Anxiety

My symptoms are mostly in the area of depression, however, I will also mention that I have problems with anxiety. This has somewhat lessened after being treated for the bipolar, however, I am still pretty anxious. I've always had this fear of someone sticking a needle in my foot. There are probably several reasons for this, but on is that I stepped on a sewing needle when I was 4 years old. This may not sound that traumatizing to a normal person. But for a child who was very tiny for her age, this needle went a good way through my foot and was a pretty wide needle used for embroidery. Then I had some traumatizing experiences when I was around 11 and so on for a few years with a sadistic dentist. I hate needles. Somehow this connected together in my mind. I can't sleep if my feet aren't covered. When I was on Zoloft, I had managed to work my way into wearing socks instead of having a blanket over them (this was preferable since my bedroom is so hot). But now I feel the familiar pangs of anxiety again and the socks aren't enough. I hate for my feet or anything else to hang off the bed. I have this sensation that I'm going to feel pain at any moment, so I yank it back up. This is horrible for when I'm just sitting there trying to read or work on the computer. Sitting with my legs up can cause problems with my circulation, so I hate to do it. But the anxiety over the needles is way stronger than my desire for adequate circulation.

Another of my fears is of doors being open. If I can see darkness in the closet at night, I'm always afraid someone is hiding in there waiting for me to fall asleep. It doesn't matter if I check there a hundred times before I try to sleep. If that door is open, I will not sleep. This has escalated to cabinets and drawers, although I know no one can hide in there. But I can't stand seeing that darkness inside. At first, I wasn't sure I could sleep in this bedroom because there isn't a door to the closet. Really, I have anxiety about it all the time. I take melatonin to help me sleep, but this is sometimes not enough. There are times when I resort to promethazine (which is given for severe nausea), which is a really strong tranquilizer. Even if I only take half the tablet, I will be groggy the next day, even if I manage to sleep well. I hate to take it, but being sleep deprived is worse.

The other major issue is my hand or something else touching the wall. Mainly this is at night, which is when my anxieties are strongest (although the social phobia can be at any time). But I've always been afraid of bugs crawling from my hand onto the bed. This could be that I've had this happen numerous times, including from ants, which I despise (especially the big ones we get here in TX). I had the window resealed, which helps, but the ants still get in sometimes. Any bugs are gross to me, so I really don't like them in the room. I actually have a very strong phobia of these nasty bugs that are usually associated with disease spreading, but which I cannot even write about because I hate seeing the word written down. I can't stand seeing cartoon ones, even. This may be a type of neurosis, which is much worse than a phobia. It's a phobia taken to a much higher level. Even worse, is that here in TX, these can be quite large and sometimes they fly. I will seriously freak out and scream and cry and generally panic. I'm just lucky that I haven't had too much experience with scorpions in my apartment, although that happened once. I've been other places where they were just everywhere but just not in the apartment. We did live in a house when I was little where there were black widow spiders in the garage. We knew this, but our toys were in there, so we were forced to go in there if we wanted to play with them. I'm sure my parents would have been horrified if they'd known. However, we had a tendency to exaggerate, so maybe they wouldn't have believed us anyway.

These are the main fears that I have although, obviously, not the only ones. I will speak to my new doctor about this because, so far, the treatment for bipolar disorder has not helped my anxiety much at all. Will probably relate more as it develops...

Nightmares and Anxiety

Big problem with me is anxiety. I know my dad was diagnosed with OCD when I was a kid, but he probably had some other problems that were never diagnosed. I know my therapist thought I had social anxiety disorder (I'd buy that. I didn't talk to anyone except my parents and my twin sister until I was 7 years old). But I know I've got other anxiety problems as well. I probably have some symptoms of OCD, although I don't do the usual ritualistic behaviors that my dad does. I just have general anxiety and obsessive thoughts associated with it. When I first started on anti-depressants, it helped a lot. I started being able to do things I'd never been able to do before, like sleep with a door cracked open or with my feet uncovered. I could talk to people I didn't already know. It was nice. But it seems like my anxiety symptoms are coming back. Actually, even on anti-depressants, I was still shy, just not cripplingly shy like before. But lately, I'm back to checking the doors to make sure they're all closed and covering my feet, etc. It bugs me that my closet in this apartment doesn't have a door, so there's this big black yawning space staring at me all night and it freaks me out sometimes. I have to sleep with the TV on (it lights up the room, but is dimmer than having the lamp on, so I'm still able to "sleep").

Sometimes my anxiety level gets so high, that I'll get nauseous and start throwing up over and over again and I can't stop (which is why I have promethazine tablets in my house). I'll start having tremors (probably tardive diskenesia ). I once became so short of breath that I thought I was having an asthma attack, but it turned out to be that there was no medical reason for it, so they blamed it on anxiety. I started having panic attacks shortly before my last trip to LA (no scarlet fever this time, yea!). I really did believe I would die if I got on that plane. Really, there was no doubt in my mind that it would happen. The only bright side I can see to that is that at least it was unappealing to me to die. So, the only thing I can think is that this must be somehow related to the bipolar disorder somehow, because my anxiety symptoms seemed to get worse as I got more depressed. However, on the Lamictal, I feel like I'm already not as depressed. But my anxiety has yet to get any better. I've been having nightmares every night for the past week. It's always something bad happening to a loved one. Last night, it was that my mother died and had probably been murdered. I woke up devastated and couldn't get back to sleep in my grief. I just couldn't believe it was just a dream. I was so relieved when I heard her wake up and walk her dog. I just dread what I'll dream tonight, if I can even get to sleep at all. Since I haven't been sleeping well, I've been groggy and unable to get anything done (well, less than usual anyway). I did, however, make an attempt to vacuum my bedroom, because they were "inspecting" our apartments the next day, only to find out that the vacuum is broken. Ugh. So, nothing has worked out lately.

My mom and I were going to go out to eat today (spending money neither of us actually had--but it's been months since we actually went out to eat that we felt like splurging--and it's finally gotten down below 100F). I had won a $50 gift card for this local wine bar. Neither of us really enjoy wine, but it's also a restaurant and somewhat reasonably-priced at lunchtime. So we've eaten there a couple of times. I still had $5 left on the card, so we'd have gotten a discount if we ate there today. We get to the restaurant, and I pull on the handle only to find the restaurant locked. They were totally closed and have discontinued lunch service altogether. Well, the place is too expensive at dinner, so I guess that's it. Goodbye, $5. We thought we'd see a movie then, but nothing was showing at the decent theaters that we really wanted to spend that much money on (already saw "District 9" a while back--it's really awesome, for those of you who haven't seen it). So that didn't work out either. I mean, we never do anything together and we so rarely go out that it was really disappointing. I did manage to pick up a "birthday cake" for my baby, but it took all my spending money for the week (no, the cake was not that expensive--I just really have that little spending money). I guess maybe it was good that we didn't see the movie or I'd have ended up putting it on my credit card (yet another bipolar topic altogether--already have one bankruptcy and don't want another). Anyway, it's just really hard to de-stress and relax when things have been the way they are. I know I should exercise, but it's 85-87F in my bedroom. It's just too hot to do it in there. Luckily, today it's only 81F since it's only 75F outside. I'd go hiking in a local park, except that it's also raining. Normally, that would make me feel bummed out, but we've been in a drought and we needed that rain sooooo badly. We've lucked out this summer in that there weren't any wildfires even though it was the hottest and dryest summer on record. But, it's not like I want to go traipsing around in mud, so no hiking. There's no mall near us. I just don't know what to do. I just feel like I never get to do anything fun and I'm always doing what everyone else wants me to do instead of what I want to do. I never get to make my own decisions it feels like. Well, I do have a bankruptcy, so maybe I can see why no one trusts me with money. Ugh. I just don't know what to do. I miss shopping. : (

Another interview in the map-impaired city

For those of you who haven't read my earlier post about an interview in Austin, I'll tell you one thing. There are no decent maps of Austin. I have no idea how this happens, but every single map I've ever gotten of Austin was wrong and I always get lost. So, why did I apply for a job in this crazy city? I don't know. Can't find anything closer to home maybe. But it's hard to find my way around over there because of the problem with the maps. The good thing was that they had directions posted on their website. The problem was that they were worded confusingly, so I wasn't sure if I'd find it. I printed a map, fully aware that it might not help.

Luckily, this time I made the correct guesses where the directions lacked clarity, as opposed to last time in Austin when I didn't and got lost. So just lucky, I suppose. The interview was fine, nothing major. Really short after a long drive to get up there, though. But it was a relief to get it over with. I was majorly anxious the day before. I don't know if it was an anxiety attack or what, but it made me extremely nauseous and I felt really ill all day. That evening, however, I somehow managed to relax, trying to convince myself that the reason for my anxiety is that I haven't gotten my Trileptal yet. It's late arriving and I'm out. I've been out for several days and I have no idea what's taking the shipment so long. That's something I have to try to find out today if I can. So that's one thing a job will be good for. Insurance. No more ordering drugs from Canada. Dear old Canada, what would I do without you right now? Go crazy I suppose as that's what's happening without my meds. Ahhh! Hurry! Hopefully today, but we'll see.

Today I feel fine, although I still have little twinges of anxiety here and there. I manage to relax after, but I try to keep my mind on something else and it hasn't escalated to the point of a full-on attack like Sunday. I just didn't expect that to be a symptom I'd get from lack of a mood stabilizer. It seems more like something that would happen if I was out of Zoloft or something instead. It's not like I'm a doctor or anything, though. Anyway, maybe I'd better get off the computer and figure out where my meds are and maybe get out of the house. I need to get something to read at the library and go to the post office to mail my "thank you" card to the guy who interviewed me yesterday. Then, I can come home and look through job listings again.