Sunday, February 20, 2011

What am I going to do?

To my family, I'm sorry I'm like this. I wish I could be normal and go back to work. Maybe you think I'm fine and that I should be able to function like this, but I'm obviously not doing that or I'd still be working. I would be able to get up and take care of my room and shower more often, etc. Maybe you think I'm exaggerating or being lazy, but I'm not. It takes a lot of effort to do the little I do. It takes tons of energy just to get out of bed. I'm tired of making excuses. No one ever believes me. But really, I wish I could talk to you about this. I wish you'd understand. I know you don't or you wouldn't be upset at me. I feel like you'd be better off without me so I wouldn't be such a burden on you. That's the way you make me feel. I know you think that if you're unkind I will "snap out of it" and go back to work. But that's not how it's actually making me feel. Maybe you're just frustrated at my lack of progress. Surely, you know I feel the same way. I'm frustrated. But I wish I could talk about this with you. I can talk to the doctor, but that's not the same as getting understanding from your family. I feel like you don't want me around. Well, maybe you don't want me around if I'm depressed. Too bad. That's the way I am. I wish I was different. I wish I could be the happy, sunny person you want to be around. I may never be like that. I hope so, but it doesn't seem likely at this point. I don't know whether I'll ever NOT be depressed. This has been going on longer than you realize. I've always tried to hide it. I was suicidal at 8 years old and possibly younger. I didn't know what to do about it or whom to talk to or how to talk about it. I never felt like you'd understand even then. Maybe it seems like it came out of the blue, but every time I've tried, you tell me I'm being stupid (that does NOT make me feel better, by the way) or that I'm fine and stop acting like that. If it was that simple, do you think I'd be going around trying to kill myself? Who WANTS to feel like that? But really, I don't get the feeling that you'd rather have me around. I feel unwanted and unloved. I'm just a burden to you and nothing else. I really wish I could go out on my own and forget about you.

No comments: