I found this CD of the Crowded House concert I saw in August from Kufala. Apparently, they were there for much, if not all, of the tour and have posted CDs for sale of many of the shows. If you were lucky enough to see them this tour and the show wasn't available as a USB purchase, try Kufala. The sound quality, to me, sounds like any other live album, although Neil has a tendency to not talk into the microphone at times! But I love that Crowded House does this so that you can have a great souvenir from the show. Kufala has shows from other artists, as well, so I may check their site again if I'm able to go to another concert any time soon. : )

Still depressed

Was just wondering before, but now I'm sure. The slightest thing will set me off. I just feel like I'm crying all the time and I'm so sick of it. I, obviously, mean to post more often than I do. Usually, if I don't, it's because I'm not feeling well. I'm either too tired to compose anything (not that this is the best writing in the world) or else I just don't feel like doing anything at all. I'm not sure where I'm going with my treatment. Everything has been staying the same for a while and I'm not sure the doctor realizes how bad I'm really feeling. I've tried explaining this, but she says I look better. Well, yes, I'm better than before, but that doesn't mean I'm feeling well. I still feel sad a lot and very emotional. I'm irritable. I don't want to be around people and I don't feel like anyone really cares, understands, or knows how I am feeling. Yes, sometimes I feel like everyone is better off without me. That's the most common "automatic thought" I have.

I don't know whether I will get better. I don't know how I can. I don't think that what I'm doing is working, but I'm tired of being broke. I don't see how I can work when I can't handle relationships or any kind of stress. I'm not very responsible right now. I can hardly wash dishes or vacuum. I don't even always shower or brush my teeth. Is this fatigue or something else? Maybe both depression and my thyroid? It's hard to stay optimistic when any progress I've made is so slight. I just don't know what to do to get myself out of this situation. If I actually get on disability and then on Medicaid, will it really help with expenses? Will the doctors be any better? I don't see how. I don't even know whether it makes any difference at all. I don't know if anyone can help me.

Getting a new G.P.

I have been trying to get a new G.P. since the old one messed up my thyroid meds. I've been calling the Carelink number forever, and the message always says that due to a high volume of calls, they cannot accept my call. I tried several times a day and always got the same message. So, I called my usual Carelink representative and she told me she couldn't do it over the phone. This is just nonsense from her (or else her usual habit of saying something once and then saying something different at another time when faced with the same question) because she'd done this for me before over the phone. The first time, she assigned me someone all the way over on the south side of town. Then she assigned me the guy who messed up my thyroid meds. So, not doing a good job so far. She said I had to call the main Carelink number and basically got me off the phone. So, I continued to call the Carelink number and getting no response. Now, I'm out of my thyroid meds, even the bad prescription, which is better than NO prescription. I had the pharmacy call him for a refill, but he never responded (sounds like him because he never responded to my requests for further blood tests, either). So, I went back to the psychiatric office to see my usual Carelink representative in person this time. I had looked online and seen that there's another clinic, but the Carelink representative said there is a waiting list to get a doctor there. They don't even know how long it will be (yes, I figured they wouldn't know. Why would they? They don't know anything.) So, I asked what I could do in the meantime. She just said to go to the emergency clinic. Oh, yippee. I just love emergency clinics. Yuck! But, what else am I to do? I just hope they'll help me and not rely solely on the TSH test, which is inaccurate, especially with me. My TSH when I was first diagnosed was 877. How can that be accurate? I'd be dead! Ugh.

I'm a Gemini?

So recent news says that I'm actually a Gemini and not a Cancer as I'd grown up to believe. Of course, I never believed in any of that stuff, like the stars can really influence our lives. But, I do have the personality traits of a Cancer. That has to be more proof that this stuff is false, right? If I'm actually a Gemini, how could I more closely match the traits from another sign if the stars influenced me when I was born? Plus, my dad is nothing like a Sagittarius. My mom and little sister are sort-of like Aries, but are they really Aries anymore? Hmm...

Am I still depressed?

I feel better overall, but it's hard for me to decide whether there are other issues besides the fatigue right now. Partly this is because I know that even people without depression can feel down or sad sometimes. I've been sad lately, although not much has really occurred to be sad about. Sometimes, it's just a song that hits in the right place, or an episode of "Doctor Who" or "Star Trek" (yes, I'm a nerd. I don't think I've made a secret of this...). It just seems to be minor things that will set me off crying. I miss my old poodle, Qui-Qui, like crazy. Everything reminds me of him and I dreamed of him the other night. When I remembered that part of the dream later that day, I broke down in tears. He passed away about 5 years ago now, so this isn't exactly grieving, is it? I've been okay, mostly, the past, say, 3 years about this. I think that it could be just about anything that would make me feel emotional about now. Is my medication not working anymore? Or, was it never as good as I thought it was? I have an appointment in another 2 and a half weeks, so I want to know what to tell my doctor. Does she adjust the medication? I'm afraid to do so. I can hardly sleep as it is, and I'm so tired from lack of sleep that I can't wake up in the mornings. I tried setting the alarm and avoiding naps to see if I slept better at night. But I don't, and I will sleep right through the alarm if I'm too tired. I just don't hear it at all. Other times, I hear it, but am too exhausted to get out of bed, so I'll just hit snooze about 3 or 4 times. By then, it's not as early as I'd like. I wanted to get up around 7 or 8, but that's beyond my abilities right now. I set the alarm for 9, but have trouble sticking to that. Maybe I'll set it for 8:30 and see if I can get up by 9, instead of setting it for 9 and getting up about 9:30 or 9:45, depending on how well I slept. I don't know if it makes any difference, though. I can be really exhausted and still not sleep. Maybe I'm somewhat manic? Don't know.

Another gripe...

Maybe some of my other gripes are pretty minor, but this one, I think, has justification. I go to my doctor's appointment on Tuesday, the one I really didn't think was necessary. I was a little early because I'd heard they'd moved the visitor and patient parking lot further down the block and I wasn't sure how far I'd have to walk. Plus, it was raining, so I allowed more time just for that. They got my information pretty quickly and then showed me to an examining room.

The previous time I'd been down there for an appointment, I'd had to wait a long time and I'd thought they'd forgotten about me. So I was prepared to wait a while. I kept looking at the clock. I'd been waiting for 30 minutes. 1 hour. 1 hour and 15 minutes. 1 hour and a half. Finally TWO HOURS later, the doctor came in. She offered no apology or explanation at all. She just said, "How are you feeling?" "Tired" was my reply, because I was trying not to go off on her. Perhaps I should have, I don't know.

The chair I'd had to wait in was really uncomfortable and my back was hurting pretty badly and I kept having to shift positions. I knew I'd be sorry later. Certainly enough, I've been having bad back pain since then, despite the ibuprofen and heating pad I've been using. Really, I'd like a deep tissue massage, but can't afford it. But that might actually get the painful knots out. Nothing else seems to work. : (

Normally, after an appointment, I've mentioned, you have to wait for an hour to be dismissed. However, I was there so long that they were closing, so the doctor solicitously offered to mail my next appointment so that I wouldn't have to wait. Uh, yeah. I don't think I would have waited whether they wanted me to or not. Plus, I doubt they wanted to stay after closing.

Afterward, since it was the last day to start the new pack of pills, I had to go to HEB right away and hope the pharmacy was still open. Yes. Then, I had to wait for my prescription to be filled. Another 40 minutes passed, although the chair was much less uncomfortable. I was still in pain, though. It was late when I got home, too late for the plans I'd made the week before.

Right now, I've just taken some ibuprofen and it's now about 4 days later, but the medication is still not really helping. The heating pad is really restrictive since I can't get any errands or chores done. I can't afford to buy a bunch of those one use pads that don't have a cord. I wish I had the $26 for a 30 minute massage. I'd prefer an hour, but I'd take the 30 minute one. Ugh.

Gonna gripe again...

Another bad day with the University Health System. I mean, I'm so glad they're paying for so much of this stuff since I don't have insurance or income, but they really could make this whole process much simpler.

I went to the gynecologist about a month ago. She wrote me a prescription for something that was really expensive. So I called her back and told her that I wanted another one that was cheaper, but still a higher dose of hormone. I went to pick it up at HEB, thrilled that it was only $7. Then, I got home and saw that it was a variable dose hormone packet and not the higher dose tablets that I wanted. Usually, on the variable dose ones, it's higher dose tablets for the first week, slightly less for the second week, low dose for the 3rd week, and nothing for the last week, so that you'll get your period. These don't work for me because, as soon as I'm not on the high dose tablets, I start to bleed and will keep bleeding the rest of the month. Not heavily, at first, but it gets heavier and is painful the whole time. I'd discussed this with her at my appointment, but I guess she didn't remember and my reminder to her that I needed a higher dose tablet didn't seem to click in her head that these other packets wouldn't work for me. So, I've been calling to get her to call in another prescription, but they've been out for the holidays and were supposed to be back today.

I called today, and not only is my doctor still not there, but they said that she can't call in another prescription unless I go back down there for another appointment. I was furious, because it's not my fault she didn't listen to me and called in the wrong prescription. However, they were adamant and told me I could switch to another doctor, but I'd still have to go in for an appointment. So, now I'm going to have to drive all the way downtown (I'm on the far north side of town), pay to park in a lot that doesn't always have spaces and they make you pay in advance (space or no space), and wait in a noisy waiting room forever with the noisy, screaming, misbehaving children running all over the place. Then, even after they see me, I have to wait for an hour after they talk to me so that they can have a conference, then dismiss me. Urgh! I hate this system. Why can't they have their little conference AFTER I leave? Why do I have to be there for that when I'm sitting in the waiting room anyway? Plus, the place is run-down, dirty, and depressing. I hate it and never want to go back there, but it's not like I have a choice. I can tell I'm still depressed because I cried all morning over this. I wish I could just deal with it, but I just don't know how. I get frustrated and I get mad when people don't seem to understand how I feel.

Anyway...