Sunday, February 20, 2011

What am I going to do?

To my family, I'm sorry I'm like this. I wish I could be normal and go back to work. Maybe you think I'm fine and that I should be able to function like this, but I'm obviously not doing that or I'd still be working. I would be able to get up and take care of my room and shower more often, etc. Maybe you think I'm exaggerating or being lazy, but I'm not. It takes a lot of effort to do the little I do. It takes tons of energy just to get out of bed. I'm tired of making excuses. No one ever believes me. But really, I wish I could talk to you about this. I wish you'd understand. I know you don't or you wouldn't be upset at me. I feel like you'd be better off without me so I wouldn't be such a burden on you. That's the way you make me feel. I know you think that if you're unkind I will "snap out of it" and go back to work. But that's not how it's actually making me feel. Maybe you're just frustrated at my lack of progress. Surely, you know I feel the same way. I'm frustrated. But I wish I could talk about this with you. I can talk to the doctor, but that's not the same as getting understanding from your family. I feel like you don't want me around. Well, maybe you don't want me around if I'm depressed. Too bad. That's the way I am. I wish I was different. I wish I could be the happy, sunny person you want to be around. I may never be like that. I hope so, but it doesn't seem likely at this point. I don't know whether I'll ever NOT be depressed. This has been going on longer than you realize. I've always tried to hide it. I was suicidal at 8 years old and possibly younger. I didn't know what to do about it or whom to talk to or how to talk about it. I never felt like you'd understand even then. Maybe it seems like it came out of the blue, but every time I've tried, you tell me I'm being stupid (that does NOT make me feel better, by the way) or that I'm fine and stop acting like that. If it was that simple, do you think I'd be going around trying to kill myself? Who WANTS to feel like that? But really, I don't get the feeling that you'd rather have me around. I feel unwanted and unloved. I'm just a burden to you and nothing else. I really wish I could go out on my own and forget about you.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011


Today, I had to take my dog, Bucky to the vet. It was supposed to be routine, just a heartworm test and rabies vaccine. However, when I got there, I discovered that he needed 2 other vaccines (which I didn't have the money for--my dad had only given me money for the previous 2 items mentioned). I was very upset because then I ended up putting the extra on my credit card, which already has a $70 visit to Sam's on it, a $134 eye exam, and will have my contact lenses on it, too.

My appointment was at 10:00 am, which I was hoping was early enough for them not to get too far behind. However, they misplaced my chart and called everyone in but me. I wasn't too upset. Mistakes happen and they got me in as soon as I drew their attention to it. During his exam, though, the vet discovered that Bucky has a heart murmur. It's still in the early stages, she said, but he will require medication. I know this is one of those things that will progress and continue to get worse, but I'm hoping he has, at least, 3 years left, preferably more.

When I came back out into the waiting room, I chatted for a while with a woman a few years older than I who had a dog (Jack Russell terrier) with similar behavioral characteristics to Bucky. She had gotten a behavioral specialist (a "dog whisperer") to help her, but I said I couldn't afford that and explained why. She said she had medical expenses, too, and said she didn't have a lot of money either, but she was an animal lover and was worried about her dog because he'd somehow lost a toenail and was in pain. She just couldn't stand seeing him like that, so brought him to the vet anyway. I understood what she was saying, too, because I don't have children and Bucky is the only thing that keeps me going. If anything happened to him, I just couldn't stand it.

When I went to check out, I was dismayed to find out how high the bill was, then the woman I'd been chatting to said to put $20 of the bill onto her credit card. Of course, I couldn't allow her to do that, but she insisted. She said she had cancer and there was no cure, but she wanted to help me because she knew what it was like to have medical bills and not know how to pay for your pet's medications. I tried not to cry. It was so sweet of her to think of others when she had other things to be concerned with, like her own health. But she seemed to be fine and seemed like she was past being concerned about it and wanted to think of others instead. Really, I wish there was something I could do in return. She deserves to live a long and healthy life. Life can certainly be unkind to some of the nicest people. I wish I'd learned her name before she got called into the examining room. I just can't say enough how sweet that was of her. I know she'd have paid more if she could afford it.

Friday, February 4, 2011


OH...MY...GOD!! There is actually SNOW...ON THE GROUND!!! To understand why this is such a strange occurrence you have to know that the last time there was snow on the ground was when I was about 11 or 12. I'm now 39. We've had rare instances when there was snow in the air that melted before it hit the ground, but only about 2 or 3 times in the past several years. Really weird.

Thursday, February 3, 2011


I used to do a little beading in the past. It's been a while, though! But I wanted to buy a pretty pendant for a friend who likes to make jewelry, also, since it was her birthday last month. I don't get to see her but once a month, so I knew I had time to shop around and find the right gift. At first, I thought I'd buy something for her apartment since she's been fixing it up. I thought a throw for the sofa or a pretty pillow or something along those lines would look nice in there since I know what colors she likes, etc. However, I couldn't find anything I liked for the $20 I could afford (that's usually been our budget for gifts, so I'm not skimping).

Then, I remembered Nomadic Notions, whic
h is this bead store I liked in Alamo Heights. However, when I drove over there, I found out that the store is completely gone now. I'm so disappointed because they always had really unique items, like pendants, incense, scarves and stuff besides the beads that really made it a fun, almost bohemian atmosphere to shop in. I didn't know where else to go because I never went anywhere but there or Hobby Lobby when I wanted beads. I remembered seeing a small bead store near Hobby Lobby and thought I'd try that one. I went there and she had a decent selection, but it was mostly strands of gemstones and glass beads and a few findings. She didn't really have many pendants, which is what I usually find the most fun to shop for. That's what I really wanted to buy for H. So, I looked around a bit and found some jade or aventurine beads that were really pretty. There were some pearls about the same size (not perfectly round but "potato" shaped) and some pretty cloisonne beads that looked very nice with the aventurine. I don't know that I'm great at jewelry-making, but I thought the colors worked well together and thought that then I'd make a necklace for her instead of just the pendant I'd planned. In the end, I made a simple pair of earrings to match:

It was a lot of fun to make it and I wanted to make more jewelry. So I made a simple pair of crystal earrings for myself:

Today, I went to Hobby Lobby, who were having a 50% off sale on a lot of their beads. I bought a few strands of gemstones and pearls, although not the longer strands available in bead stores. I wish findings had been on sale, too. I could have bought some chains, clasps, and ear wires. Oh well. Another time. The thing that upset me was that the cashier didn't take the 50% off of 3 of my items. I'm really unhappy about that. Perhaps I'll make an online purchase on Fire Mountain Gems or something. They're relatively inexpensive, despite shipping costs.