Sunday, April 15, 2007

Hey There!

I haven't gone away. I'm sort-of sleepy. I'm not sure why I couldn't sleep, but I couldn't until about 7am. I didn't sleep very long. I heard Bucky wheezing and I knew it was time for another dose of Benadryl for him. Poor allergic puppy. Oak is really heavy right now and that's probably what's bothering him. I certainly want him to be able to breathe.

Some of the time I stayed up reading. Other times I was trying to plan my job hunt strategy for the week. Then I was just listening to the CD player. I tried telling the neighbor his was too loud around 2am, but he just turned it up. Bastard. So, I gave up (this is how tired I was) and tried to sleep anyway. But I was too tired to sleep and started hallucinating instead. I hoped it would lead to dreams, even if they were nightmares, but it didn't happen. Just stayed weird for a while and not very restful. I kept getting up and coming back to bed with a new strategy for sleep. But it didn't really happen until I decided to just give up and stay awake. I started reading again and got hooked for a while. Found a good place to stop around 7am and was still tired, so I tried to sleep yet again. Not a very restful dream, although I kept hearing Neil Finn music from my CD player and was flying for part of it. That's about all I remember. I think R and little E were there, too, but I can't be sure.

Bucky's wheezing woke me up, because that maternal instinct just kicks in and gives you a shot of adrenaline and I rushed to get the Benadryl. It took much more concentration than usual, of course, but I accomplished my mission. He actually swallowed the pill, too. Good, because I wasn't sure I had the brainpower necessary to do it again. It took breakfast and a tiny jolt of caffeine to wake me up enough to get on the computer.

The other day, I was talking with Mom and realized she had the same trouble with credit as I had. I'd always blamed it on bipolar disorder because that's a common sign, spending being out of control and causing credit problems. But maybe I actually just inherited it from non-mentally ill Mom. That would be weird. Dad is the opposite of her, so I know I didn't get it from him. Dad would be the one who hates to get rid of something, even if it doesn't work. Partly this is because he likes to fix stuff. But partly it's because he doesn't want to buy a new one if he has one already. He's just more practical that way and I'm not. Me, I love shopping. I love finding that one fantastic deal that's too good to pass up, even if it would be three times the price by the time I paid it off on the credit card. Somehow, that doesn't count or something. It's just the getting the deal part and having the stuff. I find I can only save up money if I am going to use it for travel or something. However, it causes me great anxiety to think that I'm 35 and don't have a 401K yet. This is beyond alarming to me. I don't want to be broke when I retire. I don't. I've been broke too much of my life to want to face that in old age. Hopefully I can rectify this situation fairly soon. I hope, I hope, I hope.

Yesterday, I got a couple of new books to read. Dad didn't find anything he was looking for unfortunately. He thinks he's too used to the main library downtown, which is several stories high. Lots of choices there. Maybe we'll go down there sometime. Ate Thai food. Soooo good. I haven't had any in ages and it was great to satisfy my craving. Dad tried their sweet and sour chicken and strangely said he'd never had anything sweet and sour before. I guess I just thought that was a staple and everyone had tried it, but I was obviously wrong. You learn something new every day. Just thinking about sweet and sour chicken makes me hungry again and I just ate.

However, our foray at the library meant we didn't get to go to the bread store. So that will have to be next week. I think we're okay this week because I have plenty of stuff to cook and I probably won't need bread until next week anyway.

My prescriptions were cheaper than expected, too. I'm thankful for the Carenow discount card. That helped. If only the price on the Trileptal were as low as those yesterday. That one just seems to keep going up and up and up. The drug company should feel ashamed of themselves, but I doubt they even take the time to think about the poor people they're ripping off or how inaccessible that makes the medication for people without the support network I have. It's tough. But we're doing it. I can see very easily how precarious our position is, though, and how other people would simply skip the prescription and suffer the illness just to pay for groceries or other bills instead. I don't know what I'd do without my parents helping me so much right now. I know it isn't easy for them either. We're struggling. But there isn't any state aid or federal aid available, not really. I'm sure I've covered that whole topic in an older post, though.

Is it sad that I'm looking forward to ABC Family's airing of "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban" today because it's the special extended version, even though I don't have any kids? Maybe Bucky qualifies? Well, he doesn't watch TV like Ebony used to or even like Mom's dog Snoopy does. But I can say he's listening to it, can't I? Surely he'd like it if I were vegging in front of the TV better than me being on the computer. At least I'll play with him when I don't have an expensive machine sitting in my lap (my computer, people--don't get any weird ideas).

Is it also wrong of me to be hoping the Lakers don't make it into the playoffs? I mean, I'm hoping and rooting for the other teams. In fact, as much as I'd like for the Spurs to move up and catch Phoenix, I know it won't happen, and I was even rooting for Phoenix to beat the Lakers, even if it meant Phoenix's position was better after. I don't care. I just hate the Lakers. They're egomaniacs. They get special treatment from the league. And, I'm sick of seeing Jack Nicholson's grinning face. Really, they just remind me of those jerks that bullied R and me in jr. high and high school. They were bullies and complete assholes, but they were good-looking and popular, so everyone looked the other way. Plus, their parents were rich. No 16 year old should be driving a Corvette. Spoiled brats. Do I sound bitter? Really? Didn't get to all of this in therapy before my insurance ran out. Of course I'm bitter. Maybe I'm just a bitch with an inferiority complex. Could really use some more therapy.

Well, I think I actually hear a blender. Mom doesn't use the blender. The blender's actually mine because she never bought one. I guess my curiosity is getting the better of me...

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