Still depressed

Was just wondering before, but now I'm sure. The slightest thing will set me off. I just feel like I'm crying all the time and I'm so sick of it. I, obviously, mean to post more often than I do. Usually, if I don't, it's because I'm not feeling well. I'm either too tired to compose anything (not that this is the best writing in the world) or else I just don't feel like doing anything at all. I'm not sure where I'm going with my treatment. Everything has been staying the same for a while and I'm not sure the doctor realizes how bad I'm really feeling. I've tried explaining this, but she says I look better. Well, yes, I'm better than before, but that doesn't mean I'm feeling well. I still feel sad a lot and very emotional. I'm irritable. I don't want to be around people and I don't feel like anyone really cares, understands, or knows how I am feeling. Yes, sometimes I feel like everyone is better off without me. That's the most common "automatic thought" I have.

I don't know whether I will get better. I don't know how I can. I don't think that what I'm doing is working, but I'm tired of being broke. I don't see how I can work when I can't handle relationships or any kind of stress. I'm not very responsible right now. I can hardly wash dishes or vacuum. I don't even always shower or brush my teeth. Is this fatigue or something else? Maybe both depression and my thyroid? It's hard to stay optimistic when any progress I've made is so slight. I just don't know what to do to get myself out of this situation. If I actually get on disability and then on Medicaid, will it really help with expenses? Will the doctors be any better? I don't see how. I don't even know whether it makes any difference at all. I don't know if anyone can help me.

Getting a new G.P.

I have been trying to get a new G.P. since the old one messed up my thyroid meds. I've been calling the Carelink number forever, and the message always says that due to a high volume of calls, they cannot accept my call. I tried several times a day and always got the same message. So, I called my usual Carelink representative and she told me she couldn't do it over the phone. This is just nonsense from her (or else her usual habit of saying something once and then saying something different at another time when faced with the same question) because she'd done this for me before over the phone. The first time, she assigned me someone all the way over on the south side of town. Then she assigned me the guy who messed up my thyroid meds. So, not doing a good job so far. She said I had to call the main Carelink number and basically got me off the phone. So, I continued to call the Carelink number and getting no response. Now, I'm out of my thyroid meds, even the bad prescription, which is better than NO prescription. I had the pharmacy call him for a refill, but he never responded (sounds like him because he never responded to my requests for further blood tests, either). So, I went back to the psychiatric office to see my usual Carelink representative in person this time. I had looked online and seen that there's another clinic, but the Carelink representative said there is a waiting list to get a doctor there. They don't even know how long it will be (yes, I figured they wouldn't know. Why would they? They don't know anything.) So, I asked what I could do in the meantime. She just said to go to the emergency clinic. Oh, yippee. I just love emergency clinics. Yuck! But, what else am I to do? I just hope they'll help me and not rely solely on the TSH test, which is inaccurate, especially with me. My TSH when I was first diagnosed was 877. How can that be accurate? I'd be dead! Ugh.

Another gripe...

Maybe some of my other gripes are pretty minor, but this one, I think, has justification. I go to my doctor's appointment on Tuesday, the one I really didn't think was necessary. I was a little early because I'd heard they'd moved the visitor and patient parking lot further down the block and I wasn't sure how far I'd have to walk. Plus, it was raining, so I allowed more time just for that. They got my information pretty quickly and then showed me to an examining room.

The previous time I'd been down there for an appointment, I'd had to wait a long time and I'd thought they'd forgotten about me. So I was prepared to wait a while. I kept looking at the clock. I'd been waiting for 30 minutes. 1 hour. 1 hour and 15 minutes. 1 hour and a half. Finally TWO HOURS later, the doctor came in. She offered no apology or explanation at all. She just said, "How are you feeling?" "Tired" was my reply, because I was trying not to go off on her. Perhaps I should have, I don't know.

The chair I'd had to wait in was really uncomfortable and my back was hurting pretty badly and I kept having to shift positions. I knew I'd be sorry later. Certainly enough, I've been having bad back pain since then, despite the ibuprofen and heating pad I've been using. Really, I'd like a deep tissue massage, but can't afford it. But that might actually get the painful knots out. Nothing else seems to work. : (

Normally, after an appointment, I've mentioned, you have to wait for an hour to be dismissed. However, I was there so long that they were closing, so the doctor solicitously offered to mail my next appointment so that I wouldn't have to wait. Uh, yeah. I don't think I would have waited whether they wanted me to or not. Plus, I doubt they wanted to stay after closing.

Afterward, since it was the last day to start the new pack of pills, I had to go to HEB right away and hope the pharmacy was still open. Yes. Then, I had to wait for my prescription to be filled. Another 40 minutes passed, although the chair was much less uncomfortable. I was still in pain, though. It was late when I got home, too late for the plans I'd made the week before.

Right now, I've just taken some ibuprofen and it's now about 4 days later, but the medication is still not really helping. The heating pad is really restrictive since I can't get any errands or chores done. I can't afford to buy a bunch of those one use pads that don't have a cord. I wish I had the $26 for a 30 minute massage. I'd prefer an hour, but I'd take the 30 minute one. Ugh.

Sadness

So, today, most of the day, I'm just sort of annoyed. I had to go to the gynecologist, which meant going to the depressing, ghetto hospital downtown where I have to pay to park before even going into the lot, whether there is actually a space or not, then wait in a noisy, uncomfortable room where the staff are rude and as depressed as I am. I had to wait an immensely long time, too, even though I was a half hour early and they got me in early anyway. Apparently, it's a teaching hospital, which means they have a conference after each patient leaves, usually lasting about an hour, before they'll even dismiss me and give me my prescriptions. It was longer than that, I think. Plus, I had a major migraine and there were children (way too many children in a waiting room that's all tile, which makes the sound echo) screaming and running around like wild animals while the parents just looked on and did nothing. Of course, the staff did nothing about it either, even after I complained. I mean, it's a doctor's office, not a playground.

I get home, and I didn't get a call from the shop where I dropped my computer off this morning, which I was hoping for, thinking they'd at least have an idea by now what might be wrong and how much it would cost to fix it. No such luck, so I'm still on a borrowed mini-computer that I can't type on and which doesn't have all my programs or files. I want mine back ASAP.

Nothing much happens. I'm hungry and eat, watch a little TV. But, by the evening, I'm depressed again and I have no one I can really confide in. My mother always tells me I'm being stupid and it's my fault I get upset all the time. What she doesn't seem to understand is that it's a chemical imbalance in my brain that makes me feel this way, and that things could be perfect and I'd still be sad. It's not events that are making me depressed. It's the disease that's doing that, plus her attitude and that of many other people. Most of the times I was acutely suicidal were after arguments with her where I basically felt like she didn't want me around because I made her feel down and I was stupid and lazy and want to be sad on my own. I don't want to live here anymore, but there's no where else for me to go with no income. I don't want to talk to my dad because he's mentally ill himself and is ill-equipped to deal with it. No one else wants to really be there when I need them. In fact, sometimes I wait long periods before calling anyone, just to see if they'll miss me and call to see how I'm doing. I've waited as much as 2 or 3 months and no one ever calls to check on me. I usually cave at that point because I care about my family and friends, despite the fact that I'm not as important to them as they are to me. I usually want to know how they're doing, despite the fact that they don't seem to care how I'm doing. Maybe they know I'm not doing well and don't want to hear about it.

I'm just frustrated, lonely, and misunderstood. I'm going to all these doctors and taking medications that help a little in that I'm not acutely suicidal 24 hours a day, but I wish they could get it right and I'm feeling more normal and can work and then be out on my own. My other conditions are hard to diagnose. They've done all these tests and nothing ever shows up. My gynecologist wanted to do a biopsy of my uterus to check for cancer. I've heard about this procedure and women say it hurts worse than childbirth. I know that nothing will show up because nothing ever does, and I'll have to go through all of that pain and trauma for nothing and somehow have to find a way to pay for it. No, thank you. I had to order more blood tests for my thyroid since my general practitioner made that change to my medication and I feel really horrible and run-down. My old doctor's wife was an endocrinologist, with whom he'd actually discussed my case. I have more confidence in him than the other because he's managed it in the past and I've always felt fine. Of course, that means I have to pay for the test and the doctor visit because he isn't one of the University Health System doctors, but really, I don't think taking less thyroid hormone than I need is going to make me feel better and I know it's unhealthy and dangerous. I just can't get this all done fast enough. I'll have to wait for the lab results and he might want to get me re-tested, which I'll somehow have to pay for. Hopefully, he'll wait a while in between to let us pay for the other tests and doctors that I've had to have the past month and a half.

Well, the blood test is scheduled for 10:00 tomorrow morning and it's now 11:00 at night. I know I haven't been sleeping well and I'll probably be groggy tomorrow, so I'd better try to get some sleep. I've been switched to Abilify instead of the Geodon, so that might be why I'm not sleeping well. I hope that I'll get adjusted to it and that will pass. We'll see. I've only been on it for 4 days. Anyway, I had better get some sleep. Goodnight.

Yet another medical test

The good thing about the new program is that I can finally get all the tests done that I needed. The bad thing is that it's only temporary, and they'll probably order tests I don't need or that aren't covered. I will only find out when I get the bill at the end of the month. I hope it's not horrible. No one could tell me how much it would be.

Yesterday was supposed to be a transvaginal ultrasound. This is one I'd never heard of. I got to the hospital (which was an adventure in itself--we got lost a couple of times and barely made it in time--we were supposed to be 30 minutes early, but were not) and went back for the test. Mom went with me, but did not go into the testing area. They asked me to strip down, then the lady asked me if I was not a virgin. Of course, I am (long story that you don't need to hear at the moment), so they said they couldn't do that test. So they did another ultrasound, which was just over my belly and didn't hurt like the other would have. So it turned out fine, but I wouldn't have gone down there for the test if they'd known I couldn't have it done. No one told me any of that or asked me any questions except "when was your last transvaginal ultrasound?" and thinking I should have one in that case. Idiots, I swear. That particular hospital was in a ghetto part of downtown and was the most depressing-looking hospital I've ever seen. Sadly, I have to go back there to see my gynecologist. The waiting room was depressing and crowded with a bunch of crying, fussy children and no place to sit. I'm not looking forward to going back.

I hope this will be the end of tests for a while, at least until I know how much I have to pay. This will be hard enough, even if the tests are only $20 or so, it will still be horrendous. I have a bunch of doctor's appointments next month, so not looking forward to that either. I don't hate them, but I don't have much faith in them either. Also, I just keep thinking, "How much will this cost?" every time they want me to come in for something.

Most recent doctor visit

I did finally get to see a general practitioner. The office stinks. It's really crowded and there's no parking anywhere. There's a Sea Island with a huge parking lot that's completely empty next door, but they constantly put out messages that they'll tow you away at your expense if you park there. It just doesn't seem fair that they have this empty lot they won't let anyone use and yet there's a doctor's office next door with almost no parking. I drove around forever, then decided to chance it with Sea Island, but they put out another message that if you didn't move it in 15 minutes it would be towed. I wasn't the only car in the lot, but the lot is huge and there was probably less than 20% of the lot taken up with patients. There was no one else in the lot at all. It turns out that since I'd already been called inside that they saved me a space in the back (it was full when I went back there before).

The doctor himself seemed nice enough, although very business-like. He even wore a suit. It may be that he had other obligations that day, but I doubt I'd have worn it to work if it were me. I'd have brought a change of clothes perhaps, but not worn the business suit. Anyway, he seemed to think it was fine to judge my thyroid based on the TSH test alone, which I disagree with. So there's already a point against him in my book. I think you always need at least a free T3 in addition, if not others as well. My old doctor always did this. His wife was an endocrinologist, so I had more confidence in him to judge that than other doctors. It may be that I get a referral to an endocrinologist if this guy can't get it right. Besides the thyroid thing, he seemed fine, although I'm not sure I buy everything he said. He did give me the referral to a gynecologist, which is the main reason I went to see him. He wants me to get a transvaginal ultrasound, which is something I'd never heard of, but which sounds very painful. However, I think the gynecologist might want the results of this test (probably why he ordered it--he seemed to think it strange that I'd never had one done).

Regarding the tests, he says that nothing showed up that was irregular except my thyroid being a little off. I already mentioned above why this may not be the case, but he adjusted my thyroid med anyway. I hope I don't gain weight after all the work I'd done dieting to lose it. The vomiting episodes could be the result of migraines (he said there are several kinds, including abdominal migraines--this sounds a little flaky to me since I'd never heard of such a thing, but I'm not a doctor), or it could be a side effect of the Geodon (the fainting spells as well). So, I will have to work with my new psychiatrist to figure that out. I hope it's easy to fix. I really want to go back to work.

Sunday

Wow. It's Sunday and you're already getting a new blog post from me. Amazing, right? Yeah, we'll see if I can keep it up.

Anyway, I promised to write something more on-topic, so this is my medical update. Yes, I know that sounds boring. It might just be that, but if you are bipolar or even depressed, you might be having similar symptoms. You are not alone, which I have to remind myself all the time! I am not on here to provide medical advice. I am not a doctor and I hope I'm not pretending to be. I've learned a lot about my condition over the years that I've been treated, including about some of the medications I take and what they do. I want to be as informed as possible when I talk to my doctor. If I have a good one, they want me to be informed, too. The last doctor I had was not that type.

I don't want to give his real name, but Martinez is a very common name here and be aware that that is not his actual name. I don't give my name or my friends' names, so I'm not going to start now. If I have something good to say, I'll say it straight out, though. Anyway, now that I've explained that, I will say that he did not seem to like it that I wanted to be on certain types of medications or that I was aware of more recent research than he was. Keep in mind that I do not read medical journals and this was published in a book in 2004, so we're not talking cutting-edge. He told me that Lamictal and Seroquel were both anti-psychotics, too. I know that Lamictal is an anti-convulsant from just about every source I've read and the other doctors I've talked to. According to them, it works as a mood stabilizer in bipolar patients, which is not the same as an anti-psychotic. So he did not want to keep me on both medications. I stuck to my guns because that was the treatment that has worked the best, so far, as I'd been on the anti-convulsant alone and it did not correct all of my symptoms, including the hallucinations. I wasn't sure I liked the Seroquel because I'd been gaining weight. However, I wasn't sure if it was my diet (I do eat when I'm depressed), so I was willing to give it another chance. I had to argue and argue, but he gave me the prescription anyway, even though he grumbled about it. I didn't like his attitude (he was very abrupt and was just like every other doctor I'd had with the University Health System, which means I had to repeat myself over and over). I didn't have a choice on the next appointment. They just handed me a sheet of paper and that was it.

The next time I went, I was going to ask for another doctor. I did not like him and I didn't feel comfortable talking to him. My previous doctor, whom I liked a lot on a personal level (he was like a father figure for me in some ways, and we had all kinds of pleasant conversations when I came into his office, like similarities between ancient Rome and the United States, the history of art, our experiences in Paris, and any number of things). We had a lot in common and I could relate to him and he could relate to me as he had children my age that had similar interests. He is also the one that had me reading the research and explaining what my prescriptions did and how they worked, what the side effects were and how they would begin manifesting, and what to do if I had any of them. I guess I was spoiled. I will use his name because I think he is a good doctor and very easy to talk to. His name is Dr. Jacques Baillargeon in San Antonio, TX. He's just awesome, really. He is the one that first thought it might be bipolar disorder instead of post-traumatic stress disorder, which was my first diagnosis (another doctor). He doesn't take insurance anymore (he was tired of dealing with them and I don't blame him), but he is worth the rates he charges, which are reasonable for his profession. He could change his policy in the future, so it's worth it just to talk to him.

I went in to my new appointment and I was waiting quite a long time (always there--another reason I was spoiled as Dr. B. never made me wait) and another woman came out. She told me her name was Dr. Rodriguez (again, not her real name) and I could see her if I wanted to, or I could wait a little longer and see my regular doctor. I told her that I'd only seen him once before and wanted to change doctors. I guess she thought I would want some continuity, and ordinarily, I would. But, in this case, I was ready to switch. She was very nice and was new in the office (only her 3rd day there), which was why she didn't have as many patients assigned to her yet. She also seemed to understand exactly what I was talking about and knew all of the research I'd read and more (yea!). She was happy that I knew as much as I did and was actually pretty surprised about that, too. But she was really sweet and I would like to stay with her, given a choice. So they gave me the choice, and I'll be you know what I said. :) They also gave me a new appointment, and at least now, they let me pick the time. As she gets more patients, this may not always be possible, but it was nice this once.

The new plan is to put me back on Geodon as my anti-psychotic since it helped my symptoms better than the Seroquel (and, yes, it was actually making me gain weight). Indeed, my hallucinations had been worse than ever before, by a long shot, and were much more negative and disturbing, and they were never like that before. My concentration and memory were worse on it, as well. Unlike the doctors at the hospital, she wanted to make that change not quite so suddenly, so I'm on a slightly lower dose of the Geodon, and she will raise it the next time I see her. She did raise the Lamictal to 200mg.

I'm not as depressed as before exactly. I think I always get a little optimistic after I see a doctor. I think, "this is going to work this time." But then, later on, I start feeling that familiar refrain of, "Everyone is better off without me." It's a dangerous thought to have and it scares me quite a bit. Usually, it seems like my symptoms are worse at night. Maybe you've had similar problems. But with me, I guess, I'm just doing things during the day and it isn't until I'm trying to sleep that I have time to think...really think. That's when the crying spells happen most. That's when I ended up in the hospital. But with this disorder, at least in that mood, thinking isn't what you need to be doing because your thoughts are controlled by the disease, not you. But I've fallen victim to them many times and probably will continue to do so for, at least, a little while longer. I can tell, after last night and the night before, that the dosage still needs to be adjusted. I had thought that I was feeling sort-of "in the middle", not really badly depressed, but not really happy, either. But I think that was just because I had a doctor's appointment. Now that some time has passed, I can tell I'm still depressed. I'm better than before, no doubt, or I'd still be in the hospital (although I will admit that my acting got me released, not the alleviation of symptoms). If they'd known I had done some acting and taken acting classes, they probably would have seen through it!

But, I also knew that my family were pissed at me for putting them through that when they knew themselves that I wasn't that depressed (yeah, they know me so well). So, I put on a happy face and tried to go on with my life. I tried to enjoy every minute I was out of that place. At first, it did feel great, but not as great as I would have liked. It was nice to see trees, really. I missed them so much. I didn't think 3 and a half days would be that long, but it was. It was worse because I'd been hiking every day before that. I'd used that as a stress reliever. When I couldn't do that, or paint, or draw, or any of the things I normally did when I felt unwell, that was worse than my symptoms at that time (probably not literally, of course). If I'd had insurance, I would have gone to a different hospital. Other people who were there with me said the others were better. Hell, even if I was on Medicaid, I probably could have gone somewhere else. But I'm not working (and I probably wouldn't be here right now if I were), and so I had no choice. However, I will say that I will probably call the crisis line again if I need to. It's better than the alternative, although it won't feel that way at the time. Hopefully, a little cool-down time is enough to get me through another few days, y'know? But the worst thing was really the boredom. If we'd had counseling and other things to do, it would have helped more, I think. So, if I win my case and still need it, I can call someone else. I hope I won't need it.

That being said, I am hoping that I will be okay and that I will be able to go back to work in the not-too-distant future. I don't know when that will happen. It's like there's a light at the end of a tunnel in that I feel some relief from the worst symptoms, but the light gets farther and farther away the more I travel through the tunnel. I keep thinking that it will not be much longer, but it is taking longer than I expected it to to finally get better. Really, when I saw my first doctor, I believed her when she said she thought I could be back to work in 3 weeks. Seems really naive of me now, but at the time, I really did think that I would be cured by a magic pill and everything would be perfect in no time at all. I know that's unrealistic now, but I had no clue back then. I wish I'd been better informed, and I wish I'd had someone be honest with me. So, I'm telling you. It might take longer than you think, but it's possible. I have a friend who was just diagnosed with clinical depression. She's doing wonderfully right now. It helps to talk to her because she's where I want to be, and I see that it's possible to feel better. I know it. I don't know how long it will take me to get there, but I want to know what that feels like. I do. I want to know what it's like to be truly happy for a change. Happy, without the black cloud over me, you know? To quote one of my favorite bands, a-ha, "Make it soon."

Dr. Martinez, Jr.

Usually, I like to keep going to the same doctor. However, my lack of funds and my continuing fight with Social Security sort-of prevent me from seeing my usual doctor. So now, as I've previously ranted about the University Health System, I've seen the new doctor they assigned me. He seems nice enough, although more businesslike than I usually like. Plus, he seemed hard of hearing or something, constantly asking me to repeat statements that I thought were a little loud for my privacy, since the doors are only so thick. Plus, there are things that I've read about bipolar disorder that he didn't seem to know, like the more current research. He seemed more interested in what medications I was taking than my actual symptoms and what has worked and what hasn't. Like, he was considering putting me back on Depakote! Hell, no! I don't want to go through all of that again! My hair all fell out (well, I'm exaggerating...not ALL, just a LOT) and I got really bad tremors in my arms, legs, hands, fingers, mouth, etc. Unfortunately, the tremors have not gone away after I went off the medication. I certainly don't want to do anything that could make it WORSE! Not to mention that he thought Lamictal was an antipsychotic and not a mood stabilizer as I've read. The antipsychotic would be the Seroquel. He didn't think I needed to be on an antipsychotic, which I really don't agree with. There's a reason I'm on it. I had problems concentrating and focusing when I was on only a mood stabilizer. My doctor said the anipsychotic would help me concentrate, which I didn't believe at first. But it really did work and I'm not about to go off of it. I like to read, and I couldn't do that before the antipyschotic. I couldn't remember anything I read and had to read and reread passages since I would forget how the paragraph started by the time I reached the end. Sometimes, just a sentence was incomprehensible to me. There were other problems as well, of course. I also had some hallucinations. They were very infrequent and I could always tell it wasn't real, but I'm glad to have them gone at any rate.

Anyway, I'm not pleased with this doctor and I hope I don't have to continue to see him for very long. If I have problems with him, I hope they'll let me switch, or else I could win my disability case and then seek my own doctor.

I hate doctors!

Okay, not EVERY one. But if I hadn't found a certain Dr. R. here in SA, I'd think all doctors are idiots who don't listen to their patients and are just out to make money. They don't CARE about people at all. Today, I called my gynecologist, a certain Dr. Gurwitz, because they charged me for 3 tests that I didn't order. But the doctor ordered them, so they won't take the tests off my bill. Well, they also said that they don't normally order those particular tests unless it's discussed with me and the doctor. There's no way in hell I'd have asked for a Gonorrhoeae (sic) test or a Chlamydia test. I'm not sexually active, so there's no reason to test for those things. I'm sure I mentioned that at my appointment because they always ask. So I don't know why they'd have ordered them based on my appointment. Plus, they know I'm not working right now and each of these 3 tests they ordered for me were $100. The most they offered me was a discount, that would make the total bill $240 instead of the $375 they billed me for. The only thing I should have to pay for is the exam and the pap test, which was all I asked for. As it is, they charged me $125 for the exam, which was $55 the last time I was there a year ago. They told me that was the lowest amount they could charge. But-- and I said this, too--if it had been that much last time, I wouldn't have come back. Not only that, but they didn't even give me samples of my medication. Last time, they gave me enough samples for the whole year. I got nothing at all this time, and the prescription they'd given me was so expensive, I couldn't afford it. So really, this has been the most expensive doctor visit I've ever had (hospital and ER visits aside), and I'll never go back there again. I just felt scammed and like they didn't care whether I could afford all this stuff or not. It's my word against the doctor's. What can I do? I'm calling back tomorrow to talk to a billing supervisor, but I'm not optimistic. But so far, after the doctors at the hospital and the people at the Center for Health Care Services (like low-cost help for the mentally ill--but it's like the McDonald's of health care because they see so many people and it's not like it's GOOD health care, just so-so care), and now a gynecologist that I had previously liked, I don't trust doctors at all. If anyone has any ideas as to any recourse I might have for being overcharged, I'd like to hear them, because it's really unfair for me to pay for things I didn't want.

Hospital

I feel embarrassed about this. But I just got out of the hospital. For the first time ever, I've now been hospitalized for depression. Really, all I wanted was to talk to a suicide counselor. But the hotline I called must have been a different one, because she sent the police to my house, and they took me to the hospital. I ended up there all night long in the ER. Literally. I called the hotline around 10:00 or 10:30 pm. I was at the hospital soon after. Then, it was 7:30 in the morning by the time they finally told me I had no choice but to be admitted. I didn't sleep at all. And all of this was triggered by the fact that my neighbors don't let me sleep, so I got anxious and depressed. So now, are they making me feel any better? No, not at all. Really, by that morning I wasn't feeling suicidal anymore. I was just tired and really too tired to think about it. The moment had passed. Still, I had no choice. It was still 4:30 or so by the time they took me upstairs to my room, which I had to share (not good, I'm a light sleeper). I was exhausted, but they had me doing a few things once I got up there. I had no chance to sleep. They make you eat dinner at 5:00. I don't even get hungry until 7:00 or so. But I had to eat. Still, the food upstairs on the 7th floor was waaaayyy better than the stuff in the ER. It was at least tolerable. I couldn't even eat the stuff downstairs. Then my dad came to visit. They told me I'd get to go home the next day. The next day, I met with the doctors. They didn't want me to take the new meds until that night. So I was there another day! Really, BEING THERE made me feel depressed. Everyone there was nice, but the patients were depressed and that was hard to take. Some of them were worse off than me, being that they talked to themselves and stuff. Plus, I really missed my dog. I didn't like the hospital beds. It felt like I was just sleeping on the box springs. Plus, they check on you every 15 minutes. Those doors were not quiet, so I heard it every time and it made me jump. I didn't feel comfortable with someone watching me sleep. I had nightmares about it when I managed to sleep an hour. I just felt worse being there. They didn't let us outside at all. They didn't let us exercise. They didn't let me have my facial moisturizer or my facial cleanser, but my roommate got to keep her shampoo, conditioner, lotion, and body wash. I got zilch. I didn't trust them to watch my stuff that they were holding. They had it locked up, but it went through a few hands by then, and they told me they had to inventory it, so they went through each item before they locked it up, including my cash. Then, when they let me go, I got a sheet of paper saying they think my diagnosis is schizoaffective disorder instead of bipolar. I read about schizoaffective disorder. The schizophrenic symptoms match me not at all. I have no idea why they'd say that. I'm bipolar. So I'm pissed about that because now I don't trust them to help me. They're going to be treating a condition I don't have. And because I need help paying for my medications, I have to see their doctor or I don't get my pills. I don't trust their doctors. I'm so unhappy about it all. Not to mention, I didn't get all the stuff coming out that I went in with, including a couple of dollars and a vial of my motion sickness pills that mysteriously went missing. I just don't trust them at all. I hope I get a good doctor. I wish I could continue to see my old doctor.

Sorry!

Sorry I haven't been on here in a while. I've been busy. Got a new job. Went to visit R in LA. Then, got scarlet fever. Yippee. So, haven't been doing this much. Been on Facebook mostly as it doesn't take as long to keep updated on there. So, I apologize should there actually be any readers out there anymore.

Lately, I guess I've been sick a lot and really worried about my health. It costs so much to go to the doctor and I really don't have enough money to go when I need to, even with the new job. I did go to the doctor with the scarlet fever, though. I mean, I guess the diagnosis was pretty scary when little E got it. I ended up getting it from him. E didn't really have a rash that we could tell, so we weren't sure. But the evening before I went to the doctor, there it came on me. It didn't really itch or anything. It just confirmed the diagnosis. So I had to take antibiotics for 10 days. Luckily, Dr. R is really good and he knows about my money situation, so he picked one that would be really cheap. In fact, with the generic, it was only $5 with this prescription plan from HEB that I'm on. Thank you, Dr. R. He also gave me a prescription for nausea, which is a common problem with me. I took it with the scarlet fever and it knocked me out, though. I wish it wasn't such a strong sedative. Then, I took it the other night when I had trouble sleeping and I still fought it off! I mean, one time a doctor prescribed codeine because of the insomnia, and it still didn't help. I can fight off just about anything when I can't sleep. Anyway, so I know that if I have one of these severe attacks of nausea, I'll at least have the prescription and not have to rush off to the emergency clinic. That'll help money-wise.

Still, I know there's something else wrong. I don't know if it could be one of my prescriptions or not. I mean, I kind-of remember having this whole thing start with the thyroid thing, and not so much with the start of my psychiatric treatment. So, I really don't think it's the meds. But I have this problem with fainting spells. I just get really faint for about a half hour to an hour and then it goes away. It usually comes up in the morning or evening and not so much in the afternoons for some reason. But I still worry that it will happen while I'm driving or something. Or else I'll end up getting hurt and end up going to the ER. THAT would suck. Once I passed out outside and banged my head on the concrete. Somehow I hurt my hand, too, as I had a death grip on the stair railing. Luckily that wasn't too severe, but you never know when it'll happen. I'd really feel better if I could get a job with insurance. The one I have now doesn't. However, it's a small company and I know they really can't afford that.

I did get to act in one commercial, though. I was just an extra, so I was just in the background of the first one. Well, it was more than one commercial for the same company and they filmed them all the same day. So I was in a few commercials. It was a local thing, to extend term limits for city council members, who currently can only serve 2 2-year terms. The premise of the commercials was that it wasn't enough time to get anything done. I didn't really care either way, but it was $100 for a day. I know I don't get paid $100 a day where I work. So, cool. I showed up in the morning, and I was really early because traffic was surprisingly light, even though it was just before rush hour. So they let me grab coffee and breakfast from the crew trailer. I didn't sleep very well the night before and I was exhausted. Then, the other actors started arriving and they made an area for us in the waiting area of the restaurant for us to gather and fill out paperwork. Basically signing in that we were there and giving contact information (the agency's contact information, in other words). Then, some of us were chosen to go into the restaurant and sit down. I was chosen, but they wanted me to change my shirt to better go with the other 2 people at my table. They wanted us to look business-casual like we were at a business lunch.

Then, they brought out food! It was a Mexican restaurant, and the brought out a nice plate of cheese enchiladas for me, along with rice and beans. It was really good. They encouraged us to eat the food. They took our drink orders (more coffee for me). Then, a "waitress" kept coming to our table during filming to refill our cups. Cool! So I probably drank about 5 cups of coffee. My stomach was NOT happy with me, but I was afraid I wouldn't be able to drive othewise. We were the background and the main action was at the table next to mine. Those were the speaking parts. So, since they were speaking, we couldn't speak or we'd have been too loud. So we were supposed to mouth our conversation. We felt pretty silly, but we were still able to converse with each other. So it was fun.

Then, they filmed another scene in the restaurant and they picked me and 3 other people from the first shoot to do it. I guess we had the right "look". Have no idea what that was, but...cool. I sat with this other guy and we chatted for a while as well. We didn't really mouth our conversation, though. We sort-of whispered, but no one said anything. Actually, I forgot to mention that in the first scene, the "host" came over to our table at the end of the scene. I MAY have ended up in that shot. I don't know. I haven't seen the commercial. I was probably in the background anyway, but I may have gotten a closer-up shot at the end!

Anyway, after we filmed the second restaurant scene, we got a break. I went to Da Vinci Gelato for an hour and got even more coffee! Then, we met at this studio for the second set of commercials. In this one, we had to be in business clothes. So I changed into my pumps, which were horribly uncomfortable. It was lunch by then. They bought food for us and there were sandwiches and pizza for everyone. More people were at this one that the last one. We went into the studio and it was painted completely white, with only a revolving door at the center of it. We were supposed to walk through the door over and over again. My feet hurt soooo badly. But they made all kinds of jokes with us, saying we were the best walkers they'd had all day, etc., etc. It was so much fun. They went down the line and gave us numbers, like picked the order we were going to walk through the door and gave us numbers so we could get back in line again later. I ended up being number 6. So naturally, I made some stupid Prisoner reference. No one got it, of course. Really, I didn't think it was that obscure. They even replayed the whole thing on Sci-Fi a few years ago and AMC is making a series based on it as well. Anyway, I enjoyed it. We got out by 4:00. Not bad for $100. Of course, I had to go to work afterwards, but I was okay to drive by then. I guess the caffeine had worn off, but I'd been awake for long enough at that point.

I wouldn't mind doing another one, but I need headshots for that. I did have those headshots done a while back--the free ones---but they haven't come in yet. The photographer has had all sorts of problems and apologizes. He knows it's been way too long. But he says they're coming "soon", whatever that means. I've pretty much given up on them and think I should re-shoot. I hate to spend the money on them, but if I want to do any more of these commercials and TV and stuff I need them. I don't know. Should I? I mean, you only live once, right?

The other thing is that Mom and I got tickets to see Duran Duran at the Majestic Theatre! Yea! I'm so excited. I haven't been to a concert in a long time, and I haven't been to that venue in ages, either. I've always loved that venue. My first concert ever was at that venue. I wish I could have seen Tim Finn in Austin, but hey. You can't have everything. Tickets just cost so much these days and it's not like I have money to spend on stuff like that. I mean, my trip to LA was "bought" by C's mom with her airline miles. I didn't even buy that. Another reason I'm concerned about getting headshots. Everyone tells me I should do it, though. They say I'd be good at acting. I don't know about that, though. Acting for friends and family is different than doing it for a stranger, you know? Maybe classes would help. I don't know.

Well, I guess I'd better go for now. I'm supposed to be working, but I just don't have anything to do. I'd better TRY to look busy, though! : )

GO SPURS GO!!!

They're up 3 games to 1. Mad they lost the 1 as they could have swept the series, but they must have not wanted it bad enough that afternoon. But, I'm sure they'll win the 1st round. I doubt Phoenix can win 3 more in a row. Spurs only have to win 1 more, after all. I like the playoffs and I also hate them. Nerve-wracking, but they're exciting games to watch. Hope they do well. I think the next game is tonight, so we'll see how they do.

Today, I've got a doctor's appointment. It's mainly because it's time to have a thyroid test, but I've been having other problems as well. I've been having these gastrointestinal problems for a long time. Like maybe a year and a half or so. It started out as just periodic nausea. Then, the nausea became acute and I began throwing up. It would be so bad I'd need a prescription medication to stop it. It's progressed now to where I also have diarrhea in addition to the nausea. Again, it's periodic, so I'll be fine for a while, then suddenly it'll hit me and knock me out for a couple of days. Then, I'm okay again. It's really annoying and it's impacting my life as it can be so severe, so I'm hoping there's something he can do about it. The other thing is that I don't think I'm doing as well on Synthroid as I was on Levoxyl. I have drier skin, etc., etc., all the hypothyroid symptoms, even though my hormone levels have been testing normal. Plus, I've been having fainting spells. It feels like it does when my blood pressure drops suddenly, so I'm thinking I keep having unsafe low blood pressure that causes me to become light-headed and then faint. Not good. I don't know if that's related to the thyroid thing or not, so I've got to tell the doctor about it.

Not much going on lately besides that. I have a psychiatrist appointment next week, where I will discuss those sorts of issues such as my stress level and how absent-minded I've been. Don't know if the nausea might relate to my meds or not, but it seems like it's not related as I haven't had any med changes in a very long time, like much more than a year and a half ago. So the timing is off there for me to think it's related. But I can mention it if my other doctor can't find anything else wrong with me. Or maybe that appointment is at the end of this week. Now I can't remember. I have it written down on my calendar. I just haven't looked at it recently. I need to check before I go off anywhere today.

Got to go to the library today, too. The two books I'd requested are there waiting and I thought I'd look for this other book that I read about. I think they have it there, so I'll just see if it's not checked out. Been reading a lot since there aren't that many jobs out there to sift through. It doesn't take me as long as it used to to get through them all. Sucks, but what can I do? Just keep looking. Well, I guess I'd better go. Sorry my posts have been relatively depressing lately. Hopefully that'll change after my psychiatrist appointment, though. Hopefully I'll be more optimistic.

Getting sick of Hotmail!

Okay, on top of it being always down or not available, today I couldn't print an e-mail. Sounds simple enough, right. I've done it before plenty of times. But today IP forwarded a copy of the airline itinerary and confirmation to me. I wanted to print it so I could give a copy to whomever takes me to the airport and picks me up. It will probably be Mom, but we'll see. Plus, I want the confirmation number so that I can do the online check-in. Really cool. Anyway, so I'm trying to print it, and it fits on 2 pages, but only one page will print. So I had 2 sheets of paper with page 1 on it. Page 2 would not print. So I try hitting "print" again and just selecting page 2 to print and not page 1. This despite the fact that "all" had been clicked to begin with and it still only printed page 1. Well, that froze up the browser. So I tried not using Hotmail's print feature and just using the one on the browser. That didn't work either, because Hotmail kept saying I had to wait until the page finished loading and it wouldn't finish loading. It just kept saying it was transferring data. I had the e-mail in front of me and it was all loaded! It froze up the browser again. I tried a few more times and that didn't work. It froze up the browser each time I tried something different. So, I gave up on Hotmail and just copied the e-mail and pasted it into a Word document. That printed. So, this just seems like the last straw with Hotmail. I'm so sick of them. I'm sick of the delays. I'm sick of it being down. I'm sick of it never working right. I haven't had this many problems with an e-mail address since I had dial-up internet. I just don't know if I go somewhere else, will it be the same? I mean, are there any good ones out there? I've had problems when I tried to get a Yahoo account. It never let me log in. I mean, I might even still have the account if they didn't cancel it. I never used it because I was never able to log in. Anyway, I don't know where to go. If anyone has any recommendations for a good, trouble-free e-mail provider, I'd appreciate it.

I don't know if I ever mentioned this on this blog. I probably didn't. Sometimes I think I blogged about something and I actually only wrote about it in my journal. But I like to collect foreign currency. No rare coins or anything, although I'm sure that would be cool. I just can't afford it. But occasionally foreign currency ends up mixed in our own currency and I keep the foreign coins. I used to have one from China, but sis M kept stealing it when she was little and it got lost. Anyway, I just recently pulled out a coin, thinking it was a dime and it turns out it was an Arabic coin. I'm sure it came from one of our many military personnel living here, but I think it's pretty cool-looking. I obviously can't read Arabic, so I don't know where it's from exactly. But the script is really pretty and it has flowery lines all around and pretty pictures, too. It's just a really pretty coin. Most of my coins aren't really from very far away, usually Canada or Mexico. I don't do enough traveling to collect very many on my own, although I do have some French Francs from a trip to Paris a long time ago. I just like it when I get one that's from somewhere far away. I think I got some from Norway from my pen pal in high school, but those got lost, too. I mean, I thought I had them safe, but I haven't been able to find them, so obviously I'm not as good at keeping stuff as I thought I was.

I had my psychiatrist appointment today. He apparently didn't think my symptoms from a couple of months ago warranted changing the dosage of my Trileptal. Oh well. I thought so, but maybe not. He just said I will get an episode every once in a while and no medication can prevent them altogether. I guess I knew that, but I was hoping he could do something about it since it was a particularly long episode for me. AND I've been feeling a little off, but maybe not off enough to change the dosage. I don't know. Anyway, I guess it's better that way, because I doubt I could afford to take 4 of those 300 mg pills, or even to buy the more expensive 600 mg pills and take 2 of those instead. It's more expensive either way, and I didn't notice much difference in price if I did one rather than the other. It's expensive enough on the dose I'm on now. As it is, I buy the generic from Canada and that's not cheap either.

Poor Bucky has a vet's appointment on Monday. He's overdue for some shots and I was trying to get the money. S sent me $40 from England just so that I could get the exam with his rabies shot, but Mom says he needs more than that because he'll need the heartworm test, too. I mean, that would be more expensive if he ended up with heartworms, so I guess the test is cheaper. Plus, he'll need probably a parvo shot in addition to the rabies on and maybe something else, too. Living in apartments, I kind of need to keep his shots up-to-date in case he bites someone. Knowing my dog, he would if he could, too. But, I don't want them to take him away because he doesn't have his shots and Mom doesn't want that to happen either. So, she's going to charge the rest on her credit card. I mean, it's sweet of her. I just wish she didn't have to put it on the credit card, but she doesn't have the money to do it otherwise. How spoiled we are having dogs. I just can't imagine life without him.

Anyway, I guess I'm getting ready to go to NJ. Getting more excited about it all the time and I know IP can't wait to see me. I will hate all the airport security mess, etc., and I will hate being away from Bucky that long. I know I'll cry myself to sleep every night not having him with me. But I should still have a good time and it will be great to hang out with IP as we haven't been able to do that in years. And I always wanted her kids to know me, but it's been ages since I've seen them, too. Her little boy was an infant the last time I saw him and I think he's 5 years old now. Well, I guess that's it for now.

Again!!!

Really, could it be something more serious? I just had yet another stomach virus! I had been feeling a little queasy for about a week or so, but it finally got me on Saturday afternoon. R was here for a visit and I also got to see my grandmother since my dad brought her along as a Mother's Day lunch. So, at least I got to have lunch with everyone, but then I got really sick later and R took off to visit with our friend H. I felt too bad to go. I ended up in the bathroom throwing up all afternoon and evening. Really, I just did NOT want to go through that again. I asked Mom to take me to the doctor, but she said she didn't even have a credit card and was really upset because she didn't know what to do. So I called Dad and he drove me to the clinic, only to find that it was closed. Great. And it's not as if the drive was doing me any good. Dad was driving like this was a life or death emergency, too. I had to keep reminding him that it was okay and he could slow down.

We thought we'd find a pharmacy that was open and get some advice from the pharmacist, but all of them were closed, too. You wouldn't know it, but this is a big city and things don't usually close down that early. You'd think that we'd have at least one Walgreen's that's open 24 hours, but no. We didn't find one until we got to the Medical Center next to one of the hospitals. Luckily they had one bottle left of nausea medicine, which I took immediately. Then Dad gave me his credit card in case I needed to go to the doctor in the morning and took me home. I managed to relax and try to sleep, but my stomach was still churning and I couldn't really sleep. But I managed to make it until morning before the throwing up started again.

Mom was gone for some reason, so I got R to take me, although I didn't want to do that to her. I just knew I wouldn't stop throwing up and I didn't want to have the lengthy recovery that comes along with esophageal damage. She was nice about it, though, and took me to the clinic which isn't too far from our apartment. They were pretty busy, so it took forever for them to call me. When I went to the one in FW they saw me right away. Oh well. It was pretty uncomfortable waiting because I was so tired and wanted to sleep, but I had to have this trash can by my head in case I threw up. Eventually, they took me in to an examining room and took my vitals. It took a long time for the doctor to come in. By then, R had come in from outside and she said she'd fallen asleep. Lucky girl. The doctor said he wanted to do some blood work and give me a shot and give me an IV with fluids. I barely knew what he was saying except I heard the blood work and IV part, but I knew ahead of time that it wouldn't be pleasant.

The shot was this medicine for nausea that's stronger than the stuff I got at the pharmacy over-the-counter. But, of course, they had to stick it in my ASS! Fantastic. So, they're giving me the shot and THEN they tell me it might burn. Right at that moment, it felt like the needle had transformed into a blade and they were stabbing me. It didn't burn, but it was a lot more pain than I expected. Then, I had to have the IV and I was already upset from the shot and R couldn't calm me down. Luckily the shot made me sleepy and I took a little nap while the first bag of fluid was hanging. I had to have 2 bags. After that they took my vitals again and let me go home. When I paid for it, the guy said he gave me a discount, but it was only like $20. That made the total $426 or something. I was kind-of loopy so I don't really remember. Then I went home and went to sleep and R stayed on to talk with Mom for a while before she headed home. I was pretty disappointed that she and I didn't get to go to Starbucks one more time or something before she had to go, but I really wasn't feeling up to it.

The only good thing is that I got to see her for a little while before I got really sick. Mom and R picked up my prescription later and it was the nasty suppositories that I had to take when I had the stomach flu. The only good thing about those is that they make me really goofy and sleepy so I'm only barely conscious of the whole thing. So I pretty much slept until Wednesday morning, barely eating because I was still too nauseous. Feeling better today, but still queasy every now and then. Luckily I've been able to eat. R got me some of the booklets from Weight Watchers (which she is often trying to sell on everyone--understandable since she lost 25 pounds on it so far), so I can try the plan and see if I can lose the last 10 pounds I've been wanting to lose. It would be cool to be able to wear a bikini. : )

Well, not much is going on other than that. Mainly I'm just trying to get better. I hope this doesn't happen again. They tested my liver function at the clinic and said the results came back normal. Don't know what else it could be, but it seems weird that I'd get 2 stomach viruses that close together. Is it my immune system?

Doctor?

Really, I just totally forgot. I'm glad they call to confirm the day before. So, I've got to leave in a few minutes. I'd hate to forget and be charged for missing an appointment. Maybe it's good that they do that (charge for missed appointments) as a way to provide incentives for continuing your treatment. I know it's easy to just wallow in self-pity and want to stay home all the time and never do anything. But those wouldn't be reasons I'd miss them. I just don't remember dates very well. I knew I had an appointment sometime this month, but I didn't remember exactly when, and I don't know where my appointment card is. I even wrote it on my calendar to help me remember. I just hadn't been marking off days on it or anything. So I totally didn't even know what day it was yesterday to even know I had an appointment today. Dummy.

I did a lot of cleaning yesterday. I did clean the bathtub and it took forever. I cleaned the sink and counters and the toilet. Then I did tons of laundry. It took all day, actually. I knew it would be bad. Somewhere in there I did find time to eat and do some reading. I got to the Febreezed book and tried not to hold it too close to my face. Then I'd smell my hands afterwards to make sure I didn't get any of it in my eyes. That would be awful. So far it doesn't seem to transfer very well, so I hope I'm safe reading it. The next thing would be to see if the book is even worth the trouble. So far the jury's still out. I may end up going to the library again this Saturday. There was already another one that I started to read, but didn't like. So, maybe I'm going through them too quickly, but I saw a couple of others I wanted to read when I was there last. Maybe they'd still be there.

Anyway, I guess I'd better get going. Maybe I'll go to Bucky's (Starbucks) after all today just to be out of the house. I already had to put makeup on and everything, so it seems silly to do that and then only go to a 15 minute doctor appointment. We'll see. I'm sure a passion tea lemonade would be tasty.

Bipolar stuff

I realize that I haven't much blogged about bipolar stuff, although it's in the title of my blog. Well, at least not lately. Really, the main thing, should you have this thing, or any other psychiatric disorder, is that this takes time to recover from. It's not easy, even with meds. I think I'm relatively lucky in that I think I got the diagnosis rather quickly in only a year and a half after beginning treatment for depression. Everyone thought it was just a really bad depression. I was just lucky that my therapist (psychologist) could tell from our sessions that it was probably bipolar disorder and she and my psychiatrist got together because they work in the same building. Lucky. My psychiatrist then switched meds for me. Great. Still, I had to try a few different medications before I found Trileptal. But, I had hope for the first time in life. I knew I was on the right track and that helped me get through the trial and error period. I knew I might have to be on a combination of meds and I just had to be patient. Really, on the Trileptal alone, I couldn't think clearly. It was like I was walking around confused and distracted all the time. I couldn't even read because I couldn't follow a paragraph without having to reread it over and over again. It became more frustrating than relaxing. My doctor knew I just needed an additional medication and he added Geodon, an antipsychotic. When he suggested it, I went home and researched it first thing. At the mention of it being an antipsychotic, I was scared. I was afraid he was changing the diagnosis to schizophrenia. That was frightening to me. But in the end, I was so desperate to feel better that I didn't care. As long as the medication worked, what did it matter what the diagnosis was? Through further research, I saw that Geodon is given for bipolar disorder, so I was a little relieved, although I don't know why. But the Geodon helped with my concentration. I was finally able to read again, although I started slow. In low doses, I still had to concentrate really hard to follow a story, but as my doctor raised it my focus got better and now I'm back to my usual Shakespeare-reading self. Wow.

Now, I don't know how I'd handle a job just now. I haven't worked while on meds. At my last job, I was only on Paxil and I felt like crap. I was still depressed and I had trouble keeping up with the workload. Plus, after that car accident, I was suffering the effects of post-traumatic stress syndrome. The nightmares kept getting worse. I had to sleep with the lights on. Really, I wasn't sleeping well and I was going to work in a daze. Not good. Still, that was the longest I'd ever held down a job and over all I liked that job. I just don't want to do that much driving again. I can only hope that I'm better adjusted now and can handle normal work stressors. But I've taken a long time off. I haven't worked since March of 2003. Well, I take that back. I was let go from the job in March (with the option to go back if there was an opening), but I hadn't actually worked since that winter, then I was on a medical leave until March. Whatever. Still, it's been a long time and I don't know how to deal with that question in interviews. It always comes up. When I tried to explain to someone that it was personal (hint: I don't think it's appropriate to talk about it), she said, "So, you've just been hanging out?" like I was just lazy or something! How can I get across that I don't want to talk about it in a polite way that doesn't hint that I'm unreliable or something? How? If I say it was a medical leave, that still sounds like I'm unreliable. I know that technically they can't use that as a reason not to hire me, but good luck proving that's the reason they didn't hire me. I'm now registered at three different temp agencies. Should I register with several more or what? I just need a job. The graphic designer part can come later (hopefully).

Anyway, just to let you know that this could take a while, and you still have to do some work to get there. The meds can only take you so far. There are books to help as well as therapy and even group therapy. Sometimes it just helps to know you can get better. Sometimes it helps to know you're not alone. Sometimes it helps to go through and make a list of everything that makes you happy. Make a list of the things you have going for you right now. Make a list of things you did every day to prove to yourself that you can get up and do something and not just sleep. Even if it's just watching TV, eating, and hygiene, that's something. Plus, you have to think of all the hard times you've seen and how you've managed to get this far. It can't hurt to wait longer during your treatment. And I can't stress the importance of taking an active role in your treatment. You need to follow your medications and read up on them. You need to remind your doctor of what you're taking every visit and check with him or her on drug interactions every time. It might seem stupid, because they write everything down, but it can't hurt to be on top of it yourself. Doctors can make mistakes. They're only human. This means over-the-counter medications as well as herbal remedies and vitamins. Everything. Also, if you don't like your doctor, switch doctors. This is your treatment, not theirs. You have to be comfortable talking about some really personal topics with him or her. This is a big deal to get better and you have to do some things you may not like, but you should always like your doctor. And inform all of your doctors, dentists, etc. of all the meds you're on. That's really important. I knew someone who ended up on 12 different meds because her doctor kept prescribing drugs every time she had a problem and didn't keep track of what she was on. She was too depressed to care what happened to her and it ended up messing her up. Don't do that. Don't assume everyone is keeping track for you. That's your job.

Anyway, I'm not pretending I'm 100% better, but I'm so much better than I was before that it feels like a complete recovery to me. Still, I know I'll have to keep adjusting my meds throughout my life. That's normal. This is a genetic condition and there is no cure. All I can do is deal with it and hope I can get on with my life. I've wasted too much of it being miserable. To be honest, even the manic episodes weren't so great. I told my therapist that it almost felt worse to be manic than depressed because I was more impatient with people and they couldn't stand being around me. I was also more irrational and irritable. I could lose my temper over the slightest thing. I hated that feeling of not being in control.

Well, I don't see that I have any plans for today, but R may be coming down for a weekend. Should be fun. Last time I went up to FW I got the stomach flu, so hopefully neither of us will be sick when we get together this time. I'd better go heavy on the green tea. : )

Check out R's blog here. Will try to get a list of blogs up here sometime soon.