Shutting down

I may be shutting down this blog soon. I haven't been feeling up to writing and the gaps between posts seem to be getting longer and longer. I apologize for this to anyone who might be reading, but it's obvious that I don't have the energy to keep this up. I can't begin to describe how fatigued I am all the time and how much it takes out of me every time I do anything at all. I need to move out by April, which MAY mean I have to go back to work yet again (hopefully will be able to STAY there, although haven't had any luck so far). I doubt I'll be able to do this and keep up with everything else. My sister came for a visit for about 3 days and I'm feeling completely wiped out for the past 3 days. I can't imagine how I'll feel going to work every day. I can hardly stay awake right now. I used to fall asleep at my desk at work, or go home and nap when I worked out of my car. I have always had this issue for as long as I can remember. I know it's not normal, but the doctors I've seen so far don't seem to be concerned about this at all. I have no faith in them whatsoever. My only chance at getting better, I think, is to either get on disability and then on Medicare or Medicaid (although that's only because I'd see actual medical doctors instead of medical students) or else going to work and getting actual medical insurance (which is better than nothing, although I'd prefer national health care---I'd love to move to Canada or France). So, barring any of those things, which don't seem likely at this point, I have no idea what to do. I feel horrible and no one seems to care. No one knows how to help me. I'm still depressed. I just need to take care of myself right now and I don't even have the energy to do that. I'll still think about this for a few days, but right now, I think I might as well shut down.

Recovery

Everyone is now adjusting to the loss of my uncle. Of course, he was my favorite uncle or I wouldn't be so distraught. But we all know it was for the best considering how much pain he was in. That's the only thing that helps us now. It has been a few weeks, so everyone had gone back to his or her routine. My grandmother is taking it the hardest since she'd already lost my aunt and now she lost a son. Her brother-in-law passed not long ago. It's all been really hard for her. As long as she's keeping busy, she seems fine, but as soon as she's alone for a while, she dwells on the losses and gets really down. We all think she should be on an anti-depressant, but she doesn't want to take it.

Other than that, I had my 40th birthday. No party or anything, but I spent the day with my dad, eating out and then a little shopping. He'd given me a gift card to Bath and Body Works, so I wanted to spend it during their Hello Yellow Sale. : P

My friend "I", whom I haven't seen in nearly 5 years, came to visit for a couple of days. Her family came down to Texas mainly to visit her husband's family who have been dealing with illnesses and I's family wanted to spend time with them just in case. She had time to take me to lunch (I thought I was going to pay for mine, but she wanted to pay for it as a birthday gift). We went to Sushihana, which is obviously a Japanese restaurant here in town. The service was excellent and the food was amazing. Everyone loved it, even I's teenage daughter who didn't even want to try it if it wasn't sushi. At the end, I ordered dessert. She ordered 2 different ones for all of us to share (there were 4 of us), but the waiter overheard her say it was my birthday and brought a tiny one just for me of the green tea creme brulee. It was sooooooo good. : )

I spent the rest of the day with I and her family. We went back to the hotel where her husband and son told us about their trip to HEB, which they'd obviously missed. Everyone there was really friendly toward them, which they say they don't get in the northeast. Her son had gotten a lot of Jelly Belly jelly beans which he was sharing among everyone, although I was really too full from lunch to have many of them.

Anyway, my twin sis R is going to be visiting soon, too. I'm really looking forward to seeing her. She just got back from New York, so I'm sure I'll hear more about her trip. She posted her pictures on Facebook, but I'm sure she'll have more.

I've taken up crocheting since I couldn't afford to keep buying beads. They're really expensive and yarn is relatively cheap and takes a while to work. I've made a lot of things since this past winter when I started and am now working on my first tank top. Before it was afghans, scarves, and socks. I hope it goes well because I want to make other clothes and some gifts for friends for Christmas and birthdays coming up.

So, some good things have happened to take away the sting. I'm glad I got to spend so much time with my uncle before he passed. He really had a great sense of humor and was a really sweet person.

Update on my uncle

My uncle passed away just before Memorial Day and was buried the day after with military honors. It was a very moving ceremony and my heart is with my family right now. Everyone seems to be doing relatively well, although I'm most concerned with my grandmother and aunt. My grandmother had to be put on Xanax because of all of this. I'm hoping that she will start to come to terms with the loss now that the funeral has passed. My uncle was a very fun person to be around and will be greatly missed.

My uncle

Was able to see my uncle twice in the past few weeks. I wish it could have been more, but the gas to Houston is horrendous and we're soooooo broke right now. He looks like the cancer patient he is and very, very thin. He hardly has any energy even to talk, but he was very touched that we visited him, esp. since I hadn't seen him in a long time. I feel so guilty that I haven't seen more of him. He's a cool guy, I think. When he was in his 60s, he wanted to play basketball and went to the park. There were some teenagers there and he asked if he could play. Afterward, they were pretty surprised that he could play that well and that he'd beaten them so badly! We had home videos of a Christmas when I was very little where he got a basketball as one of his gifts. I asked who it was from. He said he probably gave it to himself! Anyway, I'm still wiped out from these visits and hardly able to check my e-mail, much less type something longer. Obviously, I have issues with fatigue, so this is hard for me.

The only good thing about all of this is that it's put me in touch with my cousins and my aunt again. I hope we can keep it up, even though we're in different cities. Will have to get their phone numbers from my sister, though. Anyway, I know my uncle is not doing well and getting weaker all the time. He is looking forward to dying since he's in so much pain right now. I wish he didn't have to go through that. I'm so sad about all of this.

Family issues

I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've been having family issues. My uncle is ill and we just found out that there is nothing more the doctors can do for him. I'm going to be going to Houston soon to say goodbye. : (

What am I going to do?

To my family, I'm sorry I'm like this. I wish I could be normal and go back to work. Maybe you think I'm fine and that I should be able to function like this, but I'm obviously not doing that or I'd still be working. I would be able to get up and take care of my room and shower more often, etc. Maybe you think I'm exaggerating or being lazy, but I'm not. It takes a lot of effort to do the little I do. It takes tons of energy just to get out of bed. I'm tired of making excuses. No one ever believes me. But really, I wish I could talk to you about this. I wish you'd understand. I know you don't or you wouldn't be upset at me. I feel like you'd be better off without me so I wouldn't be such a burden on you. That's the way you make me feel. I know you think that if you're unkind I will "snap out of it" and go back to work. But that's not how it's actually making me feel. Maybe you're just frustrated at my lack of progress. Surely, you know I feel the same way. I'm frustrated. But I wish I could talk about this with you. I can talk to the doctor, but that's not the same as getting understanding from your family. I feel like you don't want me around. Well, maybe you don't want me around if I'm depressed. Too bad. That's the way I am. I wish I was different. I wish I could be the happy, sunny person you want to be around. I may never be like that. I hope so, but it doesn't seem likely at this point. I don't know whether I'll ever NOT be depressed. This has been going on longer than you realize. I've always tried to hide it. I was suicidal at 8 years old and possibly younger. I didn't know what to do about it or whom to talk to or how to talk about it. I never felt like you'd understand even then. Maybe it seems like it came out of the blue, but every time I've tried, you tell me I'm being stupid (that does NOT make me feel better, by the way) or that I'm fine and stop acting like that. If it was that simple, do you think I'd be going around trying to kill myself? Who WANTS to feel like that? But really, I don't get the feeling that you'd rather have me around. I feel unwanted and unloved. I'm just a burden to you and nothing else. I really wish I could go out on my own and forget about you.

Bucky

Today, I had to take my dog, Bucky to the vet. It was supposed to be routine, just a heartworm test and rabies vaccine. However, when I got there, I discovered that he needed 2 other vaccines (which I didn't have the money for--my dad had only given me money for the previous 2 items mentioned). I was very upset because then I ended up putting the extra on my credit card, which already has a $70 visit to Sam's on it, a $134 eye exam, and will have my contact lenses on it, too.

My appointment was at 10:00 am, which I was hoping was early enough for them not to get too far behind. However, they misplaced my chart and called everyone in but me. I wasn't too upset. Mistakes happen and they got me in as soon as I drew their attention to it. During his exam, though, the vet discovered that Bucky has a heart murmur. It's still in the early stages, she said, but he will require medication. I know this is one of those things that will progress and continue to get worse, but I'm hoping he has, at least, 3 years left, preferably more.

When I came back out into the waiting room, I chatted for a while with a woman a few years older than I who had a dog (Jack Russell terrier) with similar behavioral characteristics to Bucky. She had gotten a behavioral specialist (a "dog whisperer") to help her, but I said I couldn't afford that and explained why. She said she had medical expenses, too, and said she didn't have a lot of money either, but she was an animal lover and was worried about her dog because he'd somehow lost a toenail and was in pain. She just couldn't stand seeing him like that, so brought him to the vet anyway. I understood what she was saying, too, because I don't have children and Bucky is the only thing that keeps me going. If anything happened to him, I just couldn't stand it.

When I went to check out, I was dismayed to find out how high the bill was, then the woman I'd been chatting to said to put $20 of the bill onto her credit card. Of course, I couldn't allow her to do that, but she insisted. She said she had cancer and there was no cure, but she wanted to help me because she knew what it was like to have medical bills and not know how to pay for your pet's medications. I tried not to cry. It was so sweet of her to think of others when she had other things to be concerned with, like her own health. But she seemed to be fine and seemed like she was past being concerned about it and wanted to think of others instead. Really, I wish there was something I could do in return. She deserves to live a long and healthy life. Life can certainly be unkind to some of the nicest people. I wish I'd learned her name before she got called into the examining room. I just can't say enough how sweet that was of her. I know she'd have paid more if she could afford it.