hunch over. I miss our old upright vacuum, even if I had to use attachments. It's a small price to pay for no sore shoulders, you know? I was going to clean the bathroom, but maybe I'll do that tomorrow. I don't think my back can take any more punishment today.

Anyway, that's about it. I'm glad Mocha Momma got her blog back up and running. I don't have a link to her site, but I'll have to add it on my list. For a while she was saying she wasn't going to blog anymore, so I thought I didn't need it, but now, if she's back, I'll have to add the link. She's pretty cool. : )