SNOW!!!!!!!

OH...MY...GOD!! There is actually SNOW...ON THE GROUND!!! To understand why this is such a strange occurrence you have to know that the last time there was snow on the ground was when I was about 11 or 12. I'm now 39. We've had rare instances when there was snow in the air that melted before it hit the ground, but only about 2 or 3 times in the past several years. Really weird.

Beads!

I used to do a little beading in the past. It's been a while, though! But I wanted to buy a pretty pendant for a friend who likes to make jewelry, also, since it was her birthday last month. I don't get to see her but once a month, so I knew I had time to shop around and find the right gift. At first, I thought I'd buy something for her apartment since she's been fixing it up. I thought a throw for the sofa or a pretty pillow or something along those lines would look nice in there since I know what colors she likes, etc. However, I couldn't find anything I liked for the $20 I could afford (that's usually been our budget for gifts, so I'm not skimping).

Then, I remembered Nomadic Notions, which is this bead store I liked in Alamo Heights. However, when I drove over there, I found out that the store is completely gone now. I'm so disappointed because they always had really unique items, like pendants, incense, scarves and stuff besides the beads that really made it a fun, almost bohemian atmosphere to shop in. I didn't know where else to go because I never went anywhere but there or Hobby Lobby when I wanted beads. I remembered seeing a small bead store near Hobby Lobby and thought I'd try that one. I went there and she had a decent selection, but it was mostly strands of gemstones and glass beads and a few findings. She didn't really have many pendants, which is what I usually find the most fun to shop for. That's what I really wanted to buy for H. So, I looked around a bit and found some jade or aventurine beads that were really pretty. There were some pearls about the same size (not perfectly round but "potato" shaped) and some pretty cloisonne beads that looked very nice with the aventurine. I don't know that I'm great at jewelry-making, but I thought the colors worked well together and thought that then I'd make a necklace for her instead of just the pendant I'd planned. In the end, I made a simple pair of earrings to match:

It was a lot of fun to make it and I wanted to make more jewelry. So I made a simple pair of crystal earrings for myself:

Today, I went to Hobby Lobby, who were having a 50% off sale on a lot of their beads. I bought a few strands of gemstones and pearls, although not the longer strands available in bead stores. I wish findings had been on sale, too. I could have bought some chains, clasps, and ear wires. Oh well. Another time. The thing that upset me was that the cashier didn't take the 50% off of 3 of my items. I'm really unhappy about that. Perhaps I'll make an online purchase on Fire Mountain Gems or something. They're relatively inexpensive, despite shipping costs.

I found this CD of the Crowded House concert I saw in August from Kufala. Apparently, they were there for much, if not all, of the tour and have posted CDs for sale of many of the shows. If you were lucky enough to see them this tour and the show wasn't available as a USB purchase, try Kufala. The sound quality, to me, sounds like any other live album, although Neil has a tendency to not talk into the microphone at times! But I love that Crowded House does this so that you can have a great souvenir from the show. Kufala has shows from other artists, as well, so I may check their site again if I'm able to go to another concert any time soon. : )

Still depressed

Was just wondering before, but now I'm sure. The slightest thing will set me off. I just feel like I'm crying all the time and I'm so sick of it. I, obviously, mean to post more often than I do. Usually, if I don't, it's because I'm not feeling well. I'm either too tired to compose anything (not that this is the best writing in the world) or else I just don't feel like doing anything at all. I'm not sure where I'm going with my treatment. Everything has been staying the same for a while and I'm not sure the doctor realizes how bad I'm really feeling. I've tried explaining this, but she says I look better. Well, yes, I'm better than before, but that doesn't mean I'm feeling well. I still feel sad a lot and very emotional. I'm irritable. I don't want to be around people and I don't feel like anyone really cares, understands, or knows how I am feeling. Yes, sometimes I feel like everyone is better off without me. That's the most common "automatic thought" I have.

I don't know whether I will get better. I don't know how I can. I don't think that what I'm doing is working, but I'm tired of being broke. I don't see how I can work when I can't handle relationships or any kind of stress. I'm not very responsible right now. I can hardly wash dishes or vacuum. I don't even always shower or brush my teeth. Is this fatigue or something else? Maybe both depression and my thyroid? It's hard to stay optimistic when any progress I've made is so slight. I just don't know what to do to get myself out of this situation. If I actually get on disability and then on Medicaid, will it really help with expenses? Will the doctors be any better? I don't see how. I don't even know whether it makes any difference at all. I don't know if anyone can help me.

Getting a new G.P.

I have been trying to get a new G.P. since the old one messed up my thyroid meds. I've been calling the Carelink number forever, and the message always says that due to a high volume of calls, they cannot accept my call. I tried several times a day and always got the same message. So, I called my usual Carelink representative and she told me she couldn't do it over the phone. This is just nonsense from her (or else her usual habit of saying something once and then saying something different at another time when faced with the same question) because she'd done this for me before over the phone. The first time, she assigned me someone all the way over on the south side of town. Then she assigned me the guy who messed up my thyroid meds. So, not doing a good job so far. She said I had to call the main Carelink number and basically got me off the phone. So, I continued to call the Carelink number and getting no response. Now, I'm out of my thyroid meds, even the bad prescription, which is better than NO prescription. I had the pharmacy call him for a refill, but he never responded (sounds like him because he never responded to my requests for further blood tests, either). So, I went back to the psychiatric office to see my usual Carelink representative in person this time. I had looked online and seen that there's another clinic, but the Carelink representative said there is a waiting list to get a doctor there. They don't even know how long it will be (yes, I figured they wouldn't know. Why would they? They don't know anything.) So, I asked what I could do in the meantime. She just said to go to the emergency clinic. Oh, yippee. I just love emergency clinics. Yuck! But, what else am I to do? I just hope they'll help me and not rely solely on the TSH test, which is inaccurate, especially with me. My TSH when I was first diagnosed was 877. How can that be accurate? I'd be dead! Ugh.

I'm a Gemini?

So recent news says that I'm actually a Gemini and not a Cancer as I'd grown up to believe. Of course, I never believed in any of that stuff, like the stars can really influence our lives. But, I do have the personality traits of a Cancer. That has to be more proof that this stuff is false, right? If I'm actually a Gemini, how could I more closely match the traits from another sign if the stars influenced me when I was born? Plus, my dad is nothing like a Sagittarius. My mom and little sister are sort-of like Aries, but are they really Aries anymore? Hmm...

Am I still depressed?

I feel better overall, but it's hard for me to decide whether there are other issues besides the fatigue right now. Partly this is because I know that even people without depression can feel down or sad sometimes. I've been sad lately, although not much has really occurred to be sad about. Sometimes, it's just a song that hits in the right place, or an episode of "Doctor Who" or "Star Trek" (yes, I'm a nerd. I don't think I've made a secret of this...). It just seems to be minor things that will set me off crying. I miss my old poodle, Qui-Qui, like crazy. Everything reminds me of him and I dreamed of him the other night. When I remembered that part of the dream later that day, I broke down in tears. He passed away about 5 years ago now, so this isn't exactly grieving, is it? I've been okay, mostly, the past, say, 3 years about this. I think that it could be just about anything that would make me feel emotional about now. Is my medication not working anymore? Or, was it never as good as I thought it was? I have an appointment in another 2 and a half weeks, so I want to know what to tell my doctor. Does she adjust the medication? I'm afraid to do so. I can hardly sleep as it is, and I'm so tired from lack of sleep that I can't wake up in the mornings. I tried setting the alarm and avoiding naps to see if I slept better at night. But I don't, and I will sleep right through the alarm if I'm too tired. I just don't hear it at all. Other times, I hear it, but am too exhausted to get out of bed, so I'll just hit snooze about 3 or 4 times. By then, it's not as early as I'd like. I wanted to get up around 7 or 8, but that's beyond my abilities right now. I set the alarm for 9, but have trouble sticking to that. Maybe I'll set it for 8:30 and see if I can get up by 9, instead of setting it for 9 and getting up about 9:30 or 9:45, depending on how well I slept. I don't know if it makes any difference, though. I can be really exhausted and still not sleep. Maybe I'm somewhat manic? Don't know.