Monday, November 22, 2010


So, today, most of the day, I'm just sort of annoyed. I had to go to the gynecologist, which meant going to the depressing, ghetto hospital downtown where I have to pay to park before even going into the lot, whether there is actually a space or not, then wait in a noisy, uncomfortable room where the staff are rude and as depressed as I am. I had to wait an immensely long time, too, even though I was a half hour early and they got me in early anyway. Apparently, it's a teaching hospital, which means they have a conference after each patient leaves, usually lasting about an hour, before they'll even dismiss me and give me my prescriptions. It was longer than that, I think. Plus, I had a major migraine and there were children (way too many children in a waiting room that's all tile, which makes the sound echo) screaming and running around like wild animals while the parents just looked on and did nothing. Of course, the staff did nothing about it either, even after I complained. I mean, it's a doctor's office, not a playground.

I get home, and I didn't get a call from the shop where I dropped my computer off this morning, which I was hoping for, thinking they'd at least have an idea by now what might be wrong and how much it would cost to fix it. No such luck, so I'm still on a borrowed mini-computer that I can't type on and which doesn't have all my programs or files. I want mine back ASAP.

Nothing much happens. I'm hungry and eat, watch a little TV. But, by the evening, I'm depressed again and I have no one I can really confide in. My mother always tells me I'm being stupid and it's my fault I get upset all the time. What she doesn't seem to understand is that it's a chemical imbalance in my brain that makes me feel this way, and that things could be perfect and I'd still be sad. It's not events that are making me depressed. It's the disease that's doing that, plus her attitude and that of many other people. Most of the times I was acutely suicidal were after arguments with her where I basically felt like she didn't want me around because I made her feel down and I was stupid and lazy and want to be sad on my own. I don't want to live here anymore, but there's no where else for me to go with no income. I don't want to talk to my dad because he's mentally ill himself and is ill-equipped to deal with it. No one else wants to really be there when I need them. In fact, sometimes I wait long periods before calling anyone, just to see if they'll miss me and call to see how I'm doing. I've waited as much as 2 or 3 months and no one ever calls to check on me. I usually cave at that point because I care about my family and friends, despite the fact that I'm not as important to them as they are to me. I usually want to know how they're doing, despite the fact that they don't seem to care how I'm doing. Maybe they know I'm not doing well and don't want to hear about it.

I'm just frustrated, lonely, and misunderstood. I'm going to all these doctors and taking medications that help a little in that I'm not acutely suicidal 24 hours a day, but I wish they could get it right and I'm feeling more normal and can work and then be out on my own. My other conditions are hard to diagnose. They've done all these tests and nothing ever shows up. My gynecologist wanted to do a biopsy of my uterus to check for cancer. I've heard about this procedure and women say it hurts worse than childbirth. I know that nothing will show up because nothing ever does, and I'll have to go through all of that pain and trauma for nothing and somehow have to find a way to pay for it. No, thank you. I had to order more blood tests for my thyroid since my general practitioner made that change to my medication and I feel really horrible and run-down. My old doctor's wife was an endocrinologist, with whom he'd actually discussed my case. I have more confidence in him than the other because he's managed it in the past and I've always felt fine. Of course, that means I have to pay for the test and the doctor visit because he isn't one of the University Health System doctors, but really, I don't think taking less thyroid hormone than I need is going to make me feel better and I know it's unhealthy and dangerous. I just can't get this all done fast enough. I'll have to wait for the lab results and he might want to get me re-tested, which I'll somehow have to pay for. Hopefully, he'll wait a while in between to let us pay for the other tests and doctors that I've had to have the past month and a half.

Well, the blood test is scheduled for 10:00 tomorrow morning and it's now 11:00 at night. I know I haven't been sleeping well and I'll probably be groggy tomorrow, so I'd better try to get some sleep. I've been switched to Abilify instead of the Geodon, so that might be why I'm not sleeping well. I hope that I'll get adjusted to it and that will pass. We'll see. I've only been on it for 4 days. Anyway, I had better get some sleep. Goodnight.

Monday, November 15, 2010

The last couple of weeks

Things have been a little slow the past couple of weeks, hence I have not been writing. There have been a couple of family issues, one being that my great uncle died, and the other that my uncle is in the hospital. My great uncle had a fall down the stairs and sustained a head injury. He was in the hospital for a while, but in the end passed away. My uncle has fluid in his lungs, but has been having trouble paying for the treatment. I'm not sure what the difficulty is exactly, but he's out of the hospital, but still having to go in and have the fluid removed, which he says is really painful. They're still working on how to pay for this stuff. He and my aunt are both retired, so I think they are both on Medicare. Even then, it's been $250 at a time for the doctor visits. I'm not sure why, but I don't know enough about how Medicare works to advise them. I guess it's just the proximity to my great uncle's hospital visit that scares me so much. He could recover and be okay, but I'm scared that he won't make it because he can't afford the treatment. He'd been feeling bad before that, so I suppose he should have gone to the doctor sooner. I don't know.

Anyway, that's pretty much it. Somewhat eventful, but there's not really much I can do. I don't like that feeling at all.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

My Ex

So, a while back, about 3 years ago, I dated a man I'll call N. It was winter and we knew each other for about 3 months before he was laid off at his job and had to move to Austin. This isn't a huge distance, only about an hour and a half drive from San Antonio, but we ended up losing touch. I really didn't know why or what had been going on with him in that time. But I found him on Facebook and sent him a friend request, which he accepted. Now, just recently, he wants to pick up where we left off. Of course, I really can't do that. A lot has happened and it has been 3 years, after all. But I did agree to drive up there last Monday for a visit.

I am not going to write about what we talked about necessarily, but I found out what had happened to him in the intervening years and much of it was very unpleasant or else he had no computer. So, he would have made a much greater effort if it had not been for this. I suppose I'm happy to hear that to some degree, although I'm sad to hear what he had to go through. In some ways I have missed him a great deal. We agreed that we would remain friends, whatever happened, and he is a friend at this point. I would like it to develop more, but it is just way to early to say. In other ways, a lot of things have happened. I've dated a little more since then. Those didn't work into relationships, but I've discovered some of what I like in men and some of what I don't. I don't know if N and I are compatible any more. We have stuff in common, but I'm a different person now than I was then. He finds me immensely attractive, which is a nice feeling since I don't get that very often. He is attractive to me, also, although not in the classic way. Still, I find other men easier to talk to on the phone, for instance. N is very quiet and doesn't say much. He has a sense of humor, but overall he is quiet as a person and somewhat serious. I don't know if this is really someone I could see myself with in another 5 years. I guess I just think it's too early to tell at this stage.

So, at this point, I have mixed feelings. I don't want to lead him on, but I also don't want to turn down another chance. Things could develop further, you know? Maybe after I've spent more time with him, I'll change my mind. At this point, we're friends, though. I'm interested in it becoming more and I think we have enough in common to keep it going for a little while. I don't know whether it will be long term or not. I don't want to ignore other men who come along, but I don't see myself as the type to date more than one person at a time. I'd feel horrible about myself. So, still don't know what to do. Maybe Sunday will help clear things up. Maybe it will be a few weeks from now. We'll see.