Still depressed

Was just wondering before, but now I'm sure. The slightest thing will set me off. I just feel like I'm crying all the time and I'm so sick of it. I, obviously, mean to post more often than I do. Usually, if I don't, it's because I'm not feeling well. I'm either too tired to compose anything (not that this is the best writing in the world) or else I just don't feel like doing anything at all. I'm not sure where I'm going with my treatment. Everything has been staying the same for a while and I'm not sure the doctor realizes how bad I'm really feeling. I've tried explaining this, but she says I look better. Well, yes, I'm better than before, but that doesn't mean I'm feeling well. I still feel sad a lot and very emotional. I'm irritable. I don't want to be around people and I don't feel like anyone really cares, understands, or knows how I am feeling. Yes, sometimes I feel like everyone is better off without me. That's the most common "automatic thought" I have.

I don't know whether I will get better. I don't know how I can. I don't think that what I'm doing is working, but I'm tired of being broke. I don't see how I can work when I can't handle relationships or any kind of stress. I'm not very responsible right now. I can hardly wash dishes or vacuum. I don't even always shower or brush my teeth. Is this fatigue or something else? Maybe both depression and my thyroid? It's hard to stay optimistic when any progress I've made is so slight. I just don't know what to do to get myself out of this situation. If I actually get on disability and then on Medicaid, will it really help with expenses? Will the doctors be any better? I don't see how. I don't even know whether it makes any difference at all. I don't know if anyone can help me.

Sadness

So, today, most of the day, I'm just sort of annoyed. I had to go to the gynecologist, which meant going to the depressing, ghetto hospital downtown where I have to pay to park before even going into the lot, whether there is actually a space or not, then wait in a noisy, uncomfortable room where the staff are rude and as depressed as I am. I had to wait an immensely long time, too, even though I was a half hour early and they got me in early anyway. Apparently, it's a teaching hospital, which means they have a conference after each patient leaves, usually lasting about an hour, before they'll even dismiss me and give me my prescriptions. It was longer than that, I think. Plus, I had a major migraine and there were children (way too many children in a waiting room that's all tile, which makes the sound echo) screaming and running around like wild animals while the parents just looked on and did nothing. Of course, the staff did nothing about it either, even after I complained. I mean, it's a doctor's office, not a playground.

I get home, and I didn't get a call from the shop where I dropped my computer off this morning, which I was hoping for, thinking they'd at least have an idea by now what might be wrong and how much it would cost to fix it. No such luck, so I'm still on a borrowed mini-computer that I can't type on and which doesn't have all my programs or files. I want mine back ASAP.

Nothing much happens. I'm hungry and eat, watch a little TV. But, by the evening, I'm depressed again and I have no one I can really confide in. My mother always tells me I'm being stupid and it's my fault I get upset all the time. What she doesn't seem to understand is that it's a chemical imbalance in my brain that makes me feel this way, and that things could be perfect and I'd still be sad. It's not events that are making me depressed. It's the disease that's doing that, plus her attitude and that of many other people. Most of the times I was acutely suicidal were after arguments with her where I basically felt like she didn't want me around because I made her feel down and I was stupid and lazy and want to be sad on my own. I don't want to live here anymore, but there's no where else for me to go with no income. I don't want to talk to my dad because he's mentally ill himself and is ill-equipped to deal with it. No one else wants to really be there when I need them. In fact, sometimes I wait long periods before calling anyone, just to see if they'll miss me and call to see how I'm doing. I've waited as much as 2 or 3 months and no one ever calls to check on me. I usually cave at that point because I care about my family and friends, despite the fact that I'm not as important to them as they are to me. I usually want to know how they're doing, despite the fact that they don't seem to care how I'm doing. Maybe they know I'm not doing well and don't want to hear about it.

I'm just frustrated, lonely, and misunderstood. I'm going to all these doctors and taking medications that help a little in that I'm not acutely suicidal 24 hours a day, but I wish they could get it right and I'm feeling more normal and can work and then be out on my own. My other conditions are hard to diagnose. They've done all these tests and nothing ever shows up. My gynecologist wanted to do a biopsy of my uterus to check for cancer. I've heard about this procedure and women say it hurts worse than childbirth. I know that nothing will show up because nothing ever does, and I'll have to go through all of that pain and trauma for nothing and somehow have to find a way to pay for it. No, thank you. I had to order more blood tests for my thyroid since my general practitioner made that change to my medication and I feel really horrible and run-down. My old doctor's wife was an endocrinologist, with whom he'd actually discussed my case. I have more confidence in him than the other because he's managed it in the past and I've always felt fine. Of course, that means I have to pay for the test and the doctor visit because he isn't one of the University Health System doctors, but really, I don't think taking less thyroid hormone than I need is going to make me feel better and I know it's unhealthy and dangerous. I just can't get this all done fast enough. I'll have to wait for the lab results and he might want to get me re-tested, which I'll somehow have to pay for. Hopefully, he'll wait a while in between to let us pay for the other tests and doctors that I've had to have the past month and a half.

Well, the blood test is scheduled for 10:00 tomorrow morning and it's now 11:00 at night. I know I haven't been sleeping well and I'll probably be groggy tomorrow, so I'd better try to get some sleep. I've been switched to Abilify instead of the Geodon, so that might be why I'm not sleeping well. I hope that I'll get adjusted to it and that will pass. We'll see. I've only been on it for 4 days. Anyway, I had better get some sleep. Goodnight.

Noisy new place...

Well, it's been a while since I was blogging. For one thing, I got extremely depressed and did not want to have anything to do with anybody or anything. I'm still not working. My disability case is still being worked on, but I got a lawyer this time. Been denied twice so far. Now it's down to a hearing sometime in the future (really, couldn't this be speeded up somehow?). I hope I'll hear about it enough in advance to prepare. It's been months since this whole thing started. Really, with me being suicidal and not being able to afford treatment, that's not good that I have to wait that long. Even so, I know that there is medical care available with the disability payments. It's just that it's cost-prohibitive. I doubt it helps at all, because I'd be paying for the plan, plus deductibles and co-payments. When you add all that up, it will probably be more expensive than what I'm paying now with no coverage. Gosh our medical system sucks. And no, I haven't seen "Sicko". I hear it's good, but I'm afraid it will just make me more pissed at the government than I already am. Yes, I'm jaded. I admit it.

Anyway, in other news, we've moved. Could no longer afford the old apartment and had to move into one that is $200 a month cheaper. So, nowhere near as nice, not that we could afford anything really nice the first time. The neighbors are noisy and the apartment management (who put it in the lease that loud noise was unacceptable) do nothing at all. Actually, they don't do much about anything else unless you badger them several times. My drain was stopped up for weeks! So, although my room is bigger and there's actually a walk-in closet for all my art supplies (well, some are stored at Grandma's--even the walk-in closet wasn't big enough for ALL of it), I still feel bummed and irritable because it's never just quiet. I need quiet sometimes. I just can't relax with noise going on all the time. I'm not sleeping well. It's certainly not helping my mood or my depression.

Still, on the Lamictal, I'm doing somewhat better. We're up to 75 mg a day now. I've only been on the new dose for a couple of days, though. On 50 mg, I was still having episodes, although they didn't seem quite as severe (still bad enough, though). I'm still taking Trileptal, although I don't see the point. I guess my doctor was afraid to take me off of it without the Lamictal being up to theraputic levels yet. But really, if the Trileptal had worked I wouldn't be needing the Lamictal. My anxiety has gotten worse. I had panic attacks and went back up to 100 mg of Zoloft, although I know it could make the manic episodes come back. I just couldn't stand the panic attacks. Hopefully this will all get straightened out at some point. I know my doctor doesn't want me on too many medications and will take me off the Trileptal and Zoloft when I'm feeling better. Hopefully that won't be too much longer. I'm really sick of this.

Anyway, I guess I just had to vent a little. Not much going on except medical stuff most of the time. I was volunteering at this artist-in-residence program/art gallery here in town. However, they said they didn't need me this coming semester. I'm really sorry about that because I enjoyed it, even though all I could manage was 10 hours a week (and was sick for 4 days in the 2 months I was there). At least since I was a volunteer I didn't get fired. I will finish the neon pieces that need to be done, but after that I don't know. I let them know I'm interested in working there permanently, although it will have to be part-time, of course.

Well, I guess that's all for now. Hope everyone out there is feeling okay and not as depressed as I am.

Bipolar stuff

I realize that I haven't much blogged about bipolar stuff, although it's in the title of my blog. Well, at least not lately. Really, the main thing, should you have this thing, or any other psychiatric disorder, is that this takes time to recover from. It's not easy, even with meds. I think I'm relatively lucky in that I think I got the diagnosis rather quickly in only a year and a half after beginning treatment for depression. Everyone thought it was just a really bad depression. I was just lucky that my therapist (psychologist) could tell from our sessions that it was probably bipolar disorder and she and my psychiatrist got together because they work in the same building. Lucky. My psychiatrist then switched meds for me. Great. Still, I had to try a few different medications before I found Trileptal. But, I had hope for the first time in life. I knew I was on the right track and that helped me get through the trial and error period. I knew I might have to be on a combination of meds and I just had to be patient. Really, on the Trileptal alone, I couldn't think clearly. It was like I was walking around confused and distracted all the time. I couldn't even read because I couldn't follow a paragraph without having to reread it over and over again. It became more frustrating than relaxing. My doctor knew I just needed an additional medication and he added Geodon, an antipsychotic. When he suggested it, I went home and researched it first thing. At the mention of it being an antipsychotic, I was scared. I was afraid he was changing the diagnosis to schizophrenia. That was frightening to me. But in the end, I was so desperate to feel better that I didn't care. As long as the medication worked, what did it matter what the diagnosis was? Through further research, I saw that Geodon is given for bipolar disorder, so I was a little relieved, although I don't know why. But the Geodon helped with my concentration. I was finally able to read again, although I started slow. In low doses, I still had to concentrate really hard to follow a story, but as my doctor raised it my focus got better and now I'm back to my usual Shakespeare-reading self. Wow.

Now, I don't know how I'd handle a job just now. I haven't worked while on meds. At my last job, I was only on Paxil and I felt like crap. I was still depressed and I had trouble keeping up with the workload. Plus, after that car accident, I was suffering the effects of post-traumatic stress syndrome. The nightmares kept getting worse. I had to sleep with the lights on. Really, I wasn't sleeping well and I was going to work in a daze. Not good. Still, that was the longest I'd ever held down a job and over all I liked that job. I just don't want to do that much driving again. I can only hope that I'm better adjusted now and can handle normal work stressors. But I've taken a long time off. I haven't worked since March of 2003. Well, I take that back. I was let go from the job in March (with the option to go back if there was an opening), but I hadn't actually worked since that winter, then I was on a medical leave until March. Whatever. Still, it's been a long time and I don't know how to deal with that question in interviews. It always comes up. When I tried to explain to someone that it was personal (hint: I don't think it's appropriate to talk about it), she said, "So, you've just been hanging out?" like I was just lazy or something! How can I get across that I don't want to talk about it in a polite way that doesn't hint that I'm unreliable or something? How? If I say it was a medical leave, that still sounds like I'm unreliable. I know that technically they can't use that as a reason not to hire me, but good luck proving that's the reason they didn't hire me. I'm now registered at three different temp agencies. Should I register with several more or what? I just need a job. The graphic designer part can come later (hopefully).

Anyway, just to let you know that this could take a while, and you still have to do some work to get there. The meds can only take you so far. There are books to help as well as therapy and even group therapy. Sometimes it just helps to know you can get better. Sometimes it helps to know you're not alone. Sometimes it helps to go through and make a list of everything that makes you happy. Make a list of the things you have going for you right now. Make a list of things you did every day to prove to yourself that you can get up and do something and not just sleep. Even if it's just watching TV, eating, and hygiene, that's something. Plus, you have to think of all the hard times you've seen and how you've managed to get this far. It can't hurt to wait longer during your treatment. And I can't stress the importance of taking an active role in your treatment. You need to follow your medications and read up on them. You need to remind your doctor of what you're taking every visit and check with him or her on drug interactions every time. It might seem stupid, because they write everything down, but it can't hurt to be on top of it yourself. Doctors can make mistakes. They're only human. This means over-the-counter medications as well as herbal remedies and vitamins. Everything. Also, if you don't like your doctor, switch doctors. This is your treatment, not theirs. You have to be comfortable talking about some really personal topics with him or her. This is a big deal to get better and you have to do some things you may not like, but you should always like your doctor. And inform all of your doctors, dentists, etc. of all the meds you're on. That's really important. I knew someone who ended up on 12 different meds because her doctor kept prescribing drugs every time she had a problem and didn't keep track of what she was on. She was too depressed to care what happened to her and it ended up messing her up. Don't do that. Don't assume everyone is keeping track for you. That's your job.

Anyway, I'm not pretending I'm 100% better, but I'm so much better than I was before that it feels like a complete recovery to me. Still, I know I'll have to keep adjusting my meds throughout my life. That's normal. This is a genetic condition and there is no cure. All I can do is deal with it and hope I can get on with my life. I've wasted too much of it being miserable. To be honest, even the manic episodes weren't so great. I told my therapist that it almost felt worse to be manic than depressed because I was more impatient with people and they couldn't stand being around me. I was also more irrational and irritable. I could lose my temper over the slightest thing. I hated that feeling of not being in control.

Well, I don't see that I have any plans for today, but R may be coming down for a weekend. Should be fun. Last time I went up to FW I got the stomach flu, so hopefully neither of us will be sick when we get together this time. I'd better go heavy on the green tea. : )

Check out R's blog here. Will try to get a list of blogs up here sometime soon.