Week 3

So now I've been on this plan for 3 weeks. I've lost another 3 pounds this past week. That makes 12 pounds so far, which is great. I really needed that! I'm only 4'9". I should not be 147 lbs. Now, I'm 135. Not great, but better. It may be that my scale is off and I'm not really 135, but that's the weight I'm going by to judge my weight loss. So regardless of whether I started at 137, like the doctor's scale said, or 147, like my scale said, I've still lost 12 pounds. Yea, me! Really, I need to feel positive about something. I hope I'm going to exercise. I need to be outside a lot, but it's way too hot out there. So, I'm trying to do power yoga again. I don't enjoy it as much as hiking, but I can't hike when it's 98F and humid. At least it's below 100 for now, but that may change. We just had some rain, so it will surely go up in another day or two, if it doesn't rain again. The humidity doesn't make it feel any cooler, though!

Our latest project here at home is to archive all our old photos. The old photo albums that these were in did not have acid-free paper, etc. So these are becoming damaged. We're trying to scan them all in to the computer and then will burn those onto discs. We won't discard the old photos, but we don't want to have them lost forever. We will take them out of the old albums, though. Black-and-white is more archival than color, so those photos are in better condition, although turning yellow from the acid in the albums. The old color photos were used with an older color process which doesn't hold it's color very long. They will have to be scanned, too, before they turn yellow or red (or, rather, more than already). Of course, this is a good time to scan all the newer ones, too. Might as well preserve them before they get damaged, right? Of course, as a photographer, I want mine scanned hi-res, so that takes much longer. My printer/scanner/copier/fax isn't a professional-grade one. It's just a household one. So the highest it will scan (without freezing up the computer) is 2400 ppi. I guess that will do. They need to be a decent size to fit onto discs, so I guess they can't feasibly be any larger than that. I don't like the idea of any information being lost, so I hope that is a large enough file in case I want to do something with those photos later.

I am starting a new painting. Again, I'm still trying to get used to acrylics, so this will probably not be very good. But I'm going to paint something based on one of my old photos. After that, I may tackle my depression issues again. I want to figure out how to do this while on bipolar meds, so this will obviously be a challenge for me. I need to get used to my DSLR, too. I want to take it hiking with me this fall/winter when it's finally cool enough to be outside.

Maybe I sound like a wuss, but I got sick from heat exhaustion once and it was horrible. I never want to feel that way ever again. I now know better (and did before that day, but it didn't stop me--stupid) than to spend a lot of time outside when it's that hot. I see tourists here all the time in the summer spending all day at the theme parks and you can see they're flushed red and about to be ill all night, but they don't seem to realize it. If they're lucky they'll leave before they get heatstroke and end up in the hospital. If it's 104, it doesn't matter if it's a dry heat or not. It's dangerous. So, since I'm carrying extra fat around, I know I can't deal with high temperatures any better than I did when I was thinner. The parks I like to go to are a bit difficult to do a hike less than an hour long (more likely 2 or 3 hours). There's also a relatively new park called Government Canyon that I haven't been to. The name makes it sound really boring, but I've heard it's a really cool park. It's not open every day and there is a fee, so it's not one I'm going to go to that often. But I like Enchanted Rock (again, the name doesn't do it justice--it's 3 or so large granite hills--if I go back I'll write more about it), so I think that it might be worth the money sometimes for these parks.

Anyway, I can see that I'm rambling now, so it's time to get off the computer. Time to paint or read again.

Limited Artistic Ability

For a while, I was able to paint and draw again. I'll admit that this is when my medications were less effective. I was on a lower dose of the Lamictal, and before that I'd run out of Trileptal, eventually causing my trip to the hospital. However, I'd managed to come up with a couple of coping strategies that sort-of helped me. I'd begun making art again, which felt great since I hadn't been able to think that way in a long time. As soon as I started treatment for bipolar disorder, it helped curb my suicidal feelings, but I could no longer think like an artist. I couldn't come up with ideas for photographs, paintings, or whatever. Anything I'd begun before that, I was suddenly stumped with, like how would I finish it? I was at a loss. So, suddenly being able to see where my paint colors should go, come up with ideas as to how to relate my experiences with mental illness in images, etc., felt fantastic. I painted like a madwoman, constantly having a piece of paper or canvas at least in the process of priming, if not painting.

The other thing I'd begun to do was to go hiking with my dog. Not only was I getting loads of exercise and spending time with my baby, who desperately needed to get out of the apartment and relieve his boredom, but I was dealing with my anxiety of doing things by myself. I have a fear of being ambushed by someone while I'm in the park, falling and being unable to call for help, or getting lost and unable to find my way back to the parking lot. Climbing the rocky hillside was dangerous, of course, and I almost fell backwards a couple of times, scaring myself into thinking I could have ended up with a head injury or worse. But, I kept going and actually enjoyed the time to think. Any time I'd feel stressed and like I couldn't stand being in the apartment (I still have a strong dislike for the neighbors and their noise--and their rude attitude towards the other neighbors), I would head out to my favorite park, that being Eisenhower Park on the north side of town. I rarely ever see wildlife at this park, but it is fairly large and has a variety of trails, welcomes dogs, and provides decent maps with information on the different flora. I did however, see a roadrunner ( a fairly large one, about the size of my papillon) run across the path in front of me. Luckily, Bucky was looking in a different direction and did not try to chase him!

Anyway, of course, I ended up in the hospital, which made me feel incredibly closed-in and trapped, since I could no longer get out into the open air to deal with stress. In fact, we were assured upon admission that we had the right to go outside, however this was not a possibility. The doors were locked and we were not allowed to go out of the ward at all. In the 5 minutes I spent with their doctors, they did change my medications. I felt groggy, but could not sleep in the hospital. It ended up being a total of 5 days (since I hadn't slept much for the previous 2 days, and ended up in hospital for 3 days) that I was sleep deprived, and ended up sleeping for a total of 22 hours straight after my release. I had trouble waking and slept more than usual for the next week. I had no energy at all. By the time I finally felt a little more normal, the weather had changed and it was suddenly dangerously hot to spend an hour or so walking in the park. I really didn't have the energy to do so, but I would have at least made an attempt to get back into the habit. Also, I couldn't think like an artist anymore, either. I was incredibly disappointed, and now I have an unfinished painting, which I can tell is a little off, but cannot think of what I need to do to correct it, or at least make it look more like what I want it to look like. It's been a couple of months now, and I still have no idea what to do. I need to get back into exercising, but have hardly the motivation or energy to do so. Wish there was some way I could feel happier without curbing my artistic instincts. Anyone, got any tips or ideas? I could certainly use them. I'm not happy if I'm not creating.

Update...

Well, I haven't been up to much. I know most of the time, I'm talking about my mental health, but I've got other conditions that bother me as well. Mainly my thyroid, but I also get nauseous and get fainting spells that cause me to miss work. The nausea doesn't sound bad, but it can get quite severe. They thought I had stomach flu one time when I was sick and it keeps recurring, so it can't be stomach flu. But I miss so much work that my employers don't like it and I almost got fired from my last job. Finally, I just quit. I guess I'd rather quit than get fired, but I know I'd just continue to get sick and the job wasn't helping my mental state either. It was a very high-stress office. But anyway, I got sick again recently, for about 4 1/2 days. Usually these nausea episodes don't last QUITE that long, usually only a day or two. But this time I was so sick I could hardly get out of bed. And before anyone says anything, I've had loads of tests done to find out what could be causing this, and nothing ever turns up. Is it just anxiety? Surely then, I'd be having fewer episodes then, when my stress level is lower, like now. Nothing much going on my life right now except happy stuff. My sister visited and I had a good time with her, although she was only here for a weekend. But it was great, and we even visited my grandmother, who'd had a mild heart attack, but was doing well. It was good to see her feeling so well and she was laughing (?!) and telling jokes . We also got some information from her regarding our family tree project for my nephew. My grandmother is obviously doing very well, so I'm not worried about her. Her doctor says she's doing great and the medication is working for her. If I was going to get sick, I'd think I'd get sick when I heard about her heart attack a while back, but I didn't. Anyway, later, I'd been painting, and actually, despite the attempt to paint my dog, that I've posted here, I've been getting a good response to my paintings and I've had my little sis commission two more from me. Hopefully, that will lead to more opportunities as she's got a good social life and lots of friends. I've enjoyed the work on top of that, and I'm getting more used to how the acrylic paints behave as opposed to oils. They're very different and I'm having to adjust my style considerably (which is why the examples I've posted looks so weird. Oils are very forgiving and you can make corrections easily. Not so with acrylics; they're too transparent for big mistakes). I've figured out how to do this almost color-block teqnique that seems to work okay, althlough I think I still need some practice getting the stylization level to what will work for me. But I feel that painting lets of some stress when I do have a little. It helps me deal with things that are going on, like when family members don't seem to understand my illnesses and all that comes with them. Most of them are trying to, though, so it doesn't happen often, which is the great thing about my family.

The only thing that happened recently that was not good was that I had my thyroid tested and my TSH, which is supposed to be around 1, was at almost 8. I can't even say how bad that is. Well, I'm sort of a miracle anyway because when I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism, my TSH was 877. No, that is NOT a typo. A lot of labs don't test for levels that high because it's not usually medically possible for them to get that high. You'd die long before. But I have the test results to prove it, and was retested just to be sure. The second test confirmed the first test. Weird, I know. Have no idea how I was okay and walking around and functioning with levels that high, but I'm okay, obviously. Anyway, so now my doctor raised the dose of my Levoxyl (didn't take well to Synthroid for some reason). I need to get re-tested in 60 days and maybe raise the dose again. He doesn't want to raise it too fast because there's a risk of heart palpitations. Ugh. I don't want that for sure. I'm already in a few risk groups for heart disease (diabetes, too--yikes). The bad part about my thyroid levels being off (and this should have been a clue that something was wrong, but I always assume I did something wrong myself before I think it might be medical) is that I gained almost 20 pounds. It's not that I care if I'm fat for looks or anything, although I can't say I like the way I look fat, but the main reason is, of course, that I don't want diabetes. It scares the heck out of me. I've got a friend with it, and my b-i-l's aunt had it. I don't want it. Plus, that isn't good for your heart or anything else, for that matter. So, I've got to diet and exercise, which is hard for me. Especially the exercise, although I know it's super-important if you're bipolar to get cardiovascular exercise. The problem is that cardiovascular exercise is my least-favorite kind. I prefer weight lifting or something like that. So, I've got to renew my efforts, somehow. My bedroom is always hot. It's only about 57 out right now (of course it's after 10 for it to get that cool--usually this time of year it's in the mid to upper 70s during the day), but my bedroom gets up to 87 during the day. It's down to 84 right now since it's nighttime and the sun isn't coming in. But I can't stand being hot. Long story from when I was a teenager. My mom wasn't well and was severly anemic and she had the heater in the apartment on in July when it was over 100 F out. It used to be that the heat down here in South Texas didn't bother me much. I was used to it. But after that time in my life I can't stand it. I even get rashes and such when I get too hot. I hate it. Really, I'd just go in another room to work out, but there isn't another place big enough. I don't know what to do. Work out and overheat, I guess.

Anyway, I guess that's it for now. I've got some problems with my eyesight, and will probably have to check my eyes soon. Mostly I have problems with serif fonts, which is why I always choose to type in a sans-serif font. It's much easier to read. I read a lot, too, so that's why I noticed it. I was getting words confused and transposing letter sometimes and even not being able to make out certain letters at all. They just looked like strange symbols to me. I'm not sure why they're not clear. I don't know if it's fatigue (in which case, it wouldn't be bothering me as much as it is because it seems to do it all the time not just later in the day). I don't know if it's just too dim in here. But the computer is just as hard to read sometimes, so I don't think that's the case either. It could just be a part of normal aging. I almost 40 now. I don't know. It just seems like everything happens at once moneywise. Hopefully I can find a place that can do it that isn't too expensive and save up for the upcoming blood test. Still, I have time, so I'm not too worried. Anyway, hope everyone out there is doing well. Have a good Thanksgiving for you Americans out there. I'm going to be at little sis' with Dad. Should be good. : )

New Artwork

These are based on the automatic thoughts that come into my head when I'm depressed.


When people criticize me, this is how I feel...