Well, it's been a while since I was blogging. For one thing, I got extremely depressed and did not want to have anything to do with anybody or anything. I'm still not working. My disability case is still being worked on, but I got a lawyer this time. Been denied twice so far. Now it's down to a hearing sometime in the future (really, couldn't this be speeded up somehow?). I hope I'll hear about it enough in advance to prepare. It's been months since this whole thing started. Really, with me being suicidal and not being able to afford treatment, that's not good that I have to wait that long. Even so, I know that there is medical care available with the disability payments. It's just that it's cost-prohibitive. I doubt it helps at all, because I'd be paying for the plan, plus deductibles and co-payments. When you add all that up, it will probably be more expensive than what I'm paying now with no coverage. Gosh our medical system sucks. And no, I haven't seen "Sicko". I hear it's good, but I'm afraid it will just make me more pissed at the government than I already am. Yes, I'm jaded. I admit it.
Anyway, in other news, we've moved. Could no longer afford the old apartment and had to move into one that is $200 a month cheaper. So, nowhere near as nice, not that we could afford anything really nice the first time. The neighbors are noisy and the apartment management (who put it in the lease that loud noise was unacceptable) do nothing at all. Actually, they don't do much about anything else unless you badger them several times. My drain was stopped up for weeks! So, although my room is bigger and there's actually a walk-in closet for all my art supplies (well, some are stored at Grandma's--even the walk-in closet wasn't big enough for ALL of it), I still feel bummed and irritable because it's never just quiet. I need quiet sometimes. I just can't relax with noise going on all the time. I'm not sleeping well. It's certainly not helping my mood or my depression.
Still, on the Lamictal, I'm doing somewhat better. We're up to 75 mg a day now. I've only been on the new dose for a couple of days, though. On 50 mg, I was still having episodes, although they didn't seem quite as severe (still bad enough, though). I'm still taking Trileptal, although I don't see the point. I guess my doctor was afraid to take me off of it without the Lamictal being up to theraputic levels yet. But really, if the Trileptal had worked I wouldn't be needing the Lamictal. My anxiety has gotten worse. I had panic attacks and went back up to 100 mg of Zoloft, although I know it could make the manic episodes come back. I just couldn't stand the panic attacks. Hopefully this will all get straightened out at some point. I know my doctor doesn't want me on too many medications and will take me off the Trileptal and Zoloft when I'm feeling better. Hopefully that won't be too much longer. I'm really sick of this.
Anyway, I guess I just had to vent a little. Not much going on except medical stuff most of the time. I was volunteering at this artist-in-residence program/art gallery here in town. However, they said they didn't need me this coming semester. I'm really sorry about that because I enjoyed it, even though all I could manage was 10 hours a week (and was sick for 4 days in the 2 months I was there). At least since I was a volunteer I didn't get fired. I will finish the neon pieces that need to be done, but after that I don't know. I let them know I'm interested in working there permanently, although it will have to be part-time, of course.
Well, I guess that's all for now. Hope everyone out there is feeling okay and not as depressed as I am.