Shutting down

I may be shutting down this blog soon. I haven't been feeling up to writing and the gaps between posts seem to be getting longer and longer. I apologize for this to anyone who might be reading, but it's obvious that I don't have the energy to keep this up. I can't begin to describe how fatigued I am all the time and how much it takes out of me every time I do anything at all. I need to move out by April, which MAY mean I have to go back to work yet again (hopefully will be able to STAY there, although haven't had any luck so far). I doubt I'll be able to do this and keep up with everything else. My sister came for a visit for about 3 days and I'm feeling completely wiped out for the past 3 days. I can't imagine how I'll feel going to work every day. I can hardly stay awake right now. I used to fall asleep at my desk at work, or go home and nap when I worked out of my car. I have always had this issue for as long as I can remember. I know it's not normal, but the doctors I've seen so far don't seem to be concerned about this at all. I have no faith in them whatsoever. My only chance at getting better, I think, is to either get on disability and then on Medicare or Medicaid (although that's only because I'd see actual medical doctors instead of medical students) or else going to work and getting actual medical insurance (which is better than nothing, although I'd prefer national health care---I'd love to move to Canada or France). So, barring any of those things, which don't seem likely at this point, I have no idea what to do. I feel horrible and no one seems to care. No one knows how to help me. I'm still depressed. I just need to take care of myself right now and I don't even have the energy to do that. I'll still think about this for a few days, but right now, I think I might as well shut down.

Recovery

Everyone is now adjusting to the loss of my uncle. Of course, he was my favorite uncle or I wouldn't be so distraught. But we all know it was for the best considering how much pain he was in. That's the only thing that helps us now. It has been a few weeks, so everyone had gone back to his or her routine. My grandmother is taking it the hardest since she'd already lost my aunt and now she lost a son. Her brother-in-law passed not long ago. It's all been really hard for her. As long as she's keeping busy, she seems fine, but as soon as she's alone for a while, she dwells on the losses and gets really down. We all think she should be on an anti-depressant, but she doesn't want to take it.

Other than that, I had my 40th birthday. No party or anything, but I spent the day with my dad, eating out and then a little shopping. He'd given me a gift card to Bath and Body Works, so I wanted to spend it during their Hello Yellow Sale. : P

My friend "I", whom I haven't seen in nearly 5 years, came to visit for a couple of days. Her family came down to Texas mainly to visit her husband's family who have been dealing with illnesses and I's family wanted to spend time with them just in case. She had time to take me to lunch (I thought I was going to pay for mine, but she wanted to pay for it as a birthday gift). We went to Sushihana, which is obviously a Japanese restaurant here in town. The service was excellent and the food was amazing. Everyone loved it, even I's teenage daughter who didn't even want to try it if it wasn't sushi. At the end, I ordered dessert. She ordered 2 different ones for all of us to share (there were 4 of us), but the waiter overheard her say it was my birthday and brought a tiny one just for me of the green tea creme brulee. It was sooooooo good. : )

I spent the rest of the day with I and her family. We went back to the hotel where her husband and son told us about their trip to HEB, which they'd obviously missed. Everyone there was really friendly toward them, which they say they don't get in the northeast. Her son had gotten a lot of Jelly Belly jelly beans which he was sharing among everyone, although I was really too full from lunch to have many of them.

Anyway, my twin sis R is going to be visiting soon, too. I'm really looking forward to seeing her. She just got back from New York, so I'm sure I'll hear more about her trip. She posted her pictures on Facebook, but I'm sure she'll have more.

I've taken up crocheting since I couldn't afford to keep buying beads. They're really expensive and yarn is relatively cheap and takes a while to work. I've made a lot of things since this past winter when I started and am now working on my first tank top. Before it was afghans, scarves, and socks. I hope it goes well because I want to make other clothes and some gifts for friends for Christmas and birthdays coming up.

So, some good things have happened to take away the sting. I'm glad I got to spend so much time with my uncle before he passed. He really had a great sense of humor and was a really sweet person.

Update on my uncle

My uncle passed away just before Memorial Day and was buried the day after with military honors. It was a very moving ceremony and my heart is with my family right now. Everyone seems to be doing relatively well, although I'm most concerned with my grandmother and aunt. My grandmother had to be put on Xanax because of all of this. I'm hoping that she will start to come to terms with the loss now that the funeral has passed. My uncle was a very fun person to be around and will be greatly missed.

My uncle

Was able to see my uncle twice in the past few weeks. I wish it could have been more, but the gas to Houston is horrendous and we're soooooo broke right now. He looks like the cancer patient he is and very, very thin. He hardly has any energy even to talk, but he was very touched that we visited him, esp. since I hadn't seen him in a long time. I feel so guilty that I haven't seen more of him. He's a cool guy, I think. When he was in his 60s, he wanted to play basketball and went to the park. There were some teenagers there and he asked if he could play. Afterward, they were pretty surprised that he could play that well and that he'd beaten them so badly! We had home videos of a Christmas when I was very little where he got a basketball as one of his gifts. I asked who it was from. He said he probably gave it to himself! Anyway, I'm still wiped out from these visits and hardly able to check my e-mail, much less type something longer. Obviously, I have issues with fatigue, so this is hard for me.

The only good thing about all of this is that it's put me in touch with my cousins and my aunt again. I hope we can keep it up, even though we're in different cities. Will have to get their phone numbers from my sister, though. Anyway, I know my uncle is not doing well and getting weaker all the time. He is looking forward to dying since he's in so much pain right now. I wish he didn't have to go through that. I'm so sad about all of this.

Family issues

I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've been having family issues. My uncle is ill and we just found out that there is nothing more the doctors can do for him. I'm going to be going to Houston soon to say goodbye. : (

What am I going to do?

To my family, I'm sorry I'm like this. I wish I could be normal and go back to work. Maybe you think I'm fine and that I should be able to function like this, but I'm obviously not doing that or I'd still be working. I would be able to get up and take care of my room and shower more often, etc. Maybe you think I'm exaggerating or being lazy, but I'm not. It takes a lot of effort to do the little I do. It takes tons of energy just to get out of bed. I'm tired of making excuses. No one ever believes me. But really, I wish I could talk to you about this. I wish you'd understand. I know you don't or you wouldn't be upset at me. I feel like you'd be better off without me so I wouldn't be such a burden on you. That's the way you make me feel. I know you think that if you're unkind I will "snap out of it" and go back to work. But that's not how it's actually making me feel. Maybe you're just frustrated at my lack of progress. Surely, you know I feel the same way. I'm frustrated. But I wish I could talk about this with you. I can talk to the doctor, but that's not the same as getting understanding from your family. I feel like you don't want me around. Well, maybe you don't want me around if I'm depressed. Too bad. That's the way I am. I wish I was different. I wish I could be the happy, sunny person you want to be around. I may never be like that. I hope so, but it doesn't seem likely at this point. I don't know whether I'll ever NOT be depressed. This has been going on longer than you realize. I've always tried to hide it. I was suicidal at 8 years old and possibly younger. I didn't know what to do about it or whom to talk to or how to talk about it. I never felt like you'd understand even then. Maybe it seems like it came out of the blue, but every time I've tried, you tell me I'm being stupid (that does NOT make me feel better, by the way) or that I'm fine and stop acting like that. If it was that simple, do you think I'd be going around trying to kill myself? Who WANTS to feel like that? But really, I don't get the feeling that you'd rather have me around. I feel unwanted and unloved. I'm just a burden to you and nothing else. I really wish I could go out on my own and forget about you.

Bucky

Today, I had to take my dog, Bucky to the vet. It was supposed to be routine, just a heartworm test and rabies vaccine. However, when I got there, I discovered that he needed 2 other vaccines (which I didn't have the money for--my dad had only given me money for the previous 2 items mentioned). I was very upset because then I ended up putting the extra on my credit card, which already has a $70 visit to Sam's on it, a $134 eye exam, and will have my contact lenses on it, too.

My appointment was at 10:00 am, which I was hoping was early enough for them not to get too far behind. However, they misplaced my chart and called everyone in but me. I wasn't too upset. Mistakes happen and they got me in as soon as I drew their attention to it. During his exam, though, the vet discovered that Bucky has a heart murmur. It's still in the early stages, she said, but he will require medication. I know this is one of those things that will progress and continue to get worse, but I'm hoping he has, at least, 3 years left, preferably more.

When I came back out into the waiting room, I chatted for a while with a woman a few years older than I who had a dog (Jack Russell terrier) with similar behavioral characteristics to Bucky. She had gotten a behavioral specialist (a "dog whisperer") to help her, but I said I couldn't afford that and explained why. She said she had medical expenses, too, and said she didn't have a lot of money either, but she was an animal lover and was worried about her dog because he'd somehow lost a toenail and was in pain. She just couldn't stand seeing him like that, so brought him to the vet anyway. I understood what she was saying, too, because I don't have children and Bucky is the only thing that keeps me going. If anything happened to him, I just couldn't stand it.

When I went to check out, I was dismayed to find out how high the bill was, then the woman I'd been chatting to said to put $20 of the bill onto her credit card. Of course, I couldn't allow her to do that, but she insisted. She said she had cancer and there was no cure, but she wanted to help me because she knew what it was like to have medical bills and not know how to pay for your pet's medications. I tried not to cry. It was so sweet of her to think of others when she had other things to be concerned with, like her own health. But she seemed to be fine and seemed like she was past being concerned about it and wanted to think of others instead. Really, I wish there was something I could do in return. She deserves to live a long and healthy life. Life can certainly be unkind to some of the nicest people. I wish I'd learned her name before she got called into the examining room. I just can't say enough how sweet that was of her. I know she'd have paid more if she could afford it.

SNOW!!!!!!!

OH...MY...GOD!! There is actually SNOW...ON THE GROUND!!! To understand why this is such a strange occurrence you have to know that the last time there was snow on the ground was when I was about 11 or 12. I'm now 39. We've had rare instances when there was snow in the air that melted before it hit the ground, but only about 2 or 3 times in the past several years. Really weird.

Beads!

I used to do a little beading in the past. It's been a while, though! But I wanted to buy a pretty pendant for a friend who likes to make jewelry, also, since it was her birthday last month. I don't get to see her but once a month, so I knew I had time to shop around and find the right gift. At first, I thought I'd buy something for her apartment since she's been fixing it up. I thought a throw for the sofa or a pretty pillow or something along those lines would look nice in there since I know what colors she likes, etc. However, I couldn't find anything I liked for the $20 I could afford (that's usually been our budget for gifts, so I'm not skimping).

Then, I remembered Nomadic Notions, which is this bead store I liked in Alamo Heights. However, when I drove over there, I found out that the store is completely gone now. I'm so disappointed because they always had really unique items, like pendants, incense, scarves and stuff besides the beads that really made it a fun, almost bohemian atmosphere to shop in. I didn't know where else to go because I never went anywhere but there or Hobby Lobby when I wanted beads. I remembered seeing a small bead store near Hobby Lobby and thought I'd try that one. I went there and she had a decent selection, but it was mostly strands of gemstones and glass beads and a few findings. She didn't really have many pendants, which is what I usually find the most fun to shop for. That's what I really wanted to buy for H. So, I looked around a bit and found some jade or aventurine beads that were really pretty. There were some pearls about the same size (not perfectly round but "potato" shaped) and some pretty cloisonne beads that looked very nice with the aventurine. I don't know that I'm great at jewelry-making, but I thought the colors worked well together and thought that then I'd make a necklace for her instead of just the pendant I'd planned. In the end, I made a simple pair of earrings to match:

It was a lot of fun to make it and I wanted to make more jewelry. So I made a simple pair of crystal earrings for myself:

Today, I went to Hobby Lobby, who were having a 50% off sale on a lot of their beads. I bought a few strands of gemstones and pearls, although not the longer strands available in bead stores. I wish findings had been on sale, too. I could have bought some chains, clasps, and ear wires. Oh well. Another time. The thing that upset me was that the cashier didn't take the 50% off of 3 of my items. I'm really unhappy about that. Perhaps I'll make an online purchase on Fire Mountain Gems or something. They're relatively inexpensive, despite shipping costs.

I found this CD of the Crowded House concert I saw in August from Kufala. Apparently, they were there for much, if not all, of the tour and have posted CDs for sale of many of the shows. If you were lucky enough to see them this tour and the show wasn't available as a USB purchase, try Kufala. The sound quality, to me, sounds like any other live album, although Neil has a tendency to not talk into the microphone at times! But I love that Crowded House does this so that you can have a great souvenir from the show. Kufala has shows from other artists, as well, so I may check their site again if I'm able to go to another concert any time soon. : )

Still depressed

Was just wondering before, but now I'm sure. The slightest thing will set me off. I just feel like I'm crying all the time and I'm so sick of it. I, obviously, mean to post more often than I do. Usually, if I don't, it's because I'm not feeling well. I'm either too tired to compose anything (not that this is the best writing in the world) or else I just don't feel like doing anything at all. I'm not sure where I'm going with my treatment. Everything has been staying the same for a while and I'm not sure the doctor realizes how bad I'm really feeling. I've tried explaining this, but she says I look better. Well, yes, I'm better than before, but that doesn't mean I'm feeling well. I still feel sad a lot and very emotional. I'm irritable. I don't want to be around people and I don't feel like anyone really cares, understands, or knows how I am feeling. Yes, sometimes I feel like everyone is better off without me. That's the most common "automatic thought" I have.

I don't know whether I will get better. I don't know how I can. I don't think that what I'm doing is working, but I'm tired of being broke. I don't see how I can work when I can't handle relationships or any kind of stress. I'm not very responsible right now. I can hardly wash dishes or vacuum. I don't even always shower or brush my teeth. Is this fatigue or something else? Maybe both depression and my thyroid? It's hard to stay optimistic when any progress I've made is so slight. I just don't know what to do to get myself out of this situation. If I actually get on disability and then on Medicaid, will it really help with expenses? Will the doctors be any better? I don't see how. I don't even know whether it makes any difference at all. I don't know if anyone can help me.

Getting a new G.P.

I have been trying to get a new G.P. since the old one messed up my thyroid meds. I've been calling the Carelink number forever, and the message always says that due to a high volume of calls, they cannot accept my call. I tried several times a day and always got the same message. So, I called my usual Carelink representative and she told me she couldn't do it over the phone. This is just nonsense from her (or else her usual habit of saying something once and then saying something different at another time when faced with the same question) because she'd done this for me before over the phone. The first time, she assigned me someone all the way over on the south side of town. Then she assigned me the guy who messed up my thyroid meds. So, not doing a good job so far. She said I had to call the main Carelink number and basically got me off the phone. So, I continued to call the Carelink number and getting no response. Now, I'm out of my thyroid meds, even the bad prescription, which is better than NO prescription. I had the pharmacy call him for a refill, but he never responded (sounds like him because he never responded to my requests for further blood tests, either). So, I went back to the psychiatric office to see my usual Carelink representative in person this time. I had looked online and seen that there's another clinic, but the Carelink representative said there is a waiting list to get a doctor there. They don't even know how long it will be (yes, I figured they wouldn't know. Why would they? They don't know anything.) So, I asked what I could do in the meantime. She just said to go to the emergency clinic. Oh, yippee. I just love emergency clinics. Yuck! But, what else am I to do? I just hope they'll help me and not rely solely on the TSH test, which is inaccurate, especially with me. My TSH when I was first diagnosed was 877. How can that be accurate? I'd be dead! Ugh.

I'm a Gemini?

So recent news says that I'm actually a Gemini and not a Cancer as I'd grown up to believe. Of course, I never believed in any of that stuff, like the stars can really influence our lives. But, I do have the personality traits of a Cancer. That has to be more proof that this stuff is false, right? If I'm actually a Gemini, how could I more closely match the traits from another sign if the stars influenced me when I was born? Plus, my dad is nothing like a Sagittarius. My mom and little sister are sort-of like Aries, but are they really Aries anymore? Hmm...

Am I still depressed?

I feel better overall, but it's hard for me to decide whether there are other issues besides the fatigue right now. Partly this is because I know that even people without depression can feel down or sad sometimes. I've been sad lately, although not much has really occurred to be sad about. Sometimes, it's just a song that hits in the right place, or an episode of "Doctor Who" or "Star Trek" (yes, I'm a nerd. I don't think I've made a secret of this...). It just seems to be minor things that will set me off crying. I miss my old poodle, Qui-Qui, like crazy. Everything reminds me of him and I dreamed of him the other night. When I remembered that part of the dream later that day, I broke down in tears. He passed away about 5 years ago now, so this isn't exactly grieving, is it? I've been okay, mostly, the past, say, 3 years about this. I think that it could be just about anything that would make me feel emotional about now. Is my medication not working anymore? Or, was it never as good as I thought it was? I have an appointment in another 2 and a half weeks, so I want to know what to tell my doctor. Does she adjust the medication? I'm afraid to do so. I can hardly sleep as it is, and I'm so tired from lack of sleep that I can't wake up in the mornings. I tried setting the alarm and avoiding naps to see if I slept better at night. But I don't, and I will sleep right through the alarm if I'm too tired. I just don't hear it at all. Other times, I hear it, but am too exhausted to get out of bed, so I'll just hit snooze about 3 or 4 times. By then, it's not as early as I'd like. I wanted to get up around 7 or 8, but that's beyond my abilities right now. I set the alarm for 9, but have trouble sticking to that. Maybe I'll set it for 8:30 and see if I can get up by 9, instead of setting it for 9 and getting up about 9:30 or 9:45, depending on how well I slept. I don't know if it makes any difference, though. I can be really exhausted and still not sleep. Maybe I'm somewhat manic? Don't know.

Another gripe...

Maybe some of my other gripes are pretty minor, but this one, I think, has justification. I go to my doctor's appointment on Tuesday, the one I really didn't think was necessary. I was a little early because I'd heard they'd moved the visitor and patient parking lot further down the block and I wasn't sure how far I'd have to walk. Plus, it was raining, so I allowed more time just for that. They got my information pretty quickly and then showed me to an examining room.

The previous time I'd been down there for an appointment, I'd had to wait a long time and I'd thought they'd forgotten about me. So I was prepared to wait a while. I kept looking at the clock. I'd been waiting for 30 minutes. 1 hour. 1 hour and 15 minutes. 1 hour and a half. Finally TWO HOURS later, the doctor came in. She offered no apology or explanation at all. She just said, "How are you feeling?" "Tired" was my reply, because I was trying not to go off on her. Perhaps I should have, I don't know.

The chair I'd had to wait in was really uncomfortable and my back was hurting pretty badly and I kept having to shift positions. I knew I'd be sorry later. Certainly enough, I've been having bad back pain since then, despite the ibuprofen and heating pad I've been using. Really, I'd like a deep tissue massage, but can't afford it. But that might actually get the painful knots out. Nothing else seems to work. : (

Normally, after an appointment, I've mentioned, you have to wait for an hour to be dismissed. However, I was there so long that they were closing, so the doctor solicitously offered to mail my next appointment so that I wouldn't have to wait. Uh, yeah. I don't think I would have waited whether they wanted me to or not. Plus, I doubt they wanted to stay after closing.

Afterward, since it was the last day to start the new pack of pills, I had to go to HEB right away and hope the pharmacy was still open. Yes. Then, I had to wait for my prescription to be filled. Another 40 minutes passed, although the chair was much less uncomfortable. I was still in pain, though. It was late when I got home, too late for the plans I'd made the week before.

Right now, I've just taken some ibuprofen and it's now about 4 days later, but the medication is still not really helping. The heating pad is really restrictive since I can't get any errands or chores done. I can't afford to buy a bunch of those one use pads that don't have a cord. I wish I had the $26 for a 30 minute massage. I'd prefer an hour, but I'd take the 30 minute one. Ugh.

Gonna gripe again...

Another bad day with the University Health System. I mean, I'm so glad they're paying for so much of this stuff since I don't have insurance or income, but they really could make this whole process much simpler.

I went to the gynecologist about a month ago. She wrote me a prescription for something that was really expensive. So I called her back and told her that I wanted another one that was cheaper, but still a higher dose of hormone. I went to pick it up at HEB, thrilled that it was only $7. Then, I got home and saw that it was a variable dose hormone packet and not the higher dose tablets that I wanted. Usually, on the variable dose ones, it's higher dose tablets for the first week, slightly less for the second week, low dose for the 3rd week, and nothing for the last week, so that you'll get your period. These don't work for me because, as soon as I'm not on the high dose tablets, I start to bleed and will keep bleeding the rest of the month. Not heavily, at first, but it gets heavier and is painful the whole time. I'd discussed this with her at my appointment, but I guess she didn't remember and my reminder to her that I needed a higher dose tablet didn't seem to click in her head that these other packets wouldn't work for me. So, I've been calling to get her to call in another prescription, but they've been out for the holidays and were supposed to be back today.

I called today, and not only is my doctor still not there, but they said that she can't call in another prescription unless I go back down there for another appointment. I was furious, because it's not my fault she didn't listen to me and called in the wrong prescription. However, they were adamant and told me I could switch to another doctor, but I'd still have to go in for an appointment. So, now I'm going to have to drive all the way downtown (I'm on the far north side of town), pay to park in a lot that doesn't always have spaces and they make you pay in advance (space or no space), and wait in a noisy waiting room forever with the noisy, screaming, misbehaving children running all over the place. Then, even after they see me, I have to wait for an hour after they talk to me so that they can have a conference, then dismiss me. Urgh! I hate this system. Why can't they have their little conference AFTER I leave? Why do I have to be there for that when I'm sitting in the waiting room anyway? Plus, the place is run-down, dirty, and depressing. I hate it and never want to go back there, but it's not like I have a choice. I can tell I'm still depressed because I cried all morning over this. I wish I could just deal with it, but I just don't know how. I get frustrated and I get mad when people don't seem to understand how I feel.

Anyway...