Travel?

It's a possibility. Don't know yet. It wouldn't be until the end of the summer and, of course, all of this hinges on whether I get a job first. But I'm excited at the prospect. I talked to IP on the phone and she wanted me to come up for a visit. Duh, I'd love to. However, for some of the time I'd be babysitting. Fine. I haven't seen her kids in ages. I know she's really in a bind and had no one else to ask. Her hubby's kids are in college and in summer classes. She and Hubby don't have any more vacation time because they've taken the two weeks before that, and that leaves 2 weeks with no one else who can watch the kids. If I'm still unemployed, I'm the obvious choice as I'd have nothing to keep me from doing it. She'd pay for the flight, compensate me for the time, and we'd still get to spend a lot of time together, something we didn't really get to do a whole lot of at R's wedding. That was the last time I saw her, in 2002. So, I hope I'll get to go because I miss her terribly since she moved to NJ. We still end phone calls by saying, "I love you." We're like sisters.

Of course, that's not to say that there wouldn't be something great about having to tell her I couldn't go because I couldn't get time off work. I'd love to find a job. Then, I'd have money to visit another time on my own. I wouldn't want to put her in a bind again with no one else to help her, but really I need a job pretty badly.

Assuming this works out, though, I have one question. You can e-mail TSA, which I did, but they just sent me some automated response that details the already posted security regulations. My question is whether there's some way I can take my toothpaste in my carry on. It's a 6 oz. tube and too large for the 3 oz. restriction on liquids, gels, etc. But, it doesn't come in a travel size and it's the only brand I could find that doesn't have flouride, which I'm allergic to. I don't know if I'd be able to find it up there as it's hard to find down here. So, I'd prefer to take it with me. Don't know if they can make an exception. Even if I have to get a note from the doctor, I'll do it. I just don't know what else to do, except to buy an extra tube and ship it to IP ahead of time. That costs money, though. Money I don't have. : ( We'll see what happens.

Dad?

Well, to me he just looks like Dad. Apparently the lady at the library thought he looked like he should have been my husband! Well, I didn't think she was saying I look old, so it must have been that my dad looks pretty young. Really, he doesn't look 62. At the oldest, he looks 50. And only my dad would get upset at the compliment and think he had to defend himself by telling the woman I'm his daughter and not his wife. I didn't even hear what she said, but my dad told me about it later in the car. "Like I was just telling your wife..." Wow. Looking good, Dad! So, I had to tease him and call him "Hubby" all day.

So the library here is going to be doing the thing like they do in FW. That means, a little receipt that tells you when your book is due, as opposed to a re-usable sticker with a stamp on it that couldn't get lost because it was attached to the book. Personally, I liked the old system better. I know that receipt isn't sticking around.

Then, at Starbucks, I thought I was going to get a strawberries and cream Frappuccino, but they didn't have the light cream base yet. Soon, though. So, I got a passion tea lemonade because I wasn't sure my stomach could handle coffee just yet. It probably could have, but I thought I'd give my stomach another couple of days to be sure. It was hot everywhere we went, too. I mean, maybe the temperature wasn't that high (personally, I think it was hot enough), but the humidity made it worse and no one had their a/c on high enough. Really, it's almost June in Texas. Surely this isn't sneaking up on them all. It's been getting warmer all month.

Anyway, other than that we had a good time and laughed a lot. Dad still said he wanted to go to FW next week, so woohoo! He just has some errands to do first, but then we can go. I was afraid the doctor bill would be too high, but maybe he just misses R. Good, because I did, too. Even though I may be allergic to her and that might be the source of the stomach viruses. Both of them occurred when I saw her. Coincidence?...

Again!!!

Really, could it be something more serious? I just had yet another stomach virus! I had been feeling a little queasy for about a week or so, but it finally got me on Saturday afternoon. R was here for a visit and I also got to see my grandmother since my dad brought her along as a Mother's Day lunch. So, at least I got to have lunch with everyone, but then I got really sick later and R took off to visit with our friend H. I felt too bad to go. I ended up in the bathroom throwing up all afternoon and evening. Really, I just did NOT want to go through that again. I asked Mom to take me to the doctor, but she said she didn't even have a credit card and was really upset because she didn't know what to do. So I called Dad and he drove me to the clinic, only to find that it was closed. Great. And it's not as if the drive was doing me any good. Dad was driving like this was a life or death emergency, too. I had to keep reminding him that it was okay and he could slow down.

We thought we'd find a pharmacy that was open and get some advice from the pharmacist, but all of them were closed, too. You wouldn't know it, but this is a big city and things don't usually close down that early. You'd think that we'd have at least one Walgreen's that's open 24 hours, but no. We didn't find one until we got to the Medical Center next to one of the hospitals. Luckily they had one bottle left of nausea medicine, which I took immediately. Then Dad gave me his credit card in case I needed to go to the doctor in the morning and took me home. I managed to relax and try to sleep, but my stomach was still churning and I couldn't really sleep. But I managed to make it until morning before the throwing up started again.

Mom was gone for some reason, so I got R to take me, although I didn't want to do that to her. I just knew I wouldn't stop throwing up and I didn't want to have the lengthy recovery that comes along with esophageal damage. She was nice about it, though, and took me to the clinic which isn't too far from our apartment. They were pretty busy, so it took forever for them to call me. When I went to the one in FW they saw me right away. Oh well. It was pretty uncomfortable waiting because I was so tired and wanted to sleep, but I had to have this trash can by my head in case I threw up. Eventually, they took me in to an examining room and took my vitals. It took a long time for the doctor to come in. By then, R had come in from outside and she said she'd fallen asleep. Lucky girl. The doctor said he wanted to do some blood work and give me a shot and give me an IV with fluids. I barely knew what he was saying except I heard the blood work and IV part, but I knew ahead of time that it wouldn't be pleasant.

The shot was this medicine for nausea that's stronger than the stuff I got at the pharmacy over-the-counter. But, of course, they had to stick it in my ASS! Fantastic. So, they're giving me the shot and THEN they tell me it might burn. Right at that moment, it felt like the needle had transformed into a blade and they were stabbing me. It didn't burn, but it was a lot more pain than I expected. Then, I had to have the IV and I was already upset from the shot and R couldn't calm me down. Luckily the shot made me sleepy and I took a little nap while the first bag of fluid was hanging. I had to have 2 bags. After that they took my vitals again and let me go home. When I paid for it, the guy said he gave me a discount, but it was only like $20. That made the total $426 or something. I was kind-of loopy so I don't really remember. Then I went home and went to sleep and R stayed on to talk with Mom for a while before she headed home. I was pretty disappointed that she and I didn't get to go to Starbucks one more time or something before she had to go, but I really wasn't feeling up to it.

The only good thing is that I got to see her for a little while before I got really sick. Mom and R picked up my prescription later and it was the nasty suppositories that I had to take when I had the stomach flu. The only good thing about those is that they make me really goofy and sleepy so I'm only barely conscious of the whole thing. So I pretty much slept until Wednesday morning, barely eating because I was still too nauseous. Feeling better today, but still queasy every now and then. Luckily I've been able to eat. R got me some of the booklets from Weight Watchers (which she is often trying to sell on everyone--understandable since she lost 25 pounds on it so far), so I can try the plan and see if I can lose the last 10 pounds I've been wanting to lose. It would be cool to be able to wear a bikini. : )

Well, not much is going on other than that. Mainly I'm just trying to get better. I hope this doesn't happen again. They tested my liver function at the clinic and said the results came back normal. Don't know what else it could be, but it seems weird that I'd get 2 stomach viruses that close together. Is it my immune system?

Doctor?

Really, I just totally forgot. I'm glad they call to confirm the day before. So, I've got to leave in a few minutes. I'd hate to forget and be charged for missing an appointment. Maybe it's good that they do that (charge for missed appointments) as a way to provide incentives for continuing your treatment. I know it's easy to just wallow in self-pity and want to stay home all the time and never do anything. But those wouldn't be reasons I'd miss them. I just don't remember dates very well. I knew I had an appointment sometime this month, but I didn't remember exactly when, and I don't know where my appointment card is. I even wrote it on my calendar to help me remember. I just hadn't been marking off days on it or anything. So I totally didn't even know what day it was yesterday to even know I had an appointment today. Dummy.

I did a lot of cleaning yesterday. I did clean the bathtub and it took forever. I cleaned the sink and counters and the toilet. Then I did tons of laundry. It took all day, actually. I knew it would be bad. Somewhere in there I did find time to eat and do some reading. I got to the Febreezed book and tried not to hold it too close to my face. Then I'd smell my hands afterwards to make sure I didn't get any of it in my eyes. That would be awful. So far it doesn't seem to transfer very well, so I hope I'm safe reading it. The next thing would be to see if the book is even worth the trouble. So far the jury's still out. I may end up going to the library again this Saturday. There was already another one that I started to read, but didn't like. So, maybe I'm going through them too quickly, but I saw a couple of others I wanted to read when I was there last. Maybe they'd still be there.

Anyway, I guess I'd better get going. Maybe I'll go to Bucky's (Starbucks) after all today just to be out of the house. I already had to put makeup on and everything, so it seems silly to do that and then only go to a 15 minute doctor appointment. We'll see. I'm sure a passion tea lemonade would be tasty.

Icky!

This is so gross, I don't even want to post a picture. But my drain was stopped up for a while in the bathroom. It was nasty. I tried Drain-o and all sorts of things to unstop it. Nothing worked. I guess I didn't want to call the office. I was hoping it was nothing. But having to clean the bathtub after every shower really started to suck. I'm sick of it! So, yesterday I broke down and called the office. She said she'd send someone that day and everything. Well, I'd been up since 5:30, so it seemed like forever. He came around 2:00 or so. He was in there quite a while, taking cell phone calls the whole time. I heard him test it when he was done, but I don't know. I'm skeptical. Hopefully if I clean the bathtub today I won't have to do it again tomorrow. But I've got to clean it. It's disgusting! Soap buildup everywhere. It gets all sludgy. Eeewwww! So I'm going to be cleaning for a while. Then I've probably got to do some laundry. If R is coming, I'll need towels and right now they're all dirty. Hopefully she'll be able to take a shower without it being too gross in there. I sure hope that guy fixed it.

My Febreezed book still smells like smoke a little, but it's better. It was really strong before and now the smell isn't as bad, but I hope it doesn't mess with my allergies while I'm reading it. Maybe I'll Febreeze it again. We'll see. I'm almost finished with my other book. I was going to go to Starbucks today, but maybe I'll save my money until R gets here. I wish I had enough money to go to Bath and Body Works. I need a sugar scrub and a body butter. Probably need a bunch of other things, too, but I know that's harder to do. I just love the stuff over there. It's probably my favorite store aside from Starbucks. : )

I'm probably on the computer to stall. I just don't really want to be cleaning today. But I need to take a shower and the idea of doing it before it's clean is repulsive. I know I've got to do it. It just won't be pleasant. I've also got to pay my car insurance bill. I put the money in the bank yesterday and I need to check to make sure it's there. They used to have these cool ATMs that you didn't need an envelope for. They just used your card information to put it into your account. Now, apparently there were problems with those ATMs because the old ones are back and I had to try to remember my account number! I haven't had to use that for soooo long. I hope I guessed right. So I've got to check my account first before I pay the bill. Luckily it's all the same company (USAA--they rock, by the way) so I can do it all on their website. The insurance is only for military and employees of the company, plus their dependants. But the bank isn't. Anyone can join the bank and it's so awesome that I'd recommend it to everyone. They rebate ATM fees from any ATM. I mean that too. Any other bank's ATM fees they will rebate back to you. They also have these awesome postage-paid envelopes that they send to you so you can mail in deposits if you need to. You don't even need to go to the bank. Plus, you can do just about anything on their website, even order checks (free, BTW). They rock!

Oh well. I've probably put this off long enough. I better get to cleaning. : ( Talk to you all later.

Bipolar stuff

I realize that I haven't much blogged about bipolar stuff, although it's in the title of my blog. Well, at least not lately. Really, the main thing, should you have this thing, or any other psychiatric disorder, is that this takes time to recover from. It's not easy, even with meds. I think I'm relatively lucky in that I think I got the diagnosis rather quickly in only a year and a half after beginning treatment for depression. Everyone thought it was just a really bad depression. I was just lucky that my therapist (psychologist) could tell from our sessions that it was probably bipolar disorder and she and my psychiatrist got together because they work in the same building. Lucky. My psychiatrist then switched meds for me. Great. Still, I had to try a few different medications before I found Trileptal. But, I had hope for the first time in life. I knew I was on the right track and that helped me get through the trial and error period. I knew I might have to be on a combination of meds and I just had to be patient. Really, on the Trileptal alone, I couldn't think clearly. It was like I was walking around confused and distracted all the time. I couldn't even read because I couldn't follow a paragraph without having to reread it over and over again. It became more frustrating than relaxing. My doctor knew I just needed an additional medication and he added Geodon, an antipsychotic. When he suggested it, I went home and researched it first thing. At the mention of it being an antipsychotic, I was scared. I was afraid he was changing the diagnosis to schizophrenia. That was frightening to me. But in the end, I was so desperate to feel better that I didn't care. As long as the medication worked, what did it matter what the diagnosis was? Through further research, I saw that Geodon is given for bipolar disorder, so I was a little relieved, although I don't know why. But the Geodon helped with my concentration. I was finally able to read again, although I started slow. In low doses, I still had to concentrate really hard to follow a story, but as my doctor raised it my focus got better and now I'm back to my usual Shakespeare-reading self. Wow.

Now, I don't know how I'd handle a job just now. I haven't worked while on meds. At my last job, I was only on Paxil and I felt like crap. I was still depressed and I had trouble keeping up with the workload. Plus, after that car accident, I was suffering the effects of post-traumatic stress syndrome. The nightmares kept getting worse. I had to sleep with the lights on. Really, I wasn't sleeping well and I was going to work in a daze. Not good. Still, that was the longest I'd ever held down a job and over all I liked that job. I just don't want to do that much driving again. I can only hope that I'm better adjusted now and can handle normal work stressors. But I've taken a long time off. I haven't worked since March of 2003. Well, I take that back. I was let go from the job in March (with the option to go back if there was an opening), but I hadn't actually worked since that winter, then I was on a medical leave until March. Whatever. Still, it's been a long time and I don't know how to deal with that question in interviews. It always comes up. When I tried to explain to someone that it was personal (hint: I don't think it's appropriate to talk about it), she said, "So, you've just been hanging out?" like I was just lazy or something! How can I get across that I don't want to talk about it in a polite way that doesn't hint that I'm unreliable or something? How? If I say it was a medical leave, that still sounds like I'm unreliable. I know that technically they can't use that as a reason not to hire me, but good luck proving that's the reason they didn't hire me. I'm now registered at three different temp agencies. Should I register with several more or what? I just need a job. The graphic designer part can come later (hopefully).

Anyway, just to let you know that this could take a while, and you still have to do some work to get there. The meds can only take you so far. There are books to help as well as therapy and even group therapy. Sometimes it just helps to know you can get better. Sometimes it helps to know you're not alone. Sometimes it helps to go through and make a list of everything that makes you happy. Make a list of the things you have going for you right now. Make a list of things you did every day to prove to yourself that you can get up and do something and not just sleep. Even if it's just watching TV, eating, and hygiene, that's something. Plus, you have to think of all the hard times you've seen and how you've managed to get this far. It can't hurt to wait longer during your treatment. And I can't stress the importance of taking an active role in your treatment. You need to follow your medications and read up on them. You need to remind your doctor of what you're taking every visit and check with him or her on drug interactions every time. It might seem stupid, because they write everything down, but it can't hurt to be on top of it yourself. Doctors can make mistakes. They're only human. This means over-the-counter medications as well as herbal remedies and vitamins. Everything. Also, if you don't like your doctor, switch doctors. This is your treatment, not theirs. You have to be comfortable talking about some really personal topics with him or her. This is a big deal to get better and you have to do some things you may not like, but you should always like your doctor. And inform all of your doctors, dentists, etc. of all the meds you're on. That's really important. I knew someone who ended up on 12 different meds because her doctor kept prescribing drugs every time she had a problem and didn't keep track of what she was on. She was too depressed to care what happened to her and it ended up messing her up. Don't do that. Don't assume everyone is keeping track for you. That's your job.

Anyway, I'm not pretending I'm 100% better, but I'm so much better than I was before that it feels like a complete recovery to me. Still, I know I'll have to keep adjusting my meds throughout my life. That's normal. This is a genetic condition and there is no cure. All I can do is deal with it and hope I can get on with my life. I've wasted too much of it being miserable. To be honest, even the manic episodes weren't so great. I told my therapist that it almost felt worse to be manic than depressed because I was more impatient with people and they couldn't stand being around me. I was also more irrational and irritable. I could lose my temper over the slightest thing. I hated that feeling of not being in control.

Well, I don't see that I have any plans for today, but R may be coming down for a weekend. Should be fun. Last time I went up to FW I got the stomach flu, so hopefully neither of us will be sick when we get together this time. I'd better go heavy on the green tea. : )

Check out R's blog here. Will try to get a list of blogs up here sometime soon.

Sicky : (

Felt like crap yesterday. Really, I thought I was getting a cold. Mostly, I was nauseous. All I had to eat was bad stuff (stuff I probably shouldn't have bought in the first place), so I ended up eating something I shouldn't have. Yucky. I didn't feel good after that. Actually, I was feeling bad the day before, too. Anyway, so all day I felt like I was trying not to hurl. It just gave me flashbacks of the stomach flu. Like I want to relive that nightmare. Then, last night, I lost my battle and ended up hurling, plus I got a fever. Oh no. I just did not want to be sick. Please don't let me get sick!

This morning I felt better, although I wasn't terribly hungry. I was tired, but that was about it. Bucky had a bathroom emergency and woke me up, but it was dark out, so I thought it was really early. Turns out it was just extra cloudy. Oh well. So, I didn't really get any more sleep. Finished all my library books, though, so I wanted to do that today. Dad wanted Tex-Mex. Not my first choice after last night, but I figured I could find something on the menu that wasn't too greasy or spicy. Sure enough, I did. It was really tasty, too. Then, Dad and I went to the library. Nothing exciting, but I found about 4 books I wanted to read. One of them smelled like smoke really bad, so I sprayed it with Febreeze when I got home. Hope that helps, although now I'm waiting for it to dry out. Usually I just suffer the smell and take lots of Benadryl, but I'm hoping I can avoid it this time. Anyway, then we went to Walmart and got a few things, but it was so crowded we didn't really look around. Dad was in a foul mood, but I think it's just because it was so crowded in there that he couldn't relax. He doesn't like lots of people around.

At Starbucks I got a passion tea lemonade, hoping that would be easier on my stomach than coffee. It tasted good, too. Dad got his usual grande decaf, which was Sumatra today. He said he liked it, but I wasn't so sure he'd like it because it's so strong. Luckily he did. Drank it pretty fast, too. After that, we decided to see if they had an espresso machine at Big Lots. They didn't, but they did have all this stuff from Pier 1, for some reason. Most of it was outdoor furniture, which I wouldn't need, and it was only 25% off of Pier 1's price. Really, at Big Lots I'd expect a bigger discount, but that doesn't always happen. Sometimes they can be a bit high, which seems weird. Anyway, they didn't have an espresso machine. : (

After that, we just went to HEB, and Dad had to use the restroom, so I took that opportunity to look at the make-up. I never get to do that, just browse make-up. So, I was looking, thinking I'd see if I could find some eyeshadow since the one I have is almost gone. I saw some I liked and I was debating whether to ask Dad if I could get it, then my eye was drawn to those yellow store coupons hanging all over the aisle. It was $3 off! Not $1, but $3! Well, my next thought is that it's only off certain things and not off the one I want to buy, but it wasn't. It was ALL Revlon cosmetics, no matter the price. Kick-ass!! So, I got the eyeshadow for under $2! It's a quad, too. Awesome. HEB rocks! Didn't need that many groceries, either. Still had stuff from last week. Certainly didn't need any bread. I wanted some produce, mainly fruit. They had a special on grapes, but I saw that they had cherries, and I wanted some. But OH MY GOODNESS, they were $10 a pound! $10! Hell no. When are cherries in season, because I want some and it just seems like they're always expensive. Is there ever a time when they're only $2 a pound or something?

Anyway, it was good to get home and see Bucky and to spray the book with Febreeze. I didn't like my car smelling like smoke with that book in there. Yuck. If only smokers couldn't check out books. It used to suck when I worked at Blockbuster and the smokers would return their movies. Oh my goodness the stink in that drop box! My eyes were always watering and my sinuses hurt. Yuck. If you're a smoker out there, I'm sorry. I don't have a problem with you personally, it's just that tobacco aggravates my allergies. It's not you, it's me. Really.

Hope everyone is well. Take care.

Here is my dog...

His name is Starbuck. There's a story, actually. I was locked out of the house while Mom was adopting him for me, just before Thanksgiving, and I waited at a Starbucks for an hour and a half. Well, I didn't know why Mom didn't come straight home to let me in. It was a surprise. I was just mad as hell. But, all was forgiven as soon as I laid eyes on this poofy little puppy. He's a little papillon, a spaniel. Look at those ears! Cute!

He's adorable and really sweet. Well, he's sweet to me. He can be a little tyrant at times and he's extremely protective of me. But he's really loving. Other than the usual "Baby", "Sweetheart" etc. type nicknames, I have a few others.

Bucky
Buckmeister
Licky
Little Bitty
Bitty
Buckster
Cutie Pie
Barky

You know, whatever comes out first. I love my dog. I don't have kids. Whaddayagonnado? He's my baby. : )