Thursday, January 27, 2011

Still depressed

Was just wondering before, but now I'm sure. The slightest thing will set me off. I just feel like I'm crying all the time and I'm so sick of it. I, obviously, mean to post more often than I do. Usually, if I don't, it's because I'm not feeling well. I'm either too tired to compose anything (not that this is the best writing in the world) or else I just don't feel like doing anything at all. I'm not sure where I'm going with my treatment. Everything has been staying the same for a while and I'm not sure the doctor realizes how bad I'm really feeling. I've tried explaining this, but she says I look better. Well, yes, I'm better than before, but that doesn't mean I'm feeling well. I still feel sad a lot and very emotional. I'm irritable. I don't want to be around people and I don't feel like anyone really cares, understands, or knows how I am feeling. Yes, sometimes I feel like everyone is better off without me. That's the most common "automatic thought" I have.

I don't know whether I will get better. I don't know how I can. I don't think that what I'm doing is working, but I'm tired of being broke. I don't see how I can work when I can't handle relationships or any kind of stress. I'm not very responsible right now. I can hardly wash dishes or vacuum. I don't even always shower or brush my teeth. Is this fatigue or something else? Maybe both depression and my thyroid? It's hard to stay optimistic when any progress I've made is so slight. I just don't know what to do to get myself out of this situation. If I actually get on disability and then on Medicaid, will it really help with expenses? Will the doctors be any better? I don't see how. I don't even know whether it makes any difference at all. I don't know if anyone can help me.

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